genuinely feel so sad, i feel like ive just out grown my friends. i feel so misunderstood, unappreciated, misrepresented, uncelebrated, and more often now unwelcome.
at first it was only one of them, layers of trauma and moments of misunderstanding cascading into what seems to be an unhealable wound that both of us keep picking at. i feel like she hates me. i feel like she genuinely wishing ill for me. i feel sad because i want what’s best for her and i try to support her how i can, but she always makes me out to be evil or mean-spirited.
then it was two, my friend started hanging out with her more. not including me. ignoring me. i know when theres a shift in attitude. i feel paranoid and anxious that they are talking about me. i feel unsafe in my friendships. i feel like they are out to get me. i know that probably paranoia, but it sucks to feel so strongly you can no longer trust someone.
then today, one of our friends just kind of caught in the middle, mentioned dinner and movie with one of them and i asked what movie and it was one of the ones we planned to see for a movie marathon. i felt so hurt and he tried to say i said i didnt care to see it when that wasn’t even what was said. just excuses, i even said on the phone when i made that comment it wasnt what i meant. i started crying because i just feel so shitty about my friends.
i regret coming back to my hometown. i cant wait to get away from here. i need to find new people in my life to rely on, im tired of crying over people who dont really care about me.
born for deep affection. forced to master the art of letting it go. grrrrrrrrr
