There was a point in my life where I was in so much love. This guy showed up and promised me things that I never dreamed of. He promised to never hurt me. To give me a good life. To always be there for me. To build a wonderful life with me because I was the woman he wanted to be with. He was my childhood friend, my 8th grade sweetheart, and was the soul mate I was destined to spend my entire life with. Or so I thought.
After he gained my trust and heart, his true colors showed. He was manipulative, jealous, and emotionally abusive. I wasn't allowed to go to church, see any of my friends, go to Bible study, or even go out. If I disobeyed in any way, he would cease all affections, warmth, and love. He would block my calls and messages and ignore my pleas for him for extended periods of time. Hours and days. We were in a long distance relationship. He was in the Army and I was in college.
Eventually, it became more than just not letting me see friends. He took away my virginity with the threat that if I did not give that to him, he would leave me for another girl. He then told me that if I did give my virginity to him, he would marry me and treat me like his princess. He would continue to "supposedly" treat me good. I was hesitant about this because I wanted to wait for marriage because of my christian beliefs, but went to visit him because his promise seemed so true. Then I changed my mind, but he took my virginity anyways against my will. This guy then went off to Afghanistan and continued to emotionally abuse and manipulate me. He had me already so invested. I was afraid to leave even though I was unhappy. He had taken my friends away.. my purity.. and my sense of freedom. I spent many days stuck on Skype with him, watching him sleep. I was not allowed to do anything else, but sit there on my computer watching him. If I did anything remotely as walk away to eat or go to another room and he woke up, he would immediately end the Skype call and block all communications from me for days. This caused me so much misery. Moving forward, he bought a ring and proposed to me once he returned from his deployment. My mom did not like this as we were both only 20 years old and I was still in college. She refused to give my hand. This guy became furious and insulted my mom saying that this was America. And that she had no say in whether we got married or not. He then went to manipulate me and talked about how my mom was controlling and that she was standing in the way between us. The pastor of my church (Tom) also learned of some of the things that were going on and tried to stop me from marrying him. I tearfully told him how I felt like I needed to because I had already given my virginity to him. At the same time, whenever this guy and I were together in person, he treated me so well. I believed at that time that he would change. I ended up marrying him. A month into our marriage, I caught him looking for "cute army girls" to sleep with on Craigslist. I was so devastated. I wanted to leave him, I wanted to go back home. My husband didn't let me. He was the sole income holder at the time. He refused to send me home. He said home was with him and that he did not mean to look for other girls. He begged for me to stay with him. I ended up threatening suicide and he called the military police. I ended up going to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation and depression screening and was sent home. We then got marriage counseling where the "christian" counselor tried to convince me that a husband looking at other girls was normal because he did it too. My husband continued to be caught watching either porn or searching for local prostitutes. But I continued to stay because he would repeatedly state that he would change, he would beg, he would cry, he would say he loved me still.
Things only started to spiral from there. He went from crying and begging to sexually assaulting me everytime we fought. He would pin me to the ground so I couldn't leave and assault me. He would then tell me that he owned me and that because we were married, he could do whatever he wanted.
I tried to leave this marriage and contacted his parents to convince their son to go home with them up in Northern California. However, his dad gaslighted me through facebook and text messages. He painted me as the abuser and threatened to have his cop friends arrest me (his dad is an ex cop). He called me a "bitch" and a "cunt". He accused me of forcing his son to marry him when it was actually the opposite. He then threatened to come down and find me. To hurt me. His mother even called me toxic and gaslighted me as well. I stayed with my abusive husband. I couldn't leave.
One day I stood up to his abuses and slapped him. He called the cops, his dad called the cops, and they both made sure that I went to jail for my crime. They claimed I was physical abusive. When the cops asked me if my husband was abusive in any way, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell them how he has been repeatedly sexually assaulting me and verbally abusing me. I admitted that I did slap my husband. I went to county jail for 24 hours where I was treated by the guards as a criminal and was fearful for my life. My mom gracefully bailed me out and convinced me to divorce him. I sought help from my church pastor (James). This pastor not knowing the full story told me that it was my wrong for slapping him and that no guy would ever want to marry me. He told me to stay and get marriage counseling.
My husband promised yet again to change for the better. I later found out that day that my husband had been happily playing video games while i was in jail. He only put on a "sad" face when I tried to leave him.
It has been 8 years of marriage to this very husband. The lying has not ceased and time and time again I have caught him trying to hide things. He has strangled me for simply talking to a guy friend (had to go to urgent care 3 years ago) and he has pushed me (had to go to urgent care last year).
Just today I caught him in a lie again and asked him to simply leave the room. My husband refused and even went as far as blocking me from exiting, following me around the room, and refusing to let me leave anywhere. He, his father, and even his mother have gaslighted me and has painted me as the abuser when in reality, my husband is the real abuser. I had to call the police today to feel safe to even leave my own home (I paid the downpayment and pay all the mortgage costs for the home).
I regret marrying my husband and wish that I could tell my younger self to walk away.
At this point, I have no idea what I will do. I am currently in graduate school full time and work full time. I am only a year away from graduating. I cannot afford the financial costs of divorce. I also fear for my life from my toxic husband and his toxic family.
If you ever recognize any of these signs from your significant other. Don't make the same mistake as me. Leave while you can. People don't change.