Haven’t Forgotten My Way Home (12) - [CONVERTED]
Pairing: Kara Zor-El x Female!Reader
Summary: In the D/s society of National City, men and women abandoned by their Dom/mes or otherwise deemed unfit for life “outside” end up at the Mount Overland House for Orphaned Submissives. It is here that Kara Zor-El finds Y/N Hastings, broken and fearful from mistreatment at the hands of her former Dom. Can Kara coax Y/N back into the world that once so terrified her, and show her the true meaning of care and submission?
Warnings: Domestic Violence (Flashbacks, Mentions and Descriptions), Misogyny, Domination/Submission.
The first thing a body will require, when it has been worn to its breaking point and is on its way back, is sleep. It was one of the things that Y/N was only just starting to realize: how tired she really was. So many years of her day starting at exactly 4 a.m. had taken its toll, and so when she glanced at the clock and saw that it was only 8 a.m, she thought “Meh,” and promptly rolled over and went back to sleep.
She’d washed the sheets and they were really soft now, and the pillows under her head were nice, if not as perfect as the ones at Miss Kara’s. So no, there really wasn’t any reason for her to get up. Not just yet. Two hours later she was awakened with a start by the ringtone that told her she had a new text message. She tried to blink the sleep out of her eyes, and read Kara’s 6 words through a bleary haze.
Good luck with physical therapy today. :)
Y/N furrowed her brow and sat up, her drowsiness erased by a small feeling of panic that began to rise up within her. Quickly her fingers dashed off the response and hit send.
She waited as long as she could for a response, sitting up in bed and staring at the phone for an hour, before she finally told herself that if she didn’t get moving, she’d be late. But it was another twenty minutes before she could actually force herself out of bed and move to her closet to pick out the day’s outfit.
It was strange, having options to choose from, rather than just a pair of underwear thrown haphazardly over a chair… or over her, depending on what position morning would find her in. Then there were the days when clothes weren’t allowed at all… which was hardest in the winter months. But now she could decide, would it be the blue dress with the cardigan, or the pink sweater and a pair of comfy blue jeans? Since she was going to therapy… she reached in and plucked out the jeans and the sweater.
Y/N was surprised to notice that she was smiling. It seemed stupid to smile over something like choosing your own clothes.
There seemed to be so many things for her to decide now… breakfast was the simplest. Cereal, she thought, rummaging through Nia’s cabinets to find what she wanted. Nia had already left for the House, Y/N assumed, and it was nice, just to sit on the couch with her legs sprawled out, relaxed against the pillows as she waited for the Lucky Charms sugar rush to take hold. She giggled, for a split second feeling like a fifteen year old again, before… before everything changed.
The walk to the House was short, but not short enough that Y/N felt comfortable actually walking it. Luckily there was a concrete pathway from Nia’s front door to the back door of the House, and Y/N’s chair was already sitting outside, with no steps for her to navigate to it. She sat in the chair but didn’t move at first; instead, Y/N simply just sat.
It was a pleasant morning, not too cold and not yet too hot; the birds were still singing and flying here and there, their wings bright flashes against the mid-morning sky. Y/N found herself wondering about them, if they were bringing food to their children or perhaps to their “husband” or “wife”; she watched them eagerly, taking in their every movement and listening to their casual back and forth song. She wondered what it would be like, to be one of those birds: free to go wherever, whenever, but every time returning to the same place. And not because they had to, but because they wanted to. The birds were bound by choice, not by birth or decree, and for a moment, Y/N envied them.
She thought about Miss Kara, then, resting the cell phone on her lap as she slowly wheeled herself towards the House, taking her time so she wouldn’t miss a minute of everything around her outside: the grass on either side of her; the trees that shaded her with their branches, the apples they dropped as food for the insects, the squirrels, the rabbits. What would it be like, she asked herself, to be free forever? To never have to answer to another person? No rules, no chance to break them. No punishment, no pain.
It caused Y/N to stop where she sat, halfway between “home” and the House.
Maybe she could handle the pain, if it came from Miss Kara.
She began to wheel herself towards the House again, even as her hands trembled so hard she could barely hold on. It wouldn’t be so bad, she thought. Kara had been sweet to her so far, but she hadn’t claimed Y/N. But if she did, and if- if she got angry when Y/N displeased her, Y/N could… she could handle it. What would she do, what rule would she break? Maybe there was a certain way Miss Kara liked her clothes folded. She’d wake up in the morning and there would be a crease in her shirt that wasn’t there before. She’d look at Y/N, disappointment in beautifully deep brown eyes. And Y/N would know she’d failed her.
Y/N had gotten fairly good at taking herself beyond the pain; she could do that again with Miss Kara, no matter what the other woman would choose to do to her. Or with what. Whips, belts, they were all the same. Y/N could put herself in that space where everything went fuzzy, where the sounds were muted and the blows seemed to be nothing. Her mother had told her, once, about that space; she’d described it as a kind of Heaven, a feeling of being completely in the moment and yet not, as if the only two people who existed in the world were Dominant and submissive. Where thoughts became tangled as if by rope, and where no words could break through except the ones spoken from trust, from love, from hope.
Y/N had decided about her second year with James that her mother was prone to flights of fancy, or was just outright insane. No, her space… her space was curled inside herself, blocking out words and trying to tighten her skin to provide the least amount of canvas possible. Then she’d be ripped out of that space brutally, in seconds after he’d grown tired of her, with just a few words.
“Get your ass up and fix dinner, I’m hungry.”
She tried to imagine Kara saying those words. Tried to picture the petite brunette with the gentle face twisting into bitterness and hate, as Y/N got up from the floor and hobbled to the kitchen. With a blink Y/N realized that she wasn’t in a kitchen, or on a floor; instead she was in front of the door to the House.
She could do it, she thought as she pressed the code Nia had given to her onto the keypad, and the door released with a click.
For Miss Kara, she could do it.
Her phone vibrated in her lap while she made her way down the hall to the PT room, and Y/N paused to pick it up, smiling at the message. She sent her answer, and then hesitated in front of the door, feeling hopeful. Leaning over and pushing it open, she blinked, then felt the wave of disappointment rush over her like the water from the time Miss Kara had given her a bath.
“Here she is!” Nia said with a grin. She nudged Brainy, who smiled politely at Y/N. “Told you she’d make it.”
“That you did,” Brainy said. He’d gotten everything ready for Y/N, she could see everything laid out as he stood there in his black tee-shirt and jeans, still smiling at her with nothing but calm and pleasantry on his face. “You ready?”
“Red,” Y/N suddenly mumbled, feeling herself begin to panic.
Nia tilted her head at her, her eyes looking concerned. “Y/N?”
“Red,” Y/N said a little louder. “I-I can’t do this, I’m sorry, Nia, I’m sorry, B-Brainy, I have to go, I have to…”
In seconds she was back out the door, wheeling down the hall towards freedom as fast as she could go. She couldn’t do this, not without… she just couldn’t.
It didn’t take long, because of her ability to walk and her long strides, for Nia to overtake her and plant herself in Y/N’s path. “Hey, what’s going on, kid?”
Y/N shook her head. “I just don’t want to,” she tried. “I don’t… feel well?”
“Yeah?” Nia said, sounding sympathetic. She squatted down, though she wasn’t kneeling, so that she could look into Y/N’s eyes. “I bet I can guess why all of a sudden you don’t feel well.”
Y/N didn’t say anything; she pursed her lips and looked at the white walls, at the dirty green and white tiles, anywhere but at Nia Nal who was staring at her like she knew her innermost secrets.
“I gathered that,” Y/N bit out, and she sat up, a chill running through her as she realized just how snappy she’d sounded.
What would Miss Kara do if Y/N ever talked to her like that? Probably slap her face, Y/N surmised. Tears rushed to her eyes as she thought of it, but she tightened her hold on the arms of the wheelchair.
She could handle it. For Miss Kara.
The sympathetic look hadn’t left Nia’s eyes as she surveyed Y/N in front of her. She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke, her voice had taken a mournful, almost regretful tone.
“Do you know what was the hardest thing for me to learn?”
“How to go to the grocery store. Before, when I went, I had a list. Everything she liked, down to the brand and the price and what aisle I would find it. There was nothing on there that I wanted or liked, because she thought I needed nothing but what she gave me.”
“I don’t see what that has to do wi—“
“And so,” Nia interrupted, “The first time I went to the grocery store, I stood there in the doorway, looking at all the aisles, all the food… and I had no idea what I needed. What I wanted. But there was one thing I wanted.”
“To call her. To call her, to have her tell me what to get, what to do, how to do it. But I couldn’t. I stood there terrified, scared out of my mind that she’d said was feeble without her, and I wanted to believe that I couldn’t do anything without her. But I had to.”
“That’s not the same,” Y/N protested. “This is different.”
Nia shook her head. “It’s not, though. You know she called me, asked me to be here with you.”
“But I don’t want you, I want her.”
“I know that,” Nia laughed in response to Y/N’s horrified expression; there was no trace of hurt or malice in her voice at all. “But you’re standing in the grocery store, Y/N. You’ve got all these choices to make, and ain’t nobody but yourself can choose.”
Nia stood up, ignoring Y/N’s confused look. “I know you don’t like being alone with Brainy and so does Miss Zor-el. That’s why I’m here. But she’s not, and you’re going to be just fine in there without her. You’ll see.”
“I know you can. And so does Kara. That’s why she’s not here. Because she knows you can do it without her.”
“But I don’t want to,” Y/N said again, her teeth clenched. Who were Miss Kara and Nia to decide what she could do, and who she should do it with? But then again, to know Miss Kara thought she could do it on her own, that she believed in her so much…
Y/N was nothing short of completely confused.
“Well, yeah, and that’s another choice. Just like you have a choice now. Go in and do your therapy like she believes you can, or we call Miss Kara and tell her you won’t do it unless she’s here.”
Y/N scrunched up her face in disapproval, and let out the answer in an exasperated sigh. “Fine. Let’s go.”
“Welcome back,” Brainy said as Nia wheeled Y/N into the room once again, and she gave him a tight-lipped smile. “Let’s get started, shall we?”
He moved her through her exercises while Y/N concentrated on her breathing, imagining that Miss Kara was next to her head, encouraging her with soft words and a gentle touch on her shoulder. But there were two Miss Karas in her head now, the Kara that was Miss Kara, kind and gentle and… loving. And then there was the other Kara.
Her fingers clenched the edge of the cot as Y/N imagined Mistress, pressing her against the wall and lashing her with anger and resentment on her face. Disappointment. She could hear the voice of Mistress, no longer lyrical and sweet, but harsh and growling as she spoke words that had Y/N’s head hanging even as she lay on the cot.
Bad. Wrong. Stupid. Disgusting. Failure.
She squeezed her eyes shut and recalled that morning in bed, with Miss Kara’s hand held softly, tightly in hers. Warmth. Comfort. Y/N took a shuddering breath and opened her eyes when she realized Brainy had stopped.
She hesitated, looking at Nia, who grinned at her. Y/N nodded.
The end of the bars was empty, without Miss Kara standing there waiting for her. There was only Nia, sitting on a stool off to one side, and Brody, on her other side, ready to catch her if she fell. But for a second Y/N felt as if she’d already fallen, because the wall on the other side of her was bare and white, and there was no angel in an argyle sweater waiting with her arms open.
But still the first step came.
It was almost as if an unseen force had moved her foot, and Y/N glanced down at it in surprise. Had she done that? She wondered. Brainy and Nia were grinning at her, Nia’s fist pumping in triumph, and Y/N found herself grinning in return. Their reactions spurred her on; she took another step and it was as if electricity had filled her legs and she couldn’t do anything but move. It was an eternity and mere seconds; there was Kara and emptiness, her hands on the bars and her feet at the edge of the mat…
She barely registered Nia’s yell of triumph, or Brainy clapping his hands for her; all she could think of, all she could do, was go for her phone and send a text.
Five seconds later, the response came.
Y/N was still riding the high of actually making it through therapy on her own (well, with Nia’s help, a little bit) when she wheeled herself out the back door to the House and was met with a smirking girl leaning up against the brick.
“Hey, little H, heard you did damn good in there.”
Y/N tilted her head. “How’d you… it was only five minutes ago.”
Maggie reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, waggling it at her. “’Y/N went to therapy without Kara! Make sure you say something nice to her about it.’ Kara texts Ma'am, Ma'am texts me… word gets around fast.” She grinned and fell into step alongside her, walking with her towards Nia’s house.
Miss Kara had… bragged on her? That’s what Maggie made it sound like; that she’d texted Alex to tell her how proud she was of her… There was that warm feeling in her chest again, and Y/N blushed and ducked her head, then glanced over at Maggie. “How are you um… feeling?” she asked hesitantly. “You know, since then.” She’d been a little hesitant when Maggie texted her, asking if she could come over, but there was something about her… she’d wanted to check on her, and it might be nice, to have a friend. Still, it felt awkward.
She winced a little, shoving her hands back into the pockets of her jeans and shrugging. “Kind of sore, but it’s just annoying now, not really painful. Ma'am says I don’t need pillows anymore but he lets me sit on ‘em anyway.”
Y/N nodded and fell into silence then as she and Maggie made their way back to Nia’s. When they were almost there, though, she hesitated, causing Maggie to look at her with concern.
“Can we stay out here for a little while?” She wasn’t sure she wanted to be alone in a room with Maggie, despite how nice she was being to her. Besides, the sun was warm; as Maggie helped lower her to the grass next to the concrete path, Y/N tilted her face into it and sighed with her eyes closed. “It’s so nice out here,” she whispered. “So peaceful and free. I don’t know if I could ever go back.”
“You talking about going back inside or going… back-back?”
Was she that obvious? Y/N shrugged. “Both?”
Maggie sat next to her with her feet flat on the ground, forearms resting on her knees. “Yeah, I can see that.” Then she was quiet, as she and Y/N listened to the birdcalls, the wind rustling through the apple trees. Finally, she said, “But you know, it’s not really going back. Kind of like, going to something different. Something better.”
Y/N smiled wryly. She’d thought that, at first, and even though she was pretty sure that what she’d said the day she’d left hadn’t changed, that she still wanted to be with Miss Kara, she wasn’t sure just how different it would be.
“I guess so; I mean Alex’s nice even when she beats you.”
“Hey,” Maggie said, a flash of anger crossing over her face before she quickly schooled it behind impassivity. “That’s not all Ma'am does.”
“I-I didn’t mean that,” Y/N said hastily, feeling ashamed of herself. “I-I know she punishes you in different ways, not just by hitting you. I mean, I-I guess she gives you corner time or lines or-or something that’s not hitting, I mean even though she’s harsh she’s—“
“Whoa, whoa,” Maggie held up her hands to stop Y/N’s rambling. “Little H, I don’t know what’s going on but Ma'am doesn’t just punish me, you know.”
Maggie raised an eyebrow at her. “Uh, no… I mean we have some fucking good sex, that’s for sure.” She laughed as Y/N gasped a little and blushed. She nudged her with her shoulder and winked before she asked a question that made Y/N’s blood run cold.
“Did he ever tell you you’re good?”
She didn’t answer, and Maggie nodded. She ran a hand over her head and down her ponytail, her face looking like she was thinking hard – and that it hurt her to do. “Ma'am tells me I’m good all the time. Even after she punished me the other night.”
“Wait, she told you that you’re good after a punishment?”
“Well, yeah? ‘cause she thinks I am. I mean I fuck up, like, real bad sometimes and I know it upsets him. But she’s never, ever told me I’m bad. She actually kinda gets pissed when I say I am.”
“Do you… do you think I’m bad?” Y/N asked softly. She could hear Sir’s words echoing in her head, and she tried to push them away.
“Does it matter what I think?” Maggie asked. She laid back on the grass with her hands behind his head and stared up at the sky. “I mean I don’t give a rat’s ass what other people think of me, all I care about is what Ma'am sees.” She glanced up at Y/N. “Kind of funny that no matter what I’ve done to screw up before, or what I’ll screw up today or tomorrow or the next day, she’ll still look at me like I’m the best thing since K9s. Well, next best thing.”
She felt jealous of her, then, watching the dreamy smile that was on her face, the pride in her eyes as she spoke about Alex. She tried to remember if she’d ever talked about James that way, and then she smiled a little when she remembered her words to Maggie the night she’d panicked.
“She’s the best.” Words about Miss Kara.
And Miss Kara had sent a text to Alex. Proud of her. And it didn’t matter that Brainy probably thought she was a little melodramatic and crazy, or that Nia probably got annoyed at having to coax her into the PT room. All that mattered was that Miss Kara was proud of her. Which is why she couldn’t bear it if Miss Kara was ever angry at her.
“But what… what does she do when she’s not punishing you?”
Now the look on Maggie’s face told Y/N that she couldn’t believe she’d just asked that, and she felt her cheeks go hot with embarrassment. She looked down at her hands, twisted in her lap.
“Well there’s the really good sex,” Maggie said, snorting when Y/N squeaked yet again. “But there’s other stuff too, I mean we cook together and go to the movies. We went to the theater with Kara a couple of times, she loves that stuff.”
Theater. She loves that stuff. The numbers in her phone. Y/N’s eyes widened. Would Miss Kara maybe… like to go to the theater with her? There’d be a lot of people and she wouldn’t really know what to do; but she could do it, for Miss Kara…
“And a lot of times if I have a good day or week or I’ve done something like really cool, Ma'am lets me choose what we do. Or she surprises me with something she knows I’ll like.”
“Yeah, Ma'am says rewards are just as important as correction.”
“Rewards,” Y/N echoed, lips turned downward as she contemplated.
“Didn’t get a lot of those, huh?”
She shrugged. “She said that discipline was the only thing I needed.”
Maggie shook her head and sat up. “Dick. Good thing Kara’s different.” When Y/N didn’t answer, Maggie reached out and gently touched Y/N’s knee, drawing back when she flinched slightly. “Yeah, sorry about that. But you know… you know Kara’s different, right?”
She stood up and brushed off her jeans, extending her hand to Y/N and helping her back into the chair. “I gotta get back home, tonight’s spaghetti night and if I don’t make Ma'am’s garlic bread she gets pouty. Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the brat. Don’t tell her I said that.”
Y/N laughed and let Maggie push her wheelchair to the door of Nia’s house. She stopped then, turning to her.
“You know, I think the fact that you’re here, that Kara hasn’t taken you… I think that should tell you how different she is. She cares about you. I know it’s hard for you to trust her, but… look at me, dude. I was a dealer. I should’ve had no chance. But look who I got now.”
Y/N smiled a little. “So think you can find me somebody to love?”
“Nah,” Maggie said with a wink. “I think you’re doing that pretty well on your own. See ya, little H.”
She replayed her conversation with Maggie in her head over and over for nearly an hour; she fixed herself something for dinner and sat on the couch idly flipping through the channels before she finally turned the television off and tossed the remote onto the cushions.
Trust her, she’d said. I think you’re doing that pretty well on your own.
She looked at the phone, resting next to the remote. Things could be different. Things were different. She’d walked on her own, without Miss Kara.
But she still wanted her.
Would you like to see me tomorrow?
The sound of ringing made her jump minutes later, and Y/N hurried to press the answer button.
The voice was sweet, pleased, and happy.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Miss Kara said.
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