For My Little Lion Cub

Kaylah. A blog for documenting the raising of my daughter Zara. 20, Australian, hopelessly in love with life.

[littleli0ncub]

Dear monkey bum, You're now five and a bit months old and time is flying by. Mummy doesn't post anywhere near as often as she wants to, but that's because she's so busy enjoying watching you grow and thrive in front of her. You can now roll over from your back to your front (much to your surprise and displeasure, you HATE being on your belly) and from your front to your back, which you do every time I try to do tummy time with you. You can feed yourself your bottles and you adore feeding yourself your solids (unless it's pumpkin. You hate pumpkin.) you can even sit up for short bursts, but that's a skill that we definitely haven't perfected yet. Your favourite toy is Mr Quackers, and you love blueberry and bananas mashed together. You sleep in your cot in our room for 12 straight hours every night and you are the happiest baby I have ever met. It is an absolute joy and pleasure to watch you grow my darling girl. I am privileged to be your mummy. I love you forever and always sweetheart, Mummy x

[charlieandjordan]

Parenting is so weird. Like, I spend all day with my babe, loving on him and making him laugh. I love it, it’s amazing. But, I’m also counting down the hours until I get some form of break. My body aches, and there has been washing sitting in the machine for three hours, and all naps have been on me, and all meals have been carefully balanced on their spoon so as not to spill on a baby. Then, the baby decides not to sleep for the night unless his face is directly in front of mine, and his breath is tickling my face. So I’m curled into a motionless ball around him on the edge of my bed, and there’s nowhere to put my arms, and my shoulders are freezing, and I miss being able to sleep more deeply than a shallow crazed dream filled hour.

But, then he sleeps in his own bed and I stretch out in my own, only feet away from him in the dark, enjoying the peace for all of three minutes before I start to wonder.

‘What’s the baby is doing?’

‘God I love the baby.’

‘Why is the baby so far away?’

And then I’m up and looking at him. Or scrolling through videos on my phone. Or talking to my partner about stuff baby has done today. Or telling him I love the baby 800 times. And I miss the baby. Why is the baby not next to me? My umbilical cord does not stretch that far, and I don’t like being without him. Can we wake the baby? Maybe if I just carefully moved him in here with me…? He’s probably cold!

Even when I’m dying for a moment to myself, the way I love him is so fierce. It’s so crazy. It’s like he and I are one person, we are a team, a solid entity. He is my life, and I am his, and loving him is what I was born to do. And it doesn’t change, or go away. I still feel this way about my daughter, almost 9 years later. I still find it so strange that she’s off doing things that don’t involve me. That she has a whole life outside of me now that I don’t even know about. I find it harder to sleep when she is not here because my body just somehow feels wrong without the knowledge that she’s just down the hall in her room.

How strange being a parent is. Allowing parts of yourself to break off and grow separate to you like it’s no big deal. How weird to think that these people that I grew inside my belly will one day up and leave me. That they have all of their own thoughts and wants and needs that are different from mine. It’s so bittersweet. Knowing that this baby in my arms, whose every breath I know as well as I know my own, will one day be an adult experiencing this life for himself.

Time moves too fast once you become a parent. The baby can sleep with me tonight.

[lovingtwolittles]

This

[lifethynameisval-deactivated202]

Saw this on FB lol

[mama-honest]

Exactly this!!! Except I often imagine they’re screaming in Stewies’s Voice, “Damn you woman, hurry up!”

[littleli0ncub]

Dear Zara, When you're breastfeeding, you tuck your hand right up under my armpit and gently stroke the skin. It tickles like hell and I love it. When you're bottle feeding, you get a tiny frown and hold my hand to bring the bottle closer and I love that too. I love getting you out of your bassinet every morning and seeing your big, bright, beautiful smiles. They make every morning worth jumping out of bed for. I love the way you burrow into my neck, as though the closest you can get still isn't close enough. I love the way you smell and the way you babble constantly. No matter where I am in the house I can hear you chatting away and that sound is music to my ears. I know that one day it will be hard to remember all these little things and that devastates me. I never want to forget the warmth of your little fingers around mine or the weight of you cuddled into my chest. Next week you'll be twelve weeks old and I am floored. You're growing so fast and so strong and I know that if I blink you're going to be walking and talking and off to school. You are only mine for the shortest time and I cherish every single second I get to spend with you. I adore you, baby girl. Love, Mumma x

[jothezette]

[littleli0ncub]

Dear Zara, This is probably going to be my oddest, most disjointed letter to you. It's currently 7am, and you and daddy are both snoring in my arms. You are now 6 weeks old, and yesterday you got your first round of vaccinations. They were really, really rough on you. You screamed in pain from 8pm until 11pm, when we finally caved and took you to the hospital for some panadol. Now you're drugged and sleepy but feeling much better, back to blowing raspberries and giving us big gummy smiles. You're still fussy when I try to put you down, so i've been cuddling you all night. I'm not even bothered, although daddy's going to have to let me nap later. This week has been a huge week for you. You rolled from your tummy to your back for the first time, you've started to smile at certain stimuli (daddy), and you've cracked 4kgs and are allowed to go back to ebf! You're solidly into 0000 clothes, and your doctor now calls you the perfect textbook baby. We've come such a long way. I'm proud of us, kid. I'm proud of you. You've also started sleeping through the night better, and you hate mornings. Just like your mummy haha. I am so very beyond blessed to have such a perfect baby. I think the fact that you rarely fuss is the reason it's been so hard tonight. You've never cried like that before, never been inconsolable. It killed me, I am actually devastated. Here's hoping today is a better day. I love you, monkey bum. Xo mummy (Picture is you post panadol)

[littleli0ncub]

Light of my life. I am so hopelessly in love with you, squish 💓

[littleli0ncub]

Dear Zara, Happy 4 weeks old baby girl! I can't believe a month has gone by already. It's flown, it feels like just last week we were bringing you home from the hospital. It may be the sleep deprivation messing up my sense of time though :p 4 weeks ago my world turned upside down. I would never have been able to forsee the effect you would have on everything and everyone. You charm everyone you meet, we're all putty in your long fingers. Moreso, I would never have been able to forsee the effect you would have on me. I never imagined how much I would adore you. How I could be so content at 4 in the morning simply cuddling you and watching you sleep. How every raspberry, every gummy smile and finger hold would warm every crevice of my soul. I live for the times you're awake and the three of us have tummy time. You are so clever, little one. So advanced already. From two days old you've been able to roll yourself onto your side. You can grab your toys on your playmat and bouncer when you set your mind to it, and god help mummy if she lays next to you sans bra. You know well how to get to the boob when you want it. I am so blessed to have spent these last 4 weeks with you, and so excited to watch the rest of your life unfold. I love you, baby. Xo Mummy

[foxesandfables]

You won’t remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, “We can do this.” You won’t remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled “Hi, baby” in your ear. You won’t remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again. You won’t remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful boy in the room to me. You won’t remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was. You won’t remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you’d look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn’t. You won’t remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses. You won’t remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs? You won’t remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow. You won’t remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go. You won’t remember, but I will… and I’ll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

Jessica Dimas The Huffington Post (via make-it-rainicorn)

[littleli0ncub]

Sneak peeks from Zara's shoot yesterday 😍💕

[littleli0ncub]

Took this behind the scenes at her photoshoot today. I'm so in love with her 💕💕

[littleli0ncub]

Mebbe she'd gain more weight if she didn't stop to laugh at me every 5 minutes

[littleli0ncub]

Zara lost another 10g and now has to be formula comped. I’m actually devastated about it, it feels like the beginning of the end of our breastfeeding relationship. We’ve had so many challenges already, and the fact that she latched and fed well even though she’d been bottle fed while I was in the icu, and should have struggled to take to the breast was a source of comfort to me, like there was something in this that I could control and do well. My supply is over abundant and she’s getting about 90ml each feed, but we just can’t get the weight on her. I’m shattered.

In more positive news, her jaundice levels were down to 97, two days ago they were 187 and two days before that they were 290, so they’re really happy about that. She has her newborn photoshoot tomorrow as well. I wish she could have chubbed up a little for it, but oh well. Maybe she takes after her grandma’s, neither of them weigh more than 45kg.

[earth-and-skin]

If pregnancy is teaching me anything its that women are WARRIORS. Society as a whole does nooot recognize the power of mama. Sure, we are told from a young age that child birth is the worse pain that women will go through. But why don’t we ever hear about the struggles of pregnancy? You hear about the “glow” and “crazy pregnant ladies” due to hormones. But, you know what you never hear about? How difficult it is to feel comfortable in your new, stretching skin. How its a whole new struggle to find SELF love. You hear of morning sickness but don’t understand that its actually all-day-every-day-for-three-months-straight sickness. Or that after a long day of being upset or pissed off for god-knows-why, once something finally makes you have a good belly laugh, that same thing makes you pee yourself because your bladder is now a punching bag or a lounge chair for a tiny human. You dont hear of the pain that comes with coughing or sneezing or sometimes even moving a certain way because your muscles are abruptly stretching to create a roomie space. Or how your ribs become their first favorite toy. You hear of feet swelling and cravings but you don’t even know about back pain until you’ve suddenly gained 30 pounds and your posture is totally fucked. Or what its like to smell your once favorite food that now makes you gag and sprint (quickly waddle) to the bathroom. And yet, women still love being pregnant. Through all of that..seeing your baby on that monitor for the first time,no matter how sea monkey like they look.. you’ve never seen anything so precious and beautiful. Because through all of the struggles a few tiny kicks can take your mind off of the pain. Because no matter how uncomfortable or frustrating or emotional this journey is, it is most definitely, completely worth it to experience a love like no other, for your babe. Because women are warriors for sure.

[mom-buttt]

Thank you for saying it. People get so mad at me when I actually complain about how terrible things are for me right now.

[mamaequeerstrian-blog]

In total tears. it’s all so true.

[littleli0ncub]

Actually crying about how beyond precious she is. How do I handle this much love for my tiny human?!

[littleli0ncub]

Incredibly, impossibly perfect. When I get some time I might post up my birth story, but until then I am luxuriating in the perfection that is my daughter. Goodbye pregblr tag, you've been very good for me.

[littleli0ncub]

My baby is here!! Miss Zara Rose, 6lb 8 oz, born 12:36pm on the 26th of april 💕💕