My scar bleeds like its the first time being injured. It feels like yesterday again.ย Those memories I've always kept in theย corner of my heart started to rush in.
My other persona comes in -ย the worried, depressed, insecured, scared, suicidal. No one knew. Whenever those thoughts and feelings were reminisced, I cried as if I'm still trapped in that moment. I cried in my own darkness. The aloneness. The pain. The shame. The self blame. The fear. It hurts so much. It hurts that I have thoughts to quit this life. It rotten me in years.
Mastering a poker face and a strong personality hits hard. While I knew all along how broken I am inside. Shattered like a house of glass trying to build again with shivering hands even if I bleed all over again.ย
I overthinked. Always calculating my next move. I have built strong high walls around me. My ultimate defense to outside forces. That no one could break in. That no one or any circumstances could make me feel vulnerable again.
I don't want others to feel and experienced what I'm having. And it's a natural for me to be your ideal friend - who would always listen, understand, accept, motivate, be happy for you. In short, a trying hard wannabe whom I wish to have.
Being strong is exhausting. It is energy-consuming. It drained all the remaining me. Sometimes I also wanted to say 'Hey, I'm not okay too'. Screaming inside. But never came out of my mouth. That's how coward I am. That's how I keep my truth.
I hide by doing what others do enjoy. Doing what makes them happy will also make me happy - that kind of thinking. A big lie I am believing and doing. What you see is a strong person, but the truth is, a woman who badly needed a stronger person in her life, to share her inhibitions and insecurities, to reassure her she is enough, to encourage her to love herself more, to make her happy.
All my life I am difficult to trust anyone. I have my family and few close friends that I am thankful of. But all the heartaches and pains were never shared to anyone. Few knew but filtered. Nothing more. I trust no one except myself.
This is how depression and anxiety made me.
I feel sorry for myself to bloom so late. Too late to realize I'm so selfish in my own oblivion, the missed chances and the regrets thereafter. To be myself and love myself first above anything else. To move on with life and see the bigger things and all the goodness this world could offer.
I feel scared that I couldn't think of taking another person to sink in my own blackhole. I'd rather be drown in my own misery than drag another.
Will I ever love someone?
Will I accept the love I deserved?
My truth slaps me harder this time.
Twas a long read. Thanks for making it til here.
We are entitled to feel every emotion. There are a lot of tests in life and it might be hard but be stronger enough to overcome each of them. Know that we have a bigger God.
TMI, BTS music helped me big time. Together with my family and friends, Kpop and Kdrama helped me through. All the while, I am thankful to God for knowing them and making my life worth enjoying.
littlemissnoperfect/yahnnii
