me, myself and I @littleofherthoughtsandmind - Tumblr Blog

A reminder to myself: life is beautiful.

I’m returning to the little things that make me happy. Returning to God and placing my trust in Him. Reminding myself that everything is temporary. Pain and headaches are temporary. I will give myself grace, because it’s my first time living. I don’t have to figure everything out or have all the answers right away. I’m still learning and growing.

Little moments like this morning: coffee on the balcony, listening to the birds. It wasn’t warm, but I felt good...the breeze on my face. Reading my old notes, especially the one listing everything that makes me happy. I was wise at 23 to leave that for myself. I truly felt its power.

Working at my desk with the sun shining through the window. Breathing...really feeling each breath.

I am doing my best. Truly. And I can only keep striving to be better.

I have a Pilates class later. I’ll pick up my son. I have a girls’ night planned, just to chat and connect. I’m going to Morocco in a couple weeks.

I feel close to God. Alhamdulillah, everything is good—even when it’s not. Truly, Alhamdulillah.

is it scarier to start over or continue living like this?

My heart hurts. It pounds and aches. What have I become? The anxiety creeps in, and I try to keep my mind busy.

The only thing helping is my little boy. His cuddles. His tiny hands reaching for me. His voice mumbling “mama”.

But my heart still holds something I can’t put into words.

It’s over.

This mariage is suffocating me. Holding it together for bby boy. But how long can I stand? God help me

Oh regrets…

They keep coming back.

Crawling to your back.

But nothing to do when you can’t have the time back.

Till what extend a women stays? Unhappy? For the kid? When is it acceptable to give up? To say enough is enough?

I don’t know. I’m just asking

Whats the key to a happy marriage? I need that key …

What a fucking year 2024 has been.

Not in a good way what so ever. But then again it’s the year I became a mom to a beautiful baby boy.. he’s the only good thing. The most challenging also. Postpartum is no joke. I’m back with my psy, we keep bringing up the past to understand some things. But I think we’ll need to discuss the present in the next session. I’ve been miserable the past week. Crying every night. Wishing for bad stuff to happen, just like my last depression. It feels heavy, and the guilt is like no other.

To you who made me a mother,

The feeling is like no other.

The lack of sleep is challenging,

But motherhood is so rewarding.

Watching your milestones front seat,

Oh we’ve waited a long time to meat.

I love you forever,

I’ll always be here whenever.

To you who made me a mother,

Hope time goes by slower.

- our first Mother’s Day

This is getting unbearable. A burden I cannot deal with at the moment.

Please God, resolve this.

A baby is supposed to bring you closer right? That the love you have for each other only grows exponentially… right? I thought so too, everyone says that but it’s not always the case I guess. At least in my experience. I feel disappointed and let down. I feel sad and discouraged. I hope it will pass and that it’s just temporary because of the lack of sleep and food but ughhhh. If not I’m going to explode. This is so overwhelming and so not helpful for my postpartum.

Feeling you growing inside me for months. And now watching you growing up in my arms.

The lack of sleep hits every morning, but at night when we’re together, it’s all worth it.

I love you endlessly, but being a new mom is petrifying.

So many questions and worries, I ask god to protect you.

My baby boy you’ll always be.

A mother I am now and for the rest of my life will be.

The silence is so heavy. Who would’ve thought it would be like this after three months. I know it’s my fault but at the same time it’s not. I should’ve asked for help a lot sooner, but I guess now is the time. You’re not helping but I cannot blame you. How can you when I don’t even know how to help myself. Feeling a thousand km from you yet you’re right next to me in bed. The words we’ve spoken in the past few days can be counted since there’s not that many… what can I tell you?! What can you tell me?! I don’t feel like myself and this is not us.. I guess it is us for now. I don’t know how long we can stand like this. Are we even standing? I know I’m not, I’m crawling everyday trying to make it, I’m currently crawling through life and I’m just holding you back. Do you even care? Good night I guess.

Z

Don't tell me what I can’t feel

don't tell me that I have no reason to be sad, don't tell me that I have no reason to cry. Don't tell me that I have no reason to be depressed. As if I don't know that I have a home, a family and a husband. As if I don't know I have a job, decent money and vacations planned. It doesn't really help, in fact it makes me hate myself even more. I know I do not have a reason but I’m feeling what I’m feeling. Feelings do not need reasons.

I’m feeling tired of this life, I’m feeling discouraged for the rest, I’m feeling all the negative emotions and rarely any positive ones. I’m feeling hungry but I feel like starving myself. I’m feeling tired but I don’t feel like I can be in a deep sleep. I’m feeling like wanting to do so many activities but I feel like doing nothing. I’m feeling nostalgic of an old me but I feel like I’ve never really been happy. I’m feeling grateful for everything but I do not feel content. I’m feeling like life is not worth living but I want to feel otherwise. I’m feeling confused, but what to do about it.

Z

hoping for the best

First time paying for a psychologist this week. I’ve always had bad experiences with them, hopefully this time as I’m actually paying for the service, it will be good. I really need it. I need the help. I need the clarity. I need to understand these feelings. I need to have some hope. I can't keep going like this and just wait for a happy moments, knowing well that it will be followed by a bad one. I’m wasting so much time and I don't want too anymore. I really want to be better, for me, for my husband, for my parents and for my future child. I need to do the work now and probably do the work for the rest of my life. At least it won't be starting all the way from the ground and it will be more work to maintain myself on a higher level.

Z

Drowning in pain. Painful life.

Z

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