silence and solitude makes me think

thoughts can be good, bad, weird, insane, normal, wtf, boring, or just plain out of this world. // so um all these are just my ramblings really. things that suddenly struck me out of no where. like lightning rly but i've never been struck by lightening so idk.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

it's a new year. 2015.

hmm. so i guess this is that time of the (new) year to make resolutions (though i honestly believe we don't need it to be the new year's eve to make them)

either way, i have a few. and announcing them makes it feel that i can be held liable if i don't stick with them.

anyway, here goes me giving 'living a better life' a try. (though, there is no try, only do.)

1. healthy living. i really need to drink more water. there are days i actually go without drinking a glass of water, which is seriously bad for me. a few minutes on just dance plus one run on those 7 minute exercise apps should do me good since i do enough walking around my college. oh, i also need to eat better. enough fast food and convenience store food. no more less coffee and more tea (not the sweetened kind). 

2. be a more responsible student. pass requirements before-hand or on time of good or, better yet, great quality. enough lazing about. we only have one-shot at the university we're in and my scholarship requires good grades. come on, you lil shit, you only get one-shot at life better make it good enough. study at least 2-3 days ahead for exams. for math, do practice exams.

3. work towards med school. start opening those reviewers. the exam may be a few years way but we know how fast time likes to fly when we're not taking notice. like a freaking golden snitch.

4. give everything you're best, if you won't, just don't do it. there's no point in doing something half-assed. it's just gonna be a waste of time. when you get an idea write it down and start on it right away. if you get a plot idea, write write and write some more. 

5. spend your time wisely. there's no point sticking around things (or people) you don't enjoy. it's better to be alone that be around people you don't like. you'll be doing yourself, and them, a great disservice. so just don't. don't let a minute pass you by because once it's gone there is no getting it back. time is gold. and fast. as i said, like a snitch.

6. treasure your precious people. because they're precious and you won't find another quite like them. show them you care. let them know that someone loves them. respect them. accept them for who they are. forgive them and don't hold grudges. life is too short to hold such painful things close to your heart.

7. be comfortable in your own skin. you are who you are, you can't change that and there's no point over agonising it. and if you can't accept and love yourself, who else will? there's no point in trying to be someone you're not, the people who really love you will accept you for who you are. love yourself for who you are. however love yourself enough that if you see a flaw, fix it. there's no point in trying to keep a bad habit especially if it can lead to places you'd rather not even be within 10 meters of. respect yourself, love yourself, accept who you are.

8. don't take shit from anyone because you deserve respect. but don't deal out shit either. we go through enough shit in our lives that we don't need to take unnecessary shit from the people around us. stand up for yourself. but respect others as well. don't trample on people's rights. however if you see them abusing their privileges and at the same time trampling on some else's rights, stand up for the abused. apathy is an ugly thing and exactly the shit the world doesn't need. do your own thing as long as you aren't hurting anyone or hitting people's rights then it's a-ok. also, life is shit enough as it is for people so always remember to treat everyone with respect. everyone deserves respect, down to the earth we are living in.

9. enjoy the life you have been given a chance to live. not everyone is as blessed as you. don't count your blessings. don't compare, as well. just enjoy and be thankful. grab every opportunity that comes your way, and if none seems to be coming go hunt for them, or kick closed doors wide open. you deserve to be given a chance just as much as anyone does. live in the now. there's no point on mooning for the past or dreaming of the future. if you have enough time to dream about it then you have enough time to work towards that dream. remember, dreaming about something isn't enough to make them happen. also, face each day with a smile. a little positivity can go a long way, not just for you but for the people around you. a smile can mean the world for someone having a bad day. but remember you also deserve to show what you feel but remember there is no point in wallowing in negativity.

10. and finally, don't be afraid of change. embrace them and grow. 

(most of these, are mostly changes in my mentality and how i view life but hey they're still good things.)

so there. it has been written. time to stick with it.

2014 was good but let's make 2015 better!

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

sometimes, i just wonder, 'Am I as important to my friends as they are to me?', and the fact that i doubt that the resounding answer is an affirmative hurts me.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

no matter how many people say I have good leadership skills those skills don't seem apparent when i actually put them into practice. i hate being the "leader" in projects or papers since everyone's tendency is to procrastinate, procrastinate, and procrastinate some more. and when you actually encourage them to work they get pissed. 

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

i hate feeling like i'm your fallback and that all i am to you is your second choice. but honestly, from what i can see that's all i am and i am sick of it. i am sick of the constant ache that leaves me feeling useless and worthless because i'm apparently not good enough to be your first choice (or anyone else 's for that matter). fuck it, i'm tired of the wringer you put my emotions and feelings through. i just give up on this "friendship", if you can even call it that, we have.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

i refuse to put the blame on me. it was your choice. sure, my actions may have affected you but it is still your choice on how you will react to it. i refuse to make myself feel guilty over this. i refuse.

calm. i am calm. i am the tranquility in an untouched lake, the silence in a peaceful meadow. i am calm.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

denial land

i never believed in that phase of liking someone after you find out you have no chance or they like someone else. you start to make excuses for your behavior and feelings towards them. it sucks and it's difficult to actually convince yourself that you never liked that person in that way.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

people care but they only really show it when you finally start breaking but by then it can be a little too late.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

my encroaching slight depression is probably the reason why i've been so touchy-feely and clingy with people

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

i’m broken and barely put together and society can go fuck itself if it can’t deal with that fact

- littletumblingthoughts

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

i thought university life would be a chance for me to make more friends. friends who put me first. friends whose first option when they need to talk to someone is me. i had this in high school and, gods, those friends would always be in my heart but we ended up in different schools and i'm the farthest from all of them and it sucks. amazingly enough though we've kept in touch and i have to say we're still as close as ever. hopefully, things will stay that way but then we never know the future. i gained a lot of friends so far but, i guess, my problem is that they've ended up pairing together and well here i am the one who is always left alone when it's time to partner up. 

it sucks because, hello, i'm here willing to all but sacrifice my future to be there for any of them but i don't think any of them would do the same for me. i'm so tired. tired of waiting for someone who would put me first in my block. i'm on the verge of giving up honestly and i just want to let go of all the fucks i give. i give too many fucks to my relationship with my friends and it hurts, goddammit. it fucking hurts like a steal rod with spikes was driven through my heart and made to stay there and every time my expectations aren't met it feels like the rods is being moved. 

i know i shouldn't expect much from people but i have to much faith in them to be able to give up as much as i can. i am so very willing to drop everything when you scream for my help but i don't think i have anyone like that who is easily reachable. 

knowing and putting something into practice is two very different things. i can never put into practice what i know when it comes to relationships. gods, i am just so fucking tired of not having anyone who can understand everything i'm going through because they're going through the exact same shit. i have friends who will always support me and try to understand, oh and they might even get me, but they won't have that innate understanding of what i'm going through.

gods, i'm just so fucking tired that i just wanna let go but i have invested so much and it hurts to pull away. i'm just so tired. i just wanna give up on my relationship with my friends. i don't think any of them even fucking notice what I'm going through right now. i'm just so fucking tired. 

i should just focus on all things that will help me grow as a person. and hopefully, things will fall into their proper places sooner rather than later.

HA. fat chance of me doing that. i'm probably gonna drive myself crazy with questions of what i did wrong that caused us to be where we are right now.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

your timing in saving me from my depressing thoughts are so nice. i miss you. i hate the physical distance between us. i hope that the emotional distance between us won't copy it. gods, i miss giving you hugs. i miss having our out-of-the-blue deep as the marinas trench talks. i miss you, okay. gods, what i would do to get even just a day with you. december seems so far away.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

Don't mess with my decisions. Don't judge before you understand. Don't dictate my actions. I get that you're trying to guide me but you have to understand that I'm not as gullible as you think I am. Don't worry I can lower my pride enough to ask you for help when I feel like I'm drowning in the sea that is college. Let me feel failure (just not in my academics don't worry I've felt enough disappointment during high school). Let me feel the sting of it. Let college be the one to remove my rose tinted glasses which has already been removed since high school but you to which you deluded yourself. Don't worry I have seen how ugly this current age can be. It is my decision to expect and see the best in people or else I will forever have lost my faith to what we, humans, can do. I know I might seem naive and gullible to you at times but that is because I prefer to expect the best in people. Don't worry though, I prepare for the worst. Also don't worry, I know you just want to impart to me the wisdom of your years but there are some things I can never learn through talks and lectures. Sometimes it takes the actual experience to drive home the point. Im just asking you to let me through stumble through life with my own two feet. Don't hold my hand through it but be there for me to run to when it become to much for me. Don't make the way for me but walk beside me. I might not be a full adult that is self sustaining but I can make my own decisions.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

You know what would appease me? If you stop treating him like glass because goddammit he is never going to learn. You've given him a lecture but well here's the deal, the point didn't drive itself home. You know why you only gave me one lecture, because once was enough for me. I got the message you were trying to send. Well, my brother's to hardheaded to let it through. If you don't drive the point now while he's still a bit young (though honestly he isn't but for you he is so whatever) it's going to be detrimental for him. It's double standards. Why can't you hold him to the same standards as you do for me. Just because he is a guy doesn't mean he should be allowed to focus less in his academics. Don't use the excuse that I'm smarter than him because that's a dishonor to him. Innate intelligence can only get you so far. He can work hard for it but you let him, time and time again, squander his time to play video games and sleep. As a grade schooler, you drove me to become an honor student but you let him play and waste his time. I remember the time when I used to hate reading but you forced it on me again and again until I learned to love it. And for that I am forever grateful. But you never game him the same pressure and he will never learn of the beauty held between covers of books, of the adventures and lives that can be told with words. As a high school student, you expected me to act in a more mature manner, to be responsible of my homework, to act like the student I am. But for him, you let him sleep when he should he doing his homework, you let him get away with not doing it by either doing it for him or making me do it. Sure, we're of different genders and we have different personalities and the way we respond to things may be different but it's your job as parents to find a way to drive the point home for him. Don't do him a disservice by trying to apply the same things you used on me when it obviously doesn't work for him and at the same time wonder why he's the way he is. You might think this is the bet he can get but that isn't true, you just never game him enough pressure to find his perseverance to overcome things. Sure it might seem he's going to break but he's tougher than that. Crying wasn't enough to make you stop pushing so why should his tears be enough. There's only so much distance in which you could hold his hand and pave the way for him. And to you my brother, fucking fix your shit. You won't be a teen forever. There will come a time when you won't be able to fix your shit because reality is knocking at your front door. Listen now while you have the advice being given to you. Work hard to build the habits we keep trying to give you. Habits or skills aren't something that can be done by proxy you have to do them yourself. You have to push yourself to your limit for you to break the barrier of where you currently are or, in a way you will understand, for you to level up.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

50 questions. Send me numbers.

1: What would you name your future daughter?

2: Do you miss anyone?

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

7: How late did you stay up last night?

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

20: Who did you last see in person?

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

23: Have you ever been to Paris?

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

25: Do you use chap stick?

26: Who did you last share a bed with?

27: Are you listening to music right now?

28: What is something you currently want right now?

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

30: How is your heart lately?

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

33: What do people call you?

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

36: What are you listening to right now?

37: What is wrong with you right now?

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

40: What is on your wrists right now?

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

49: Have you ever been to New York?

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

delivering.

why is it that i find it so hard to deliver my promises. especially the ones i make to myself. is it because there aren't any expectations from them?

i can easily deliver promises i've made to somebody else but if i make them to myself it becomes a whole different ballgame. maybe it's my mindset, i know that every time i make a promise to myself will end up with me in disappointment. i know that mind setting is one of the most important things for success. if you believe you can't do it then you probably can't do it. 

i guess knowing things and actually putting them into practice are two very different things.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

Priorities

1. Acads. (And all things related.)

2. Fandoms

3. Family and Friends

AHAHA My surprising priorities list. (OH WELL.)

I have to be honest though, my fandom time is around 4-5 hours and that is enough to keep me running for the rest of my week. So I can't really begrudge it that number 2 spot. I mean, short time frame and long term effects. BINGO. 

Acads will have to stay in number 1 because I need to get into Med School and that in itself is a struggle with passable grades. I'll need exemplary grades to have a fighting chance. And I'm quite sure my parents will agree to its spot.

Family and friends are always there, interaction with them in your daily life is inevitable, therefore, I just need to maximize and capitalize on those times. Make the most out of your time with your friends in similar classes. Plan study groups. Have lunch together. Relax with them. The position in the list isn't directly proportional to their importance in your life. 

For me, priorities lists are there to guide you when things gets hectic in your life. When you're starting to wonder if up is down or down is up, if you'll ever have a down time, if the next 8-hour sleep is only in your dreams or if you'll survive the whirlwind called your life. 

So yeah, this will hopefully stay as my list for the next few years. Afterwards, I hope it will look something like this:

Priorities

1. Graduate Med School (and decide on my specialization)

2. 3 Fs. (Family, Fandom, and Friends)

I'm hoping that 4 years down the road called life I will be better at maintaing the necessary balancing act to retain my sanity.

AHAHAHA. Mwah. Ja.

[littletumblingthoughts-blog]

"so i just read infinity and

i feel like someone just shoved their hand into my chest and gripped my heart in their hands and i feel each beat stronger than the last like it’s the only sound that exists and then the person pulls it out and i can feel it and see it beating and i can see it, how he’ll slowly make cuts on it like it’s the most precious thing on earth but then he’ll shove it back in and he’ll leave me to deal with the pain alone, but he shakes his head and just places it where sit used to be. he gives it a soft caress and slowly vanishes like the way the wind blows. but now, it feels like it doesn’t quite belong there anymore and i just want him to come back and stay even if he grips my heart so hard i feel like i’m fighting for each breath. at least when he held it i could feel him.

that is how i’m feeling right now."

the story made me think. he was fortunate enough to get one last day with them but we don't and fuck doesn't it make you feel like such a heartless bastard for not enjoying and treasuring each day of your life with the people you love because fuck death isn't fair and you'll never know when it'll take away someone you hold close to your heart. so dear self, please integrate it into your very being 'hold each interaction with the people you love close to your heart because one day it will be the only thing remaining'. fuck it, even if you're fighting because at least you have someone to fight agianst. be grateful for every chance for another interaction because it might be your last with them. each day so many people die. we will never know who will be next. treat each day like it's your last.

//even school, each day is a chance to learn something new and each day will be spent learning that there is even more to learn and it will be so beautiful.