megalomaniac

a nerd's poetry collection

[livingarch1ve]

circle and fly

steaming, warm genes pool against your breath i fall like a fool for those distorted eyes anxious, my fears pooling beneath my chest i act to save yet it cuts down your time

going days without food, irrationally possible i feel my mind rejoice when you nibble at the sky foolish strings of arenes must have hampered your system the insatiable heat must have ignited your mind

i can't bear to step where your soul is not i wonder if my care stopped you from being mine did the blood you lack make you freeze with rage? did i make you want to die?

[livingarch1ve]

in mind

Hollow, it leaves me, Choking on my breath, tired, The sunbathed cloud collapses around us, They fear it's how my nerves are wired.

It burns me when I sleep Despite me, my exhaustion welcomes the heat.

I see the way life functions Loving touch melt into distrust Maybe I am thankful for the hierarchy The death of right restraining us

Nausea builds beneath my tongue The surface hates my erratic lungs.

An escape awaits me, one I believed unfathomable Surrounded by machinery beyond its time I gasp through broken lungs like a suffocating flower Forgotten amongst those who’d neither lived nor died.

[livingarch1ve]

desperation

my weight is bound to heavy chains, you say it makes me an anchor am i worth anything when the ship i aid never leaves the harbor? water floods into my lungs, i feel my skin bruising under your touch you feel so warm, im attracted to a fury- a pyre that is holy, perhaps far too much

you know i’m helpless in my state, i am less than worthy, nothing to you, i exist as mere footprints, created and built on what you say and do i am tempted to tear into you, pieces from the perfect reality you make i need to feel a little more of you, i need to prod beyond your perfect shape

scar my ruined veins, show me any sign that you exist beyond the night against all i stand for, make me break till i create matter, waves of soft, ambient light disrupted as my heart, broken as my ribs, the particles shall carve through the thick, deep skies someday you'll feel afraid of me someday you'll fear what you see in my eyes

[livingarch1ve]

flamingos

I barely remember being a child Desperately grasping at memories of my youth In such gross, sticky affairs What made us so human, free of foreign roots

We'd plot to steal their money, fill our stomachs with addiction Those rusty bus seats served our sore muscles well Too much honey for my like, rotting my brain like an acid But I love just as I used to, I know it tastes better when we share

It still feels a little blurry when I imagine us Your money was just as viscous as our time-stealing hands I see the signs now that my youth would blind me of Your love spoilt me rotten, I won't dig my head in the sand

[livingarch1ve]

an anomaly to ships

my throat is in a constant panic, craving freedom from the sky i feel like an ocean coral being withered out as the water recedes i own a human heart living like a plant, so constant and unchanging but over a lapse of time, i see it flourish and soften its own panicking beats.

when i drown, i hope the water is gentle, separate from the waves crashing above as i decay i’d feel my skeleton get tangled with the ocean vines my foot still bound to the anchor that never in life would fail to ground me the world stops, my heartbeat ends, just the humming of the deep remains within my mind.

[livingarch1ve]

memory

we’ll reach the same spot it’ll take a different amount of time you look like a corpse did i take all of your light? i type in through these keys lettering out my fearful thoughts what made you so resilient to the environment that made me rot? if there comes a dawn when we meet i hope you’re blinded of what you saw in me but if you remember me as i remember you i’m sure you'd look at me like a skull cracked anew

[livingarch1ve]

break your own trust

Disillusioned by my feelings, I feel it all today Agoraphobia creeps in, claims its' glory over me Watch me sob into my deterministic brain Alone as the days poison like weed

Watch me cripple over my genius, There is no other way, I must

I won’t love till I am understood I burrow into what I love I hit their organs, I know they’ll perish Escape from it all, from everything to none

It all rots, It always rots with time, Woe, what a bigoted sense of mind.

“Stop with the heart,” I’d think in my escape I’d curse myself for turning back on what i say Miserable, I can only hope, it’ll pull my end near Geocentric, it breaks my tune with night and day.

[livingarch1ve]

whirring

near the lake on that cold spring night the world was just a little blurry i watched the moonlight, the earth's breath sink in time is fleeting, in an evident hurry

i felt my nose ache a bit, saw fleeing drops of warm blood i felt my hair ride the wind, water lapping against me gently my eyes were fixated on the sky, i must've been floating above a lake who remains ever so clear, undisturbed by my body’s shove.

my body scrambles towards the cold, stony juts my eyes witnessed the world pass me by despite myself, my fingers would still crave the touch of the silent leaves that flutter without the thought of time.

[livingarch1ve]

mud

i stare at the soil, i've waited for so long acidic and rough, it burns through my tongue i’ve trudged far beyond my home, i ache to be here but since i broke contact, times' veil has come undone

beyond my view is a town id seen pleading for me to claim the rest i seek but until i've planted my bones underneath i shall dig and dig till the world gives in to me.

it softens under the fluids i weep i am dreadfully tired, my work feels obsolete but i’ve got promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep.

[livingarch1ve]

or was it real?

i cant breathe, lungs pumping erratically my fingers are tearing into my skin it starts to swell under my touch a burning sensation from within

im plucking at my knuckles, pacing around my shrinking place my skin cracks under the pressure i feel the pain slow me from my haste

i see you as my eyes fixate i back away because i care ideally id tell you what i need and when i look back you're still there

but i never learnt to use my words all i do is punch and hide don’t come close, it's far too dark allow me to feel the wrath of night

[livingarch1ve]

crescendo

the flowers and their trees they seem to bloom before my very eyes id watch them tremble forth stretching towards the sunlit sky

they hide within the midnight dust i watch their every move no hinderance can save them from my eyes the starless sky emits a sense of doom

the soil remains just as accepting it asks me to come home my ears are rotting to its soft melody that rises within me in a bitter crescendo

[livingarch1ve]

rain at sea

beneath the rain as forsaken as i can be, i anchor my ship to the bottom of the sea. the breeze lingers within each plank of wood, i choke on the heavy droplets falling towards me.

pulling myself against the deck i sink as the fog seeps into my head no lighthouse in sight, i close my eyes avoiding the sunlight and all i dread.

it hits me all at once, the haze, my memories of what love would say thick as honey, how it engulfs me, the interaction distorts it in it's cruel, cruel way.

[livingarch1ve]

sundays

your love hit me so hard the whole memory feels like a blur the absence of your touch made it easier to swallow my heart still flutters when i think of your words

it became a routine, but when it was what it was heavy and filled with the honesty of drowse i still hear the 'i love you' as i sink against the door 'i'll never forget you' as i stumble back into my house

she'd take me to the garden, i can't remember why i've never felt your hands like this, i remember being torn but i'd never bleed she'd talk along for hours, i'd watch her take away my time by second nature i cry wishing i could remember how you feel

[livingarch1ve]

beyond me

the source of your music has become increasingly clear i feel it thrumming in my heart as it blares into my ears i want to be separate from my vessel yet i am bound to it's molecules you diffuse into my skin, i am a willing recipient and a fool.

the night feels heavy, you fill up the corners of this room so abstract is your being, how could it be bound to what is physical too? i need this to be forever, i can’t let the light take you away this time but your eyes still fill me with a nauseating terror, tearing into parts that do not belong to you

i understand the faults you see in me if it means to be with you, i'll be as you wish forever

[livingarch1ve]

spectator ions

i fear time, i dread the night i find it tough to sleep sometimes my fears feel quite particular when im left with the sight of a silver mirror im not afraid of the things i see not until i start to feel coagulating my human cells bursting through my organelles

under the sulfur laced skies surveilled by the all seeing eyes i feel vulnerable, i dont want to be things that ever want to be seen but i can’t help but play the puppet and please for they watch me from within the birch trees

[livingarch1ve]

bind

i sit upright in the passenger seat my eyes fixated on the road before us i’m not a fan of running my tongue loose oh how i wish there were a wall between us

it comes tumbling out of me in the form of confession no lying can change the abjectification of my heart i know that i could never be even a morsel of a man to you i watch the tears pool on my seat, my muscles still fixed to the wrong parts

i've seen them tear their muscles, mould their voices with their bare hands i feel a sharp hate disperse within my organs, you're watching it build this hatred, birthed by your discomfort, diffusing into my reveries for everything that i've ever felt, forgive me father, for i have sinned.

“you are not worth the life you wish to kill real men learn to suck it in.”