simple as it seems

a simple catalogue of thoughts, poetry & life.

[livjoie]

2:1

oh, you sly devil walking into my misery.

an angelic being on this side of history.

you’re a color wheel using only black and white.

the demon keeping me up at night.

one curses your name but loves you the same.

you’re the gatekeeper to the insane.

a sneaky brother with a coward’s vein. 

[livjoie]

such a fun-day (notice the pun) #fungi (at Muzej gljiva)

[livjoie]

he doesn't give a rats ass. #winkwink

[livjoie]

Tea, and time.

We gather knowledge throughout our time, with no knowledge of circumstances in which they will be once again useful.  

We realize, over and over again, that life’s set stages are not the stages we find ourselves upon. Are we barely hanging on? Or maybe we’re finding ourselves childish, or uncomfortable. 

We live these lives, because that’s what we’re meant to do. We follow our direction, and not our dreams. Dreams were made for the past generations. Work was made four ours.

In a battle we will never win, we fight. Sometimes with optimism, sometimes with doubt.

As everything is progressively bigger, and bigger, and bigger. When can our small selves find our comfortable nests to reside? When can we find ourselves with the right amount-- or enough. When is there satisfaction? 

We enter these chapters, not because we’re choosing them, but because they’re happening to us. And we cannot change the ways of life, of the world, of of others. We are only in control of our own selves.

Those who can say “It’s enough” are merely braver and stronger than ourselves. We find ourselves doing the things we don’t enjoy doing, because we’re made to do them. Instead of doing the things we find within our hearts.

Is this what adulthood is? What is pleasure-- and does pleasure have any value within our humanity?

It seems the older I have become, the more I search for pleasure. The harder it is to approach and experience said enjoyment.

I don’t want to wait until I’m 70 and aching to start appreciating and enjoying this life fully. I don’t wish for retirement to come and find myself stockpiling the experiences I have wished and longed for.

I don’t want a big life, but I do want a happy life. I want to see the world and enjoy the cultures, earth and lifestyles. I want to walk, everywhere. I want to be happy and enjoy. I want to be cozy. These are the things that are most important to me.

And that’s tea time.

[livjoie]

growing pains & learning love

You never know when something so right can feel begin to feel exactly the opposite. As if something that once felt so good, throws itself into reverse and changes route, headed to an unknown destination.

I am learning, growing, experiencing these growing pains. Within me, with you. This new form of communication, of speaking from our souls, from learning patience, kindness and empathy. A new form of loving, caring, being.

I understand when they say “love if fought for”... because it’s not easy or given. There’s no method, it’s confusion followed by confusion, then discussion with clarity. This continuous circle that seems difficult to control (especially for two control freaks). I have learned how to let things go-- learning what is healthy and not. Learning how to stand up for myself and vocalize emotions and feelings clearly and fully. Completely standing up for myself through the days.

With you I learn a new part of myself. With you I learn a new strength, a strength that is cultured together. I am glad we didn’t give in or up. I’m happy for what we are.

But darn it’s difficult.

[livjoie]

The process and vulnerability of choice.

As we step through these moments together, learning what bliss and challenges will come to us in the future if we should choose to be together: I realize so much that the moments of closeness and intimacy do not make any formidable sense. Time seems to continuously pass, and the bond we create seems to deepen and electrify with ideas and opportunities. I see a future, a golden trail forming ahead that we can both choose to walk into and onto. 

Both, continuously, forward, together. The trail cannot be walked alone and it has to be continuously chosen.

The moments of quietness, of tenderness, of frustration seem to bundle themselves into a choice. A choice to persist, to stay, to progress, to indulge, to become together, not separately.

A partnership is not fallen into; it’s not ill-judged or manipulated poorly. Nor is it something we engage momentarily, then forget or move on. It’s a choice to watch someone grow, create, flourish. It’s a constant decision.

These moments of lust never seemed to appear, nor have these moments of jealousy or anger-- present emotions in past relations. You’ve become a deep want, but for no moments do I need you. You don’t challenge me in one area, but in many. You learn me as I learn you. And learn each other perfectly, we do. We are mature individually and mature together. We are each other’s warmth, giver, kindness, generosity. 

I am proud to share life with you. I am happy for the memories we will make. I am fulfilled with the love we create. I am excited for the passion we hold. I am comfortable with the vulnerabilities we share. I enjoy every second--regardless of which emotion is being displayed.

I choose you. And the more I know you, I want to continue choosing you.

[livjoie]

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag to this 26 years old goober. I'm wishing upon a starfish for you to have the best memories ever today ! #holyguacamole (hier: Skagens Gren)

[livjoie]

Naturally. #Paris (hier: Paris, France)

[livjoie]

Moments and Monuments

In one moment we can address our lives with certainty and credibility. And in a whisking moment, those exact statutes that keep us upheld will break down our central capabilities, creating a doubt that will subtly eat through our existence into a place of disability and depression.

At what point do you walk away from the burning building and give up the fight? At what point do we address the problems we face with diligence and grace. Is grace an existent enough trait to hold us through the framework of association and dignity?

We continue lifestyles that anticipate the dread and recognize the happiness, generally. Taking into consideration our own personal joy and pleasure, while knowing that the words we choose to use could easily be used against our humanity and the potential of hurt and loss is great, great, when vulnerability and trust are involved.

But, who, my friend, is a power player in a two person game--and do we know a subtle winner when the battle persists. Who will come away with dignity and honor and respect, who will be left in a sandstorm to fend for themselves. The answers are unknown. And even, as going through the motions, we find ourselves reigning champion--with a recognition of future failure. As all ventures do not run successful, especially in matters of careful consideration (or unrequited folly).

There are no words to examine self and time in a fair and easy way--only time and continuation of thought and feelings that develop: whether hate, love, passion. But can any of these traits that we have come to realize once before, be upheld when you dive back into the previous situation you once battled and overcame?

What happens to the winner and the loser? They both walk away with their bruises, life experience, appreciation, hurt. They both loose the connection and driving force that once brought them together, that once pushed them away from the other.

They once said “I want nothing more” but it was all say and no action. And when you respond to the action and not the words, the line you face is tricky, unstable, misleading, harmful.

So when I look at the situation, a situation I had clarity over for weeks/months. I suppose that I am the one guilty. From A to Z. I burned the house down. I poured the gasoline. And I tried to put it out.

But in the end, it’s my disaster, my mess, my displaced memories that no longer have an attaching home. We all learn, we all grow, we all evolve, we all become.

And that’s the story we will tell generations to come. But not ours together, ours separately.

[livjoie]

where two seas meet. #skagen (hier: Grenen)

[livjoie]

the interesting bits

Once, in a life time of opportunity. You may arrive at a space of unwitted knowledge of two foreign outcomes. Once a simple decision, can create a feeling of wrong, disapproval of self, an internal storm.

I wonder the outcomes, the simple truths of each moment creating a reality more complex than moments before. Or operating within a knowledge and recognition of truth and acceptance of what is, what could be, what actually exists.

And some times, the difference of existence and nonexistence is so similar, so unclear. As if the promise of right and wrong cannot be differentiated between what lacks of existence or has a base in reality. 

And what is an interpretation of what has happened, what is merely a notice of what is perspective. So much of our lives are determined by what we perceive as good/bad, and our memories based themselves within these moments of recognition.

So much of our lives are in recognition of emotions, thoughts, feelings. All of which do not exist within a real platform. The words we use with one could be easily placed with another. One you may know, one may be a stranger; One a long friend, one a new lover. These identical words hold different meanings depending on the level of vulnerability.

The strange thing, however, is a new lesson. That vulnerability and strength, regardless of mental assumption, are triggers. From the amount of respect and trust you have for one, can waiver at times. Making something much more intimate, or much less.

As far as I can tell, the relation to vulnerability is not timeless, as is love, as is affection, as ability. It’s interesting the migration of thoughts and feelings, through time, effort, forgetfulness. 

It’s the interesting moments of thoughtfulness and appreciation where we recognize the alternatives of each passing feeling, whether from years or days ago. 

An interesting perspective on our own personal evolution in regards to thoughts, experience, moments and apperception. The times we can recognize the amount of effort we put into unknown, unreal ideas and perspectives, maybe we should re-associate the amount of time and effort into the reality rather than focus on the emotions.

Or maybe we should focus more on the nonexistant and unknowns, rather than focus our energy towards the pressures, responsibilities and possibilities of reality. As our perspective, as it grows, becomes more varied in response to collaboration and identity.

Just a Monday afternoon thought.

[livjoie]

Six years and one year later.

It’s surreal that two huge events in ones life can coincide to a simple 3 days together. They seem to overlap in so many awful ways, and when I mourn, I mourn for both the most important people who ever existed within my life. My two most important people.

Six years later, I reminisce of the beauty I beheld for all the years I was able. Seems surreal that saying goodbye still seems so oddly near, when in relation it’s been a fourth of my life without her.

I remember the strength and delicacy that she portrayed her every motion within. I remember her laugh and her knowing eyes.

I wonder if even still we would remain so close. If we would still be so grateful to be aware of each other’s presence. I wonder if knowing all the happenings of the past six years, she would still listen to my calls in wondrous amazement. Or be as happy as she was about my life, my adventures, my silly stories.

I guess we will never know, as she has been gone for 6 years and I have continued on as a different person. I love the legacy that she left, I hope to portray myself fully within it. But, my oh my, I have changed from the girl she knew to the woman I am.

And I do believe, that she is still in the moon, and whenever--wherever I need her, she is with me.

Even one year ago, when I said goodbye to my second most important love, my captured legacy holder. One year on I miss you, I think about you countless times a day, I wonder so much about you.

Life brings us challenges and sadness, but let’s live in the joy of each other. In the bliss of these moments.

To my two greatest loves in all the universe. I seek the moon.

[livjoie]

The best moments

Were those we forgot to catalogue, appreciate, take fully of. The best moments were those sought out as a best of life, a best of opportunity, a best of fun. They usually found us in a splendid trance, without knowledge of the next moment. We probably could never foresee the sadness that so often follows. The best moments are those we find ourselves within only, away from impossibly. The best moments capture us. 

They seldom have photographs, they seldom have writings of the momentous gain and happiness we experience within them. They usually stand alone, within themselves. The best moments usually are rare.

We hope for another, another, another. Often with each other.

And we never realize how quick goodbyes approach. We often never notice how fast demands encroach. 

I will never forget those best moments, whether by scent or selective memory. I will never forget the moments I have shared with those I love, tremendously.

But I will say, that two people that I loved the most, those two people were my best moments. And those two people have come to pass.

I forever hold the best moments, in my memory. And I do wish to relive and reimagine all the wonders of those times, pleasantly. 

[livjoie]

“you. not wanting me. was the beginning of me. wanting myself. thank you.

“the hurt” from poet Nayyirah Waheed

[livjoie]

Freedom

The first step to freedom is deciding you are free. It has nothing to do with money or your bank account. It has nothing to do with time or the situations you are existing within. It has nothing to do with stress or ease. Your reflection or your health are regardless.

It’s a choice. Instead of living your life for the expectations of success or efficiency, live for your pleasure. Live for the needs of now, live for you. Do what you love, for yourself. Only you have the ability to create the joys of living for you.

And remind yourself that you, in this moment, are worth it. You are only as powerful as you allow yourself to become. So do not stop becoming.

Now, go live freely.

[livjoie]

The newness of now.

We obsess ourselves in the moments of our now. We challenge our days with life and create an opportunity to address the concepts of now with complete optimism that each situation is a survivable moment, whether each situation presents itself as one.

Our lives are not consistently staring at a face of death. They are clearly observing the idea that we are forever-beings without end or death. And that is a choice.

If we acknowledge that our moments were temporary, that life isn’t forever in our moments, I wonder how different our lives would be. Every moment a conscious decision of living now, and not later.

And I guess, if that was so, I would live with the knowledge of yesterday and the happiness for my today. Not always considering the tomorrows.

Happy today ! 

[livjoie]

Loving me.

The context of life is a winding journey with many dimensions. Where we some times forgetting the very essence of what we exist within. Not our bodies, but our souls, our ideals, our journeys. As if a personal tragedy is a means to bring us back to our withering, forgotten selves.

We enlist others to provide the love that should be gifted from within to ourselves. Searching for an outward answer to an inner problem.

A problem that I have stood against answering, in hopes to allow it to fade away, for some super power ability to create a new reality where every thing that happened suddenly disappears into a backdrop of beauty and bliss. I have walked in and out of a self-reality. And each time I “fall” for something, is when I forget myself.

I enlisted my birthday to be a time of solution: 24 is a year to love myself. And then I quickly forgot and left that idea to the wind. As if I had never once had a moment for myself to self-discover my folly, instead finding a lonely and stark nothing.

Filling time with meaningless and empty past times, I find myself following a path of nothing : deeper and deeper.

So, this life is in transition. I choose to love myself first. To think first of myself. To consider me before others. Not as an act of selfishness, but out of love. I am giving myself the love, care, attention, adventure I seek others to fulfill. I’m the only one who can create my realities. And I am happy to make my aspirations realize.

Happy Valentine’s Day, self ! x