I didn't know Ansel/transfaguette personally, but I logged on and saw his posts every day for years. When I started looking for more transmascs to follow who actually discuss our unique issues, I was so glad to have found him. I felt like we were such kindred spirits. We had a lot in common. His presence has been a staple of my Tumblr experience since the early days of COVID and this world is not the same without him in it.
There's a lot of reasons why this one's hitting hard... We lost Lucas Redbeard not 3 months ago, and I logged on and saw him every day, too. Then Murray Faust, who I didn't know at all, but who died around the same time, and even one is one too many.
I am scared that we're about to see a mass suicide/death event in the communities I care about the most (Lucas was shot, I'm not sure if we know what happened to Murray). Ansel was transmasc as well as disabled. He was facing homelessness. He was facing the same reality Bellamy and I have been living for three years, but all alone. He never should have had to do that. He deserved better. He just got top surgery. He deserved to live. He wanted to live.
Someday all too soon, we will also be gone. We both worry all the time which of us will go first. And I wonder who will show up to our profiles then, like I have to Ansel's and Lucas', crying and filled with regret that they didn't reach out more, or sooner, that we didn't get to know each other better. That we couldn't save each other.
This world, our unsupportive families, our indifferent communities, our uninvolved neighbors, old out of touch friends who've stopped checking in... Strange to think our they feel no such remorse, but strangers we've never actually spoken to might.
People who followed my blog will notice I'm dead before people who knew me for years. And it will still be too late.
I find myself wondering not who will show to my funeral, but who will scroll my socials, reading the real shit. The stuff I said for myself. The stuff that went unheard and spoken over and forgotten for so many years. Like the stuff we all saw Ansel posting for so long.
I see it time and time and time again... No one cares until you're dead. They're gonna do that to us, too. They could care about transmascs now. They could have held us now. We all could have had more time. Ansel could have had more time.
Thinking about all the unclaimed bodies that are piling up because people are homeless, estranged from their families, forced to relocate, and then when they die, nobody can afford to claim their remains. It's such a problem that it's starting to get reported on in the news.
Thinking about all the ones who don't get found. My trans brothers who don't get counted, who get misgendered and deadnamed and erased in records. Wondering if Ansel wanted to be found. I'm also taking it hard bc he seemingly used my own chosen method. If I went out to the woods like that, I would not want to be found. He suffered enough in life. Just let him rest.
Thinking about all my dead friends today, every one of them disabled. All my alive trans and disabled friends, especially the ones who are homeless right now, managing heatwaves, fungal dust storms, ash rain and flooding on top of everything else. Thinking about all the people and homes and animals and every single tree lost in the fires up north. Thinking about how this is the coolest, calmest summer we will see for the rest of our lives. I dont blame Ansel for his choice one bit. It doesn't matter that we are hurt by it. Now we get to carry the burden he could not. I hope he's at peace. I hope he can finally rest. I hope he found more solace than pain in the quiet at the end. I hope he gets better in the next life. I hope his memory is a blessing.
