This past year has been somewhat of a roller coaster. As anyone close to me knows, 2013 completely shattered me. In a nutshell, I trusted people I shouldn't have trusted and a series of unfortunate events quickly followed. My kind heart has always been my disadvantage and there were people that were quick to take advantage of that. That downward spiral took me to a place I never want to revisit - but it built me into a stronger man today.
In Britney terms, 2014 was both my Blackout and Circus. I made choices I'm not proud of; I did things I wish I had not; and encountered people that I could have lived without. No one quite knew what was wrong with me. I was quick to drown out everything by intoxicating myself into oblivion so I wouldn't have to deal with my emotions - but that was my demise. And that numb, empty feeling never quite left. It wasn't until one night that could have cost me my life that I realized that the change in my life needed to start from within me.
I came across a note from my Pastor, Carl Lentz, that said, "Don't let your disappointments detour you from your destiny, push forward and move on." And that was that. He was right - bad stuff happens. I knew that my destiny wasn't to be at home depressed; even though I needed this time to recover. I could either sulk in my own sorrows or rise up from the ashes and let my inner phoenix burn brighter than the sun.
I turned my train of thought around and didn't let the darkness or the enemy own me anymore. I prayed. I meditated. I focused on all the good and what to be thankful for. And that's when my light came back. A couple of friend's called it my "comeback".
I wake up every morning and give the first 10 minutes to God and pray. I thank Him for everything in my life. I have my dream job. I have amazing friends and family. My life is filled with love and support. I'm in the best shape of my life. I feel amazing. And if I'm not feeling it that day - I tell myself I am. You can be so surprised how strong your mind is. And for my Agnostic friends, you don't have to pray to change, just focus on the good.
I couldn't let a series of bad events change who I am. I couldn't let it make me hate myself. Happiness begins with finding who you are and loving everything about you - including the flaws.
After opening up my Bible that was a gift from my friend Matt, I saw a note in it he wrote that said, "You will do great things and be a voice to many." That was when I realized that this year, this journey, it wasn't about it. It wasn't about what had happened but it was about how I overcame it. For me, every battle was about the victory and how you can help others that are fighting that fight survive.
So to all the utterly messed up parts of 2014 - THANK YOU. Because you made me realize no matter how much I try to block off the world around me, the world keeps moving and I gotta keep moving with it. From every one of my downfalls came a victory - because all that dark you threw at me has made my light shine brighter than ever.
And to all my loved ones that were there for me this year..thank you. Thank you for holding my hand during a scary movie. Thank you for wiping my tears at brunch. Thank you for dancing with me in the mud. Thank you for feeding me cheese fries at Portillo's. Thank you calling me until I answered. Thank you for not leaving me while I was throwing up in an alley. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being my friend. You were there for me during my head shaving...you'll be there for my next world tour. I love each and every one of you more than words can explain.
So finally, an ode to you 2014, for without your darkest moments, I would never truly appreciate the complete happiness I feel right now and know the true beauty of life that surrounds me. So thank you. And 2015...bring it bitch.
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