Illuminate

[thempress]

People look down on McDonald’s employees but fail to realize that if all these folks left McDonald’s and pursued “better careers”  your ass wouldn’t be able to get a McDouble with an Oreo McFlurry at 3am. 

You can’t demand a service while simultaneously degrading those who provide it for you. 

[bexlogic]

You can’t demand a service while simultaneously degrading those who provide it for you. 

[llxbxll]

I graduated high school a semester early because I hated it so much. I started at community college right away and eventually dropped out because of a lack of direction and extreme anxiety. I moved to Tennessee for 3 years to start a new adventure...eventually I moved back home, got new motivation for my future and went back to school. A LOT of life has happened since I graduated high school nearly 10 years ago. It may have taken me five years to complete this degree, but I’m proud to finally say that I graduated with my BFA in August. It’s officially real. Here’s to continuing life’s adventures and achieving goals.

[llxbxll]

Me too.

Though it may have taken me a week to post those two words...I didn’t really want to. Because I don’t owe my story to anyone. But I came across a draft email that I wrote several years ago and it inspired me to post it.

“Why put your secrets out there for the world to pick apart? Because hopefully even a single person can pull some sort of positivity from the stories we all have to tell and the things that we've been through.

Our lives are not all about what happens to us, but also how we change and better ourselves because of these situations...

I was 14 when we started dating. Within 6 months, he promised me he'd kill himself if I ever broke up with him. By the time we were together one year, I was wearing pants and shirts that were a size too big because he didn't want me showing off my body. I stopped hanging out with friends because he knew it would give me an outlet. I stopped standing up for myself by that point because he'd call me a bitch. I stopped voicing my opinion because he'd tell me how stupid I was. I thought I could "fix" him because he told me that he loved me and I believed him. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember and even though there was some happiness in that situation, I don't remember a single good memory because all of the pain held far more weight. Within a year and a half he promised me he'd kill himself if I ever cheated on him. On his 17th birthday he called me a tease (like many times before) but this time he took advantage of my body. I told him no and I told him stop and the only thing that made him stop was the front door of the house opening because my mom came home. I'd never been so thankful for her more than I was on that day. One week later I kissed a guy from work because it was the only power I felt I had that finally gave me some sense that I deserved better. (Of course he wasn't better either.) I broke up with him the next day. He showed up at my work and drove down my street for weeks. Over the remainder of high school, he'd stick spitballs and notes into my hoodie and on my desk that read, "I hope you get pregnant" and "you're such a bitch".

When I was 18 I met a guy who wanted to cure all of my sadness. He treated me with such compassion that I broke his heart because I didn't know how to accept his love. After that I briefly "dated" two more assholes who were addicted to drugs. The first threw cigarette butts on me and put me into a powerslam because he thought it'd be funny. One time I got drunk and he wouldn’t let me pee in his house, he made me pee in the backyard like a dog. The next asked me to be his girlfriend while we were sitting in a car (right after I watched him snort a line of coke for the first time). I told him no, but he physically wouldn't let me leave until I changed my mind. I knew how these things worked by now, so I'd be better off just giving in to him, because what did I have to lose? He seemed "good enough". It didn't take long for him to scream at me when I wasn't doing what he wanted. I knew I was better than that, but I still stayed with him for a couple months until I found someone better. I broke up with him the next day and when he found out that I kissed another guy, he drove to my house drunk and threw up on my driveway. I don't think cheating is okay, but I honestly didn't feel like I had the power to break up with these guys until I had a reason more solid than "you're an asshole".

My life had been a series of cycles and attaching myself to whoever would give me attention. I stopped living for myself for a while and existed in someone else's life without even realizing that I was drowning. I faded away because I was too afraid to show my true self. That was my own choice. I didn't know how to properly love someone so I was needy and anxious and insecure. When I was 21 I found out he cheated on me multiple times, but he never had the balls to admit it. When I was 22 and finally gave myself some time to be alone, I gained more confidence and power than any other human could ever give me. I allowed myself to put faith in my own choices rather than allowing who I was dating to define who I was. When I was 22, my first boyfriend showed up on my porch in the summertime and apologized for all the pain he caused me even though he couldn't remember the things that he had done. He said his parents divorced and he saw how poorly his father treated his mother and he finally realized that what he did was wrong. I didn't remind him of all of the things he did, because I figured I'd been carrying the weight of it for so long that it couldn't possibly do any good to tell him how horrible he was. He said he still had feelings for me and asked for another chance...mind you that this apology and conversation is 6 years after the fact. I told him I forgave him for what he did, but I'd never forget it. We became acquaintances over the next year and I am convinced that it was only my way of trying to cope with the past..trying to forgive myself or forgive him or hope that he became a better human being. But truth be told, I don't know if he did and I realized that the friendship was not remotely healthy for my own well-being and future. When I was 23 I had a guy tell me he loved me and then 2 days later broke up with me in a text message. We never spoke again. That hurt far more than it should have but I spent some time figuring out why I was trying to fill myself back up with the presence of another person. I can tell you that the first relationship I had truly affected every aspect of my life for far too long. Sometimes I still have trouble stating the crazy ideas that come to my mind because I'm afraid of being called stupid. But I learned that breaking up with someone because "they're an asshole" is absolutely okay because it's also your way of understanding that you DO deserve better. Please don't settle for the ones who are undeserving of you. Please know that walking away from certain people and situations will have such a powerful and positive effect on your life. Please know that you are stronger and more capable than you give yourself credit for. Please be kind to yourself, even on the days you're weighed down by all of the extra baggage.”

[llxbxll]

Glad to have seen this quote tonight.

[llxbxll]

My heart is so heavy today. I can’t tell you how many times tears have fallen from my eyes. Last night just 10 minutes after the shooting ended I watched videos that were posted to social media. I can’t even comprehend the chaos in those moments and the gunshots echoing through the night. My parents will be in Vegas in just a few short days....bringing my mind to those “what if” thoughts. Bringing me to tears at the thought that my parents or my loved ones or myself can step foot out our front doors on any given day and not make it back home. All because of senseless violence.

Our country needs to change. We need to be willing to stand together rather than divided. We need to open up our minds and our ears and actually listen to the other side of the conversation. We need to take measures to stop these types of things from happening. Yes, “no one could have predicted this” but in the same sense...we really could. There’s mass shootings almost every single day in America...you may not hear about them every day but they do exist.

I don’t have the answer for how to solve this. No ONE person will have the answer. But we have to at least TRY to come up with a solution. We have to at least TRY to save more lives from being taken way too soon.

[llxbxll]

[llxbxll]

I refinished my first large piece of furniture and I'm so proud of it. It's not perfect but I learned a lot from this "first" project and I'm very happy with how it turned out. Now, on to the next one.

[llxbxll]

This place holds so many of my favorite memories.

[llxbxll]

[llxbxll]

My wildflowers are starting to grow!!

[llxbxll]

The clematis vines are beautiful this year!

[llxbxll]

The first selfie of 2017.

[llxbxll]

After four years in school, I finally took part in this semesters art sale. I sold $50+ worth of ceramics. While I know that doesn't seem like an incredible amount of money or much of an accomplishment..it is the first time I have made money off of my art. And that feels pretty damn successful to me.

[llxbxll]

Back to documenting the days I feel good.

[llxbxll]

I had a goal for the amount of money that I wanted to save up by my birthday. I am two weeks late to the goal, but I’ve now surpassed it by an extra $400 as of right now. So I’d still call that a damn success. Life is a fucking shitshow right now, but at least I know I’ll find my way through.

[llxbxll]

I just have a feeling that 27 is going to be a really good year for me. Happy birthday to me!

[llxbxll]

Mary Miss "Field Rotation" in November 2016.