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26 Continues.....

I completely forgot we used to have this secret together were we opening express our truest emotions. Did you know that at age 25 everything shifted from the moment we blew the birthday candles and made that wish. Things changed so dramatically I still can’t believe we were able to escape that hell we had created in our waking world. We shifted our paradigm into the reality would could both be proud of. I know it wasn’t easy to leave it all behind... Well mostly all, I know it’s been harder leave some patterns, but it’s crazy how many times we went through the same lesson with different faces. We embraced the bad and right as it was about to break us we lived to see another day. It gets better we turned 26 with much more clarity. We always knew the direction in which we were headed was a means to an end and we couldn’t see the end so we swapped everything under the rug and added another date to the calendar. We have traveled and seen so much. Now we want to spend our time and money on adventures. A way to see that our reality can be whatever we say it is. We are the creator of our own reality.

P.S I am proud of you & remember to be more gentle with us.

The Tie

For as long as we have been considered a legal adult we have been tied to the restrictions due to negligence of none other than our demise. It has been the factor that drove us to “be in the moment” & just be this carefree charismatic person, but times have changed. We would never imagined that it would finally come to an end. The end is now. We now have our entire future to plan for. The future we were so scared about. The not knowing what will happened next left us with just living our lives instead of planning for our future. The scariest part now is just that; planning.. We have opened up multiple doors to where we are setting the standard of how we want to be treated and paid and get better use of our time. We have realized that the only way the rich get richer is by following a specific pattern. Year 25 was preparation, studying and reading.. Year 26 was self doubt and implementation of what we had learned and year 27 will be execution of it all. No more excuses; we finally got to jump through our biggest hurtle.

P.S I am proud of you & remember to be more gentle with us.

The disconnect between your head and your heart is so strong. Your head is ready to leave a situation it has no business being in and you heart wants to make things work because of the memories.

I will make you proud

Change is such a weird thing since it always comes when you least expect it & sometimes when you think you’re not even ready for it. I’ve experienced this type of change before but I was much younger and that version of myself wasn’t prepared to make the best out of that change. Instead of embracing it with welcomed arms I ran away from the responsibility of it all. This change is back and this time I learned from my past and know the right steps to take to be great. My arms have been ready for years to embrace it and I’ve been planning for this moment for the past years. The things I’ve only dreamt of are actually slowly unraveling. The endless nights of trying to calculate this master plan is seizing to end as a plan & become a list of accomplishments.

remanence-of-love

thoughtkick

“Trauma permanently changes us. This is the frightening truth about betrayal. You never really get over it. At best, you grieve and make some kind of peace with it. But a major life disruption leaves a new normal behind. There’s no going back to who you were before.”

— Unknown

We are all a product of our own creation. Our environment does play a role into who we become but it’s not the only factor. We do need to stop making excuses for our own lives... We can develop the patterns in which we wish to aspire. We can set boundaries and rules for ourself. Setting intentions for your day is everything. It helps set goals and crossing those gold at the end of the day leaves you feeling at ease.

I’m proud of myself...For opening up, & giving it 100% me. No bullshit games no plan B as an option. A real monogamist relationship. My younger version would be proud of who I became.

The way I love is so uncomfortable to my being because when I love you I give you EVERYTHING. When I love you I wholeheartedly TRUST you with my life. It’s crazy how you can share your insecurities with someone & verbalize your patterns & trauma and they still hurt you within what you communicated. When all is said and done there’s nothing left but the pictures and memories. Everything good must come to and end.

2 am the perfect time for the monsters that have been hiding in the dark to come back and want to play. It’s interesting how we have a wake life and a sleep life. During our wake life we feel as though we have full control of our destiny and are overall just that in full control. During our sleep life there is no control. We dive into this world where nothing from our day life makes sense. It’s like living two separate lives. During my wake life I try to oblige by the rules in order to get to where I want to be at and obtain these goals I set for myself. During my sleep life my younger self who’s still going through the motion of unlearning her generational patters stays. I try to think I’ve taken the past couple of years to try to work on myself. To rediscover who I was. To be a fucking better person. But what happens if the reality is I’m still my younger self with 5 years forward? What happens if everything I “thought” I worked out was just a bandage I put over my unhealed wounds? But then I look at my triggers and see how they are seized to keep me up at night. The one that is a pest is trust.... I’ve trusted the same person for the past 9 years and she’s been my bestfriend but outside of trusting her with my heart I can’t seem to allow it. I have this mindset of “everyone leaves” so if I see it coming then It hurts a little less. Or just overall trusting someone new has ALWAYS been such a big deal for me. How could I pour myself into someone who claims they know me but the only know the me that I show them. The me that cries in the dark at 2 am doesn’t get seen by anyone outside of my bestfriend. The me that’s hurts doesn’t get shown to the world to get picked at and ridiculed. The me that’s insecure doesn’t show vulnerability. Only the sane me comes out and is presented and shown off to the world after all nobody really cares about your problems.

It’s time to talk to her; the younger version of myself. As scary as it may be it’s time. Seeing you today only reminded me that I never closed that chapter. That she’s still hurt & she has questions & her feelings are valid. The fear of having her talk to me like she used too is what has stopped me from meditating & connecting with her. But seeing you today was a sign that it’s time to move on. She needs the closure not from you but from me. I need to allow her to know I’m better that I overcame this adversity just like the ones she went through.

For a moment the world stopped. A rush of old memories seeped through the cracks and my younger self wanted to come out & play but her timeline is up & reflecting as the 25 year old me hasnt been easy. It’s had its ups and downs but the craving to see the older version of myself with her crown on her head and arms open to welcome me in to show me it was all worth it is what I’m looking forward too.

Dating him is like looking at my own reflection

Karma how funny you play your role

It’s crazy how triggered I can be...

I still dream of you and feel the pain I caused in you. Last night I dreamt of you coming over trying to fix things & crying on my shoulder telling me you wanted to fix things & telling me you never stopped loving me and that young 17 year old girl heart couldn’t stop beating because that’s what I waited to hear from you for years yet it’s about to be 6 years later & these words haven’t came out of your mouth & I still have the same tears falling down my face because I know you moved on so I forced myself to move quickly & bury those feelings so deep that it would take a hurricane within me to stir them back to the surface. How stupid of me.. how naive of me to still remember our love

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