in the fade

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I've been trying to get back into this site, but I'm finding it hard. I was hoping to come back and find it hadn't changed much, that my pals were still posting about their lives and their favorite music. But that's really not what tumblr is anymore. And I shouldn't have expected it to be.

Time moves on, and so do websites and so do people. Maybe I'm just getting too old for this shit.

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family

giving thanks for my family from childhood to now

I wrote about my family today, and family in a general sense.

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When Julian says "I wish it was Christmas today" I really feel that.

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She's in squirrel observation mode.

Something I did right after Todd walked out on me was get back into weed. My daughter kind of pushed me on it, she thought it would be good for me and she was right. It eases my anxiety, glosses over my sadness, and helps regulate my emotions. Also, I just really like being high. It's made getting through the past year plus so much easier and gentler. I'm more apt to be kind to myself when I'm high, when the voices in my head are quieted.

This has nothing to do with my dog, that picture is just gratuitous.

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I like getting up early enough to see the sunrise. I like to get as much daylight as I can this time of year.

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I don't expect tumblr to be a twitter alternative. There's nothing like twitter and we won't see anything quite like it again.

I'm back here because I have friends here and I like to see what they have to say, what they're listening to, what they're up to. I like their pretty pictures and silly jokes. It's much more passive here than it is on twitter; I just scroll and like and read in a very pleasant way. I don't interact the way I do on twitter. I just enjoy.

I guess if twitter dies this will fill the gap of knowing how my friends are doing. It won't replace the banter of twitter, the way I feel like I'm socializing when I'm there, but it will be a nice way to keep up, and to share my thoughts and music I'm into.

I've seen a lot of posts from people being mad that twitter refugees are swarming into tumblr and I don't know why you wouldn't welcome more people into the fold, especially people who are coming back after being away for a while. You don't have to follow them! You can just have your curated tumblr dashboard show you only people who are in your immediate circle, but where's the fun in that?

Anyhow, I don't know how much I'll post here but I do enjoy reading my dashboard, and it's good to see old friends popping up. I've missed you. No, this is not twitter. But I don't need it to be.

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sometimes you just need a french onion soup at the diner to get you back into the groove

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Sometimes I get jealous of people leading happy coupled lives and I get jealous enough where I skip over their Facebook and instagram posts because they just make me sad and lonely for what I used to have.

Most of the time I realize that I don't need a partner to have a good life. But I do miss having someone to go out with. I miss snuggling and watching a movie. I miss holding hands, feeling that connection with someone.

I could go on a dating site and try to find someone who is looking for companionship, but I also know that I do not ever want to get married or live with someone again. I am enjoying my space and my alone time too much. It would be unfair to start dating someone with the expectation that we could never take it to the next logical step because I am no longer into that. I want what I had taken away from me, I don't want something new.

So I'll just go on enjoying my time and space while at the same time being jealous of people with these perfect couple lives. This is great for my mental health.

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This is the first time in my history of voting that I got a sticker.

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a twitter eulogy

the site's not dead yet, but it is lingering on a hospital bed

I wrote a little eulogy for twitter, while it is still alive to hear it.

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Woke up at 3am from terrible nightmares and figured I would stay up to catch a glimpse of the eclipse. Sure, I could have set up my tripod and taken out the real camera, but I didn't so you'll have to settle for this. It was a very cool thing to see.

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4:30, 5:30

I will never get used to the to the point that it doesn't bother me. It's sad and depressing and it means winter has already reached out to us. It's a long slog from here until spring and most of it is shrouded in season depression. It's 6:30 and I am ready for bed.

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We went to an Asian lantern show at the zoo last night, and I had a blast shooting it. I have so much to learn with this camera, I haven't got the settings quite right yet, but it feels so good to be behind the camera again.

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This is my dog nephew Duke. I'm in Rhode Island for the weekend visiting my sister and spending a lot of time with this guy. He's a good subject for my new camera.

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The new camera and all the accessories came today and holy shit do I have a lot to re-learn. I feel like I forgot more than I ever knew. But I did manage to get an inaugural picture in and of course it's my dog.

Can't wait to play around with the camera when I go to Rhode Island this weekend.

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Happy early birthday to me. After a year and a half of being depressed and sad and not doing anything to make it better, I decided what I needed was to get back into my old hobby of photography. I remembered how much pleasure and happiness I got from this hobby and it's just the thing to get me off the couch and outside.

I figured starting new with fresh equipment is a way to do a refresh on this hobby. It took me hours of staring at the page before I hit the purchase button. I went back and forth on it for a while. Then I remembered that I'm worth it, that it's ok to treat yourself well once in a while.

Can't wait to get out there taking pictures again.

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Ren got a haircut today. Much needed and she looks so floofy now. While we were at the vet, I got some meds for her for the 4th of July. I just can't do another year of her being traumatized by fireworks. I hope this helps.