[locus-tenebris]

Every one worships an idea. We all have a weak spot and would give up anything as a sacrafice to our god.

[locus-tenebris]

We become adults after the 27 year. When we pass the Saturn return we evolve. Saturn itself is the teacher, the father - faith if you will. It breaks cycles and pushes you.

[locus-tenebris]

Fun observation: put 15 strangers in a room with no chairs and make them wait - they will occupy a space around the walls. Nobody will stand in the middle because they will feel too exposed. Maybe it’s a natural instinct of security. Because when at least one side is safe - the wall - it’s still better than being surrounded from all sides by enemies

[locus-tenebris]

I find myself thinking: there is a constant urge to fill the emptiness, to fill the silence, to fill the mind. There are only a few moments when people are literally forced to just listen to life passing by and even then they desperately try to fill it- with social media, with thoughts, planning something basically anything that takes them away. Me for example, I’m here writing. I couldn’t have peacefully sat on a bench for 20min and done nothing. It like emptiness is awkward or more like the existence of it is awkward. There is this popularized way of thinking that everyone is having an eventful life. Even more. Everyone is having a more eventful life than you particularly. That thought by itself build some sort of anxiety because somehow you don’t fit in or maybe you don’t do enough. In reality everyone is focused on their well-being which obviously includes family, friends, lovers, cowerkers - all type of relationships. So building on that when you stay in that unplanned moment of stillness it feels like you lack the people skills to have company. When actually you might purposely be alone and if not what is so wrong in enjoying your own company. But if you leave a person without a phone, in a room with let’s say books and paper, they will have the urge to escape, most feel overwhelmed by their own existence let alone their thoughts and emotions. This results later in their relationships and life because they have this never ending hole to fill, this life to constantly fill with people and events because everything uneventful is scary and indicator that something is wrong.

[locus-tenebris]

There is something about creating a pink version of your subject of affection that just not only fucks up your rational thinking but also sabotages you. I’m not completely stuck to Freud’s idea that love is a resource we can easily devour. I do however agree that by putting someone before us we don’t love ourselves and are therefore mostly sabotaging our own life. The cure for this is to spend a lot of time with people so your pink illusion is crushed by the harsh reality. After doing this a couple of times you will stop seeing people as what they could be and stick to what they actually are. It’s great to see the potential, but never forget that it’s out of your control what the person foes with it, therefore to avoid future disappointments - make sure you already like the person that you’ve met and would like to see what they become. This is the honesty we need in love, the rest is superficial and blank, a need to fill a void or to convince someone of something because you decided.