Valentine’s Day. Today marks the 1,831 days I’ve been with my significant other. And today also marks another memory I did not plan. No, I didn’t get engaged. No, he didn’t make me an incredible candle light dinner. No, he didn’t take me to the most romantic scenery I have ever seen in my life (because he’ll probably have to take me out of the country). Today marks the first Valentine’s Day I will spend separated from him. He’s at school which is about 4 hours away and he came to see me last week for our 5 year anniversary. He didn’t want to come back for Valentine’s Day and he said we can celebrate our love any other day.
…
Is it just me or does this sound like us 10 years from now?
He says he still cares about me and loves me with all his heart but he no longer shows me the desire he describes. I’m watching all over Facebook where my friends and family are having another romantic date. A romantic plan. Another romantic moment. I’m disheartened when coworkers or friends ask me, “what are you and your boyfriend doing this weekend?” The crazy thing is that they’re not even in shock at my reply. They simply ask, “how long have you been together?” At my response, they follow with “Yea, it’s about that time.”
I’m mortified that my love story has been watered-down, devalued and, in my perspective, that-time-of-the-relationship.
I have coworkers who went on a romantic vacation with their husbands of 15+ years. I have friends who post pictures of gifts or dates of 5+ years. And here I am, alone in my bedroom on this day for the first time in 5 years with my significant other. He didn’t see the need to even send me flowers on this day, let alone a card or any reminders. I am sitting on the other phone line with him and he hasn’t even said “Happy Valentine’s Day” yet. I feel this crushing weight of disappointment piling on top of me. Every moment is another stack of mixed emotions to add on.
I know what you’re thinking. “You shouldn’t compare him to others.” Am I comparing or being reminded? I’m including what he’s done for me the years before. “Well he came last week.” And this weekend can’t be important for us, too? “He’s a guy. He needs to be told what to do.” I’m a woman and my heart aches for romance without thinking I had to tell him, especially on Valentine’s Day!
I thought that it shouldn’t be so hard. I have to be understanding and I love him enough to not bring it up. But I can’t help but think, what about him? Has he not thought of me and what I am going through? As the junk food finds their way to my fingers, his only reply is, “just stay off Facebook for the weekend then you won’t feel bad.” Ugh, let me add some alcohol. Actually, you can pour the drink for me.
There was a moment after I went off on him he apologized and said he felt bad. But I started to feel bad for making him feel bad! So I brushed it off and said accepted his apology. But now, I’m feeling the depth of loneliness slowly creaking at my doorstep and seeping through the cracks. Oh Lord, please help me. Who said Valentine's Day is for all couple? Obviously, not here.
If I survive this weekend,
A hopeless romantic
