in my head

[logiyande]

{ ayo edebiri, 21, cis woman, she/her } Is that LOGAN IYANDE? A SOPHOMORE originally from SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, they decided to come to Ogden College to study GRAPHIC DESIGN  on a ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIP. They’re THE WALLFLOWER  on campus, but even they could get blamed for Greer’s disappearance.

pinterest/spotify

yearning, dreaming, resting her head against the car door and closing her eyes, imagining a world where she is a different person, where people look up when she enters a room and stop talking when she starts to speak. suburbs, doldrums, everything that will happen to her has already happened before. the glow of a computer screen in the middle of the night, an aching familiarity with the four walls of her bedroom. the urge to think that no one understands her when fearing maybe there isn’t that much to understand. speaking a language that is so entrenched in decades of internet debris that she doesn’t know if people know how to translate. wondering if she is more interesting behind a keyboard than she is in person. sketchbooks filled with art no one would ask to see. wasting her youth, wasting her breath, wasting her time. 

BASICS:

full name: logan iyande

age: 21

date of birth: march 18

zodiac sign: pisces sun, cancer moon, virgo rising

hometown: sacramento, CA

gender: cis female

sexuality: lesbian

ethnicity: african american

languages spoken: english

PERSONALITY:

positive qualities: kind, curious, intelligent

negative qualities: geeky, introverted, naive

skills: encyclopedic knowledge on niche topics, quick reflexes, and deviantart fame for drawing niche cartoon characters in 2011

character parallels: Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place), Sam Weir (Freaks and Geeks), Willow Rosenberg (BTVS), Will Byers (Stranger Things), Lexi Howard (Euphoria), Haruhi Fujioka (OHSHC)

relationship to greer: if you looked on logan’s instagram history, you would almost always see @greer in her recently viewed. it’s not that she was obsessed with greer- she hardly knew her, had shared a class with her freshman year, and that was all. but greer represented everything she wasn’t, and she watched her with a keen eye more suited to an anthropologist studying another culture than a classmate watching another. 

school activities: running team, school paper

style: grandpacore- big thrifted sweaters, baggy jeans, trousers, loafers

the wallflower: people did not notice logan at a party, and that’s just fine with her. frankly, she didn’t want to be at the party anyways, would rather be in her dorm room curled up with a weighty book or tending to her farm in stardew valley. she felt stupid and exposed on the nights she dragged herself to a party she’d only been invited to as an afterthought, so she only did it rarely, when the little voice inside her head told her she was wasting her twenties under the covers. she made a fool of herself anyways- she didn’t get the sarcasm, wasn’t interested in the drugs, didn’t know the music that was being played or the tv shows that were being discussed. no, she was sure everyone laughed about her when she left. the more cutting truth, that no one was talking about her at all, would actually be a comfort. 

wanted connections (under construction)

woman for her to have a heartbreaking unrequited crush on (maybe she's straight in a Wish You Were Gay (by claud not billie eilish) type way? or maybe they'll just never see logan that way a la Christine by lucy dacus)

outgoing friend for her to follow around like a puppy

friends to lovers yearning kind of thing (she IS a yearner in all ways and forms)

toxic ex/situationship that she’s still a little in love with (ok i kind of have this one in my head i think she felt like they were embarrassed by her or talked down to her regardless of whether or not that was the truth)

go with me here some kind of cinderella story friendship?? like they’re friends through the internet but don’t know who the other person is irl

other headcanons

was a big tumblr artist a few years back for mid-2000s cartoons (like u know the vibe. avatar, teen titans, ect)- made the jump to twitter and still has a largeish following but not nearly as big as the early 2010s

maybe a little too into lord of the rings

had a big anime phase in middle school but has (mostly) grown out of it

listens to a lot of indie sad girl music (lizzy mcalpine, lucy dacus, ect) but has a soft spot for old school country

has a very large vinyl collection

i don't feel like writing out her family stuff but she actually has a really great relationship with her parents especially her mother

has been in dozens of car accidents but only by hitting parked cars when trying to park

will read literally anything- she's gone through the entire ice planet barbarians series in the last month

really loves horror movies but hates jumpscares so she looks them up on imdb before

[jacqui-velazquez]

Jacqui made a small noise of sympathy as Logan started coughing, some mumble of words lost in the fit increasing in severity, reaching out to lightly pat her back - as if that would help with anything. "Careful," they said with a laugh. They turned, their chin tucked towards their shoulder so they could speak so only Logan could hear them - they didn't want to insult anyone, but personally, they were used to much higher quality weed. Needless to say, Logan hadn't been the only one coughing. "Between you and me, this is some bammer shit, so maybe stick with smaller hits."

[logiyande]

the more she coughed, the more embarrassed she became, and the more embarrassed she became, the harder it was to breathe, and therefore, the more she coughed. sometimes it felt like god was conspiring against her. "yeah. for sure," she wheezed, giving jacqui a grateful smile as she passed the joint as quickly as she could. this was fun? "i just didn't..." and she forgot what she was going to say halfway through her sentence, which was strangely, the funniest thing she'd ever thought, and giggles bubbled up in her like an overflowing faucet, leaking out before she could stop. "sorry," she apologized for no coherent reason, which was even funnier, and more giggles escaped. "i think i'm maybe high?"

[ollieinoue]

"Straight edge," Ollie said, nodding his head, "that's fine for sure. You can oversee and make sure everything I do actually makes sense." He lead the way through the house towards where everyone had started stashing their coats and boots. "I don't know how people live in places so big. I feel like … what's the point?" Even the concept of houses was at times odd to Ollie. He liked the feeling of living somewhere small. It felt cozy, and safe -- cat behavior, honestly. Less things to dust and clean, but of course places like this had people who cleaned it for the people who lived here. "What kinda place do you live in?" He asked, pulling on his coat, before opening the door for Logan and following her outside to assess the area for their snow fort.

[logiyande]

"cool. i always just get cold when i do that, so probably not the best idea to do it in the winter," logan lied unconvincingly, as if ollie might actually believe she had any experience with unprescribed stimulants. "i think i'd get lost. and also, like, what if someone broke in and is secretly living in your house? it would take you so long to know." she second-guessed whether normal people shared that fear. "i live in a normal house. not ogden normal, normal normal." but logan loved their little split level, even though she had to share a bathroom with their parents and the kitchen had white appliances. "we have a lemon tree in the front yard. what about your family?"

[freddiekolbeck]

“you guess?” he grimaces at that. that sounded like she didn’t want him to meet them at all, and he was pretty sure this wasn’t one of those moments where he was being self-absorbed, and she wasn’t sparing a single thought into it at all. the strain across his features only deepens, as she adds the cherry on the cake. “what does that even mean?” so they don’t like him? lips part to speak, and then he closes them again as he shifts around on his feet. “what’s going on? are you embarrassed of me or something? loads of people do like me, you know.”

[logiyande]

"i mean, they're just parents," logan repeated. it wasn't exactly that she was embarrassed of them; in fact, she'd take her parents over most of the others she'd met tonight. but when everyone else's dad was a CEO of some fancy company or a television celebrity or the king of a small island nation, she suddenly felt very small. "they're just not that exciting. unless you're really interested in the local parking policy drama or the pictures my dad takes of ducks crossing the street." yes, this might all work better if she kept her home life and her ogden life as separate as possible. "nothing to do with you! my family just kinda has a different... thing going on."

[rhia-falla]

She let out a satisfied humph, ever pleased with the other's casual reassurance. The older woman seemed like a kind person, as Rhia felt enveloped in her matronly caretaking. Her mother was more likely to sneer at the fashion mishap rather than lend a hand. Perhaps Rhia would have been a stronger person if she had a mother like this woman. The name didn't ring a bell, but Rhia was as eager as ever for more gossip on this person. "She must be smart," she observed, not knowing many people in the design program. Rhia took Anissa's hand gently, smiling pleasantly. "Call me Rhia. I'm a junior, music student."

[logiyande]

anissa glowed with pride, more comfortable talking up logan behind her back than to her face. that was her father's job. "she's very smart. she's here on scholarship," she bragged, unaware that was somewhat of a faux pas at ogden. "rhia! what a pretty name." not like the ridiculous names she'd heard earlier tonight - too many the fourths and chauncys and other ancient grandfather names. "music? what instrument do you play?"

[ollieinoue]

Sometime during the first week of break [ @logiyande ]

"Oh my god, Logan," Ollie put a hand on her arm as he passed her in the hallway. "This place is insane, right? I'm trying to find secret passageways but I haven't found any yet. I'll keep you updated, though." It seemed like that could be important to know for when shit, inevitably, went down. "Do you want to go get like your coat and stuff and come with me outside? I'm going to pop a bunch of addie and then dig a snow fort into the pool that's in the backyard. It's going to be sooo much fun!" He'd gotten the idea last year when him and Monty had been looking for a house to stash their drugs. It had stuck with him ever sense, and now here he was. With an opportunity to do it? No way he was going to pass this up.

[logiyande]

"insane is the perfect word." this whole trip was insane. logan had never been party to such extravagance, and she was waiting to be told any minute that she actually had been invited by mistake. it was sixth grade slumber parties all over again, showing up for the birthday party just to get strange looks (wow, she actually showed up? my mom made me invite her). "uh-" the only addy she knew was the american girl doll. "do i also have to pop addies?" the words sounded foreign coming out of her mouth. "i do my best architectural work sober."

[n8-shaw]

They didn't.

Nate had no urge to actually inform the man of the truthful response that immediately ran across the front of his mind. But he couldn't help but get a vague sense of amusement if he did. If he just informed this father who presumably actually liked his child (he was there, after all), that his parents had barely been around, and definitely not cooking for him when they had been? That he had returned home from school only to find the cupboards and his mother having disappeared, no note or money let behind for the high schoolers she didn't see as her primary responsibility multiple times? That there were periods of time that the only way he got multiple meals per day was by relying on the charity of friends or fighting someone for their lunch at school or his own skill with shoplifting when he got really desperate?

At least he didn't actually have to answer, Logan chiming in with something that was very much true - Nate, at least, had no idea who the fuck popeye was, nor what that even had to do with the conversation. He blinked back and forth between her and her father, confusion appearing on his face for a moment. Logan was shutting him down, insulting him in a way, and yet...with no animosity? Was that even possible? Vaguely fascinated by the dynamic, and not all that eager to go speak to anyone else, Nate gave Logan's father a bit of a nod since Logan had introduced him, grabbing the drink that the bartender had also put in front of him. "Think it was probably just genetics," he said with a shrug, hoping that would be enough to end that conversation.

[logiyande]

logan noticed a quick missed beat, a slight indication that something wasn't quite right, and her cheeks grew hot with embarrassment that she'd subjected nate to her dorky dad. she'd have to apologize later if she was going to save any face. "yeah dad. other people got height from their parents, and all you gave me was bad teeth," she joked to break the tension.

"and i also gave you braces. so you're welcome for that," jarrod sniped back. they had always been two peas in a pod - sometimes logan felt like there was no one on earth who understood her as much as her father did. "are your parents around tonight, nate? should i be looking for giants?"

[montyrichler]

Does anyone even care? Monty wondered, doing the same as Anissa and letting his gaze stray, looking around the room only to find a sea of nonplussed faces staring back at him. Nothing about tonight was right in the least. "My mom tried to transfer me out," he offered, blinking back to Logan and shrugging after a brief pause, "but… I'm on scholarship." So it wouldn't've really hit Ogden where it hurt -- the wallet. Dean Zuko probably would've been happy to see him go, even. "What would you do if you left?" Monty asked Logan, suddenly curious. "Did you have a backup school when applying here?"

[logiyande]

logan had applied to schools up and down the east coast, desperate to get as far away from home as she could, inspired by coming-of-age movies and country music songs about leaving home. of course, she regretted it during her first east coast winter. "yeah. ogden was actually my second choice. i almost went to bryn mawr."

"absolutely not," anissa interjected. "sixty thousand dollars a year and fifteen hundred students? your high school was bigger and that was free."

"and that's why i didn't go," logan spread her hands in explanation. "i'm on scholarship too, so. that was that. do you feel like you have a shitty dorm room?" she leaned in - she couldn't remember the last time she'd talked to another scholarship student. it seemed to be somewhat of a taboo to mention. "mine sucks and i have a conspiracy theory it's because we cost ogden too much money and they're trying to bully us out."

[magnolia-rhodes]

with: @logiyande when: december 13th, evening where: linden common room

Lola was perched on the common room sofa, legs tucked underneath her, book open on her lap. The book was there primarily to serve as a disguise - it was far more acceptable to be in the common room to read, than it was to be sitting around waiting for someone to speak to. But she needed human contact. Needed normalcy. Which is why she's so quick to slam the book shut at the sight of Logan. "You okay? How was your interview?"

[logiyande]

logan jumped at the sound of the book slamming. could anyone blame her for being on edge? "uh, bizarre?" it was nice to be asked, nice to talk about it. "i didn't have to do it when they brought everyone in the last time, so i didn't really know what to expect. but it just kinda felt like a test i didn't study for." an unending stream of questions about greer, about ida, about sam. questions she didn't know the right answers to. "how was yours?"

[freddiekolbeck]

he makes a face at logan, as if to say: am i supposed to know what that means? but her explanation answers that question for him. “i know my case is a little extreme but i’m pretty sure parents want you to go to parties. imagine finding out you raised a boring kid with no friends, that’s a real worry.” he takes a quick glance around the room to see where these worrying parents are. “can you introduce me to them? wait- do they like me?” he asks, assuming logan has gushed to them about their newly formed friendship.

[logiyande]

"my parents have believed that for two decades, and they're doing fine." although logan's parents had, in fact, raised a boring kid with no friends, so perhaps they were simply coping with reality. "i mean, i guess," logan furrowed her brow. "if you want. they're literally just parents though." she wracked her brain to remember if she'd ever mentioned freddie on the phone to her parents. she couldn't have - she didn't have any parent-proofed stories about him. "i don't know if they have any strong feelings about you at all." that sounded kinder than saying they wouldn't know his name.

[nataliavega]

"At least they're reading, right?" Nat asked, her laugh a little stilted. "I think I read something recently that said, like, thirty-three percent of high school graduates never read another book after graduation. Now that is the real tragedy."

She probably should have anticipated the question that came next, but she hadn't expected to talk about her current reads tonight. And while she was not enjoying the current series, she was already invested and trucking her way through. An English teacher concerned about her students' reading levels probably wouldn't be impressed by a book about a girl getting railed by five dudes in very descriptive scenes but. Hey, she'd asked. And maybe Nat was just tipsy enough to find it more funny than horrifying. "Oh, I'm reading this series called The Bonds That Tie? It's actually really bad plot wise, but I'm like two and a half books deep in the series so I feel like I have to finish it at this point. It's RH. Not my usual flavor, but you know, sometimes a girl wants options."

[logiyande]

"oh, isn't it just the worst when you feel like you're already invested but you're miserable? i had a college professor who loved balzac, and i wasted a solid two months on lost illusions, which was so miserable but i just couldn't cut my losses," anissa rolled her eyes. "i can't say i'm familiar with RH - is that romanticism?"

"don't worry about it, mom," logan interjected quickly, shooting nat a co-conspiratorial look. "it's.... a tiktok thing."

logan knew she'd struck a chord. "i hate tiktok," she complained. "i have students saying 'unalive' in papers, i mean, what is this world coming to?" anissa stopped her rant, turning back to logan. "girls, is it porn? i know what porn is, logan, you can't pull one over on me."

"no, no! it's not... porn!" logan whispered like she'd get arrested for even saying it. "it's..." she turned to nat, eyes wide and beseeching.

[ollieinoue]

"It's always a pleasure to meet one of Sam's and Ollie's friends," Gabriel said, giving Logan a warm smile, apparently none the wiser to any internal struggles the other may be having.

Ollie reached across giving Logan's mom a handshake, a wide smile of his own. "It's really nice to meet you," He greeted. Though he hesitated a moment as he pulled back, glancing at Logan. He didn't … want to cause any awkwardness in the moment, so his first instinct was to just say something like 'she doesn't go here anymore'. But with Gabriel there that would also be awkward. His eyes darted from Logan, to Gabriel, to Logan's parents and gave a small 'uh…' "They might have had classes together last year," Ollie said. He didn't know. "But not this year--"

"She was arrested by the police at the end of last year," Gabriel said, never having been one to shy away from a hard truth.

"Wrongfully," Ollie added, making the elder man give him a quieting look. "It's true. They're pinning something on her that wasn't her. They're pinning multiple things on her that wasn't her!" He turned to Logan's parents, suddenly over come with the need to defend the situation to people who didn't even know Sam. "They've already scrapped like three charges! Kinda makes it seem like they don't know shit--"

"Ollie," Ren said, placing a hand on his son's shoulder and drawing him slightly back, with an apologetic look towards Logan and her family. "Sorry, it's clearly a topic we're all very passionate about. But right now we're all here to enjoy our time together as a family, because it's become clear you never know when that might change. Life is unpredictable. -- Y'know I could go for some apple cider. Do you think they have some here?"

[logiyande]

"oh dear," anissa put her hand to her mouth. "i'm so sorry. of course. logan told me everything, i'm just horrible with names." and logan shrank again with guilt, this time because she hadn't told her mother any of this. she hadn't wanted her to worry, but also, didn't know how to rationalize what had happened in a way that would make sense to others. because it still didn't make sense to her. and for not the first time this thanksgiving, she felt blessed to have parents who would lie like this to protect her from looking bad. "you know, so could i. should we go find some?"

with anissa distracting ollie's parents, she approached him. "i'm so sorry. she must have totally spaced out. parents, you know?" she shrugged, even though it was really her fault. "it's really nice that you brought mr. jiménez. has the dean seen him yet though?"

[montyrichler]

"No, no, it's totally cool," Monty insisted, short-lived social embarrassment already overshadowed by the burn of curiosity. He twisted in his seat a little, angling towards the Iyandes while continuing, "I'd love to hear your thoughts on… well, everything." He snorted softly, feeling a little like his conspiratorial attitude could be what got him scolded next, but Monty couldn't help himself. It was refreshing to be around people -- adults -- who were actually open enough to talk about what was going on around Ogden. "Like, isn't kind of messed up that we're all here? In the Commons?" He raised his fork and swirled it around, pointing to the newly constructed and renovated ceiling above their heads. "Seems like some serious overcompensation to me." He was almost surprised that they hadn't unveiled a tacky plaque dedicating the building to Ida's memory right before serving dinner.

[logiyande]

"see. someone is interested in what i have to say," anissa cut her eyes towards her husband and daughter, both of whom looked like they'd heard this rant before. "i was only going to say i find this all a little glib. you kids have been through so much this year. you'd think there'd be a little more sense of occasion." she surveyed the room full of networking consultants and lawyers and accountants, the housewives with their sauvignon blanc, the tuxedoed cater waiters passing hors d'oeuvres. "you wouldn't even guess someone died here. it's not right," anissa punctuated with a declarative point of her own fork right back at monty.

"i think they're worried we all want to go home and get tuition refunds," logan shrugged. "i've thought about it."

[n8-shaw]

A crease appeared on his forehead as Nate drew his eyebrows together, just giving Logan a brief nod. An egot? He had no fucking clue what that was. But sure. At least they had the super easy interest of hot girls in common though, a crooked smile twisting up one side of his mouth. "Nothing wrong with that," he said wryly, the slightest lift of his glass in Logan's direction accompanying the statement. He certainly didn't mind being bossed around by a pretty girl from time to time (read: always). "At least that means you have a guaranteed in though, right?" he pointed out after a second, taking a long sip from his drink as he raised an eyebrow at Logan.

[logiyande]

that made logan actually laugh, a real laugh from her gut instead of the fake laugh she'd learned to parrot from other girls to keep conversations going. "i've never had a guaranteed in in my life. i need to get invited to my own birthday parties." she didn't sound defeatist - on the contrary, she was rather chipper. logan preferred to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised by anything but.

"i'm sure this is like, a foreign concept to you because you look like a danielle steel cover, but pretty much this whole school is out of my league." of course, she had actually already hooked up with jacqui, but she was pretty confident that was some weird fluke. "i dunno. it's dumb. but i'm pretty sure i'm not even supposed to be here." here as in this party, here as in anywhere but her bed after midnight, here as in ogden. "i'm not pushing my luck, y'know?"

[nataliavega]

Nat was not going to admit that she was maybe lightly regretting her bold outfit choice, but... maybe she was regretting it a little bit. She hadn't really considered the optics of meeting parents in a tiny little slip of a thing that threatened to expose her butt cheeks anytime she took in a deep breath, but hey. She was here now and she was going to own it.

She turned at the sound of her name, hands tugging subtly at the hem of her dress as her eyes settled first on Logan and then slid to her parents. They flicked back to Logan as her mom closed in for a hug that she returned immediately. But Nat had come prepared to act tonight, so none of the awkwardness she felt could be seen on her face as she smiled wide because she and Logan were friends, sure. But they weren't friends. And she was suddenly feeling a little guilty about that. "It's so nice to meet you too!" she gushed. "Oh, god, I actually don't remember. I'm sure it was because of books, though. We trade recommendations all the time." A stretch of the truth, but not a lie. "And movies!" she added quickly, remembering the last conversation they'd had at the library. That one was kind of a lie, but it was a lie for the greater good, so that made it okay. Right?

[logiyande]

anissa was too focused on nat to read her daughter, but logan was embarrassed - it was becoming her natural state of being. it was humiliating how clear it was on her mother's face that she was elated to get confirmation logan wasn't sitting alone in her room every day. and she only felt a little twinge of guilt that she was shoving every loose acquaintance into her mother's face to obscure that yes, she was indeed sitting along in her room every day. or at least most days.

"oh, that makes me so happy. the literacy crisis in this country is astounding. you know, i get ninth graders in the classroom who are reading at third grade levels," anissa began a rant clearly familiar to logan and jarrod, who audibly exhaled, before stopping herself. "but that's beside the point. what kinds of things are you girls reading these days? a teacher's got to stay hip."

"sweetheart, i think saying hip is no longer hip," jarrod interjected.

[jacqui-velazquez]

With a lift of a hand that waved delicately in the air, Jacqui brushed that concern away, the slightest scoff of a laugh accompanying the movement. "Please. No such thing," they said, clucking their tongue at Logan before patting the railing next to her, turning around to face the handful of other people she was smoking with. "Come on!" they called over their shoulder, not giving Logan another chance to deny joining them. But really - what was weed for if not sharing? Mooching was totally a foreign concept to them, so they thought nothing of brushing that off.

[logiyande]

logan did not have a poker face. she was a horrible liar, completely transparent whenever someone bothered to look, and she'd never learned to control her face. so she was sure her eyes were as wide as the moon as that familiar wave of panic mounted. mutely, she followed behind jacqui, settling down on the railing next to them. "ahahahaha cool!" holy shit, she sounded deranged. she watched the others in the circle inhale like she was studying for an exam. she'd never even smoked a cigarette.

as the joint was passed into her hand, logan inhaled, held, and exhaled the way she'd seen the others do. a hit of euphoria - probably not the drugs, but the satisfaction of getting away with it - until she began to cough into her elbow, coughing like she's never coughed before, jesus christ. "shit. sorry." but speaking just made her hack more.

[montyrichler]

Monty didn't have much of an appetite. He'd never really cared for turkey, and in a rude twist of fate, he was actually missing his mom's holiday casseroles. The potatoes, however, were the one highlight of the meal, and he wasn't at all surprised when someone was reaching for them. "Go for it," he welcomed, abruptly straightening in his seat and briefly leaning back to allow her space. "I don't think you could throw a rock in here without hitting someone who's doing keto or paleo or whatever the fu - uuuh - hell -- heck!" Monty stuttered through a verbal rolodex of curses, smile sheepish when he glanced over at Logan. "Whatever fad diet that's big right now." He shrugged a little, tagging on, "My mom probably put all the rolls in her purse already, so you can blame her if you didn't get any bread."

[logiyande]

the teachers' brow that came standard issue with a masters in education was on full display as monty stumbled through his profanity, finally retreating as she nodded, satisfied with his substitution. "there are millions of words in the english language. a well-educated man should be able to express himself without the four-letter ones." and jesus, for the cost of tuition at ogden, she would expect her daughter and her classmates to come out with $200,000 vocabularies. "who could blame her? they're pulling out all the stops to try and distract you kids."

"mom," logan interjected immediately. "stop. don't kill the mood."

"who's killing the mood?" anissa rolled her eyes. "i'm just acknowledging the obvious, logie."