On Halloween of 1981 where James Potter dies and wakes up in an empty void and is forced relives his most important memories of life, most he welcomes with open arms until he gets to the last and remembers why it was buried 500 miles in the back of his head.
Warnings: heavy angst (at least I think so), death, grief, betrayal, minor war themes, substance abuse (like one single sentence), violence (non graphic), child birth, foul language, slight fluff, minor mention of self harm, and kissing. Let me know if I missed anything!
A/N: hello my lovelyās! Happy James Potter day, I was originally going to post a very smut heavy one shot but then I got this idea and it legit took over my head lmaooo, butI hope you guys enjoy because I actually really enjoyed writing this and shed some tears about it. I based it off that one song ā500 milesā by Peter, Paul and Mary, you guys should definitely listen because itās so good! Anyways enjoy and take a shot every time I write ārememberāā¦.
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No one knows what happens when you die. some believe in hell or heaven, some believe in reincarnation, others believe in eternal darkness. But james knows. James *knows*
On the evening of halloween 1981 James died. He died protecting his love Lily and his perfect boy. James was foolish, a foolish man running on adrenaline and love thinking he can take Voldemort without his wand.
All james remembers is telling Lily to go and take their son and hide. He also remembers the door of his home opening. He remember looking at Voldermort, he remembers seeing his own bestfriend behind him. He remembers the cold white fear the rushed through him. He remember the feeling of salty tears that pooled in his eyes. He remembers patting his pockets to find nothing, nothing but his bare hands. but most importantly he remembers the green flash.
He feels the fall, the crash of his lifeless body against the stairs.
Then itās black. and James is in a void of darkness. The floor is wet Ike there is water underneath him but other than that itās pitch black. But something catches his eyes, there are four doors infront of him. James is scared, heās so fucking scared. He wants his wife. He wants his boy, he wants moony, he wants padfoot, he wants wormtai- no. no. no.
All along it was Pete. Peter Fucking Pettigrew. The same Peter who he had lived next door to his whloe life. The same Peter who was Jamesā first bestfriend, the same Peter who he shared a dorm with for 7 years, the same Peter who convinced James and everyone that moony was secretly the spyāIt wasnāt moony, it never was. It was just a fucking ploy because it was always Peter. Peter who was scared of war. Peter who never wanted to hold Harry or cried when James told him he loved him. Merlinā¦ How can he be so fucking dense.
Itās all too much. Too fucking much. James cried. oh he cried like he never had before, everything was hitting like a fucking train in one go. He choke down on his sobs begging to be let back into the world. Maybe if he wasnāt such an arse this wouldnāt have happened. Heād still be celebrating with his beautiful wife and son. James felt like his whole word had crumbled, he crouched, begged, and apologized for what felt like an eternity, but when nothing had changed all he had to look at were those four fucking doors.
And with that he stands. He stands shakily and wipes his wet face and walks to the first one, as he gets closer it looks familiarly like his childhood home, the red door with the golden handle and the plaque that read āpotter cottageā and James knew where he was.
When he finally opened the door he saw a five year old James crying, pieces of a broken vase around him. James remembered this, he remembers he had been playing on his new broom his father had just gotten him and the first thing James did was crash into a family heirloom, he remembers the crash of the vase hitting his wooden floors, he remembers the tears, and most importantly the shame a guilt. Of course with his motherās motherly instincts she heard the glass and rushed in.
James felt off. This was an out of body experience, he was quite literally watching his memories as a dead person. It was like he like he was there againāall the smells and textures were just how he remembered.
As he stepped closer he can feel and hear the memory more and more. He watched as little James sniffled and wiped his face in a way only a little kid could. When his mom finally arrived crouching in front of him, his younger self spoke.
āMummy Iām sorry! I-I promise I didnāt mean to do it I swear! I swear! I lost control and I-I got too excited and let go, I understand if you and daddy hate me and spend me to Azkaban where the bad people go and-ā
His own mother had laughed.
James could still feel the mortification of watching his mother laugh at his tears, when she finally caught herself she pulled off Jamesā tiny frames and wiped his tears, speaking in a soft tone.
āOh my love..ā she chucked softly, her warm skin crinkling around her eyes as she took Jamesā face in her hands. āThere is nothing on this planet that can make me not love you, or hate you. Do you know why my love?ā
She paused and little James shook his head.
āIt is because you are my flesh and my blood. You are my world my love.ā She spoke evenly as she pulled James into a warm hug.
Thatās when James felt it again, the tears falling down his face like nothing, oh but the smile on his face was everything.
He hoped wherever he ended up he could say hi.
Then he blinked and it was black again. But when he looked at the doors one was missing.
James walked up to the next one and as he got closer he smiled. The writing on the door had been made when he was 13, big red letters spelling out āMARAUDERS ONLY! KEEP OUT!ā
When James finally opened the door the smell of fire whiskey and burnt hash hit him like an instant, how they didnāt get caught from the smell amazes him. When he finally blinked through the haze of smoke he took in the sight before him. Sirius and James on the floor passing a spliff back and forth while Remus changed the vinyl and Peter- actually, James would rather not think of Peter or look at him. But James surprisingly remembers this day being stoned out of his mind with his friends their fifth year.
āHow the fuck did you get this hash moons? They donāt just sell this at your local corner shopā Sirius spoke up with a low chuckle that followed with a cough, his body weight resting on his propped up elbows. James laid next him smiling and blinking up at the ceiling before looking at Remus.
āYou lot are gonna get us killed! What if fenwick smells and bust us? What next?!ā Peter squeaked, snapping James eyes away from his three lovely friends. When James looked at him, oh. Oh the rage he felt in his bones was immense, how dare he just sit there, how dare he be able to get away with murdering him. How dare-
āWormy youāre fineeee!ā Fifteen year old James slurred from the floor, cheeks flushed and eyelids heavy as he pushed himself up and stumbled over to Peter grabbing his shoulders. āI-I would never do you wrong Pete. I love you, and trust me, we-we arenāt gonna get introuble I promise you that! You-you know why?! Because we are the fucking marauders and always stick together, through thick and thin, yeah?ā
Oh if only younger James knew.
James felt as his heart was breaking again. James didnāt have enough hate in his heart to hate Peter he was just so sad. What did James do? He loved Peter as a brother, maybe not as intensely as Sirius but he loved Peter. James was angry but not more than he was sad and disappointed.
āYeah I think youāve had enough Promgs.ā Remus laughed from behind James. āMaybe we should lay you down for a little, yeah? Come help me pads, wormtail.ā James younger self smiled leaning into his friendās touch.
He watched as Sirius, Remus, and Pete all laid him down across his four poster bed, his younger self giggling and rambling about how he loved his friends and how kind they are and how he would die for them.
āYeah yeah Prongs go to bloody bed you light weight.ā Sirius chucked as he pulled the blankets over James. āDonāt forget you have quidditch practice bright and early!ā Remus snickered as him and Sirius walked away, leaving Peter standing at the bed, reaching for James frames to set the aside.
āWormtail?ā James spoke as Peter pulled the glasses off, āI love you wormyā¦ I donāt say it enough but I doā¦ā He slurred, slowly dozing off as he cuddled his pillow.
āLove you too mate.ā Peter replied shutting James curtains and then it was black again.
Just like last time one door was gone, now only two remain. But James just stood there. He wondered if Peter meant what he said. Did he really love James? Because James loves Peterāor loved? He didnāt know anymore. But he wonders if Peter always knew he was gonna betray James. He probably didnāt, realistically speaking butā¦
When James finally walks towards the door he doesnāt seem to recognize it. Itās quite tall with a large bronze knob, when he pushes it open heās inā¦ a classroom? He looks around and sees in his 7th year potions class, oh he remembers this day.
Just as he is grinning about this memory his eyes land on two people on the far right of the classroom.
āEvanās I donāt think I can do this!ā A seventeen year old James groans, folding over the wooden desk. āItās too hard, can we please stopā he pouted and jutted out his lip.
Lily laughed covering her mouth with her hands, James never understood why she did that. Lily had a beautiful smile. It reminded him of someone he tried to never think about unless heās truly in a deep dark place. āNever took you as a quitter Potter?ā She replied arching a brow.
āI will gladly be a quitter if it gets me out of this very hot stuffy room!ā He whined dragging a hand down his face.
āPotter I promise you itās not that hard, you just need to stir it a little longer.ā She said scoffing and rolling her eyes at his incredibly dramatic behavior.
āBut-ā James started before Lily flicked his forehead, āOw! what was that for?ā He said rubbing between his eyebrows.
āFor all your bloody whining, youāre not a first year James so donāt act like one. Now up, just stir it like three more times and smell it.ā She said snapping her manicured fingers. As much as James had already admitted it he loved when Lily was bossy. In general, anyone bossy was his type.
He finally pushed himself up with a grumble and taking the stirring rod out her hands, āFine, fine Evanās Iāll do it. Just to see that pretty face thoughā He grinned winking at her. In the corner of James eyes he say her blush and now that he was watching it again from a different perspective she definitely blushed. James noticed that she had been doing that a lot lately, and he couldnāt tell how much he liked it.
James stirred one, twice and three times as the potion turned into a deep fuchsia color. He picked himself up and bent down to take a smell, āokay so I smellā¦ parchmentā¦ uh wet rainy airā¦ something like flowers but not you know?ā James said looking up at Lily whose mouth has dropped, her cheeks flushed slightly.
āWhat? Did-did I smell it wrong?ā He said staring at Lily who still hasnāt spoken just staring at him. āUhā¦ Evanās? Earth to Evanās?ā He said waving in-front of her face, when that didnāt wake her he clapped his hands at her, āLily!ā He yelled and she blinked rapidly, like he startled her out of a dream. āShit sorry.. you werenāt like blinking or nothing.ā
Lily wet her lips running a hand through her fiery red locks, before shutting her eyes tightly and balling her fist like she was almost bracing for impact. āJameswillyougooutwithme?!ā She said, all her words strung together in one breath.
James blinked into confusion his mouth parting in shock, āI- come again Evanāsā¦?ā
She took a deep breath peeling her eyes open slowly and shaking out her hands, āwill youā¦ fuck- will you go out with me James?ā
Again James stared with confusion before his face broke into a full toothy grin, letting out a nervous chuckle before pointing to himself. āOh Evanās, you mean me?ā He teased batting his lashes at her.
āOh come off it Potter! Now answer the question!ā She giggled hiding her face out of embarrassment.
āOi give me a minute! Itās not like my 13 year old self hasnāt been dreaming about this for yearsājust let me take it in for second why donāt you!ā He laughed running a hand through his locks pulling gently, āI mean the Lilian Juniper Evanās wants to go out with little ole me?! I just donāt believe it!ā He laughed once more as she groaned loudly before taking his hands to peel off her flushed face. āOf course Iāll go out with you Evanās.ā
When she finally registered his words she smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck and giggled, āYou can call me Lily Jamesā¦ā She said softly pulling back.
James laughed throwing his head back, āOh today just keeps getting better and better! What next? You gonna kiss me?ā He chucked throwing his head back, but when he finally brought it back down Lilys hands were cupping his jaw tilting him down to plant a soft kiss on his lips.
It took him a moment to register, but when he did it was worth everything. This kiss was perfect. It was soft and slow like they had all the time in the world unlike-
āMmm, I guess it is.ā She hummed against his lips.
James loved this memory. He loved the feeling of Lily in his hands once and for all, he promised himself in that moment heād always protect his love. He smiled watching the two of them giggle as the kissed and swayed, he didnāt want this to end. He didnāt want to wake up in the void and see nothing. All he wanted to witness was his younger self holding the love of his life. The mother of his son. The woman with a heart of gold. If James was the sun, she was gravity.
When James came back to the void a second time he was more smiles then sorrow. He enjoyed his time in there it didnāt remind him of anything bad. He will miss Lily and Harry, he hopes to who ever is out there that they got out. That they were able to escape and only James took the death card.
He looks around to see one lonesome door left. James is terrified to go through it, not because of the fact of whatver behind it. More so of the fact that what happened when he opens it? Is that it? Will he live in whatever memory is next? Will he be stuck in the void? There is a lot of what ifs and James doesnāt like what ifs. Too much uncertainty. James likes to be sure. Itās the reason why he wanted Harry to be born. Because that is his soon, no matter the āwhat if shit hits the fanā, because everything seems to hit the fan.
When James finally reached the last door he was confused, it wasnāt really a door per se, more of a curtain. When James slid it open he was in a hostpitalā¦ huh? James was stumped. Why on godrics earth was in St. Mungos?
He walked down some ill lighted hallways looking for where heās supposed to be? Usually the memories just happened infront of him or were already happening but clearly this was different. He was slowing down rubbing his eyes. Why was being dead so exhausting.
When he was finally about to give up he heard footsteps running fastly behind him, when he turned around he remembered eveything instantly.
It was Harryās birthā¦.
āSHIT SHIT SHIT-FUCK PADS IM SO SCREWED!ā A twenty year old James cursed as she skirted down hallways running faster than lighting. āFucking hell Iām gonna miss it arenāt I!ā James panicked running and dragging Sirius along.
As James followed both Sirius and his young self he realized how out of shape he was in, apparently chasing after a one year old wasnāt enough cardio than he thought it was.
āProngs itās fine! Fuck can you slow down heās barely gonna be born!ā Sirius cursed grabbing his chest as if he was going to faint.
āNo I canāt! If-if I miss it Lily will kill me and I will miss one of the best moment of my life! And fuck- Lily was right padsāI shouldnāt have went in the mission this close to her due date! What was I thinking Iām already a terrible father and husband and-ā A rambling James was cut off with a smack upside his head, causing him to almost eat literal shit on the floor. āHey! What the fuck mate?! Your rings!ā He said rubbing the back of his head.
āThatās because youāre being stupid.ā Sirius deadpanned while still running, āso shut up because your not gonna be a terrible dad and your not a terrible husband either so shut up and letās find your scary wife!ā James laughed as Sirius pulled him along running even faster, James continued running after them both, if his younger self knew heād get to watch it twiceāactually no James would still be rushing.
When him and Sirius finally got to the room Lily was crying. Oh his sweet wife. He felt terrible once more but he ran to her side holding her head. āLove! Iām hereā¦ fuckāIām so so sorry I ran all the way here.ā He breathed out rapidly trying to control his breath and kissing her forehead.
āWeāll talk later-ā she bit out before she was cut off by a groan. āJesus-buggering Christ what the fuck!ā She cried out squeezing her eyes shut, āWhy-why didnāt you just apperate?!ā She said looking at him just as James looked up and Sirius who bursted out a laugh. Lily looked between them, confusion etched on her face.
āWeā¦ we uhā¦ may have forgotten we can do thatā¦ā James replied sheepishly adjusting his frames while Sirius tried to hide his snickers.
āYouāve got to be joking?! Idiots the both of you!ā Lily snapped but James knew there was no real bite to her words. āI just.. Jamie, it hurtsā¦ā she whimpered out, the fight burning out of her slowly as she cried into James side.
āHey, hey itās okay. Shhhā¦ā he said stroking her hair with his hands trying to pull it from her wet forehead. āItās almost over yeah?ā He looked at the healer who nodded, āOkay see almost done, you just got to push a little more okay love?ā He whispered kissing her temple as she nodded.
Lily tensed up pushing with up with and deep grunt before slumping back down and crying. āI canāt Jamesā¦ I canātā¦ Iām tired.ā
āHey, none of that. You can do this. I promise you Lils you can do this. I love you and you can do this you just gotta give one more okay? You are Lilian Juniper Evanās Potter, the brightest witch of her age. You can do fucking anything.ā He said firmly, staring into her beautiful green eyes. In reply she laughed softly sniffling up her tears as she pushed once more, her hand tightening in Jamesā that borderlined in pain.
But when she finally let go none of that mattered, because a loud piercing cry broke out in the room.
July 31st 1980, 5:34 pm. James and Lilys son was born.
When James and Lily heard the cry they both laughed and smiled, holding each other close as the healer cleaned off their beautiful son. When she finally handed the baby to Lily he couldāve bursted out in tears. This was everything to him. This was his purpose in life. This was everything.
When Sirius finally sauntered over wiping his eyes to make it seem like he totally wasnāt crying his eyes outāhe looked down at the baby and whispered, āWhat are you guys naming the little git?ā
Lily and James looked at each other Lily spoke up first. āHis name is Harry James Potter.ā She smiled playing with Harryās little fingers.
James let out a surprised little laugh wiping his eyes harshly has he looked at his beautiful boy, āoh Lilsā¦ itās perfectāheās perfect.ā He sniffled before Sirius laughed at tilted his head.
āAre you sure he got any of your genes doe? Seems thatās prongs twin right there.ā He snickered and when James looked down he was right. Harry was the almost exact replica of him.
āOh youāve got to be kidding me!ā Lily laughed looking at James before swatting him. āI carry him for nine months, during a war mind you! And-and he comes out looking just like you!ā She said with faux annoyance.
āHey! No hitting infront of the baby!ā James laughed rubbing his arms as he kissed Lilyās head, āplus you lot say it likes it a bad thing I was a very cute baby! And you never know Lils he could have your personality or your eyes-ā But just as James said that little baby Harry opened his eyes to reveal the most beautiful deep shade of emerald only his wife seemed to have. āHoly fuckā¦ā James whispered before the tears took over.
āHeās bloody perfect.ā Sirius whispered as Lily nodded with a smile.
And with that James is back in the void. This time it feels different. Heās happy he got to relive all these moments once more but what was the reason, because all it did was make him feel worse. he wanted to be back in the living with his family. He felt desperate and alone. Two things he was very not used to feeling. What was there to do now? Is he just stuck in the middle of a pitch black void forever. Is this his life now.
Just as James decides now is time to accept his fate, that he is dead and not coming back, that there is nothing left for him, he sees something far in the distance. He squints but still cannot make the object out clearly, so he does what he has been doing. Walking.
When he walks it feels like heās never getting closer, like the universe is trying to keep him away from it, but James is stubborn so that doesnāt not deter him at all. When he looks back he canāt tell how far he has walked, but it has seemed like 500 miles.
He walks and walks getting rather annoyed when he still hasnāt reached it so he jogs, he jogs to get closer to this mysterious what now looks like as another door. James canāt seem to think of any other memory that would cause another door. Heās almost certain he has lived through all his fondest memories, his mother, his friends, his wife, and his son. What more is there?
When James finally gets close enough to the doe he can hear yelling, two boys to be exact. Itās new and strange because before all you would be able to hear is the dead silence of the void and James wet footsteps as he walked.
When he placed his hand on the door it wouldnāt budge, almost like it was locked. Almost like the universe really didnāt want him going through door. He pressed his ear against the wood to try and hear but everything was still muffled but he can still hear the tone of the first boy, he sounded rather angry while the other one tried to calm him down. Maybe it was Remus and Sirius? But why would their moment be in James memory?
When it still wouldnāt open he did the only logically thing he could think of. Kicking down the door. This probably wasnāt his finest moment but what else could happen heās already dead, probably has been for awhile by now. So he kicked and pushed the door until it cracked off its hinges, falling down into a puff of smoke. James stared at the now doorless room, confused more than he ever has been but now the voices more easier to hear but still not enough to clearly make out the words.
When he finally walked through the room
and climbed up the spiral creaky stairs the voices got even louder he can hear the steps of someone pacing back and fourth, like they were trying to burn a hole into the floor. When he finally got to the top he opened other doors, and when he pushed it open he froze. Just like before he died a fear took over his whloe body, causing chills to run up his spine.
He forgot about this memory.
āReg-regulus please!ā James sobbed, āI promise you-you donāt have to do this, we canāt break up-ā
āWe have to Jamesā¦ā Regulus whispered as he watched James pace back and forth, pulling at his hair trying to anything to convince him.
Not this memory. James has done everything in his power to forget about this day. James does not want to remember this day, he has purposely made his own spells to keep it hidden and locked away. He stands still and frozen at the door watching the scene of his first heartbreak play out in front of him, not being able to do anything.
āLoveā¦ pleaseā¦ you canāt do thisāyou canāt! I love you!ā He sobbed walking up to regulus, taking his lovely face in his hands to wipe at his tears.
He took a deep breath placing his hands on top of Jamesā, āJames stop. Just stop, we have to stop. Thereās no useā¦ it was always going to end like this.ā He kissed Jamesā rough hands and placed them at his side.
āBut I love you.ā James whispered once more, the tears like a faucet that just kept going. He hated feeling this vulnerable but he just wanted Regulus, he wanted to save him.
āI know, I knowā¦ but I canāt give you want you want James.ā Regulus replied looking away.
āYou can!ā James said louder than he intended too, when regulus flinched he felt terrible taking a deep breath. āIām sorryā¦ im sorry but I know you can give me what I want because youāre all I want reg, your all I need! You-you could kick me and Iād thank you, I just-I donāt understand what is happening!ā
āJames please just stop-ā regulus started before he cut him off with a scoff.
āStop what?! I love you! I want to fight for thisāfor us! Just help me understand!ā
āJAMES!ā He yelled causing James to stop and look at Regulus angry expression. āFucking stop and listen! This never going to work becauseā¦ we are too different! We want different things, our story ends hereā¦ā
āNo-no you donāt mean that Reg, you donāt. You love me and I love-ā James started before he was cut off by a sharp laugh.
āLove me? James you donāt love me.ā he bowed his head almost like he was ashamed, āyou wouldnāt love me if you knew the truthā¦ youād be scared and youād hate me. ā
James stepped closer his arms resting on his biceps rubbing back and forth, āWhat? No thats not true reg I could neverā I would never be scared of you, let alone hate you! There is no world where that would even occur!ā He stated punctuating each word with a soft squeezed on his slender arms.
Regulus laughed and shook his head, his hands balling into fist tried to push a confused James away. āWhat? Why are you laughing? Iām not lying I would never even-ā before he could finish his sentence James was shoved away, Jake snarled caught his balance just as regulus was pushing up his sweater sleeve, a deep black dark mark etched into his skin took up his pale forearm.
Oh James was scared, and Regulus could see that. Watching it all play out again even James himself can see the way his eyes bulged and his hands shook. āNoā¦ noāplease Reg. Thatās not real.. youāre fucking around.ā But when nothing came out of Regulusā mouth James knew he wasnāt joking. āWhat the fuckā¦ what the actual fuck!ā He paced his hands flying to his hair pulling on it more harshly, āAre you fucking mental! Please tell me they forced you! Please Reg!ā James shouted, but this time when Regulus flinched he didnāt care as much. āTell me something!ā
āNo. They didnāt force me to take it.ā
James felt like he was going to pass out. He remembered hearing this for the first time, it didnāt hurt less the second. In fact he thinks it hurt more. It felt as someone has taken a dagger and just dragged and dragged over his heart. What do you mean Regulus, 15 year old Regulus took the dark mark. James felt sick to his stomach, in-fact he remembers turning away and vomiting on the floor of the astronomy tower.
When he finished he wiped his mouth and ran a shakey hand through his hair, he laughed. He laughed but there was no trace of any joy in it. He hunched over bracing his hands on his knees as he continued laughing, when he watched from this perspective of it all he can see the fear watched in Regulus glassy eyes.
āI cannot fucking believe thisā¦ā He said as he continued laughing but hidden beneath the laugh was deep sobs. āI really am just fucking stupid. Me falling in love with a fucking death eater this isā¦ Wow.ā
Regulus flinched at the title James had given him, this only made James even more pissed. āhuhā¦ why would you flinch at that Regulus?ā He sneered before he continued, āisnāt that what you are? You are a fucking lunatic and you know what?ā He paused looking at Regulus walking towards him until he was nose to nose with him. āyouāre right, now that I do know the truth. I donāt love you. I could never, and I mean never love someone as vile and disgusting as you. You are just like the fucking rest with this pureblood mania and thinking innocent people just because of their blood should die.ā
āNo no no no. Donāt you fucking āJamesā me. I cannot believe you Reg!ā He said turning away, āyou know how much I-I am against this. You know that I plan on fighting in the war after we graduate becoming auror! You know this we talked about this!ā He said trying to keep his voice from cracking but the last word failed him. āAre you even sorry at all?ā
Regulus looked away, playing with his hands before finally murmuring a soft no.
James laughed but it sounded more like the choking back of sobs, āholy fuckā¦ you know what?ā He said rubbing his legs before finally making eye contact, āyouāre right we should break upā¦ we should break up because I-I can never see you the same after this. You can take whatever weāve done this past year and just fucking forget it. Forget all the notes. Forget all the I love you. Forget the fact we slept together! Just fucking forget it all.ā James said before storming out, but before he can leave he stops at the door and said the one thing he knew would hurt Regulus.
āSirius was right, You are just a fucking follower.ā
And with that James was gone, James remembers the rest after this. He ran down to his dorm and cried. Cried into his pillow and would t get out bed for weeks and weeks, really only to attend classes or help Remus with the full moon.
What James doesnāt know is what happened after. He watched as Regulus crumbles in on himself once he hears James is gone for good, he pulls up his sleeve and starts scratching and hitting his skin it is red and bloody. He doesnāt really register his legs moving towards Regulus until he is in front of him prying his hands away from his arms, when he finally touched him Regulus gasped and looked up.
Regulus scooted back instantly like innocent piece of prey found by its predator, he scooted until his head it the stone with a loud āthudā but his face dint show any pain. James on the other hand was forced once more looking at his first love be so scared.
āJamesā¦?ā Regulus whispered tentatively, searching James face for any kind of emotion.
āUh-I-Regulus?ā James replied watching as the boy pushed himself up shakily. āAre youā¦ are youā¦ā
āDead? Yes .ā He said staring at James, ādoes that mean.. are you..ā
āYup. Dead too.ā He replied looking around before speaking once more, āhow can you see me?ā
Regulus what his loss is for speaking, āI-I donāt know Jamesā¦ I really wish I did too. tell you the truth.ā
James stayed silent for a long minute before gesturing his hands out to the middle of the astronomy building, āIāve honestly forgotten all about this memory. I wish I didnāt remember itā¦ā he whisper the last part to know one in particular, but he knew Regulus had heard it.
āI just-ā James started before taking a deep breath, āitās hard seeing all of this again, you knowā¦ I hadnāt thought about this in fucking years.ā He walked away wiping his nose.
āIām sorryā¦ā Regulus spoke up after a beat of silence.
James just smiled sadly shaking his head, āyouāre not, or-or you are and thatās okay but I didnāt want to think about this.ā He said as silent tears slipped down his face, āam sorry if that makes me a bad person butābut-ā
āIt doesnāt make you a bad person James, it makes you human.ā Regulus replied, shrugging as silent tears of his own fell.
James huffed a wound between a sob and a laugh before covering it with his own palm, āI guess for that person. My emotions are pretty bloody human.ā When he said that he saw Regulus mouth quirk up to that beautiful smile he once loved. At the sight of his first love, smirking, and holding down a laugh, Jamesās own bubbled out of him causing Regulus own to bubble out of him.
When they finally both came down from their laugh, Regulus spoke first saying, āI really did love you, Jamesā¦ā
āYeah I-i know that now but, but I wish I knew it back then tooā¦ā replied with a soft smile and with a blink of his eye James let himself leave the memory.
When he peeled his eyes once more, everything was white, not black how the void was it wasā¦ White. This was new and strange to because for however, long, heās been in the void. It was not this pure.
When he finally walked, it felt like he was almost walking on nothing. He fell as though he was floating through whatever eternal life this now was as he walked mindlessly he could just make out a person sitting with their head in their hands crouched over, the person has long red hair and James and instantly knew who it was.
āLily?ā He called out to the open. When the person picked up their head and snapped their head towards James, he smiled. It was his beautiful wife. When Jamesā eyes connected with her, he ran, he ran until they collided, their bodies, ached with the force of the hug. He held her as she cried, murmuring soft I love youās to her broken words about Harry and losing James. He told her he was sorry that he took so long but now heās here.
James realized in this moment how much he loved Lily. He would not deny the fact that Regulus is his first love and for as long as he shall be dead he still wanted to keep that memory 500 miles away from him. He wanted to keep it as far away as he can, he wanted it locked up and thrown into the black lake without a second thought.
But he also wouldnāt forget about the love him and Regulus shared. There are some moments that him and his first love shared that couldnāt compare to anything. His heart ache with the fact that he thought like this because he loved Lily, he would die for her. He would do anything possible to keep her safe and loved. but when you compare the love of her and Regulus James sometimes felt like he was 500 miles away from his home.
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