Lolong Anjing

I share my brain farts about random things here.

[lolonganjing]

i am so grateful for loving a man who loves me despite me not loving myself.

[lolonganjing]

I will marry him. I'm sure. I want no other.

[lolonganjing]

Mama... mamaku...

This is the rarest thing I felt. I'd never imagined that I'd miss my mom. She is the greatest human being to ever lived. Once I disappointed in her for her decisions in life, but it is now all gone. She is the brightest, the kindest. I love her so much. I am glad i was born your child. Mama. Mamaku.

[lolonganjing]

I love him like crazy. It's very difficult to leave him for another city. My tears just won't stop. I want to be by his side. Forever if possible. Bearing his child. Living together. Just being his wife is my ultimate goal in life. He saved me.

Can I handle this torment on my own? For at least a year I must bear my longing. Soak myself inside his arms. Feeling safe. Comfort.

Now I must bear not receiving such things.

[lolonganjing]

I finally graduated from college. I have many free times now. Yet, I lost the desire to write and draw. Instead, I'm drowning in anxieties. I feel pressed. Thinking about the future is scary for me. I hate being adult. I cannot blame nobody for my lacks. What if I am not qualified enough for a job? What if I cannot be somebody? I have mediocre skill in everything. What is my purpose? I am not happy.

[lolonganjing]

Everything feels so meaningless. I just graduated, then what? I'm feeling nothing. I have nothing to pursue. None. My parents are still the same. My boyfriend feels distant as always. My friends have their own life as always. Nothing changes. What's the point of me making achievements? Nothing changes. None. I feel nothing. None.

Meaningless.

Meaningless.

[lolonganjing]

I want to die. I don't have any longing for a family anymore. Each day, I feel emptier and emptier. I wonder, why do I have nothing to be excited about? I tried my best to find any reasons to live. What was the purpose of my birth? I even tried things that make me happy. I draw, I write, I read. I even have two of my friends. Each struggling with life, but they seem to be okay with keep living. They might be sad if I was to die. But I don't feel any remorse by leaving. I am not a good friend, even though I love them so dearly.

My hatred towards my parents for giving birth to me is slowly rising up day by day. I wish I was never born.

[lolonganjing]

I want to die, but I also longing for a nice life with small family.

[lolonganjing]

Today I cried a lot.

These feelings of desire, want, longing, are too strong. I almost afraid my heart'd explode.

This heart, this small heart couldn't contain the longing that catches me like a beast.

So I cried. Cried a lot. Releasing the feeling of longing.

[lolonganjing]

Despair is swallowing me little by little.

My heart ache. Something is off. Something is about to happen. Something bad. I can feel it somehow.

I no longer can feel excitement of pursuing future. There is nothing there. Nothing cool. Nothing meaningful.

I do want, wish, hope to marry the man I dated in high school. He's the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. But he has some part that I don't like. Parts that I guarantee will make me sad, mad, and unhappy.

Thinking about my parents is painful as hell. I can't even bring myself to write about them.

I had dreams of being a wife, running my own home, placing furniture, doing my hobbies, finding new hobbies. I dreamt of a life so peaceful where I can draw, write, messing with crafts, cleaning, taking care of my children, and the whole thing a wife can do at home.

I do realise that I don't deserve to be happy.

The state that I am right now, the stuff I did in the past. Being lazy, has nothing good to show, to be proud of. I don't deserve to be happy. The seeds that I planted weren't good so I'll harvest those bad fruit of those bad seeds.

I cannot see bright thing in my future. All too fuzzy. All too uncool.

Thinking about future no longer excite me any more.

Those dreams no longer excite me any more.

Nothing can excite me any more.

I want to die so bad.

I hate myself for always waking up everytime I took nap or sleep while wishing to die.

I want to die so bad.

[herssian]

*goes into my imagination and plays with my ocs like i’m a four year old with a dollhouse*

[lolonganjing]

[lolonganjing]

I always cry hearing this... so good... Better than smoking joint or sniffing cracks

[lolonganjing]

[lolonganjing]

❤️❤️❤️ #graire #grayxclaire #gray #fanart #storyofseasonsfriendsofmineraltown #friendsofmineraltown https://www.instagram.com/p/CEY66xgltUJ/?igshid=13zu0yt34gxld

[lolonganjing]

[lolonganjing]

Gosh! I'm in LOVE. Hahahahhahahahhahahahahhahh