Journal

The journal of a closeted Lesbian. posts not indicative of my general personality.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Girl halfway through an MSW: What if I also started a MLIS

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Things I want to say (but do not)

Why would you say that to me? You know that's something I am sensitive about.

Did you really just bring my family into this? My family has been nothing but kind to you. And your family is awful, you have no ground to stand on here.

Does it make you feel better about yourself to constantly bring up things you are better than me at? Does that help you in some way?

Just because you do not understand it does not mean my way of thinking is inherently wrong.

I would prefer if you did not tease me for having a disability.

You cannot even take care of yourself, what makes you think you could take care of someone else.

For someone who prides themself on being nicer than me, you're being awfully rude right now.

Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Are you ok? What is this about? Can I help? I want to help, but I don't even know if anything is wrong.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

I love him so much. like a ridiculous, stupid, all consuming amount. Completely platonically of course, he’s like family. best friend. QPP. whatever term, I don’t care.

But then sometimes there are double standards, you know?

We will make plans to hang out, and then he won’t show up. And I just kinda shrug and move on and maybe worry a bit but thats my burden to bear. He apologizes when he gets back and we reschedule. That’s fine, i get it, things come up.

But if I lose track of time and don’t call him at the vague time we agreed upon, he freaks out and sends a dozen messages, leaves me voicemails, sends half joking texts saying I cruelly abandoned him. I didn’t mean to do any of that!!!!!

I am visiting my family who I see in person for only a few days once every 3 months. Something came up with them. I left my phone charging in my room while I was elsewhere and didn’t see the messages. I wasn’t looking at a screen at all. I didn’t know what time it was at all.

I feel really bad now bc I should have been paying more attention I should have reached out and let him know there was a change of plans and I didn’t even think about it!!! Am I an awful friend?

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Sometimes. You make a plan to go on a trip with ur bestie. and then he gets sick. And so he can’t go. and so u are now waiting for a taxi by yourself. To go to another country for like 72 hours. And then come back.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

ok updates time :3

- my bestie/qpp graduated college! I traveled ~30 hours total to get to the ceremony and back.

- me and aforementioned bestie are moving in together in June!!!!! We got an apartment, have ordered furniture, I got us renters insurance, scheduled WiFi to be set up, etc etc etc so I am very proud of myself :3

- I have 2 more weeks of practicum 1 placement left, and then I can leave my terrible placement.

- I have an intensive course the first week of June which means classes every day 9-5 for 5 days. This is at the same time I’m moving in to new apt. yes this is poor timing but here we are

- I start my new job the week after that!

- I signed up for an improv class this summer! At second city improv so hopefully it will be a really good class.

- MY BESTIE IS MOVING TO MY CITYYYYYY YIPPEE

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Summer job acquired! And I have an application out for an apartment

[lonely-journal-keeper]

u ever. accidentally cause drama in ur city’s aro/ace discord server bc u didn’t end up going on a date with someone you met on a dating app and the person is still mad abt it 5 months later. bc i do. fucking apparently.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Hanging out with my coworkers is always such a strange experience bc they are infinitely cooler than me in every possible way and I feel incredibly lame when I’m around them.

They have tattoos and piercings, drink alcohol and smoke, go to clubs and parties, listen to metal and punk music, and are so confident and unapologetic. Meanwhile I drink like one alcoholic beverage a year, got high exactly one time, don’t go out to anywhere (wouldn’t know where to go or who to go with anyway) and always look as anxious as I feel, meaning extremely.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

It’s so frustrating because like. I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone in particular but I still get horny and I still want sex. Except I cannot imagine ever feeling like I love and trust someone enough to let them fuck me (and that’s assuming anyone would ever want to do so). I dont really have any interest in reciprocating either? Like the idea of touching someone else sexually is not all that appealing to me.

So it’s like I want sex in theory but in practice it feels impossible. But I still get jealous when I hear my that peers are having sex because it’s an experience I want to have at some point and it IS something I desire even if that desire isn’t projected out into attraction.

Being ace-spec is so complicated

[lonely-journal-keeper]

I need something lesbian to happen to me right now I swear to god

[lonely-journal-keeper]

if anyone was curious how my life is going. I was pickpocketed and my cellphone was stolen losing me all of my contacts photos notes app notes… rip to that phone

[lonely-journal-keeper]

So this weekend I had my best friend/qpp and another friend over and we all went to a con together. I was looking forward to this for weeks, and I think it went well overall?

except my best friend/qpp texted me this morning talking about how our dynamic is different in person (we are mostly online as we live in different cities) and it’s weird bc he’s not used to that.

Hearing this immediately made me spiral. I hadn’t noticed anything different, what had been different? Was it worse? Was it something I did? Are they going to start hating me now? Have they finally realized that I am annoying and loud and bossy and mean? Does this mean they don’t want to spend time with me in person anymore?

I know it’s all irrational and I would never tell them to their face that their innocent comment made me panic so deeply bc I don’t want them to feel like he can’t tell me things. He can. He always can. It’s just he’s my favorite person in my life, my rock, my everything. I don’t know what I would do without him. So the fact I didn’t even notice anything was different freaks me out.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

I think what makes it worse is that I was already worried about how the weekend went. Like objectively I knew it went fine but I felt bad bc I yelled at my sibling and didn’t spend enough time alone with my bestie and generally was annoying.

So what I really needed/wanted to hear from my people was “I had a great weekend, thank you for letting me stay with you, I love you, I miss you already” not that things were weird and different.

Not that they don’t have a right to think or feel or comment about this. They do. He always does. That’s not the problem. it’s that it wasn’t a good time for me to hear it. I spiraled. I’m still spiraling. I feel it in my chest my back my arms. I’m trying to be ok to be normal. but it’s really difficult.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

and I forgot my meds back at my parents house goddamnit

[lonely-journal-keeper]

So this weekend I had my best friend/qpp and another friend over and we all went to a con together. I was looking forward to this for weeks, and I think it went well overall?

except my best friend/qpp texted me this morning talking about how our dynamic is different in person (we are mostly online as we live in different cities) and it’s weird bc he’s not used to that.

Hearing this immediately made me spiral. I hadn’t noticed anything different, what had been different? Was it worse? Was it something I did? Are they going to start hating me now? Have they finally realized that I am annoying and loud and bossy and mean? Does this mean they don’t want to spend time with me in person anymore?

I know it’s all irrational and I would never tell them to their face that their innocent comment made me panic so deeply bc I don’t want them to feel like he can’t tell me things. He can. He always can. It’s just he’s my favorite person in my life, my rock, my everything. I don’t know what I would do without him. So the fact I didn’t even notice anything was different freaks me out.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

I am constantly thankful for having gone to a queer artsy private school for high school. It was completely normalized to be out and openly queer, and it made room for me to consider my own relationship to sexuality.

I had known queer people before going there, but only people who were closeted, or who were bullied for being openly queer. Having a space where that wasn’t the case gave me the courage to take that part of myself out from where I’d buried it and bring it into the light. Being a lesbian was an option I had never let myself consider before then.

anyway. I had my first shift today at an organization that does programming for queer youth and hearing about all the stuff they do brought me back to my high school days. maybe I can make that happen for other people. maybe I can be the openly queer person that lets people think maybe it’s not so scary to open those parts of yourself.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

I keep refreshing my course page for winter semester hoping my new classes will appear so I can check the roster. I figure it will either mostly be people I already know or people who are new to me.

I am so scared of both these options.

If it’s all people I know, then I already know I find them infuriating and stupid and boring. They have no independent thought, not a single interesting personality trait or hobby, all deeply uninteresting. But at least that’s the devil I know, and it’s a mutual feeling that they don’t want to be friends with me.

If it’s new people, that’s somehow scarier. They don’t know me yet, they don’t know how outspoken I am, they don’t know to be prepared for my disagreements in class and opinionated personality in small groups.

And also, I don’t know them. It’s possible they’re all boring annoying people as well. Or maybe they’re not, they’re chill and cool and have interesting things to say… and then if they still don’t want to be my friend, it would feel like my heart was being ripped out.

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Dating wrapped 2025

# of dating app matches: 30-50ish

# of people gone out with: 3

# of people gone out with that I actually liked: 1

# of virtual dates gone on: 4

# of IRL dates gone on: 7

# of people kissed: 0

# of people ghosted: 5

# of people I communicated with healthily: 0

# of times I deleted dating apps: 3

Reflection: I am soooo bad at dating. Like so so bad at it. Mostly bc I have the communication skills of a dirty sock and can’t figure out how to just. tell people how I feel. whether that be positive or negative. I just deleted one of the apps again. I’m just going to run out of sapphics in my city.