lonely carp

the queercore to fiona's apple

[lonelycarp]

[lonelycarp]

the window

I am

Finding myself

Thinking about windows again

And screens again

And mirrors

Again

-

I am

Being myself

Being the window again

Membranous metaphor

Hot molten earth

Turned

transparency

I’m remembering again

Am I?

-

I am

Finding myself

Thinking again

Carrying water

and chopping down trees

Mycelium seeping

Whispering secrets

Of endings

through cracks

To begin

again

-

I am

But

We are

And never were to be

again

I am finding myself

or else

I am not I

Casting net curtains

to catch my own role

A closed window

To an opening

Soul

-

I am

Yet

to find myself

Outside

Crouched naked

under moonlight

Upright

and ululating

Downright

howling uglinesses at the night again

-

I am

Yet

I am not

What you

Find yourself

thinking

-

I am

-

That I

am

That I

were

a Man

I would have often held his heart

In the darkness of the marketplace

-

The freshest meat

Still reeks of flesh

butcher clutching

expectantly

Claw dripping in gristle,

thudding chunks of bone to lug

and creaking weighing scales again

-

And

Through the soft

Often held

breath

of a window

-

I find myself

-

Being

again.

- Calyx Rose Petal (@lonelycarp)

[lonelycarp]

esmeralda  

wrap my arms around her  

if only you could see  

the places we have been  

in my dreams  

in my dreams  

you hang like a cloud above us 

  all of my lost friends and lovers  

everything is ending too soon  

life and love, but i’ll still have you  

i wish you could grow two arms to  

hold me close and say 

“i love you darling”  

you blew into my life  

if you burn, 

why’m i still 

cold 

at 

night?  

*piano punching*

  you break my aching lungs  

my replacement organ of love  

you’ve no skin to touch  

instead i’ll skin you up  

because your drug is my love  

but it’s not enough 

it’s not enough  

[lonelycarp]

hi everyone!!! lonely carp is back back back back back again

guess what? it’s 4 DAYS until the OFFICIAL RELEASE of the shape of celery on all streaming and download platforms!

this inaugural release, recorded live in glasgow, contains the satirical trans* anthem TINKY WINKY! which is my most requested song at shows, and is about forging your own role models as a trans*/enby/gnc person growing up; when your role models are pushed beyond the watershed and packaged into fetishised caricatures and tropes.

it’s a funny song, but it’s not really a joke. it’s a message. wrapped in a joke.

you can pre-order the album on bandcamp ^ to support trans* art directly and receive an instant download of tinky winky! 

all bandcamp pre-orders get the VERY SPECIAL PDF liner notes as a bonus item download - featuring all the lyrics, official photographs of the show by Glasgow University Magazine Glasgow University Magazine and some of my paintings.

please give my spotify artist profile a follow CUS LONELY CARP IS ON SPOTIFY NOW FINALLY

i am so grateful to you all. you have all been there for me pre-edinburgh, pre-spotify, pre-amanda, pre-transition, and i consider you the founding members of the carp collective. 

to celerybrate, all $10 patreon pledges (or higher) before the release date will receive the FIRST EVER LONELY CARP MERCH - custom made butterfly stickers!!! and a lovenote of gratitude from ya gal, callie rose [patrons also have instant access to .wav downloads of the ENTIRE album + the PDF bonus item, ahead of the release, as well as all the music/art/poetry/photos i have posted there already.

love u so much 

xo

[lonelycarp]

last night was the best night of my life (so far). I met Amanda Palmer, my all time hero, at the ninja gig here in Edinburgh. She called me beautiful. We kissed. She told me she loved me. She said I was incredible just for BEING. I told her my story and how her music has made me who I am. She brought me on STAGE at the ninja gig to help tell a story about an empath. SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME I WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF HER EVENING?! I cried while she held me. My life is complete. THANK YOU UNIVERSE. 

p.s. i was wearing a white kimono, she was wearing black. i had mala beads around my neck, she had mala beads around her wrist. living for the accidental co-ordination 

[moved-to-lykrynos-deactivated20]

gym teacher: boys on the left and girls on the right

me, nonbinary:

[lonelycarp]

Open Letter To My Gestating Self

have the AUDACITY 

have the bravery 

to demand no less 

than FEELING

deny yourself NONE of it, beauty

it will be your ART TEACHER 

(i will not lie to you)

the body will seize and pulsate, 

the mind tense and quake 

but you must have the COURAGE

to deny yourself No Thing 

even suffering 

it will be your P.E. TEACHER 

have the RESOLVE

to revolve

through the cycles of life 

which follow the anfractuous path

out and backward in again 

to return, to never leave that place 

where NOTHING that is REAL 

can be threatened

it will be your TEACHER’S TEACHER 

Excavate 

and OPEN the chest 

with its infinite contents

sharing 

does NOT 

bring scarcity

abundance 

breeds abundance 

this will be your ECONOMICS TEACHER 

it is to be treasured 

by the rest of the world 

that you are BLIND to from EXPERIENCE 

FIND the INSIGHT to 

demand the light to illuminate your inner body

It is already RIGHT THERE.

it is your STUDENT.

have the AUDACITY

and have the STRENGTH of will  

to INSIST on the acknowledgement of 

LOVE 

feel it 

in every helix 

it knocks in 

each building block, 

the proxy of 

your deoxyribonucleic acid

it will be your GEOMETRY TEACHER

and it is the shape of you 

as water 

that fills every space

with NO THOUGHT of what CONFINES IT

It is the shape of you 

IMMUTABLE

yet constantly 

in FLUX

Heraclitus’ river 

The infinite giver 

the heavenly sliver 

of every hellish slice 

it will be your PHILOSOPHY TEACHER.

You, 

Me,

you are my ONLY 

TEACHER.

- cal donnelly

[lonelycarp]

i’m back. a lot has changed in two years. 

i have a lot more instruments, and a lot less boyfriend. 

RIP lonely carp

—

if you lived here you’d be home by now Couldn’t tell which were mountains which were clouds Nothing I write or sing out aloud Is enough to get across 4 years now buried underground The point is to see there is no point and on keep living anyway I wanted to wake up in a parallel universe like, yesterday how can the fact that nearly everyone on earth has either felt or will feel what i’m feeling be so i so lating? i just want to pick up the phone and hear your voice and if you were dead at least then i wouldn’t try or pretend like This can be better like This isn’t over we could’ve got sober that I’m not a monster… yet we crushed White Petals up and we hurt each other So much So much So much So much beyond all recognition down I fall this well’s not for wishing it feels like you’re dead and i think i know why it feels like i killed you without saying goodbye i could never love you as a nonfictional man you could never love me for the girl i am

[lonelycarp]

i wanna make the music video for this soon

[teenytinymoss]

god i love fresh fruit what a blessing to live in a world with fruit-bearing plants

[lonelycarp]

It’s my birthday and I am reminded of the gifts I have been given by the earth’s inhabitants; material and otherwise. Here’s my dad giving me my first electric guitar (and so it begins) #electricguitar #lonelycarp #kaleiopiscope #edinburghmusic kaleiopiscope.bandcamp.com (at Edinburgh, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwWocxYA5oX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1pzkh4d6u3xla

[lonelycarp]

[lonelycarp]

Are there any selves left to juggle

That I do not yet despise

And will I ever be the juggler

[lonelycarp]

[lonelycarp]

“falling, leaves was my ex's favourite song. It is, and was about him but used to be a bit more hopeful when we were together. All my friends liked it but I didn't have a recording of it. I was glad to be able to use my bass uke in this, it sounds like the double bass which was my first ever instrument. The final edit includes the new breakup verses which build to the chorus that he used to love so much. Makes me quite emotional to think that this song spans both the ignition and extinguishing of our love.”

[lonelycarp]

Hi dear! Was just wondering if you were coming up to York soonish?

Hey beautiful! I realise this is super super late but I’m based in Edinburgh now so a much shorter journey! If you can hook me up with an intimate cafe or bar with a real piano I would love to come play in York!! 

love u x

[lonelycarp]

Oi, smallfry, hows it going? You holding together? How is the river of life treating you?

So sorry for the response being years late... I’m up in bonnie Edinburgh now doing my PhD! Hence why I had to take some time away from art in general, but that made me feel bad, so I’m trying to get to a more balanced place where both cals can be at peace. Your river of life analogy makes me think of Heraclitus. The river is teaching me a lot of things. Learning truths is always hard! But my front crawl is getting stronger. Feeling sad that I didn’t get to meet you at my gig in Birmingham those years ago before I left!

 hope you are well :) 

[lonelycarp]

an economist

ah yes, an economist.

answering these years later without context is so much fun.

[lonelycarp]

Yea I added it to my favorites :) Keep up doing the good stuff :) x

I’m going through starting-my-PhD hiatus messages so this is from a long time ago and i don’t remember what we were even talking about but thank you so much I am back to making music with a vengeance! <3 x

[lonelycarp]

i made something quite big and it wasn’t easy in my tiny flat(!)

it’s also quite different from my lonely carp stuff,

but i hope you like it, i would like to record it in a studio one day maybe 

---

Strangling histones

Your Genes can’t be silenced anymore

Throwing stones

At the pain of glass at your front door

to beat the pain is to know what it’s for

We are all watching

We are all within

Oh G,

Oh A,

Oh T,

Oh C,

We see your clutching

We see all your sin

How many selves can I juggle

To make sure that I am liked

And Who is

the juggler

How many times will I struggle

To find company at night

And who is the juggler

How much light inside a puddle

Is forbidden from my sight

And who is the juggler

Are any selves left to juggle

That I do not yet despise

And will I ever be the juggler

will i ever be will i ever be (the juggler) will i ever be? will i ever be? will i ever be the juggler the juggler