AtJ

I'm a lover of many things. Love, happiness, and hope (and cats) gets me through the day. Found my time traveling romance partner and ready to make some memories. This is pretty much a pile of my life and you're welcome to peruse and question. If you ask correctly you'll always get an answer. This is me.

[lonerocker]

I am closing my current Tumblr account and starting a new one. My main blog isn't the one I want to interact with the rest of Tumblr and I want a fresh start.

[lonerocker]

I feel like such an emotional wreck right now. I just want to self-immolate and not exist anymore.

I know that sounds harsh, but I'm so exhausted.

Why is everything in life so complicated? Why does everything have to require more than I am capable of giving? Why do I feel like everything was designed to keep me shackled to my depression?

[lonerocker]

I'm starting to feel like I'm not worthy of the things I want. Not addressing or changing things is what's bothering me.

What's the point in communicating if I feel like everything I say goes in the trash? Things don't change, I get upset, we talk, and things don't change.

I have this constant ache in my heart that keeps me up at night. This confusion and consumption is occupying my every thought. Even if you're not making the conscious decision to cause these emotions- the fact you haven't tried to prevent or help me deal with them- after all of this time, makes me feel pathetic for even having them.

[lonerocker]

*blows the dust off*

I super seriously did not want to start posting on this blog again.

This last year I have felt so alone with my thoughts and feelings I think it might be a good idea to start tossing them into the void again.

I will talk about suicide and depression a lot because that's what I've got on my mind. I am lucky enough to have friends and family to help me if I have serious issues but I need this space to just vent.

[lonerocker]

I absolutely wasted the first day of the year running around in circles. I'm full of emotions and questions. I feel like I actually managed to make things worse. I just want to implode.

[lonerocker]

I miss my home.

[lonerocker]

The depression is really real today.

[lonerocker]

I survived the 2019 holiday season.

[lonerocker]

I miss my mom.

[lonerocker]

I was told I was too good for my current job and my neighbor brought us (and our cats) Christmas presents.

Not a bad day.

[lonerocker]

I jucking love Mission to Zyxx.

[lonerocker]

I just want to drive in any direction for any amount of time.

I just want to get away.

[lonerocker]

Damn you, The Empty Bowl. I’ve never cared more about cereal in my whole life. Every trip down the isle is a treasure hunt. The pressure to try new things and enjoy the ones I have always loved, inevitably leads me to spending $20-40 on PART of s balanced breakfast.

[lonerocker]

I’m 20lbs away from my goal weight. That’s pretty cool. I’ve been lazy with my diet since I was sick but I’m looking forward to getting back into it.

[lonerocker]

Have to use this next day off to reset my sleep cycle. Think I’m going to try some new meds my doc prescribed. Maybe they’ll actually help this time. I want pancakes and coffee.

[lonerocker]

I have a new job.

It’s your basic bare minimum over worked under paid kind of job but it’s fueling my fires.

I have experience working in other places like this but this one is different.

It’s thriving because it’s a slowly growing chain that gets the fundamentals right and grows every week.

We expand and evolve with ever order from our vendors. It’s a slow gradual change but from one end of a season to the next you can spot the changes.

We listen to our customers (new and old), follow trends, and try to supply our customers with the best stuff they asked for.

If every business ran this way they could be successful. Setting your inventory and never changing things for years will destroy your business.

It seems kind of poetic in a way to post this on a dying social media site.

[lonerocker]

If you’re somehow seeing this-

Stay out of my life.