the thing is that andrew knows.
when he gives neil the keys, tells him to stay, lets him sit up on the roof with him. when neil talks for hours on the bus and he lets him and they trade truth just for the sake of knowing each other.
he knows already what he’s doing, letting it go this far. knowing that he’d never do any of that for anyone else. neil looking at him, always searching for him in a room. maybe neil knows too. andrew doubts it.
when neil kisses him on the bus before the binghamton game, it’s the first time andrew has ever been kissed.
that’s not true, but it feels safer to picture than to imagine it’s the kiss he’s always wanted. neil reaching for him, wanting to kiss him just for the sake of kissing him.
because they’d shared so many secrets? because he wanted to?
andrew doesn’t mean to guess his intentions, to warp it into something ugly. it was golden light on the side of neil’s face, one half in shadow and the other bursting with color. he thinks beautiful but doesn’t say it, couldn’t manage it. neil reached his hands out, arms falling slowly into place to wrap his fingers around the back of andrew’s head.
no one’s ever reached for him first, hands going to hair instead of any other untouchable part of him. for a moment, andrew wished neil had grabbed his face. held fast, but only for a moment. just to see how it would feel.
instead, neil presses his fingers lightly into andrew’s head, fingers gently rubbing through his hair. and what choice does andrew have? the real answer is that he could do anything right now, and knows that neil would respect it. still.
the real answer pales, hides itself away. neil is watching him, mouth half open from anticipation and curved up into some sort of happiness. he’s smiling, but he must not know it or else he’d tuck it away where no one could see. andrew couldn’t do anything but kiss him, put a hand on his thigh so he doesn’t wrap his arms around him. it’d be awkward to hug him while they’re sitting together, would rip apart their balance if andrew tried something so reckless.
it’s hard to know what he wants, now that he’s letting himself. it’s hard to know what will be too much, or something that he doesn’t like. harder to wonder if neil will tell the truth if something bothers him.
andrew wants to hold him, to get closer until they’re pressed together.
instead, he shuts his eyes tighter and moves his hands off.
that’s what you do, he thinks, as he pushes neil away. how do you break everything i’ve built to keep me safe?
but it’s just neil. watching him, kissing him, going back for him. it’s neil wanting him to be safe, wanting to fight for him. andrew’s breaking it all down himself.
i want to go back for you.
this kiss on the bus is the first time andrew’s ever been kissed.
neil’s mouth sinks into a frown as andrew pulls away, whether he realizes or not, so andrew presses his palm against neil’s cheek and says nothing.
he holds his breath when neil smiles again, and gets off the bus before he can do anything else.
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