Cynical Bitch

I'm Meghan; Lindsay Lohan is my lord and savior

[loocyfur]

Self destructive

Here we go again

[psychedelic-head]

1.9 Cocaine Tons.

[dutchpagan]

“Balance” - The light and dark halves of the year Ink on paper, ca. A4-size

[loocyfur]

I can't do this .

I can’t sit here and delete pictures of us and not want to cry my eyes out , because the truth is I don’t want to . I want to break down and talk to them all again and fix it . 

But it’s not fixable , and that fucking hurts more than anything . All I want is to be able to look back on my life and not regret it . Not regret being so .. passive . I just want to feel in control for once in my life . I want to feel like it’s ME that controls who comes in and out , and not the opposite.

This is my breaking point . It’s this or I don’t even want to know what . Forgetting is the best option at this moment .

[loocyfur]

You're right .

I’m not worth it . I never was . You’re better than me , you always will be . 

I’m not going to do this . I can’t . I feel so alone . I don’t know where I am , I don’t have anywhere to go if something happens , and I’m scared . 

I’m fucking scared . I want to know what is going to happen to me ,I need to know that I’m going to be okay , and that I’m going to make it out of this just like I always do . But I’m too afraid to ask anyone or to even post this publicly . I want someone for once to tell me the truth . That theres a chance, no matter how small , no matter how miniscule , that I will fail , and this will be the last time I ever take a blade to my skin just to feel something other than regret , and acutally physically hurt , instead of all of it being in my head .

I need some sort of .. validation , that I’m not just going to be that one girl who killed herself , or that girl who ended up crazy . 

This could be the last time .

But if it is I’m ready 

[loocyfur]

Tomorrow I get to celebrate being alive and be thankful for the place my head is in presently. I have never felt like I could see the world clearer. Here’s to January 11th now and for the next 50 years. Please remember your loved ones with mental illness. We are not invincible.

[loocyfur]

6 years passed . Im still here

[loocyfur]

Six years ago you left

[loocyfur]

Self destructive

Here we go again

[loocyfur]

I'm keeping my promises .

I think about you less and less each day .

one day I’m not going to give a second thought to wether or not it was right for me to leave you . 

Slowly my depression is turning into spite again , I don’t still feel I owe you anything .

So I hope you’re happy with yourself .

I hope you look at me in five years and think “Wow I should have married that girl.”

Because then it will be too late .

[loocyfur]

Hindsight

[loocyfur]

I promise myself . and you , that I will never again hurt myself in any way shape or form .

[loocyfur]

I just want to say that I’m happy to still be here . I’m happy that I got to meet you. I’m happy you never had to see me as I was . I’m happy you’ll never have to see me cry and sob and have panic attacks because I feel so alone . I’m happy you never will have to meet that person . Some piece of me wishes that we did meet back then just so in the future if the monster comes back , just so if one day I feel so hopeless that I attempt again to leave this place and go wherever I thought I’d end up , You’ll somewhat understand. I can honestly say I never think that will happen , I want to say this chemical inbalance has been cured, I want to say that I’m 100% okay , but then again I don’t want to second guess myself because there are still times I feel like theres nothing here for me , there are still times I want to feel something more , there are still times I feel like I’ll never be good enough to feel truly fufilled.

[loocyfur]

The things about you that I cherish the most are the smallest things , but they're things that I crave when I'm without you . its the way your hair smells when you nestle your head in my chest, how it feels like silk against my cheeks while I'm slowly falling asleep to your breathing . its when I'm sleeping and having a bad dream how you pull me close and remind me I'm safe. You're good at that , making me feel like I don't have anything to worry about , as long as I have you. Its the little things that are making me fall deeper into love with you every day

[loocyfur]

I didn't know I could love someone like I love you.

[loocyfur]

everything will be okay beautiful

I think I know who you are and I love you.

[loocyfur]

Why do I go over things in my head so many times. Why can't I just make a decision and stick to it.

[loocyfur]

Its days like this I miss the little anons popping up and telling me everything is gonna be okay

[loocyfur]

I'm sorry I'm such a pessimist. To this day I still feel so alone in my own head sometimes. My brain is still my worst enemy.