This and That

Toni // German // 27 // I like all sorts of things... have a look

[keikomivra]

heartstopper + tumblr text posts

[jordanbolton]

“Range Life” by Jordan Bolton

Part of Scenes from Imagined Films Issue #1, available on Etsy

[spidermanifested]

hey. what do a selkie and a ziploc bag have in common

[spidermanifested]

resealable

[rockinlibrarian]

I have no idea why this made me laugh out loud as hard as it did.

[nodaybuttodaytodefygravity]

Hi the only thing I care about today is Susan Sarandon's twitter

[smute]

Morgens halb zehn in einer Berliner PR-Agentur. Manuela, die Seniorchefin (ein Titel den sie überhaupt nicht mag, da sie fest an flache Hierarchien glaubt und sowieso eigentlich schon immer von allen geduzt wurde) will gerade das Meeting starten als der Praktikant, Quentin, zur Tür hereinplatzt. "Sorry, meine Aeropress war verstopft!" Ein verständnisvolles Raunen erfüllt den Konferenzraum. "Kein Problem. Kennen wir doch alle." Manuela öffnet die Powerpoint-Präsentation und ihr Macbook heult auf. "Dann legen wir mal los", beginnt sie etwas zu laut in ihrem Versuch den in Kalifornien designten Lüfter zu übertönen. "Erst einmal möchte ich euch alle herzlich willkommen heißen. Es ist so toll nach zwei Jahren endlich wieder mit allen zusammen zurück in der Agentur zu sein. Wie ihr schon wisst, dürfen wir uns in diesem Jahr um die Sommerkampagne der Bahn kümmern. Ich hoffe, ihr habt das letzte Wochenende intensiv genutzt und ein paar nette Ideen für den Video-Content vorbereitet!" Manuela legt viel Wert auf eine gute Work-Life-Balance. "Cleo, sei doch so nett und fasse noch einmal kurz den Auftrag zusammen."

"Ja, klar!" beginnt die Juniorchefin. "Die Bahn will in diesem Sommer vor allen Dingen den Urlaub im eigenen Land hervorheben. Wir haben jede Menge Stock Footage mit der wir arbeiten können—Züge in schönen Landschaften und so, aber wir brauchen irgendwas Neues, das die Leute anspricht. Will jemand anfangen?" Nora meldet sich. "Also, da die Bahn ja gerade voll auf Zukunft macht und so mega die Digitalisierung pusht, dachte ich, dass wir irgendwas krass Visuelles mit einer Suchmaske machen. So wie im Online-Ticketshop, aber anstelle von Bahnhöfen könnten wir Situationen nehmen, mit denen sich jeder identifizieren kann. 'Von Lockdown nach Freiheit' oder so." Die Anwesenden brechen in Beifall aus. "Genial!" freut sich Manuela. "Suchmasken wegen Digitalisierung! Sowas kann auch nur der Nora einfallen!" Cleo läuft eine Träne über das Gesicht.

"Einfach super! Ich denke bei der Idee können wir gleich bleiben." Manuela wühlt in ihrem Jutebeutel und fischt einen wasserlöslichen Whiteboard-Marker heraus. "Brainstorming! Was können wir noch in die Suchmasken packen? Sowas wie, 'von daheim nach da draußen'."

"Von Glotze nach Glück", schlägt Cleo vor.

"Ja! Super!" Manuela liebt Alliterationen.

"Von Sehnsucht nach Seeluft", ruft Nora.

"Wie poetisch! Noch jemand?"

Etwas schüchtern meldet sich Quentin: "Ja, also ich hätte auch eine Idee."

[blackwoolncrown]

Are straight white people okay????

What is this?!

[squeezemetillipop]

People like this exist. Interesting.

[feliicityrampant]

this story has a part 2

[doctormemes]

THERE IS A PART 3 WITH GUEST RESPONSES I REPEAT THERE IS A PART 3 THIS IS NOT A DRILL

[bullyfemme]

[glorious-scumbag]

I thought things couldn’t get more horrifyingly amusing than the woman who wanted people to pay $1000 each to go to her wedding so she could “feel like a Kardashian for a day” and had a Facebook breakdown about it saying she was gonna go backpacking in Peru to “find herself” after being “betrayed” by her friends who didn’t want to partake but here we are

[caffeinatedcorvid]

I thought it was the same person ngl.

[imsuchacapricorn]

I’m in the wedding shaming group and saw both this and the Peru post before it went viral. Love it.

[imsuchacapricorn]

THERE’S AN UPDATE

[a-melior-ate]

Stephanie is a true hero.

[hemilf]

my favorite thing about this update is that the fact that we are even SEEING this means there’s AT LEAST one other snitch in the party that she hasn’t caught yet

[seymour-butz-stuff]

[faggotryandpride]

King shit

[andhumanslovedstories]

This is the greatest progression of events I have ever read, where’s my historical gay romance novel about this

[ariaste]

KING JAMES, CAN YOU CHILL?

[cornchipz-revival]

Local King Cannot Stop Promoting His Boyfriend

[ruby--wednesday]

where’s the lush period drama about this series of events?

[hotidiotsoup]

fun thing about king James, this guy was fairly public about his bf (more public than what was acceptable). He threw lots of extravagant parties with his man on his arm. It pissed off the church obviously so to get them off his back, he’s the one that ordered the third translation of the Bible from Hebrew to English (the King James Version aka the Authorized Version) so the Bible every hot blooded all American Christian reads today was literally just written so a very gay king could fuck his boyfriend in peace.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

oh my god this is hilarious

“guys, guys. I know this looks kinda gay, and i promise i have a good explanation for all this, but have you considered… that jesus… is also gay? checkmate, heteros.”

[detectivehole]

emperor kuzco was clearly gay

[detectivehole]

hes 19, with unlimited power, and he ain’t got a gf. the only time we see him interact with any women his own age is when he’s rejecting like 7 of them rapid fire. he pretends to date pacha in a gag that lasts like 10 solid minutes. listen to me god damnit

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, but just in case anyone is coming to tumblr dot com for my hot takes on 20+ year old kids' movies: Kuzco super WAS gay (or at least coded as such) and of course, I didn't get it until I watched it as a gay grownup.

He is played obviously camp and dramatic, for a start, and there is the aforementioned "hate your hair/not likely/yikes yikes yikes/let me guess you have a great personality" summary dismissal of all his potential brides. Then he spends dinner asking Yzma about Kronk ("so he seems nice? He's what, in his late twenties?") and otherwise being slightly obsessed with him.

Then there is the whole Adventure of Doom with Pacha, him being ever huffy about the Kiss of Life, and then the restaurant gag where Kuzco takes to playing Pacha's fake wife and dressing up in ladies' clothing with great gusto (reinforced by the waitress' "bless you for coming out in public" remark when Pacha says they're on their honeymoon). Then when he is finally de-llamafied, we don't see him paired off with the obligatory girl from the lineup earlier, as might otherwise be expected in a Disney movie. Instead he is still single, but goes to found family it up with Pacha, Chica, Kronk, etc, which dare we remark is a very queer trope.

In short, I have no idea how a Disney movie with no white people (all the characters are Indigenous/people of color), a gay king, cross-dressing jokes, and the most offbeat plot of all time actually ever got made (can you imagine the Family Friendly Mouse doing that today? Let us also talk about Kronk because he is a brilliant deconstruction of both toxic masculinity and the musclebound henchman stereotype.) Other than that this was the Chaos Hour of animated movies in the late 90s/early 2000s, and yes.

So yes. There you have it. I will not be taking criticism at this time.

[flavinbagel]

In response to the question “How did a movie like this get made at all much less by fucking Disney?” there was a recent Vulture article that outlines the whole shit show of a history behind this film according to everyone (writers, directors, VAs, Stings) involved. The gist of the story is that they fucked up making a whole, true-to-form Disney musical that never came to see the light of day SO BADLY that Disney switched directors, locked the writer’s room, and didn’t review a single script until weeks after the film was in theaters.

Please, read this article if you have some time. This story is wild, and involves directors being pitted against each other Bake-Off style and a shockingly intimate documentary created by the wife of Sting who, himself was heartbroken by the decimation of the songs he wrote for the film including cutting a fantastic Yzma villain song sung by Eartha Kitt that is SO DAMN GOOD but would not ever have fit the more nailed-down Yzma we would eventually come to know and love. It’s so catchy though, I’m doubling up on calls to action but please listen now:

[theterriblethingabouttulio]

holy shit read the article. it’s worth it and completely batshit

[kat-witha-k]

This is fucking insane

[brightlotusmoon]

[mod2amaryllis]

I've never adequately appreciated the batshit brilliance of this joke, I've taken it for granted

[assiraphales]

one of my favorite genres of discourse is when people try valiantly to take fictional (and often fantastical) scenarios and compare them to real life standards to make them more problematic

[assiraphales]

“I can’t believe that 300 year old vampire finds a 20 year old attractive” they’re literally an undead creature of the night that kills people susan

[donedyke-deactivated20240420]

this is a bad opinion and you should feel bad

[assiraphales]

typing up my apology statement on iPhone notes rn

[assiraphales]

[jyushifruit-moved]

[sailorbrazil]

The godfather remake is really something

[vintageadvertising]

70’s ad for Asbestos

[gunsandfireandshit]

[raccoonskoodilypoopdungeon]

[inber]

Writing period dramas in the discord, lads

[historyeet]

OBSESSED.

[ruffboi-mags]

inber bringing the regency drama.

[jaubaius]

This is how real men shoot wild animals.

[pandaroboto]

taskmaster + reductress headlines

[neil-gaiman]

What is your favourite Ghibli movie?

That I worked on, Princess Mononoke. That I didn’t work on, Spirited Away.

[geocaprican]