mel

she/her - turkish

[loonakult]

literally love Sophie Turner and Taylor Swift so much. Anybody a fan of GOT & Taylor?

[vexheart]

[bxbs]

​

[dailycatsblog]

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[busket]

every time I see a video like this of a big cat behaving exactly like a house cat im like "damn they really just put kitty cats out there in that big wide world"

[ariaiscursed]

[cocotropic2]

I believe so

[longtimedreaming-deactivated202]

The Ultimate Santana Lopez Quote List

Apologies if there’s any mistakes or I’ve missed some quotes. Just a heads up, it’s a long list, because I pretty much love any line Naya Rivera delivers.

Season 1

“Get a room”

“Everyone knows my job here is to look hot”

Puck: “You’re breaking up with me? Why?”                                                                                                  

Santana: “Your credit score is terrible”

“If everyone just put out we’d have a winning football team”

Kurt: “Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?”                                                         

Santana: “Your sexuality?”

 “I don’t know if it’s the missing mohawk or the whining but I’m totally not turned on by you”

Quinn: “Sexting?”                                                                                                                                                                           

Santana: “Sexy texting, seriously what era are you from?”

“You’re about as sexy as a cabbage patch kid. It’s exhausting to look at you”.

Rachel: “Can I ask you guys something?”

Santana: “Yes, you should move to Israel”.

Tina: “A roller rink?”

Santana: “Weren’t those outlawed in, like, 1981, for being totally lame?”

“Don’t play stupid Tubbers and for the record asking someone to babysit with you is super 90’s”

Brittany: “Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?”

Santana: “Oh, I know! She looked like Pippi Longstocking, but like, Israeli”.

 “Let us give you an intro into the way we work. You buy us dinner and we make out in front of you. It’s like the best deal ever”.

Santana: “Who, Rachel? She’s dating Jesse”.

Finn: “No she’s not.”

Santana: “Please, she’s like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room.”

“Nobody tells you anything because a) you’re a blabber mouth and b) we all just pretend to like you”

 Season 2

“My eyes are up here Jewfro”

“Okay listen. My Dad’s a doctor and not a ‘tooth doctor’, a real one. He, like, went to college or something which means I have a killer healthcare plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill cause Britts and I wants to get our anaesthesia on”

 “Okay, don’t you see that the midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?”

“Look Wheezy I realise I may have tried to punch you a couple of times and sometimes when you’re not looking I put weird things in your food…”

“Um, I’m sorry. Have you ever been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time, I brought a wheelbarrow and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up I called corporate office and got her fired.”

 “How can you do a duet by yourself? That’s like vocal masturbation.”

Santana: “And just so you know, I bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes cause we’s be going…”

Mercedes and Santana: “To Breadstix!”

“I’m only here coz Puck’s been in the slammer for about 12 hours now. I’m like a lizard, I need something warm beneath me or I can’t digest my food.”

Santana: “Can I just say you are the hottest dentist I’ve ever seen”                                                              

Carl: “Yeah I get that all the time”                                                                                                                   

Santana: “No, like seriously, you can totally drill me whenever…”                                                                          

Emma: “Santana!”

“Normally you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yay.”

Kurt: “There is no way I’m playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.”

Santana: “Why, because that look was last season?”

“I want bling; I can’t be any more specific than that. Okay, wait hold up please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket”

“So freaking charming”

 "I’ll just marry an NFL player. They’re super reliable.“

“You are so on my list dwarf”

“I don’t mean to be a bitch, well yeah actually, I do”

 “I’ve kissed Finn, and can I just say… not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man boobs”.

“Please, I’ve had mono so many times it turned into stereo”

 "Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something”

“Wait, something’s definitely wrong. Why isn’t Rachel talking?”

Puck: “I’m Finn Hudson; I’m quarterback of the football team.”                                                                

Santana: “I’m Rachel Berry, his loud, annoying girlfriend.”

“I won’t tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered white rhino.”

“I’ve been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was, I said I was practicing bird calls.”

“All those in favour of voting Rachel down a second time?”

“Oh and also, I have razor blades hidden in my hair. Mhmm. Tons, just all up in there.”

“I’ve gotta gay. Go…go, I’ve gotta go.”

“Just because I hate everyone doesn’t mean they have to hate me too.”

 “I’m about to go ALL Lima Heights!”

Finn: “Don’t you ever get tired of tearing other people down?”                                                                      

Santana: “No, not really”

“Because, I just try to be really really honest with people, when I think, that they suck.”

Will: “The all male acapella choir from Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers”                                                               

Santana: “Okay hold up, like a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head”.

“I think it’s time to do what Santana does best. Revenge.”

“Teen gay! You may now proceed to the next check point without fear of violence”

“My carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler but no I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.”

“Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or to moisten a enormous stamp for a lazy giant you take on step closer to everyone seeing that you’re actually a dork”

“Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my rig cage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can’t mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python…”

“You like her more than me. She’s blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit it. Just admit it!. No. Kiss me!”

“How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton?”

Mr Schue: “Sexy”

Santana: “I really hope that’s not one of the requirements for regionals, because with Berry in those tights we don’t stand a chance”

“I’m not interested in any labels… unless it’s on something I shop lift”

Santana: “But I wanted to thank you for singing that song with me in Glee Club. Cause it made me do a lot of thinking. What I realized… is why I’m such a bitch all the time. I’m a bitch because I’m angry. Angry, because I have all of these feelings. Feelings for you, that I’m afraid of dealing with, because I’m afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany I can’t go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can’t. Do you understand what I’m trying to say here?”                                                                                                                                                                   

Brittany: “Not really”.                                                                                                                                                                     

Santana: “I want to be with you. But I’m afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school. I’m so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that… I love you. I love you and I don’t want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.”

 "I have an awesome gaydar"

 "Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?“

“Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn’t know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren’t things we don’t want to change about ourselves? I’m sure that Sam has been at the doctor’s office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I’ll bet Artie’s thought about getting his legs removed since he’s not really using them anyway. And I’m definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting. So Rachel has a big schnoz, maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds.”

Rachel: I wish I could sound like you do, Santana, I mean how do you get that raspiness?

Santana: You’re so nice, I smoke cigars

“Why don’t you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It’s about you. You’re what we call a "late in life” gay. You’re going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men’s room tapping your foot with some page. And you know what? I accept that about you. ”

“They must’ve sensed that I was a lesbian, I mean they must’ve. Do I smell like a golf course?”

“You’re addicted to vests”

“I mean we won regionals for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the planet and I still got a freakin’ cherry icy facial”.

“Oh please you have weird puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they’re filled with custard. You could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert”.

“Legend has it that when I came out of my mother, I told the nurse she was fat.”

“As soon as we get to New York I’m bailing to live in a lesbian colony, or Tribeca.”

Rachel: “He’s just gonna vote for whoever is best”

Santana: “That would be me. You can fight over who’s second all you want, because I kicked that song square in the balls”

“Oh, Mr Schue, thank God you’re here to put these trolls out of their misery. Can you just announce my win so that I can get on with teasing the losers?”

“Quinn, quit hogging the bathroom, I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows on”

Season 3

The Purple Piano Project

“Senior year is all about being the Cheerio’s’ top ho and modelling my fierceness after my numero uno Latina, Paula Abdul.”

“You can’t break up the Unholy Trinity.”

“Let me tell you how this gonna be, if I may. When I look at a person I don’t see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes, I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy. So if you ever tell me what to do, I will end you.”

Brittany: “I have pepperoni in my bra.”                                                                                                                

Santana: “Those are your nipples.”  

I am Unicorn

“This campaign is brilliant and if he doesn’t get it he doesn’t deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There’s no-one like you. You’re a genius Brittany. You are the unicorn.”

“This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.”

Asian F

“Why are you babying her? She can’t take three steps without puking because she ate at Quiznos before she showed up in this joint.”

“Did you know that in six years at this school we’ve only exclusively had male student council presidents? And yeah, Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon’s butch daughter, but a vote for him would only empower yet another frank and beans.”

Pot O Gold

“Somebody’s gotta look out for Brittany. I mean that special place where she lives? Yeah, it’s beautiful, but someone’s gotta help her cross the street.”

“Here’s the deal, pixie boy. You’ve got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand. She’s beautiful, she’s innocent, and she’s everything that’s good in this miserable, stinking world. … Also, she thinks you’re a spritely, green, mythological creature, but I know you’re a potato-eating poser. But since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I’m not gonna explode you. Here’s what’s gonna go down. Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Aniston, is my favourite movie. It learned me two things. One, leprechauns like fixing shoe buckles because they’re gay. And two, they grant wishes. So you’re gonna grant me a wish.”   

“I wish you’d hold my hand”

First Time

“Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed. If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds she should at least know the truth. It was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body spray.”

“That’s right, double-stuffed, fatty, gassy, mcgravy pants; we are just one big happy, happy family.”

Mash-Off

Shelby: Mr Schue and I both agreed on the ground rules - we play fair

Santana: I just don’t have time for this kind of thinking. 

“You are such a bacon-wrapped, bug-eyed hypocrite. It’s freaking hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dreamboat, acapella mouth, you’re just itching to kick him right in the warblers.”

“I did not just leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, Richie Bitch. I’ve seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly.”

Santana: “Quick, go get some moist towels. We have to keep Finn wet before we roll him back to sea.”                                                                                                                                                                     

Rachel: “Finn is great shape and your meanness only highlights your insecurities.”                                                

Santana: “And Rachel, your moustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.”

 “The Troubletones are 3-F’s: Fierce, Femme, Phenomenal.” 

Brittany: “I think you need to stop making fun of Finn, you’re being really harsh” Santana: “Manatees have really thick skin”

“You seriously think that you can out-insult me? I’m from Lima Heights. I was raised on insults. It’s how mi abuela put me to sleep at night, and she is not a nice lady. You know, she tried to sell me once. And it wasn’t ‘til I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn’t Garbage Face.” 

Santana: “Shut your potato hole, I’m here to apologize. [to Finn] Rachel’s right, I haven’t been fair to you. You’re not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who’s had one too many back alley liposuctions.”                                                                                                 

Rory: “Whoa.”                                                                                                                                                      

Santana: “Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I’m trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown. I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I’m sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And I’m also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you’re getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you’ve been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel’s coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I’d stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.”

I Kissed A Girl

“When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality. I call her Snix. Her wrath of words is called Snix Juice. I’m kind of like the Incredible Hulk. You can’t blame me for anything Snix does”

“If you suspend me, I won’t be able to beat Grimace and Mr. Schue’s butts.”

“This is garbage. Hamburglar Finn is fine”

“Worry about yourself, Fetus Face.”

“While there’s nothing I’d love more than having two pretty ponies serenade me, I think we’d get further staging a gel-ervention for Blaine than singing lady music.”

“Your hideous bowties are provoking me.”

“Thank you, guys. Thank you Finn, especially. You know, with all the horrible crap I’ve been through in my life, now I get to add that.”

“That’s never gonna happen. I’d miss me too much.”

“Abuelita, I love girls the way I am supposed to feel about boys. It’s just something that has always been inside of me and I really want to share with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me, who I really am. When I’m with Brittany I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I’ve tried so hard to push this feeling away and keep it locked inside, but everyday just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world but I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just too tired. I have to just be me.”

“The struggle continues but at least I know I’m not alone”

Hold Onto Sixteen

 “I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth was back in town. I’ve been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I’ve missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn’t find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you’ve been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infants’ heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you’re back. I haven’t seen a smile that big since the acclamation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana”

 “We’re being nice. It would be rude if I followed you around and every time you took a step, I played a note on a tuba.”

 “It was that damn Trouty Mouth. Even I felt a little something in my lady loins when he did that magic sex dance.”

Extraordinary Merry Christmas

“The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off they left the house wide open so…I think she was a holiday hoarder”

 “Gosh, that song was so depressing. I may actually be dead right now.”

Yes/No

Will: “Okay, come on ladies, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever proposed.”                                                       

Santana: “Oh yeah? How did that marriage work out for you? I mean what was your big move then, a jumbotron that said, “Hey Terri! I wanna make a fake baby with you!”

 “You know, I just wanted to say that, I thought that you blew that song outta the water, and, totally nailed the assignment. Oh, no wait, wait a second, the assignment wasn’t ‘make everything about Rachel Berry and force everyone to watch’, was it?”

Michael

“This isn’t violent, it’s clever, I taped it to my underboob”

“Wait if Kurt had taped this to his junk I would never have heard the end of it. We would have had a week of songs about it”

“Today is your lucky day because Auntie Snix just arrived on the Bitch Town Express”

“My suggestion is that we drag him bound and gagged to a tattoo parlour for a tramp stamp that reads ‘tips appreciated’ or ‘congratulations, you’re my thousandth customer”

“You may look, like the villain out of a cheesy 80’s high school movie, but you should know that I’m fully prepared to go all Danny LaRusso on your ass.”

The Spanish Teacher

“You don’t know any Latin people…”

Sue: “You lounged a complaint about my teaching tactics with Principal Figgins possibly derailing my bid for ten-year just as I’m trying to have a baby.”

Santana: “A baby? With whose vagina?”

“Why don’t you just dress up as the Taco Bell Chihuahua and bark the theme song to Dora The Explorer?”

Heart

“This is such bullcrap. Why can’t Brittany and I kiss in public? Coz we’re two girls?”

 “And by the way did you get any complaints about that hideous display that started at 12.17 and lasted for several uncomfortable minutes?”

“And by that I don’t mean my friend who’s a girl I mean my girlfriend girlfriend”

“I’m sorry too, coz all I wanna be able to do is kiss my girlfriend but I guess no-one can see that because there’s such an insane double standard at this school”

“I fully support your right to be unhappy with Finn for the rest of your lives”

On My Way

“Let me break it down for you, from one bitch to another.”

“I’m looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again”

Big Brother

Puck: “We all know why we’re here. I’ve waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go!”

Kurt: “Oh, Gershwin song lines scavenger hunt!”

Santana: “Urgh, that sounds like torture.”

Saturday Night Glee-ver

“Blaine’s handsome brother said it best, college is a waste of time. I just wanna be famous plain and simple; don’t even care how it happens I just want everyone to know my name”

Santana: “Of course I want marriage equality and yeah Brittany will always be my girlfriend.”                     

Brittany: “Score”                                                                                                                                                         

Santana: “But my mistress is fame and that song was all about how I can’t live without some fame.”

“How about you save the lecture theatre nerds that are gonna starve in New York while desperately trying to tap dance their way to the chorus of godspell. No offence gay Berry. And everyone can stop all their hating because they wanna be famous too, the only difference is I’m 1000% sure that I’m actually going to be famous just like I’m a 1000% sure our man-child piano player keep a petite Eurasian locked in a trunk underneath his bed. Sorry Chang. Write this down coz there will be a quiz, I’m gonna be famous if it’s the last thing I do.”

Santana: “Why is everyone staring at me like I’m Finn and I just won a butter eating contest                                                                                                            

Brittany: “Because you’re famous, everyone’s loving the sex tape of us I posted on the Internet”                                                                                                         

Santana: “What? Brittany that sex tape was private we made that for us”

“Thank you. I don’t know if this is 100% the answer for me but just to have someone who believes in me as much as you do…I love you so much”

Dance With Somebody

“We’re hanging onto Whitney because she was incredible and we love her, so don’t put your baggage on us”

“Oh crap, I think I just realized I’m gonna miss you. Oh God, say something irritating so I can get the taste of this out of my head, please.”

Prom-a-saurus

Brittany: “This year’s theme is…dinosaurs!”                                                                                                                          

Santana: “Sheer genius”

“Well screw this; I don’t want to be queen if Brittany isn’t king”

Quinn: “It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I don’t feel any different”                                                                   

Santana: “Cool”

“How is everyone ‘welcome’ when this is clearly just a party for you and the two gay Winklevii twins?”

 “Can we just talk about what this really is? Rachel Berry isn’t getting her way so she’s punishing the rest of us. Stop acting like you’re fine and start dealing with your crap. Look, you choked at your big audition, I get it and I'm sorry but it happens and I understand that you’re pissed off at the universe but imploding on one of the last nights that we have to spend together because basically you’re not in the mood to dance is may be the pettiest thing you've ever done. So have fun at your ‘I’m a victim party’ acting like you’re not some selfish, self-centred, lame-ass, wannabe diva from hell because me I’m going to go to my senior prom with my girlfriend and my friends.”

“Stop making out with Berry and get to the Spanish room Quinn, it’s time count the votes and declare me the winner!”

“How did Brittany only get four votes, this dino-prom theme was a smash”

“I guess you deserve to win right? What with being a crip and all”

“It would be boring if we weren’t so awesome”

Props

“Britt and I are gay and Mercedes is black, so kicking us out would be a hate crime”

Nationals

“You know what, hey I don’t want to hear any of this ‘we can’t do it without her’ because guess what we don’t have a choice so be warned if you are not giving this everything you’ve got I will go all Lima Heights on your sorry asses”

“I know I’m sorry I always go to the yelling place, I have rage”

Santana: “The Unholy Trinity. Starting together, ending together”

Brittany: “Just the way it should be”

Goodbye

“That was the most ghetto number I’ve ever seen”

“If this was happening to anybody else I’d be extremely jealous but it’s really cool. Congratulations”

“This is embarrassing, I’m a star so what am I doing heading to Kentucky? I’m just as talented as Mercedes, Boy Chang, Berry or Lady Hummel”

Maribel: “When she was 8 she went trick or treating as Uncle Jesse on full house. Spent two years growing out that hair. Business in the front…                                                                                              

Maribel and Santana: “Party in the back!”

Season 4

Britney 2.0

“Britt, I’m so sorry Sue was so mean to you.”

The Break-Up

“I mean I’m not jealous, it’s just think that it’s insane that all Porcelain had to do to get an internship with Vogue.com is take photos of every ridiculous outfit he’s ever paired with a cossack hat and a see through raincoat and then show up at an interview where he is lauded as a visionary because his jodhpurs happen to match his riding crop.”

“I heard a rumour that all the water in Louisville is just purified run off from the Kentucky Derby Stables.”

“I promised myself I’d only do laundry at home that way no matter how busy I got I would be forced to come home every few weeks and then I’d get to see you.”

Brittany: “ I was up late last night reading ‘Desecration: Anti-Christ takes the throne’. It’s the ninth book in the Left Behind series of the apocalyptic Christian novels about the end times and the rise of the Anti Christ whose name is Nicoli Carpethea or Barack Obama depending on who you ask.”

Santana: “Britt those Left Behind books are really intense, what teacher is making you read those? And don’t tell me Mr.Shue is doing Christian music week.”

“Hi (to Kitty) I have a question, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Sophmore year I used to sit in this back row and secretly watch you. I counted the number of times you’d smile and me and I’d die on the days that you didn’t. I miss this place so much, it’s where we fell in love. Where I could say things with music when words just weren’t enough.”

Brittany: “I would never cheat on you”

Santana: “I know. And I would never cheat on you either.”

“You know I will always love you the most”

Glease

“I was born to play this role, I known it by heart since I was one Artie, c'mon”

Brittany: “I’m really glad you came back to play Rizzo. I feel bad for Mercedes but if her parents want her to be a boy then I guess it makes sense. I miss you”

Santana: “I miss you too. The only reason why I agreed to do this play was so that i could see you again”

Brittany: “Well I’m not dating anybody new boy or girl”

Santana: “Britt, we talked about it this and it’d be fine if you were, I’m glad that you’re not”

Brittany: “Are you nervous about your big number?”

Santana: “Oh god no, it’s all about the attitude I’m just gonna do what I did in America in West Side story last year”

Thanksgiving

Quinn: “Birth control…”

Kitty: “You’re so funny and self deprecating. We’re so much alike”

Santana: “Wanky”

“Lumps, let me just say outloud what everyone here is thinking, you finally got an okay haircut, you’re not doing that annoying half smirk as much as you used to but you’re still an idiot. No-one in this room can tackle a massive dance number except for Britt and that includes your little hand-jive, which to me looked more like a handjo…”

“We are winners, which is why Finn has asked us to shower you with the inspiration that is, The Unholy Trinity”

“That bitch is pure evil”

Marley: “Why are you going through my bag?”

Santana: “It’s all part of being a mentor, what is this? Hmm? And don’t tell me it's because the cafeteria food binds you up”

“Pretty little liar gave them to her. I can sense it thanks to my psychic Mexican third eye”

“And why would I be jealous of you? And please don’t tell me it’s because you’re in some lame secret Nazi sorority”

“Wow, Twttier update! Quinn is all excited about another guy defining her life”

Quinn: “Really you’re just a scared little girl with low self esteem who's too frightened to chase her dreams”

Santana: “Did Prof. Patches teach you that between quickies on his office couch? Does he get so turned on by teen moms who barely visit their kid?”

“Quinn always was a genius slapper”

Naked

“Lady Hummel called begging us to do an emergency intervention. We’re also here to shop”

Quinn: “And we’re here to apologise to Quinn for slapping her across the face very very hard…”

Santana: “In theory”

“Topless is as nude as anyone is ever gonna want to see you.”

“You’ll get to feel the nice cool breeze on them 'squito bites”

“Booyah. That will exist forever”

Rachel: Santana, some women find it empowering to be naked in a film" 

Santana: “Yes but not in a student film that is probably about someones grandmother with Alzheimers”

“I’m in no rush to get back to Kentucky. I think I could get used to it here in New York. It’s more my speed”

Diva

“I just left a comment on my favourite Rizzoli and Isles lesbian sub text blog when I heard the news”

“And I didn’t even have to lay out a line of cereal for you to find me”

“But no, she chose you, the one person she knew would send my brain straight to Lima Heights”

“Listen up Lipsy McChapstick”

“Soon as Brittany realises that you are the most boring human being on the planet and that your impressions suck..”

“First I’m, gonna cut off the Sam sized tumour on her heart then I’m gonna start the long slow process of cleaning the stink of your mediocrity off of her”

“Never”

“I hated it there, everyone thought I was being a bitch when all I was doing was being brutally honest with people”

“I mean, Sam’s most redeeming quality is that he can bore you to sleep and you can use his lips as ginormous pillows”

“I just want you to aim higher”

“You have no idea what it’s like out there in the real world, nobody gives a damn about you”

“You really are a genius, Brittany and you’re my best friend”

I Do

“It is a carrot top convention”

Santana: “I am so over this and it hasn’t even started yet, I’m clearly the hottest bitch in this lusy joint but I’m all alone stuck here sitting with you”

Quinn: “Do you want me to slap you again?”

Santana:“ I hate weddings and I hate Valentine’s Day, they were invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope”

Quinn: “Do you know what I hate? Men. Every single one of them is a pig except maybe Mr.Schue and Al Roker….”

Santana: “Al Roker is disgusting by the way”

“I have been chosen, probably because I am numb to other people’s feelings to come here and ask what you would like to do Mr.Schue”

Mr. Schue: “About what”?

“About the reception. Ms Pillsbury’s parents said they paid for the whole thing so might as well go ahead and have the party, if you ask me they seem pretty happy about what happened”

Santana: “I’m 25, name’s Rosario Cruz, I might be related to Penelope. you?”

Quinn: “Emily Stark, barely legal”

Santana “Well that;’s good coz I hear your professors are into that. You know we always were 2 ends of the same bitch goddess spectrum. Maybe that;s why we love each other so much. And slap each other.

“Look at those romantic saps…" 

Quinn: "So that’s why college girls experiment”

Santana: “And thank god they do”

“Look you don;t ahve to worry, I’m not gonna show up at your house with a U-Haul”

Quinn: “So what happens next”?

Santana: “Well you could walk out first or we could make it a two time thing”?

Girls and Boys (On Film)

“It’s like Eli Roth decided to make a gay horror movie and this is the scene right before we eat each other”

 "So where are you from Dr.Who?“

Santana: "Are you guys dating because at Mr.Schue’s bomb of a wedding you and Blaine like….”

Kurt: “Shut up, Santana. Rachel and I are letting you live here rent free the least you can do is…”

Santana: “Where is Rachel anyway, giving that living mannequin a bikini wax?”

Adam: “Brody is at work and Rachel is in the bathroom”

Santana: “Let’s hope she’s embracing her inner bulimic because let me tell you home girl has been looking extremely pumpkin like and not just because of the tan in the can”

“Knocked Up, hilarity. Rosemary’s Baby, that’s obviously Lady Hummel’s and She’s Having a Baby”

Santana: “I would have thought you were crying because you and Blaine used to talk about how it was your dream to sing this song to each other at your wedding”

Kurt: “Did we”

Santana: “Yeah I remember you telling me singing this song to someone was a more intimate act that sex”

“I have something to say and I’ve tried to keep it to myself but I will be silent no longer…that Brody character is a freaking psycho. Listen, when I first met him totally thought he was weird he smelt all talcumy like a cabbage patch doll and then he said I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I had my first makeover and I was like 'what does that even mean?’ like 'who are you?’ ”

Adam: “Come on Brody’s a sweetheart”

“That’s what I told myself I said so what if he's completely hairless and made out of plastic. I’m gonna look past the fact that he probably has a disgusting pornstar landing strip. I’m gonna give Lars and the Real Boy one more chance…”

“Oh okay, I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in and goes through all your stuff you’re offended”

Adam: “Just because he has a little money on him doesn’t mean he’s a psycho”

Santana: “That’s what I thought, right. Who cares if he’s terrified of banks because, if I were made out of plastic, I’d be scared of a lot of things too, open flames, barbecues…”

“If I see one more scene of Satine coughing blood up into a handkerchief I’m gonna start coughing up blood into a handkerchief”

“What about Brody’s vote, or do drug dealers not get to vote?”

“Okay, New York may be disgusting, especially when it’s covered in grey, nasty snow and the people may be horrible and rude and some smelly homeless man in pee stained tighty whiteys may have groped me on the subway and then asked for a dollar but I’ve gots to say I finally feel like I have found my people.”

“Where are the Hardy Boys? Investigating the mystery of 'god could you be any more annoying’?”

Santana: “And Pablo Escabar, did he ever come home?”

Rachel: “Brody is in the shower”

Santana: “Where he will be for the next hour scrubbing the drug shame off his frictionless body”

—–

Santana: “…I want to talk to you about what I found in your bathroom trash can underneath a lot of duck tissue paper, used cotton swabs and the soiled acne wipes, an item which, unless Lady Hummel has actually been a lady all these years, could have only been yours”

Rachel: “I don’t know what your talking about”

Santana: “Rachel, your really not gonna tell me about the stick?”

Rachel: “You had no right”

Santana: “Rachel I’m your friend, trust me, tell me what’s going on”

*Rachel breaks down into tears*

Santana: “God, you’re gonna be okay, it’s okay, it;s gonna be okay”

Feud

“This is an opportunity to take a hard look at the choices you’re making and where your life is heading…starting with donkey face”

“Well well well it looks like donkey faces crap is still here. and if donkey faces crap is still here that means that he must be as well”

“I went to school with Rachel Berry not the soggy mess of a woman that stands before me today going back and forth between a flop high school ex and that terrifying waiter with a pager”

“My psychic Mexican third eye is never wrong”

“Just don’t get too close girls, unless you’re immune to the herps”

“Don’t apply logic to Lopez”

“I’ve got moves your mannequin ass couldn’t handle”

Another thing I am, a hardcore friend. Rachel and Kurt are my family so let me tell you how it’s gonna be. You’re gonna move out of our apartment tonight or I could dig a little deeper and destroy you”

“Guess who just just got a job tending bar at the Coyote Ugly saloon…hopefully it bodes better for me than any of the has-beens that starred in that movie”

Rachel: “Santana if you could just take a seat please and join us for a little family loft conversation”

Santana: “Creepy but okay”

“That was the best performance that place has seen in years”

“Olsen twins, let me tell you something, I have known you both for years but I don’t like either of you 90% of the time, in fact your wide eyed keen painting approach to life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage but you know what, I have love for you. You’re my family and I haven’t lied to you in months. I’m smarter about other people than the both of you, you have to trust me”

“I ran into Lena Dunham at Barney’s and she told me that I could crash with her if I ever needed to so that’s cool because she has 2 golden globes. And you know what, another thing, I have what access Hollywood calls street smarts. I’m right about plastic man”

“Okay well I’m gonna leave you two alone for a little girl talk. Have fun”

Guilty Pleasures

Santana: “I don’t even think you need all these beauty products Rachel because they’re not really having the desired effect, unless your goal is to look like a reject from the Shosby Sunset”

Kurt: “One, Rachel’s beautiful two, you’re a bitch and those are my products okay, and maybe if you used them you wouldn’t have more oil than the Middle East on your face”

Santana: “That’s really funny, you wanna play with me Kurt? Coz I can play, all day, every day. What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways?”

Kurt: “We had a pact”

Santana: “What if I broke that pact huh? What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofer”

 “Oh la la Rachel Berry in a towel. How could Brody give all that up?”

 Rachel: “You know we first met in the bathroom bonding over out moisturising ritual”

Santana: “Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very very gay. Is that why he left, did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side”

 —-

Santana: “You don’t need him, you’ve got friends right here”

Rachel: “What, friends who mock my looks and undermine my confidence?”

Santana: “No, friends who cheer you up by playing pranks on your other friend. Maybe a mascara moustache for Lady Hummel which would probably be the only facial hair he’s ever had”

 —–

Kurt: “It just offers you a nice protective arm around you while you sleep at night”

Santana: “Hey, I mean it’s probably safer than trolling grinder for man whore”

 “Oh my god Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change. That’s so sweet”

 “If you ever tell anyone about this I have no ethical problems with homicide”

 “Ok, no I’m sorry’ it is over and it’s gonna stay over. I was wrong about Brody being a drug dealer, but I was just wrong about what he was selling. Your boyfriend wasn’t a cater waiter he was a gigolo. Like Magic Mike with happy endings for money”

 “This is crazy, this show is like crack. I cannot believe this was on regular TV”

 “Please tell me that this chick on the motorcycle and that super bitch get together in the end”

 “That depends on what happened with you and the American Psycho”

Lights Out

“Found this out by the dumpster, a little TLC and 3 clicks from Kurt's ruby slippers this bad boy would be salvageable”

“Ok Rachel if you’re still obsessing about what you’re going to sing at your Funny Girl callback may I suggest your best jam ever, Run Joey Run”

“Maybe I don’t want to be in Funny Girl, or be a singing waiter in the fire island pancake shack. So why don’t you just stop trying to force your creepy old time Broadway dreams into my awesome dream”

“What is so wrong with taking a little time to figure things out?”

“My 'motor’ is revved every night that I cage dance and while I appreciate your pity I don’t really think I need to be taking advice from TV’s Blossom and Lady Elaine Fairchild”

Rachel: “The NYC Ballet Gala, duh”

Kurt: “And guess who gets to attend and just volunteered a few short hours..”

Santana: “Anne Hathaway”

“Just when you thought it couldn’t get any gayer…it does”

“And I skipped all that crap (ballet) to study the timeless art of crunk”

“Shut.Up.Berry. I actually did take ballet classes. My abuela put me in them when I was little because I was such a tomboy and it would really piss my Dad off. I only took a few lessons but it helped me escape a little you know, it was the first time I danced. I felt safe there and not different, part of something…beautiful”

“Listen I really love dancing but I’m not like you guys. I don’t what I’m going to do or how I’m going to get there”

Instructor: “You’re late”

Santana: “I like to make an entrance and if we’re really gonna talk about late can you say something to gramps here”

Instructor: “…I hope none of you were thinking it would help you get into NYADA as a student”

Santana: “Good. Because the last thing I want to do is pay $30,000 a year to get a degree in something I’m already freakin’ Wonderwoman at”

Instructor: “Then what are you doing here?

Santana: “I love to dance. I’m an artist but I’ve sort of lost touch with that part of myself lately so I’m here to do some reintroducing”

 —-

Little Santana: “Don’t forget me again, okay?”

Santana: “I won’t, I promise. I’ve got you now”

All or Nothing

Santana: "I’m sorry did Hell freeze over or did you just white chocolate butt dial me?“

Sam: "It’s about Brittany”

Santana: “Obviously”

Sam: “She broke up with me”

Santana: “inevitably”

“Are we sure it’s not just Brittany 3.0 week in glee club?”

Brittany: “True or false, Lady Hummel and Grandma Berry both play bingo down at the VA and knit alpaca mittens on Saturday nights?”

Santana: “No, totally false, I wish they were that exciting”

“You’re acting like a completely different person and it’s making me sad”

“Britt, I still care about you as a person as a friend”

(to Emma) “No wonder you’re nervous, you’re wearing white. That’s not exactly your lucky colour”

“You do have to say anything Brittany”

Season 5

Love, love love

“Rachel, you are not backing out I basically had to show Gunther my left side-boob to get you this job”

“Don’t tell him if you’re Jewish or black”

“We’re basically working actresses”

Rachel: “Let’s get out of here”

Santana: “Wait after all of that?”

Tina In The Sky With Diamonds

Rachel: “…show that we’re talented enough to make it in this insane business”

Santana: “Ok well one of us sort of already did. I booked a commercial. It’s a little embarrassing because it was for that yeast infection medication Yeast-I-Stat…”

“Let’s face it there are good kinds of yeast and bad kinds of yeast. But bad yeast goes skat with Yeast-I-Stat Burns and itches are a thing of the past and its 7 step easy application makes feeling fresh a breeze. I like yeast in my bagel but not in my muffin”

Santana: “I dig your name, so do you think that your parents knew that you were going to grow up to be a lesbian, giving you a boy name?

Dani: "I’m not a lesbian”

Santana: “Oh…uh…you just wear so much of eyeliner”

—–

Santana: “My parents were pretty cool, grandma not so much. i had a girlfriend, she was bi.”

Dani: “Any chance of you guys getting back together?”

Santana: “I love her but um that’s over”

Dani: “I mean it’s probably for the best. I think you need a 100% sapphic goddess”

Santana:“Um I think I’m gonna go get the salt…the salt shakers

—-

Santana: ”Help me *adorable but sexy noise* I’m getting that stinking panic sweat under my boobs”

Rachel: “Why she’s cute…”

Santana: “I’ve never been with an actual lesbian, it’s been all bi-sexuals like Brittany or college girls trying to experiment

Rachel: ”You’re scared, I’ve never seen you scared before. It’s so cute".

Santana: “You tell no one of this, seriously. I think that I might like her an it is terrifying”

Rachel: “Listen she seems like a really smart girl and if she’s a smart girl then she’s not going to miss out on a opportunity to be with someone as amazing as you”

Santana: “You’re right”

“Mazel Berry it looks like your going to make it through your first graveyard shift without collapsing”

“Where do you think you’re going? You still have 10 minutes and 2 dozen  sugar caddies to caddy”

“No you are not playing Yenta the lesbian matchmaker”

“I think I need an agent. I guess those contracts I signed for those commercials said I waved my rights to residuals in exchange for a lifetime of Yeast-I-Stat. Although I don’t know whose toxic vaginas need that much of that stuff. I mean if you’re producing that much yeast you should probably start a bakery”

 "Isn’t it amazing how easy life seems when you just don’t give a fart. I mean Hummel is getting married, Berry is full of confidence and I finally have a girlfriend who I don’t have to worry about straying for penis"

“Gunther that’s my Yeast-I-Stat what the hell”

The Quarterback (RIP Cory Monteith)

Santana:  “You wanted that memorial gone because you’re such a cold-hearted bitch”

Sue:  “What did you just call me?”

Santana:  “A miserable, self-centred bitch who has spent every waking minute of the past three years trying to make our lives miserable. I’m officially over it

Sue:  “I don’t care for your attitude”

Santana:  “Well, I don’t give a hot wet monkey’s ass what you care for, you’re not my principal, see I don’t go here anymore Sue and that means I can finally tell you exactly what I think of you. I have hated you ever since the day I met you. You’re a horrible person who never had a nice word to say about Finn Hudson so don’t you dare think for a second that he didn’t hate you too”

Sue:  “If I were you I’d choose my next few words very carefully”

Santana:  “What are you going to you, are you going to expel me?”

 ——

Sue: “Donna call the police”

Santana: “Donna you pick up that phone and I swear to god I will shove my foot so far up your…”

Sue: “That is assault”

Santana: “No this is assault”

“Okay, I know that Finn had his doubts about God but I am convinced that Squishy Teets is up in heaven right now plopped down next to his new best friend Fat Elvis helping themselves to a picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butterscotch pudding and TaterTot grease so this is for you Hudson”

Santana:  “I had this whole plan to surprise everyone and not be a bitch for once in my life and say all these nice things about Finn and then at the last minute I chickened out. I even wrote them down”

Kurt: “Would you read it to me?”

Santana:  “No I can’t it’s too embarrassing, they’re like, really nice”

“When we had sex Finn never stopped asking me if I was okay the whole time and he meant it. One time Becky Jackson left a piece of chocolate birthday cake on my chair and when I sat on it it looked like I pooped my pants and so Finn walked behind me until I could get out of school so no-one saw my chocolate butt and though that I had messed myself”

“He was a much better person than I am”

“Not the tree, Finn’s jacket. I went for a lie down in the nurses office, hung it up by the coat rack by her door and when I woke up from my grief siesta it was gone”

“No me gusta”

Will: “That’s a hefty reward”

Santana: “It’s not a reward it’s bait, I’m gonna kick the crap out of whoever brings that jacket back”

—–

Santana:  “New York, that’s my home now. I’m not coming back for a while now, more than a while, maybe never. I used to love coming here but now this just reminds me of everything I’ve lost”

Will: “ I understand, you should go”

Santana: “Geez Mr Schue, you don’t have to brush me out of the door”

 A Katy or A Gaga

Santana: “No-one is going to try out for a band that doesn’t even have a name, although I came up with an amazing one…”

Kurt: “We are not naming the band The Apoco-lipsticks. I am manifesting the perfect name it takes time”

Santana: “Yeah, and in the meantime no-one signs up”

“Bravo! I would not be embarrassed to share the same stage with you”

 “…I’m sorry would you mind just stepping outside for a moment while I bitch-slap some sense into my friend”

Santana: “Intermission’s over and you have a fiancé so stop flirting”

Kurt: “Santana this is Elliot Gilbert, aka Starchild”

Santana: “Oh well hot damn”

—-

Kurt: “Sure, we’ll just call ourselves The Areolas”

Santana: “Nope, Areola 51, get the sci-fi geeks”

Kurt: “I was just being sarcastic”

Santana: “No you were actually just being the no-bot. How about you pitch something instead of shooting down everything that we’re coming up with?”

“Oh yo girl how was rehearsal?”

Rachel: “What are you guys doing?”

Santana: “Beating our heads up against the wall trying to come up with a name for the band that pleases the Queen”

 Movin’ Out

“No, no, no, no, no. Do you see this? This is what’s going to happen from every argument or discussion or meal from now on. It’s gonna end in a freaking sing-a-long. It’s bad enough we need to be singing waiters. Okay? I can’t have this in my home. I need my peaceful place.”

“Seriously, you all need to be stopped”

Santana: “We don’t have room for this”

Kurt: “Um, yes we do right there”

Santana: “Okay seriously I’m not going to be able to survive if you and your haggle berry (?) are going to be tickling those ivories belting out gay hits from Rent and Showboat all day”

Puppet Masters

“No we cannot debut there, that is instant career suicide”

“Good work, fearless leader”

“Okay, that is creepy as hell”

Previously Unaired Christmas

“Well, Merry Christmas Lady Hummel. Now you can relive all your Jeffrey Dahmer fantasies in the privacy of your own home. And that’s not it because additionally I am giving you an all expenses paid trip to Dildo Island. It’s a real place, it’s in Canada. I got you the deluxe bachelor package”

“You know what I will tell you, I actually think you’ve become more of a Grandma Moses since moving to New York. I mean, you just had a traumatic break-up with Princess Valiant, you’re single, you should be living it up”

Kurt: “All of these aren’t for us are they?”

Santana: “Oh no no no, you got your decapitated head and one of these for Berry; a gallon jug of Proactiv solution and a booklet of JetBlue vouchers. The rest are for me. After what happened with Brittany I prescribed myself a little retail therapy. Couldn’t be in Lima right now, not with her there, it’s too soon. But now I have to book myself a hotel.

Kurt: “In New York City during the holidays. Are you crazy Do you know how expensive that’s going to be?”

Santana: “Calm down Joyce Dewitt, it’s gonna fine. Don’t you remember that money my Mom gave me at graduation?”

Kurt: “You’re college fund? Please tell me you didn’t spend it all on post break up gifts”

Santana: “No just half”

“Feliz navidad! I decided that I wanted to do something a little different for the holidays this year”

“Do you think they’ll let me keep this when we’re done because I am loving this look on me. Lord of the Bling”

“Okay this crowd is about to get fugly.” 

“I am taking a much needed break. It is exhausting playing a slutty elf”

“No, no you play Mrs Clause Lady Hummel. You were born to play Mrs Clause and Mrs Butterworth and Bee Arthur and Barbra Bush”

“Merry Christmas Who’s ready to sit on my lap?”

Santana: “And what would you like for Christmas?”

Kid: “I want a Doctor McStuffins Time for a Check Up Doll”

Santana: “Well that sounds like a little molesty. I mean I didn’t start playing doctor till I was 9”

“I think that somebody needs to freeze the fat for Christmas because somebody weighs more than Mrs Clause”

“Whoa stop right there. You look a little Jewish, right Rachel?”

“I think, did you…I think he pooped in his pants”

Kid: “I want a kinder college learning laptop”

Santana: “Why don’t we just get you an i-pad you can’t even get porn on what you just asked me for”

“You look exactly like a young Brittany S Pierce. Doesn’t she? Brittany is my ex-girlfriend and she just dumped me which is why I’m even here and why I have this job. And we’re lesbians, you know and like, I’ve never been with….”

“I think you should ask Santa to get your daddy a job with dental benefits because your grill is freakin’ jacked up, do you see this?”

“I think that Mrs Clause needs a break. This is going well right?”

“OK, even I’ll admit that my girl loving vagina is feeling a little bit jingle bell from you, but we don’t need your help”

Kurt: “Are we all set in there?”

Santana: “If by all set you mean did I light the candy cane scented candles on the toilet then yes we are all set”

Kurt: “Are we all set in there?”

Santana: “If by all set you mean did I light the candy cane scented candles on the toilet then yes we are all set”

“So, uh, you got any tricks in that bag Santa?”

Kurt: “What’s the matter Santana, you jealous?”

Santana: “No I’m disgusted and also impressed. Who knew the queen of England could be so trashy?”

“Oh, wanky”

Rachel: “Santana, wake up”

Santana: “Oh my god the last time I felt like this was when I was roofied at the Liltih Fair. Help me up”

“The last thing I remember was Lady Hummel bouncing quarters of Santa’s abs"

“Rachel, another one of your crazy jobs? We barely survived the first one”

Frenemies

“No, I need this job. I am saving up to buy a noose to hang myself with”

“It’s not what I expected, I’m awesome. I thought I’d come here and everyone would see that too”

“Now everywhere I go I am known as the girl with the raging yeast infection. The other day some customers made me take their toast back because looking at me made them loose their appetite for any bread products”

“Quinn and Britt hated you too mainly because you sucked so bad and you walked with that weird feet pointing out thing. I made Quinn look like the boss but I was really running the hate-on-Rachel parade”

Rachel: “I’m going to be on the cover of New York magazine”

Santana: “Oh my god, that’s awesome I’m totally pretending not to be jealous. No I’m just kidding that’s really cool”

“Hells yes I’m in, right after I spit in these eggs”

“I really hope I can be as cool as you when the roles are reversed. You’re a really good friend”

“Berry ,Berry, you look amazing. Own it; you are exactly where you’re supposed to be”

Rachel: “Why did you audition without telling me?”

Santana: “Well because I figured we were going to fight about it anyway so we might as well go at it afterwards that way you don’t have a chance to torpedo me”

Rachel: “I just got you on the cover of New York magazine!”

Santana: “In the background, you were practically gloating about it”

 "Well, at least we know who the rainbow is and who’s the dog"

“Ok, you know what, just admit that even with all of your years of singing lessons and dancing lessons and only child admiration from your gay Broadway dads, that I am just as good as you. Unlike you I can be popular in high school and still make it big after graduation. Just admit that no matter what you do or how far you go you will never be able to scratch that itch, you will never be able to look down on me and redeem yourself because I was better than you then and I’m always going to be better than you. You are short, you are awful and that is never going to change”

“I’ll see you at rehearsals Berry, I’m your new understudy”

“Putting make up on, I have some bruising on my cheek that I would like to cover up before rehearsal”

“So sorry, I totally forgot how much room you need for all that hooker make up you plaster on everyday”

“I would love for things to get physical I will hit you so hard you won’t be able to wake up until you’re old enough to be Funny Lady”

Rachel: “Even then I will come back from the dead to play this part just to spite you”

Santana: “Zombie Fanny”

“I have paid rent here for 3 months even though I never actually got to have a bed, I have squatter’s rights”

“Look at that Pasty Gay is siding with me”

“No, no, let her go. Leave the mattress though would you?”

Trio

“Lady Hummel, come here I need your tiny delicate elf thin like fingers to help me fasten this weave”

“It’s all a part of my master plan to psyche out Berry so I can play Fanny Brice. First, comes some amazing hair, then incredibly sexy rehearsal clothes which she could never pull off, then I’m gonna sneak into the theatre and tack up yearbook photos of her from sophomore year when she was a chunky little butterball just to remind her, hey once a fatty, always a fatty. With God as my witness, I will break her down”

“If you knew Berry the way all of us did, you’d be applauding me. In the beginning it’s all sunshine and giggles and stickers and then the second that you want the same thing as her a dark cloud comes over her whiskery little chin and she will chew you up and spit her out like a Jewish Hilary Clinton”

Eliot: “I’m actually just here to get her sheet music, do you know where she keeps it?”

Santana: “Up her butt”

“You need money? Well maybe Aunty Snix could help you out with that”

“Actually, I am paying Eliot to run lines with me and they are going to be letter perfect by the time you have the tragic accident that sidelines you and leaves you horribly disfigured, or did that already happen, I can’t tell”

“If you can clear out some space for us here I’d be happy to settle this Lima Heights style, two men enter one man leaves”

“I’m gonna break something but you are literally the most selfish bitch I’ve ever met”

“Blink 182 hated each other and still found away to continue to suck as a band for years”

“Just for tonight and only because I don’t want to get your blood all over my outfit”

“Why are you digging through my panty drawer, lezzie?”

“Okay can we just talk for a second how you used to have a draw dedicated entirely to scented candles?”

“There was an opportunity and I took it, you would have done the same thing and then you would have fought to take down whoever was in your way, even if it was me”

City Of Angels

Kurt: “Oh my god”

Santana: “Now what? Your band booked a huge gig and are playing a show at the Union Square subway station?”

Rachel: “What, you wanna know so you can steal his dream too?”

Santana: “Exactly…”

100

“See you all cheer now but just wait till he starts rapping”

“What do you say you and I reunite a little threesome called the Unholy Trinity?”

“Well, you were amazing as usual”

“What are you talking about? You’re the most amazing dancer I know”

“Hi, Santana Lopez, word on the street is you’re old money. I’m a lesbian but totally into that”

“How’d you cover up the tatto? By magic?”

“Wait, so we have to listen to Kurt shred that note again?”

“This is freaking me out. This is not you. You love to dance, I know you think you’re a little rusty now but you’ll get it back. I’ll prove it to you. Let’s do a number together”

“Hold up, hold up PRivate Puckerman. I’m gonna let you finish but I’d like to uphold the tradition of hijacking this glee club and making everybody sit through what is basically an intervention. Mr Schue you said we could redo some of our favourite numbers right? Well, I want to do a duet with Brittany”

“See this is who you are, this is what happens when you don’t think about it”

Santana: “Excuse me, Schuester, before we cast another pointless vote in a meaningless contest that has absolutely no practical ramifications whatsoever I would like to say a few words about my good friend Rachel Berry. Rachel Berry is the most horrible human being on the whole planet”

Rachel: “What?”

Santana: “Can it, troll. You have sold half the people in this room down the river more times than I can count so that you can get a solo or the lead in a musical and I’m pretty sure you don’t know the names of the other half of the people”

Rachel: “That’s not true”

Santana: “Alright, what’s his name? *points to Ryder*

Rachel: “Exactly. Thank you. See you’ve all met Rachel but I live with her. Let me tell you what it’s like to share a bathroom with a stubby undergrown little creep. Someone in that apartment shaves their face and leaves their stubble in the sink and we all know it ain’t Kurt so do the math”

Rachel: “That’s a lie”

Santana: “ You know what else is a lie? When you won prom queen. Yeah that’s right you didn’t win okay. Everybody just felt really bad for you and the two people you hate most in this whole world stuffed the ballot box so you would win”

“Well, I feel so much better”

“This is so not cool. They can’t just chain you to a chair and keep you as their math monkey”

“Please don’t do this okay, I have worked my ass off to get over you ”

“You know this is crazy because I couldn’t really give two poops about this place but this is really getting to me”

New Directions

“I’m serious open the G-damn door”

 "You are forgetting the one thing that you should have learned from all our magical time together, it’s that I have no heart”

“Go ahead please because if I don’t express my venom at least once a day I get constipated”

“The only reason you’re doing this for me is because you know I’m gonna go all showgirls on you and win”

“Brittany I love you but running away with me and living on a lesbian island is not what you want to do”

“Just because you’re an amazing mathematical mind and can solve all the world’s problems doesn’t mean that you have to. It’s not your dream, neither is being with me”

“A star is a star it doesn’t matter where in the sky I shine”

“I’m gonna be rich and famous and this is a great first step for me. Besides I’m not gonna let that dwarf Berry win”

“You know it’s funny. I’ve spent months tangled up in knots and in 5 minutes you straighten me out. You really are a genius”

“You have been dreaming about this role since you were in gay utero and you have actually worked your tiny butt off to get it and I’m coming and sucking all the celebration out of it”

“I texted gay face director ten minutes ago and said ‘I hereby resign as US of this production of FG. Don’t get all sentimental on me or anything like that. I’m really happy for you but I didn’t do this for you I did this entirely for myself”

“Fine. But I’m not going to sing some tired old song that we’ve already done. Cause Santana Lopez is way too badass for that”

Quinn: “I’d rather do hard with you than easy with somebody else”

Santana: “Wanky”

Quinn: “Santana for once I’d appreciate if you’d keep your inevitable snark to yourself”

Santana: “No, no look I’ve gotta be honest I really like this pairing”

“It may seem a little weird to you but back here in the dark ages it was still crazy for girls to love girls and guys to love guys but your Dad made sure that we felt same loving whoever we chose”

“I called in some favours with Sue. I figured that everybody deserves a high school graduation even if it’s a year late”

“I was doing some research on Lesbos island and it turns out it’s not chock full of lesbians it’s full of German tourists so I bought us return tickets. I think we should go to Lesbos first then Hawaii for a couple of weeks and then come home

“I want you to come to NY with me. Is that a yes?”

“The struggle continues but at least I know I’m not alone” (throwback to 3x7 I Kissed A Girl)

Opening Night

Rachel: “There’s nothing on the hanger!”

Santana: "Yes well apparently the emperor wears no clothes"

——-

Rachel: “You’re the best they could do?”

Santana: “Hells yes, because I am the closer and in 2 minutes you are going to be out of this bed and ready to fist fight the Taliban and offering to buy me a diamond necklace.”

 “Okay, okay seriously I don’t do pep talks. If you want a pep talk you should call Mr. Schue or rent The Notebook.”

 “You suck at so many things, but not this. And the thing is that you don’t even have to believe me or yourself, all you have to do is get on that stage and open your mouth. You can’t do this badly; you don’t actually have it in you. You and I only have 2 speeds, awesome or not at all. Who gives a crap what all the other peasants think.”

  “I can’t stand you 90% of the time but even I know that if you drag your flat little ass out on that stage tonight you’re gonna murder that crowd.”

 “Who wants to rub my feet? I haven’t danced that hard since Nationals two years ago?”

 Sue: “And if I were you I’d put something down on that couch before I’d sit on it”

Santana: “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get up, get up”

 ———-

Santana: “Open it. OPEN IT. Open it I’m cold. Can you open it?”

Rachel: “No, I can’t, I can’t do it Kurt you’re gonna have to read it”

Kurt: “No, I can’t I’m too nervous”

Santana: “You know what give me this; I don’t mind being the bearer of bad news”

The Back Up Plan

 “I would kill to be you right now, thinking about creating the perfect single to save my record deal”

“Didn’t you say you moved to New York so you could get more of a New York vibe? Well, this fish tank could be anywhere, L.A, Lima, Lesbos. Maybe for your last song you need to get out from behind the glass.”

“This is your big chance and it should be all about you, you know and I really appreciate what you tried to do for me here but I know what I would do if I was in your position. I’m just not worth it”

“Okay you know what, you are literally insane. You need to take this contract, rip it up, apologise to DeShaun and do that song by yourself”

Mercedes: “We both know who the top bitches of that Glee club were”

Santana: “Point taken. But see I think that I’ve proven that I’m not the world’s best friend”

“Stop just stop, all of your ideas are horrible. No one is getting fired and yes, I actually do have a better idea”

Sidney: “What the hell are you doing here?”

Santana: “I’m going on as Fanny”

Sidney: I thought you quit?”

Santana: “I guess I could quit again if you want to spend the next couple of hours handing our refunds”

Sidney: “Where’s Rachel?”

Santana: “She’s not here, but I am and trust me, Sidney, I’ve got this”

Rachel: “I emailed Rupert and Sidney and explained the whole situation to them and all I got back was an email saying I had to come in for a mandatory meeting tomorrow”

Santana: “You are so screwed”

“I had a blast actually; I mean that Broadway stuff is fun if you only have to do it once”

Rachel: “Well I wanted to see what you wanted in return”

Santana: “Is that the kind of friend that you think that I am? Yeah okay, I get it, I get how I could come off that way but let’s just use this as an example of the kind of friend that I’m trying to be now”

Rachel: “Why the sudden thawing of your icy heart?” Santana: “Well, because I realised that the world is even colder than I am and the only thing you can do to keep from freezing to death is have good friends around you to keep you warm. So, I decided that I wanted to use my bitch powers to protect the people that I care about and I guess that means that I care about you. Don’t tell anyone”

“Listen I don’t know what Sidney is going to do to you tomorrow, maybe he’ll fire you, I know I would, but I also know that you are the type of person that can’t be held down. You’re this huge talent it’s like Russell Crowe and Johnny Carson, no matter how awful you are people are always going to want to work with you”

Old Dog, New Tricks

“Dark as in there is no performances or dark as in it’s kind of a downer”

Santana: “You can’t expect total strangers to know exactly who you are, I mean look at Angelina Jolie she sued to be that girl with the lisle of blood around her neck who liked to kiss her brother, now she’s Mother Earth”

Rachel: “How’d she do it?”

Santana: “Two things, publicist and a cause”

“Well, you don’t need a publicist when you’ve got Snix on your side. If there’s one thing I know about, it’s cultivating an image. In high school I was a huge bitch, but also most popular. I was voted best shoulder to cry on and most likely to poison someone”

Santana: “I’ve got it, I’ve got the perfect plan for how to get this thing off the ground. Later today you are going to take a couple of dogs for a walk around the block where paparazzi will be conveniently waiting, you’re gonna get snapped, give a quote, bam Broadway Bitches is off and running. I also snagged you this designer number by a designer that is so fancy I can’t even pronounce his name and if you wear it and get photographed in it you get to keep it for free

Rachel: “But how do we know that they’ll be there”

Santana: “I made a couple of calls and tweeted from your account and I used the hashtag ‘living’ so everyone will see it”

“No, no, no Kurt. This is not personal okay, this is about Rachel and her image and you are so good that you would just be pulling focus away from her”

“At least you were wearing underwear”

“Just stick to the plan and don’t go soft on me”

“No, sorry I can’t make it. As much as I would love to watch Homocchio and the geriatric puppets put on a depressing sub community theatre show, Rachel’s event is that night”

Santana: “It’s a three legged dog, who doesn’t love a lady holding three legged dog? You know, it’s like a free ticket to heaven”

Rachel: “You’re really good at this, have you ever thought about doing this professionally?” Santana: “Sure have, every time I watch Scandal”

 ——

Santana: “Okay, I’m so sorry lady but hand over the tri-pod, nobody will get hurt”

Woman adopting dog: “I get it I know who you (Rachel) are, I read the Broadway blogs…you don’t care about these dogs, I doubt you care much about anyone but yourself”

Santana: “Don’t listen to her, look at her shoes”

 “Santana Lopez, public relations. My motto is ‘if I can make Berry work ,I can do anything”

Season 6

Homecoming

“Ok, just remember sex sells”

“Listen, don’t you guys want to do more than just get shot out of canons, don’t you want to be a star?”

“Shut up Tina, there’s actually four (members). As per usual my undeniable sexual magnetism has worked yet again”

“Oh no, no I think I’ve made a terrible mistake”

Jagged Little Tapestry

Rachel: “Our first musical lesson is called Jagged Little Tapestry”

Santana: “Oh, look finally some songs about Rachel’s hair extensions”

“How about since you and Porcelain have some issues to iron out, Brittany and I will go first”

“You know I am pretty sure our fish ancestors crawled out of the ooze and got legs just to be able to scissor”

“I’m kind of digging this back to the future for Glee club if for no other reason than to mess with Berry and her sad gay”

“Aren’t we here to help get the Glee club back on top and don’t you think that teaching the power of a mash up would totally contribute to that?”

“I think that you and I should live in New York together. I want to go back to college, NYU or Columbia and you can just go wherever I get in, genius. How much fun would it be to be back in school together again?”

“Living my life with you is actually one of the few things that is as good as it is in my imagination”

“And I will love you until infinity too Britt”

Santana: “Britt can you take a seat please. I figured this is as good of a place as any to ask you this question, mainly because it’s really going to upset all the single guys and gals in here but I want to mash-up with you forever Britt. I mean, some people love someone because they make them a better person and that’s not why I love you because you’ve always wanted me to be myself. You’re my favourite person in the whole world and we’re a big deal, you know no matter how many times we’ve tried to put our thing down and walk away from it we can’t because I don’t want to love my life without my one true love. And I normally use a lot of words when I say something negative so since this is the most positive thing I’m ever going to do I’m going to keep it simple, Brittany. S. Pierce, will you marry me?

Brittany: “Oh my god I would love to. Yes.”

“Oh Kurt, can I have a word with you?”

Rachel: “I’m going to go”

“No unibrow, stay. Kurt I took what you said to heart, and I thought long and hard about it, and it occurred to me that you may have a point. Okay, maybe Brittany and I are too young to get married. I mean after all that’s why it didn’t work out with you and Blaine right. Or maybe it didn’t work out because you’re a judgmental little gerontophile with a mouth like a cat’s ass. Maybe Blaine got tired of hearing a shrill self aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement every time you so much as cooked macaroni and cheese together… or farted. Maybe Blaine didn’t want to be with someone who looks like they just removed their top row of dentures every time they smile. Or someone who doesn’t dress like an extra out of Andy Dick’s more elaborate wet dreams. Maybe Blaine grew weary of dating a breathier more feminine Quinn Fabray. Maybe he finally got freaked out by your strange obsession with old people that causes you to skulk around nursing homes like one of those cats that can smell cancer. Maybe he got tired of watching you drape yourself on every piano you happen pass to entertain exactly no one with, say some song that Judy Garland choked on her tongue in the middle of. Or some sassy old Broadway standard made famous by another dead alcoholic crone. Maybe Blaine woke up one day and said ‘You know what, I don’t want to marry a sexless self centered baton twirler. Maybe I need someone who knows more than three dance moves: the finger wag, the shoulder shimmy, and the one where you pretend to twirl two invisible rainbow colored ribbons attached to your hips.’ So you know what maybe that’s why it didn’t work out. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and Brittany. Maybe it’s just that you are utterly, utterly, intolerable. Maybe they has something to do with it.“

Quinn: “We’ve all lied at the beginning of a relationship”

Santana: “I told people I was straight”

“The real relationship can’t start until you stop being who you think the other person wants you to be and just be yourself, come what may”

“Sue also told us to be honest with you and treat you like we’d treat others so let’s just say it, you can’t sing, you can’t dance and you weren’t in any of those clubs because you’re lazy and pretty toxic to be around. You call people stupid bitches and get mad at xylophones. You’re not really a catch but you found this guy who digs you and you dig him too and finding someone to put up with you is rare. I mean all this in the nicest way”

What The World Needs Now

“Britt, I think that we can invite them but I don’t really think that Johnny Weir and Joan Byers are going to come”

 Santana: “You know when I was little we used to play wedding all the time. She would give me her veil and I would wrap her shawl around me like a dress, I would march down the aisle and she would hum the wedding march and then she would ask me what guy I was going to marry that day. My whole life I’ve dreamt of my wedding with her sitting in the front row, bawling, and believe me if I could get into her head and bring her into this century I would and I would forgive her and have her here, you know she’s my abuela, the lady with the big plates of rice and beans. But last I heard she was on Facebook, posting about her diverticulitis and trolling for sympathy.”

Brittany: “See it’s even more important she’s sick”

Santana:  “No, Britt, she can’t poop and I don’t think that’s going to kill her.”

 “Having her at my wedding means not marrying you and I choose you over everyone”

 Santana: “We need to talk, right now. Why do you think that it’s okay to go behind my back and be friends with someone who would rather see me dead than in love with another woman”

Brittany: “You came out to abuela 10 years ago, times have changed”

Santana: “It was 3 years ago and nothing has changed for her and it never will and believe me it’s not just the homos she has a problem with because it took that bitch 50 years to talk to a black person and it was her mailman and then she accused him of stealing her Christmas cards.”

Brittany: “Well did he?”

Santana: “No”

 Brittany: “Do you want a signed picture?”

Santana: “Please”

Brittany: “I’m sure you do”

Santana: “We should print up our wedding menus on the back of them”

Santana: “Did I ever tell you that I love you?”

Brittany: “Tell me again”            

Santana: “I love you”

Brittany: “I love you”

Santana: “Hi abuela”

“Hi”

Santana: “You look really good did you lose some weight?”              

“You taught me to be a strong Latina woman and to be bigger than the world was ever going to give me permission to be. And I have. You taught me not just to exist because I’m worth so much more than that and without Britt I just exist, she’s the love of my life and I’m going to marry her and I want to share that with you because without your love I think I just exist too”

“Take a look because this, this is what real love looks like and I love you so much but Britt is my family now and if having her in my family means not having you then that’s a trade I’d take any day”

Brittany: “What are you thinking about?”

Santana: “Abuela and how I should be mad at her but I just feel sad for her.”

Santana: “I’m really really proud of how you stood up for me. You’re my lady knight in shining armour. I just wanted to believe that people could really change and to hear her say that she accepts me. But I have a lot of love in my life already. A lot. A lot. A lot.”

Brittany: “Me”

Santana: “Yeah you, now let’s go humour a bunch of tone deaf losers by acting surprised when we walk inside this auditorium”

Brittany: “Deal”

Brittany: “Ahhhh”

Santana: “Oh my god.”

A Wedding

“Gay marriage is illegal in Ohio but legal in Indiana, it makes absolutely no sense.”

“Listen I’m so happy, it makes me very happy, I could not be happier. I’ve got my two moms and future BFF’s together at last and I think, babe, this is the perfect place to get married.”

“Listen up, bitches here is the game plan. Britt and I do not want to see each other in our dresses until the wedding so we’re going to come out one at a time and show you our selections.”

“Wow, wow, Brittany you look so beautiful. I was going crazy back there but you know what everybody is right you look incredible.”

“Take the chicken out. Put it down. Listen if you want to distract your mind why don’t you use your math mind to help figure out this seating chart.”

“Wait, hold up, no me gusta. Why is Sue on the list? No, no she is not invited to my wedding.”

“That’s a steaming load of crap. I want to be surrounded by the people who love ma and the people that I love and the only person that you know how to love is yourself…I know how selfish and self-centred you are like the time you wore an exact copy of Emma Pilsbury’s dress to her own wedding and how you perverted the very idea of marriage by marrying yourself. You are incapable of a selfless act and if you do what you always do and just show up you will be forcibly removed by the security guards that I’ve hired. So have fun polishing your trophies Sue, bye.”

“When I pictured my wedding day I thought that I’d be the most beautiful bride ever but I was wrong you are. You look amazing”

Santana: “You know what, this was all adorable but now I’m putting my foot down. Do you know why the groom couldn’t see the bride before a wedding.”

Brittany: “Cannabalism?”

Santana: “No, dates back to arranged marriages. People thought that if the couple had time to see each other before the wedding they would change their minds and bail on actually getting married. That’s not us, because you love me and I love you and no silly superstitions are going to change that. Hey, I’m really sorry that I can’t go an hour without seeing you because I’ll just miss you too much. Me and you, the rules don’t apply to us, they never have, we make our own luck, so I say that it’s good luck to kiss the bride before the wedding because  then we can have that kiss that we can’t have in front of our friends and family because they’d be too jealous.”

Brittany: “Does this mean I don’t have to wear the blue underwear I borrowed from Tina?”

Santana: “Ewww Britt no you shouldn’t do that.”

“What the hell are you doing here? You know what Britt you might be right we might actually have the worst luck of all time because I can’t marry you if I’m in jail for killing this bitch.”

“I don’t agree with everything that you believe either. I just want my abuela back, I’ve missed you.”

“You can stay, thank you.”

“Turns out that I am a lot like the godfather on a wedding day and as crazy as all this sounds I could not deny my bride her only wish. All you have to do is say yes.”

“I’ve been bullied, out-ed, misunderstood.”

“I’m a working progress.”

“I do.”

“Alright everyone, so at this time we would normally be serving dinner but before we do that we have a gift for each and every one of you. So, in case you’re basic and don’t know, OTP stands for one true pairing and I’ve been lucky enough to find mine with Brittany and Kurt and Blaine were lucky enough to find each other and so in the spirit of everyone here finding their OTP please join us on the dance floor and let’s get this party started.”

“…on Paradise Island in the Bahamas. Oh my god, no way, we were just talking about it that’s crazy. You’re the best”

Thanks to the Glee dvd’s, Glee wikia, hideeverytraceofsadness, @feijotea for giving me some quotes.

[loonakult]

my glorious queen

[elainiisms]

she may not be a lesbian in canon, but she is a lesbian in my heart

[expressions-of-nature]

by Gerard Kingma

[talulamerriwether]

"circle paintings" by Talula Merriwether (available here)

[zegalba]

Lamp: 恋人へ (2004)

[daily-spooky]

[inthedarktrees]

Lorna Heilbron in a publicity still for The Creeping Flesh, 1973

[daily-spooky]

[ancientsstudies]

Dolmabahçe Palace by miladyfairy.

[torillatavataan]

Nothing new indeed. Here are just some russified Finnish place names from the Karelian Isthmus:

Antrea -> Kamennogorsk Enso -> Svetogorsk * Heinjoki -> Veshchevo Johannes -> Sovetsky Jääski -> Lesogorsky Kanneljärvi -> Pobeda Kaukjärvi -> Kamenka Kirvu -> Svobodnoye Kivennapa -> Pervomayskoye Koivisto -> Primorsk Koivistonsaari -> Bolshoy Beryozovy Kuolemajärvi -> Pionerskoye Kähäri -> Goncharovo Käkisalmi -> Priozersk Lavansaari -> Moshchny Metsäpirtti -> Zaporozhskoye Raivola -> Roshchino Rautu -> Sosnovo Räisälä -> Melnikovo Säkkijärvi -> Kondratyevo ** Terijoki -> Zelenogorsk Uuras -> Vysotsk Uusikirkko -> Polyany Vahviala -> Yashino Valkjärvi -> Michurinskoye Vuoksenranta -> Ozyorskoye Ylä-Urpala -> Torfyanovka

* The name lives on in the name of the company Stora Enso ** You may recognise the name from the song Säkkijärven polkka

Place names in the ceded Petsamo, Salla, and Ladoga Karelia, have largely been left alone.

The population of the ceded Finnish territories was also completely replaced.

Please feel free to list more russified places from other countries.

[safije]

Uyghur bread, Xinjiang China.

[loonakult]

EAST TURKESTAN*

[hosumakactila-deactivated202605]

psikolog kendimle konusmadigim seyleri bana anlattirdigi icin cok uzuluyorum birakcam tedaviyi