Okay, realtalk? Realtalk. You are right on the money. Iām not particularly happy with the way I look. Iāve struggled with accepting myself for about ~15 years, and I still do. You guys have to understand that this isnāt really an issue of social anxiety or any sort of fear like that. I do very much like my privacy, but the reason Iāve been reluctant to show myself is not only because of that.
What I hear more than anything once people see a picture of me (one leaked very early on, someone found an old picture on my old Facebook) was āwow he does not look like I thought he would do.ā And no matter how nice someone meant that, it comes across as someone being disappointed. āOh, heās not the badass mage guy. Heās just some guy.ā And those are the nice/neutral comments. I also read stuff like ālol he pretends heās this cool guy but in reality heās a 500 pound fatassā.
First of all, Iām nowhere near 500 pounds, but second of all, you have to realize how that makes you feel. I felt that I had to hide myself. And I had to not show pictures of myself because I would be disappointing people. I started wondering if people ever found out what I looked like, it would reflect negatively on me. People would stop being interested in me, people would stop saying āomg rythian is so hotā. People would not want to watch me anymore, or care about what I think. So I just didnāt do those things.Ā It felt nice to hear people to talk about me as if I was attractive.
Thereās a weird thing that happens when people start associating a character with you. A lot of fan-people talk to me as if I AM Rythian, the Enderborn, the moody dark mage. I see these people swooning over the dark sexy tortured soul, the tall lanky brooding guy with his glowing eyes, his unique hair, and all that. I never ever meant to somehow deceive people in anyway. I made a character, I didnāt make myself. I never said I looked like that in real life, and I never pretended that was me. People are attracted to that character, and part of that transfers over to me somehow. But Iām sorry. Iām just some guy.
For over half my life, I have never ever really truly believed that anyone really found me attractive. At all. Any girlfriends Iāve had, I never believed them when or if they said they thought I looked good. I always thought they were just being nice. They were with me DESPITE what I looked like. So if I had a choice, I would hide myself. I felt better just talking to people via voice or text.
It took a lot for me to get past that. And toĀ āshow myselfā. A lot of it is because of my lovely girlfriend of three years (I love you), whoās slowly convincing me that Iām not disgusting, that I can actually be really, truly attractive to someone. And if she thinks Iām attractive, then why do I care about other people online? If Zoey can battle through her social anxiety to show herself on camera, then so can I. (I should note, I beat Nilesy to facecamming by like a couple of hours! Out of nowhere we both decided to do it on the same day, without talking to each other about it!)
So yeah. Iām really happy and thankful for the comments and support Iāve gotten since going on facecam for the charity stream. I still think pretty much everyone whoās calling me handsome or whatever is just being nice - because thatās what nice people do, especially when they talk directly at me. So no, there wont be tons and tons of facecam videos from now on. But I hope Iāll have the nerves to maybe be on camera for stuff like Hannahās Advent videos, or stuff in the office. Weāll see.
Thank you all. Realtalk over, letās go back to silly banter.
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