🕊

i, over here, keep thinking of all these things, and my heart beats fast (diary blog) (alison, they/them, 27, lesbian)

[lopsidedlight]

swimming did not happen bc its too cold and windy and almost all the inside pools are closed or extremely full. Spent the first hour of my day in an insane shame spiral bc of it but S helped me get out of it

[lopsidedlight]

I really want to try and go swimming tomorrow...i hope it will happen

[lopsidedlight]

it is really nice to be able to cook well. I think i dont appreciate my own skill often enough. I get to eat a bunch of lovely meals every week without having to pay for it at a restaurant and i can tailor it exactly to my taste

[lopsidedlight]

today i slept in for ages and then i just hung around and tidied the living room a bit and in the evening S and I went to see I swear which was a bit disappointing. Then i cooked some aglio e olio and made us some drinks with this non alcoholic gin we got last year. <3

[lopsidedlight]

okay everything is soo much better now. Today was really challenging, i had this interview scheduled for a volunteer position at this literature festival and i was really nervous but it went super well and then i had my evening class which i was nervous about bc my code just didnt work but the professor is actually so nice and everyone had issues which he helped us solve. Overall such a successful day! I'm proud of myself for applying for this volunteer job bc i think its gonna be really nice and i like how i am able to expand my life <3

[lopsidedlight]

I cannot believe silo made that sexy butch lesbian kiss a man!!!!

[lopsidedlight]

felt sick again today. Today was a good day to miss so i stayed home but i think i really have a stress management problem. The thing is, it is truly in my head. Like I'm constantly freaking out but actually everything is fine. I just feel like everyone is about to be mad and upset at me

[girlfictions]

— clarice lispector, the stream of life

[lopsidedlight]

One thing that was so crazy and a bit of a culture shock in London, was when we went to Heaven, this gay night club to see Muna. There was a metal detector to go through and then they scanned our ids into a computer. There were signs everywhere saying they have a zero tolerance policy about drugs and will kick you out and possibly alert the police. In the bathroom was an attendant to make sure people only went into the stalls alone.

Ive never been through a metal detector to go to a club in berlin, often you don't even show id and they would definitely never scan it. Also the culture around drugs is so different here, most clubs have discreet places where you can go so you dont hold up the bathroom line. One party i went to at a club had a person come in the bathroom to literally direct people to go to a different part of the venue to do drugs. The only drug that some clubs have a policy against is ghb but they would just kick you out not alert the police. (Obviously this is still super shitty bc it makes people not say what someone took if someone is in trouble)

[lopsidedlight]

I ended up making it to london after a lot of crying and being unsure and a lot of back and forth. I'm glad i went and I haven't felt sick at all anymore. It was a bit rough bc the decision to come with was ultimately so last minute, so i hadnt had enough time to process and so when we had to leave in the middle of the night to go to the airport all my travel anxiety started coming in at full force. But i made it to the airport and then to london. Its been quite nice actually, just extremely hot. I had heard bad things about the heat in the uk but outside it was the same as in germany just that at home i would not be outside in 35°C. I did not know however how it is inside and my hotel room is on the highest floor and it was brutal. Of course the ac was broken (tho S and I think they just say that bc it would be so insanely expensive in this heat) so the room was crazy hot. Also you cant open the windows properly, at least there was a fan. No matter how much i was in the cold shower, my body refused to cool down. At home i cant ever take cold showers bc i start freezing as soon as I'm slightly wet but here it did nothing. Today its thankfully cooler outside and there's wind.

[lopsidedlight]

still sick. Hoping its getting better tho. Today i read the handmaid's tale. I finished the show yesterday, finally after a million years of watching some of it then forgetting about it, then rewatching etc but never making it to the end. I started watching originally as it had just come out. I didnt like the ending but i didnt think i would bc the last seasons were already not so great but i just finally had to finish it.

S bought me strawberries not from the supermarket but from those little strawberry huts, they are expensive but so incredibly good.

[pleasecometomybonfire]

Orhoq after eating a seal

[lopsidedlight]

I'm getting sicker every day which fucking sucks. Like i really feel like I'm still in the beginning of being sick. Trying not to panic about anything

[lopsidedlight]

been having such a shitty week, S has been really sick so we've been distancing and wearing masks at home which sucks and ive started to feel really exhausted around wednesday but from thursday to saturday i had signed up for this student linguistics conference and i went on thursday for half the day, i had to leave early due to the concert but then on friday i felt super gross and sickly and now ive basically been lying on the sofa since and this morning i felt super dizzy and bad. I'm so sad that i missed so much of that conference and i also just want to feel better already. I absolutely overdid it in the first weeks of uni and ive been depressed and exhausted since and i just want to be okay again and ive been trying so hard to do less and relax a lot. Also I'm hoping i can finally go swimming next week, the outside pools are open now and the weather is supposed to be nice and i have a desperate urge to move. But right now i feel so sick and S has been sick basically all week already so who knows how long I'll be sick. Ughhhhhh

[thepollingstation]

Are you confident you are the only person alive with your full name?

yes

no

other

Voting ended onMay 21

[lopsidedlight]

any recommendations for what to do in london? Things to see? S and I are going in two weeks for a short trip and i dont really know what i want to do haha

[lopsidedlight]

so here in germany if you dont buy a ticket to take the train and get caught having done it multiple times, its considered a crime compared to a regulatory offense and so if you cant pay the fine, you go to prison. Which is obviously extremely messed up. And now this german rapper announced on his social media that he got caught and needs to pay the fine but out of protest against this ridiculous law, he's going to prison. Except a few days later he announced he's not going to prison after all lol which lowkey is so embarrassing, like i obvs get it but god imagine making a huge announcement like that and then taking it back... If i were him i wouldve waited to post that until i was in prison so i cant embarrass myself