lorna-janee; @lornaburgess - Tumblr Blog

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- CWpoet 🥀

lornaburgess

3 years on...

I stumbled upon my tumblr tonight and reading through my old posts I’ve felt all kinds of emotions..

Reading the way I felt all those years ago and the way my life was compared to how it is now is amazing.

My posts of dreaming of real love and happiness and having my own house and I’m sat writing this in MY bed in MY house next to MY love with the biggest lump in my throat.

Dreams do come true and you really can turn your life around if you want to.

Don’t give up. ❤️

thepersonalquotes

poems-and-word

hplyrikz

“Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships. So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.”

— (via hplyrikz)

thepersonalquotes

Mum.

i am angry that she missed out on life.

i am angry that she never got to see me grow up.

i am angry that i could never speak to her about things my friends were speaking to their moms about.

i am angry we never got to go girly shopping together.

i am angry that she will miss my wedding and will not be there to help me pick my dress.

i am angry that she never got to meet my boyfriend.

i am angry that she will never be a grandma.

i am angry she won't be able to help me through pregnancy and birth.

i am angry i won't be able to look after her when she is old.

i am angry she never had a 40th or 50th or 60th to celebrate.

i am angry that i have no memories of her.

i am angry that i was not allowed to remember her.

i am angry that she had to suffer.

i am angry that this happened to me.

i am angry that i get jealous of my friends relationships with their mums.

i am angry that my life has been difficult because of this.

i am angry that my dad chose someone over me after this.

i am angry that i never got to know you.

i am angry that you are not here anymore..

#mum #death #cancer #sad #family #anger #angry #feelings #blog

To my love..

You may or may not ever get to read this but you saved me, in a million different ways which in most you are completely unaware that I even needed saving.

I never believed in love before you and you’ve shown me love in every way possible. I will never be with anyone else in my life nor do I ever want to. I could not have got through the past year without you and it begs me to think how the hell I managed 23 years without you because I couldn’t manage a day without you now.

You are beautiful in every way possible and I ask myself the question everyday ‘why the hell are you with me’ I will never be able to answer or understand that because you are way too good for me and I don’t believe anyone would deserve a heart as pure as yours.

I saved you and you saved me, but you saved me way before you even knew you had, you saved me from living a life without love, you saved me from settling for nothing, you saved me from myself and my family and you gave me life.

I hate you for your messiness and your laziness and how your armpits smell like sour milk when you haven’t washed in a while and how your farts linger. But I love you for way more. I love your smile and your eyes, I love the way you trace your upper lip with your fingers when you get nervous or how your voice changes when your angry or excited, I love the way you pull me closer and hug me while your asleep and I love how you put me first always, i love every single thing about you.

And that brings me to today, you will never know how grateful I am to you for the past couple of months, I could never have dreamed anyone would be so kind and selfless and I’ve shed more tears from your kindness than I have anything else. You overwhelm my heart everyday and I can’t believe this is the life I have and will hopefully have forever and I will never get over the fact that you chose me to be your partner. We have a long way to go but we have already come so far and we’ve proved that we can do anything. If your feeling low I’ve got you and if I’m feeling low you’ve got me and we will fight for this every single day if we have to, 2018 is going to be so exciting and I can’t wait to spend it by your side.

Forerver yours.

Day 123959

Well that’s what it feels like anyway, it seemed to get better and then worse and so on. The depression isn’t so strong now but the anxiety definitely is. I have massive spouts of anxiety everyday that lasts bascially the whole day and the whole night.

I’m away at the moment in a little cabin in the forest with my boyfriend and it’s so relaxing and he’s so lovely but he has no idea of the extent this anxiety is bothering me and I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to worry and I want him to enjoy his time.

I long to feel settled, in life and in work. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and I’m not sure what it’s going to be that drags me out.

I applied back to my old job last week to try and get some clarity and at least start a job where I know what I’m doing and the people there and start again, start the whole process again, work there whilst trying to find something better. I want to study but I’m scared of doing the wrong thing. I’m scared of everything in fact.

😞

I’m not well again.

I’m stressed and I feel sad and low and inadequate and unfulfilled. These emotions are consuming me and I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m cleverer this time though and I know what I’m doing to an extent, the thoughts and the needs to harm to ‘cope’ are getting stronger and stronger. Although this time I have a boyfriend and he sees every part of my body so there would be nowhere to hide them this time.

I’m scared of him seeing me like this because I don’t think he will know how to deal with it, this could lead to him leaving me which I’m also afraid of. I’m also scared of allowing myself to see this again and I keep telling myself in my mind that I’m okay. I’m not.