Building My Wall One Brick At a Time..

"I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralyzed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness."

[dustorange-moved-deactivated202]

Knowing you could have it if you wanted but not knowing if you want it at all

[losernumber3]

I am no one, who are you. Are you no one too?  I’ve felt so much and feel nothing. Once light and dark felt different, but now its all the same. My small insignificant life feels so larger than life. Like trying to close a suitcase with too much inside.. I’m stuffed to the brim, overweight, ugly, broken...I seem torevert back and back and back some more. Is there a way to change or will I forever seek someting that dosnt exsist? My pains manifest not like good luck but like a dark omen, were all just waiting for the train wreck.

When will life be enough? Perhaps when Death finally comes by? Maybe then I can ask questions and get answers. But just like these rammblings nothing will come out of it. Nothingness is waiting for me. Simply a dark unavoidable void, which would only point back to me.

[losernumber3]

How can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghow can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghow can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghow can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghow can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghow can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghow can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dont know which way Im facinghowcanI move forward when I dont know which way Im facing how can I move forward when I dontknowhich wayIm facingI do ntknowhich wayIm facingI dontknow hich wayI ‘m faci ng

[losernumber3]

hushed

I live in a dream. No really! Look right there can;t you see my walls. Building all around me? Cant you tell I haven't left in years? Can’t you see time stands still here. Isn’t that fun!? Living in a dream? But

I can’t let you stay.

My dreams can’t hold you too

Hmm, I know, take a picture...

Sorry I won’t smile make sure to get the unmade bed and the rotting food oh hows my hair? Right. ok

Don’t forget me. My mind is up in the clouds but my heart will...never leave either...but my eyes look right

at

you

[losernumber3]

reverberate

What if I invited myself to a picnic? What should we eat? Should I wear my red dress or my silver boots? Should I think of a funny anecdote or listen to my soft breaths. In..out..in...out...in.

Will they cry for me?

Yes. Will it even matter?

Yes. Should I extend myself into light?

Or recoil into the warmth of self?

Faith is gone. Hope remains.

dear god, please give me the strength

I pray in a mirror because I am god....she/ they/ he/ xe

I am light 

[losernumber3]

Crucible

Sing..

She sings her songs...

They sing tales of woe and sorrow...

The sigh of a friend sounds like the breath of an enemy.

Don’t chase after me..

Did you hear that song about those kids who fell in love?

They sit alone in the hall of fame

Frantically singing.

It’s right here...no....right here. In the pit of my stomach

Pain moves closer inside me. Holding the

dager

of death and the sweet elixir of

serenity

[greenmossloveisreal1998iloveyou]

jesus smoked only resin in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights

[losernumber3]

funny how my mood can change so easily a pin dropping could put me in a comatose state for the rest of the year...tread lightly...i feel like fucking teenager right now i wish i could burst into a dozen pieces from all this anger fuck

and you know something else fuck this man fuck him i hate work i hate working for people i hate the way they look at me i hate the way people stare at me i know what they are thinkning fuckk this 

one day at a time no one gives a shit about anyhting me too

no one  c a r e s  a t  a l l

calm down, quiet,,,

[midnightmurdershow]

Planet Earth II (2016) Episode 05 “Grasslands” Directed by Chadden Hunter

[losernumber3]

I just want someone 

here

[losernumber3]

I almost forgot it was twilight.

[losernumber3]

Take a seat.

Come in

Watch me, watchme, watch, her, watch them, watchwatch

Today I kissed my hands, my arms, caressed the hairs on my legs. Touched

Realized I was still alive,,still

It was in the silence. The way they hugged themselves, as if they were to fall apart if they let go. Hold tight. Tighter. Reminder yourself you exist. in this body you exist. not just any other body but this one. THis one right here. this one. look around, realizes its just you and yourself. They/them. Realize its always been that way. They sit and hold themselves, as if they had no one else. they have no one else. They hug themselves in silence. they look and touch and realize this truth. When she looks at others they don’t look back. unmemorable that’s  why. she stairs. she wants to learn from them. wants to know their mannerisms. how they live. how do they do it. how do they breath and sit and look. without hesitation. how. how. she admires. she stairs. she tries to learn, 

Today my body feels heavy~~~~~~~~~~~ Every step i forget . i look up and realize i am moving. not me but my body. on it’s own. step step step step. dragggggggg......moveeeeeeeeeee/////e/e/eeeee/// heavy . i am outside of my body. i am in the clouds, i see me. she looks sad. she looks dead in the eyes. nothing is in her (their) mind. she drags her feet. i can heear her not picking up her feet. what a drag she is. oh

right. im back. loook around. for people. danger. no..ok..back up i go. how much longer. 5 minutes feels like 20 and 20 feel like next week. 

[losernumber3]

would thou like to live delicioussssslllyyy

What is there to say. I’m back here. I thought this was over...this page was a milestone, something to look back on, but I guess I should have held my tongue..I spoke too soon. I’m back here, feeling all the same ways..Not much has changed. Not much. At the core it;s all the same, just like life. All the same. So here I will be paralyzed in the present. This is fun, huh? Playing with my life. I can;t wait  for whats next ,,perhaps some much needed rest? In the form of an ending or in the smoke ...\\

[jacb]

[whatever-isthe90s]

Now and Then (1995)

[octoplasm-deactivated20130101]

[black-to-the-bones-deactivated2]

5yo son’s eyewitness account of Baltimore County Police shooting that killed his mother. That is how a kid witnessed his mother dying from the hands of the police officers. And he also felt what it is like to be a target.

They just kicked the door down and started shooting them.

They shot at her not the other way around and when they saw her son running they shot him too. 

They deactivated her social Media so that no one could see the truth. 

They refused to release the bodycam footage.

Who do you believe now?

[for-marginalized-bw-only-deacti]

For the ignorant people trying to rationalize her murder. I feel so bad for this little baby, he lost his mother and he’s been hurt, I can only imagine what he’s feeling.