there are two types of people in this world. there are the ones who plans everything in their life, every basic thing, what they want to become, what subject they will major in, when will they get a job, when will they marry, who will they marry, what type of people they want as their life partner. and there are those second type who does not go much with planning. they don’t know their every step, they are on the way of discovering themselves, what they want eventually becomes clear. they take risks, they travel the world, they don’t want to label themselves, minimize themselves in a particular place, they want to experience everything, according to Walt Whitman, “they seek a perpetual journey.”
and there is me coming mostly in the first category and secretly worshiping the second category people, wanting to be more like them, but afraid to take the risk sometimes. although nothing ever happens the way I plan, still I do. because I have to have a plan. I have to keep moving forward. I get this incredible sense of relief when I lay out a plan and start working through it. I get this need in me to always be in control of my situation. when I feel the control slipping I hate it more than anything. and funny enough, I always find my control slipping in that moment when I need them the most.
this is one of those situations; everything is feeling like falling apart. in the last few months I felt like I was being blown away by a big storm and lost my direction. for a long time I felt like I have lost. too scared, too bruised up to get up. but as I said, the inner control freak in me helped me to gather myself together. I got up, dusted myself and wore my scars as my strength. I thought for once everything is falling into pieces and I am going towards something I always wanted to do. but then shit happens. here I am again, with everything at a stake. everything uncertain. and I am scared.
I cannot give this up. I cannot give up my one chance to do something I really want to do. so this time I have to fight back up. life wants to mess with me, I will mess up with it three times more. I will not lose and settle down for less. That is not happening this time.
prguitarman
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
gummygunk
stormborns
origamiaround
areudirty
