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foood.

My dietician and I agreed that I would get to 50 lbs and then be able to start the transition back to food.

Transition...what a weird word. I’m trying to transform myself into a healthy human who looks and feels like she actually cares about her body and her life. Step 1 was to not transition off food...but full stop. Now the transition back to food is slow and steady, because they always win the race, right? Let’s hope so. The official definition of transition is ‘the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.’ What they do tell you about weight loss is the mental part of it. What you don’t realize is that is the battle. There’s a significant health transition, but the mental transition is one that you never think of.

Truth be told 2014 was Courtney’s crazy year. Those wild memories and nights you don’t remember...I didn’t have those in college. I have a quite of few of those from August until December of last year. I’m not exactly proud of them...but they taught me a lot about myself and life in general. I have learned the regret is a stupid feeling that takes away any good that you could have learned from a situation. I learned that in the end Fireball doesn’t solve all your problems...it just is about 3 hours of fun followed by a morning of self hatred and greasy food...which only leads to more weight. I’ve learned that periods of your life long or short help you realize the core of your personality. Some people are blessed with knowing who they are from day 1. My niece is 7 years old and she is so honest and unforgiving and so carefree, I hope that she stays like that forever. Others of us have to assume the roles of about 8 different people before she is 26 in order to realize that it is okay to be who she really is. I’m a brutally honest person who is a huge nerd who has some awesome friends and family who will give space if I just ask and will make me do things when I really need it. It’s been amazing how something so important to a long healthy life...has almost become the back burner to this transition. I’m more confident, I’m more self aware, I’m TRYING to be less judgmental and gossipy (work in progress but I’m working on it), I am finally proud of myself...then there’s also a simple matter of losing 50 lbs. I’m DAMN proud of that. Initially, I didn’t want to accept that I had done anything special. I had help from a lot of freaking people...but the point is I accepted that help. I realized FINALLY that I needed to change and there was no way in HELL I would ever be able to do it alone. My family has been the backbone of all of this. Then I realized who my real true friends were through all of this...the people who really cared and genuinely would put up with my freak outs. I owe them a lot and their Christmas is going to be off the hook this year simply b/c they put up with my crap. Massive thanks to my trainer and dietician for being not only the basic support and motivation...but also being my therapists. They answer every text/email/weird question/emotional breakdown with understanding and encouragement and they are truly my heroes for putting up with all of it. Also my coworkers have been amazing...I was never one for compliments before. Honestly I hated them because I never believed them...these people have been so supportive and awesome and have been part of the reason that my positivity is at an all time high. I have been blessed with a wonderful time in my life when I could do this and keep it up. It also helps that I have a few people who really didn’t think i would succeed and I know who they were/are/will always be and it is a sweet satisfaction to buy that size down dress and show up with my hair rocking and feeling amazing and see the surprise on their face.

There’s still 50 or 60 lbs to go. There’s still a lot of work to do mentally, physically, emotionally, all of the above. Here’s to the next 6 months. Here’s to the rest of my life...here’s to the rest of your life. Clarity and happiness for all.

Almost there. I can feel the loss.

“Exercise to be fit not skinny. Eat to nourish your body, and always ignore any negativity, doubters, and unhealthy examples that were once feeding you. YOU are worth more than you realize.”

That is one thing I have learned to be true. “you are worth more than you realize” It feels good. However, on top of that understand that having pride and confidence in yourself never gives you the right to judge or criticize others. Have faith and pride in what your doing...but show it in more than just your physical presence. Show it in your actions, reactions, words, emotions, your character and mind are just as important as your body. The more you let gossip and criticism of yourself and others pollute your mind, the more that negativity will start to hinder your own process.

Live and let live.

AND believe me I am looking at myself in the mirror as I am saying all of this.

Stay classy peeps. Remember Stop talking and just do it.

41.5 - “I didn’t rest. I didn’t doubt. I just worked” - Rousey

Yep I have finally hit the 40 lb mark! I have never been so happy and motivated about what is happening in my life. There’s still a good ways to go...but knowing that I’m 8.5 lbs away from losing 50lbs (which was my first real milestone) is the greatest feeling. I’ve also lost 14.75 inches since April 7th. THATS OVER A FREAKING FOOT.

Thanks again for everyone’s support. I would have never gotten this far without everyone’s encouragement.

While out with some friends I heard a song that came out a while ago and I finally took a moment to listen to the lyrics. I knew for a long time that I needed to change. I needed to change my outlook, my health, my life, my mind, my surroundings, everything. I was falling into a deep dark circle of negativity, stress, and far too much food/alcohol/wreckless spending. The light at the end of the tunnel was dim. Adulthood really was as bad as everyone always said.

Thankfully the last few months have opened my eyes to how great life can be. Life doesn’t end when you become an “adult” actually it starts. Yes the past few years have been weird and hard and stressful, but I’ve also never had much fun in my life. I’ve done some things I really don’t want my possible future children to ever find out about...but every mistake, every misstep, every questionable decision led me right to this place. I welcome change...but with that change is clarity. Just because you have to change a big part of your life doesn’t mean you have to change you. Circumstances don’t change...if anything they give your true self a chance to shine. I’m distancing myself from certain situations and certain people but that is only bringing me closer to myself and honestly I had forgotten her. Courtney is slowing coming back to me and life just has so much hope and the future is so bright. I can feel my body getting healthier and my mind clearer.

It was time to change...and change I did. Here are the lyrics... Enjoy :):

Maybe I'm a dreamer Maybe I'm misunderstood Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should Maybe I'm crazy (Maybe I'm crazy) Maybe I'm the only one (Maybe I'm the only one) Maybe I'm just out of touch Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change And leave it all behind I've never been one to walk alone I've always been scared to try So why does it feel so wrong To reach for something more To wanna live a better life What am I waiting for? 'Cause nothing stays the same Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless (Maybe it's hopeless) Maybe I should just give up (Maybe I should just give up) What if I can't trust myself? What if I just need some help?

And maybe it's time to change And leave it all behind I've never been one to walk alone I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change And leave it all behind I've never been one to walk alone I've always been scared to try So why does it feel so wrong To reach for something more To wanna live a better life What am I waiting for? 'Cause nothing stays the same Maybe it's time to change 'Cause nothing stays the same Maybe it's time to change

#optifast #12th week done #40 lbs gone

classyminimal

losingisntalwaysabadthing

32 lbs down!

4 more weeks of chocolate shakes and bars to go...I’ll never touch chocolate again as long as i live...except for the epic cookie cake I’m already planning for my birthday.

Some people plan their cheat meal next week...I’m saving mine for Chicken Parmesan and a cookie cake for my 27th birthday...followed by a week of hard interval training to get the crap out of my system.

Never give up...Any progress no matter how big or small is still progress.

Don’t Stop Me Now.

It’s a funny thing that once you start changing one important aspect of your life...a few other aspects start to become clearer.

I’m 1.1 away from 30 lbs. lost in only 8 weeks. I’m beyond excited. I start week 9 tomorrow and I feel like i’m in the home stretch. I’m over halfway there and I’ve never been proud of myself for anything in my entire life.

I still have weird cravings every now and again and feel sad because there are certain comfort foods that I simply will never be able to eat again...but then I think about where eat those could lead me and I refuse to return to that. No matter what I do I REFUSE to find all of that weight that I have lost.

THere’s still a long way to go both physically and mentally, but thanks to my wonderful family and supportive friends, I really think that I will be able to make it there. It won’t be tomorrow and it won’t be next week, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel and I plan on finding that ball of light and dunking it in the first goal that i find.

It is funny when you start doing something like this there are a few people who show their true colors and make you feel like you aren’t going to succeed. At first I believed them...I questioned my conviction...but it just took a few moments of weakness and struggle to realize that instead of letting them effect me in a negative way I will use them as motivation. You don’t have to understand why I”m doing this...you don’t have to agree with it...you don’t even have to encourage me...but please understand that nothing you say or do could ever deter me from this goal.

I’ve accomplished a lot in my life...but I really believe that the moment I reach my first MILESTONE weightloss goal will be the greatest moment of my life.

Everyone is capable of change...and I wish I could tell you the exact moment or thing that struck a cord with me and made me start believing in myself and trying. They (although I never know who THEY is...maybe just Pinterest) say that life begins the moment you leave your comfort zone. Let me tell you that food was definitely my comfort zone and since I have stepped away life has never been clearer.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!! Here’s to stepping out of your comfort zone and changing yourself...b/c only then can you change the world.

foreverfitness-

losingisntalwaysabadthing

22.7 lbs down.

Energy Up.

Positivity Up.

Happiness Up.

Outlook Up.

Progress is the best motivator.

Keep Going. Never Give Up.

Strive for Five!!

Fifth week is officially over!! I have lost a total of 19.3 lbs. I can’t believe in 5 (LONG) weeks I have lost almost 20 lbs. It is amazing what you can do for yourself if you just believe that you can.

I have thought a lot about why it took me 15 or so years to finally find something that put me in this mindset to get healthy. I know I’m doing it very drastically right now...but this is totally unlike anything I’ve ever done before. I feel differently than I ever have before. I have more energy and notice the difference in my mind, energy, happiness, sleep, and even in my dreams. I realized that the WHY is the most important aspect of this.

So many times before I would look at myself in the mirror feeling self conscious and disgusted that I had allowed it to get this bad and vow that from then on I would stop eating this and that and work out every day. And I did this...for about 2 months. Then I would say screw it and head to chic fil a on a bad day and eat my feelings.

Now this is about something different. This is about my health, this is about the countless hours I spent on exam tables last year only for my doctor to say, “Honestly all your problems would be fixed if you just lost weight.” Who wants to be on daily medication for blood pressure and type 2 diabetes when it can be prevented just by stepping away from the french fries and chicken fingers. Food was no longer worth a healthy life.

But over the past few weeks I have learned so much about my body and about food. I have learned that I can enjoy food. I just have to be mindful about what I’m eating, how much I’m eating. I can revel in the flavor of food...but the flavor just has to be real and not battered and deep fried. I have to change my food palette...and that’s what I’m doing. Cutting myself off from food for 9 more weeks until I am ready to reboot my taste buds.

And I’m doing it all because I want to be healthy. I want to be happy about myself not because I’m a certain size or can wear certain clothes. I want to be happy about myself because I’m strong enough to make myself healthy. I want to be happy about myself because I’m stronger than my cravings for food. Food will no longer determine my happiness and my worth. I will determine this.

I will have a long and happy life full of many adventures.

4th week done...

It’s official...I have made it through 4 of the 21 weeks of this mighty journey to a healthier life.

As of today, I’ve lost 14.5 lbs and all of my numbers on my labs are perfect. My blood pressure is also down.

I am so thankful for all of the support I have received from everyone down to my nephew’s “You’re smaller than yesterday” comments. I knew I couldn’t do this alone and thanks to my wonderful support system of family, friends, trainer and the great people at nutrition solutions...progress is being made. Happiness is being felt...and weight is being lost...FOREVER.

I continue to be a little bit a of a recluse, using this time to work out...not think about food...and catch up on my netflix shows and books that I need to read. This process has to be one of full overhaul. Progress is being made in every aspect of my life and I couldn’t be more excited.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend (or weekend for everyone else). Remember don’t eat anything too good...i might get jealous.

I am almost finished with my 4th week on the Optifast and I have never been so proud of myself. I have not had a single drop of alcohol in 4 weeks and I have never slept so well in a long long time.

I know that once I get to add things back my ideas will change, but I really think a lot of how I have been feeling has to do with the fact that I have not been drinking. I am pumped about the future and the good feelings that come with losing weight an improving my health.

Since I first found out I was having issues with my blood pressure I have been on a low impact work out routine with my trainer. I had gained weight and couldn’t do half of the things I could do 6/7 months ago. I had worked so hard up from only being able to do 10 or 15 burpees in a single work out session to doing upwards of 80 in a session. Then because of the weight and blood pressure everything was getting harder again. I was so discouraged. My wonderful lifesaving trainer, Nicole, always made me feel like I could conquer the world, but I still knew that I had basically wasted 2 years of my life working out and working out hard only to back slide and end up less healthy b/c I did not change my nutrition.

So for the past 3 months I have done low impact workouts with a lot of weights and beginner cardio workouts that I had not done since the first few months of my workouts. This was totally unacceptable to me. Then I started the optifast and I am only getting 800 calories a day so they do not recommend high impact hard core workouts. So I just was worried that I was losing all of my ability and strength to bust out burpees and mountain climbers and all the other soul sucking workouts that I had learned to have a love hate relationship with.

Well today I walked into the gym and felt tired and like I was not going to actually get a good work out in. I got on the elliptical for my warm up and almost immediately felt more energetic than I had in a very long time. After the warm up Nicole pulls out the dreaded deck of cards. Basically each suit is a different work out and the number coincides with how many you will have to do. 10 if it is a face card, 15 if it is an ace...and the joker is usually a cringe worthy work out.

At my best I would get though about 1/3 of the deck. If burpees are ever in the mix you can almost guarantee that I would pull mostly burped cards. I was so nervous b/c I have not done these exercises in so long I was scared that my strength would be gone.

I am happy to say that the picture above is from the end of my work out. I proved so much to myself today. In less than 4 weeks I have lost 12 lbs, brought my blood pressure back down to normal range, and gotten myself back to the ability I was at before my blood pressure started going crazy.

I learned something huge today. I can do this. I will get through this program and I will be so much better for it. My life has a brighter outlook than it ever has before. MY head has never been so clear and I’ve never been so focused. It is amazing how true the statement “You have to decide to be better” is. Nothing in this world is every going to really be achieved by half assed attempts.

GO BIG OR GO HOME.

Now my goal of 20 lbs is just around the corner and I’ve never been so happy.

In the words of my hero Augustus Waters, “I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up.”

Stay classy people.

CARDS:

Spades: Jumping Jacks

Clubs: Burpees - 72 whaaaaaaa!

Hearts: Plank Jacks

Diamonds: Knee to elbos

Joker: 30 in/outs.

Week 2 is through!

....haha that rhymes.

Not only have I officially lost 8 lbs, I also made it through my first trip. I was perfect...even scored 8000 steps every day I was gone. I am beyond motivated and excited about how I’m feeling. I have so much energy and feel more focused than I ever have before.

In this week’s meeting there was a discussion about how our environments influence everything. It is amazing to realize how many external influences there are in your everyday life.

I have realized that to be successful it really has to be a lifestyle change. Everything around me must be different. I need positive influences. I have to treat this like I’m a recovering food addict...b/c essentially that’s exactly what I am. I just want everyone to know that nothing that happens or doesn’t happen over the next few months or further down the line is personal. This is now about my health and my health alone. I have to be selfish about that.

Huge thank you to my family and friends for their amazing support. Everyone has been so great and understanding and I am forever thankful for you.

Until next time kids...

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

fithealthfood

losingisntalwaysabadthing

Preach.

Week One Done

...or it will be done tomorrow. It has been an interesting week, but thankfully it has been 100% easier than I thought it would be. I have decided that chicken soup that is made from powder should be banned for all of eternity. For now the shakes and the one chocolate bar I will let myself have will have to be enough...as long as I stick to the time schedule, there is only 30 mins of hunger before I eat and it is just slight hunger pains.

Benefits:

So I decided on Thursday to weigh myself, I know I had only been doing the diet for 2 1/2 days, but I just wanted to see what kind of progress, if any, would be happening in such a short time. I'm happy to announce just 2 1/2 days into the diet I had already lost 3 lbs. I'm very aware at how small this is, but it was a much needed sight on the worst day of the week. Progress is happening. I can feel it in my bones. The headaches lasted all of a day and the only time I have wanted to cheat was walking through Target and passing the snack bar where they had just finished making popcorn. There's not a better snack in this world than popcorn. But you know what...I can have that again one day...just not loaded with butter and salt (MODERATIONS PEOPLE)

Realizations:

I have a weird relationship with food. I'm almost sad that there are certain foods that I will never be able to have again b/c it just doesn't make sense to ever put them in my body ever again. SO, I have realized that behavior modification and changing in the way I'm thinking is imperative to make this lifestyle change stick and actually reap good healthy benefits. I've got a long road to go...but after this week I know that I can do it!

Random Courtney Thoughts:

Every spring/summer I reread the same 3 Sarah Dessen books. On the first beautiful day of the year I decided to start with Keeping the Moon. Long story short Colie, who was once fat and still bullied, moves to Colby for the summer to live with her eccentric aunt and makes friends and learns to love herself and open herself up to others. In the story Colie's mother, who also used to be fat, becomes a health and fitness guru and puts her fat years behind her. Colie refers to these years of fat and shame of the Fat Years and regards them in a rather negative way. Now unlike Colie I've only ever had one bully in my life and he was a little jerk in the 4th grade and once I was moved away from beside him in the class it didn't happen again. Middle and High school were part of my fat years...but they weren't any more unbearable than normal. I was thinking about how I will one day look back on my fat years and how I will remember them. College fell into the "Fat Years" and well those 4 years were amazing years when i learned how to love myself and open myself up to friendship and actually like who I was as a person b/c there were actually people in my life who liked me for the crazy random quirky person that I was. Then there are the post college years which were hard in all of their own right...first career, mom got cancer...but SO many good things have happened over the past few years that I could not regard them in a negative way.

Then this morning I took a walk after church and was listening to the same mix that I listen to everyday. "It's Time" came on and it is one of my favorite songs. There's a line in it "The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell." and it so true and wonderful. There's also a line that says "Now don't you understand I'm never changing who I am." And it was then that I realized that these don't have to be thought of as "the fat years" they can be my formative growing years like anyone else. I've learned to love myself like I am. I'm not so great on the self esteem when it come to the way I look, but I have no issues with my mind and myself. Half the battle is loving yourself. The other half is loving your whole self which includes the body that you were blessed (or cursed) with...and I'm about 1/8th there...but I've still got time.

So as soon as that song ended I just smiled to myself and "Return of the Mack" started playing so I basically dance/walked/jogged my entire way home. It was awesome and it was me. I don't want to change through all of thing. I just want to change certain behaviors and the way I feel about food...but food and weight don't define me...they are like puzzle pieces...small pieces part of a whole Courtney. I can live with that progress.

SO long road ahead...but I got this on lock.

Until next time beautiful people...live long and prosper.

Day One

All i can really say is that I can do anything for 98 days...ANYTHING. Bring on the next 97.

It's the start...

of something new...(if you get this reference...we need to be friends...we also need to grow up)

I've purchased a week's worth of goodness, I have my food diary printed and ready to go. Here's hoping there are no breakdowns this week!

I'm fairly overwhelmed by the support from everyone. I appreciate it very much! All I ask is that no one brings a chic fil a sandwich or pasta around me for a few weeks. I"m ready to start this and ready to begin a new life. This is after all behavior and lifestyle modification. I don't plan on changing who I am...I just plan on finally looking in the mirror and thinking "DAMN I look awesome..." and not having a "...but" follow.

Here's to the future and being able to step foot in the rest of the stores at the mall and actually be able to buy something.

Today is the end of talk and the beginning of action!

BRING ON THE CHANGE!

#i can do this #optifast #fitspo #health #vanity #but mostly health

So it begins...

Tomorrow is my consultation and hopefully the first day of the diet is going to happen this weekend. I decided a week ago that I would go ahead and give up alcohol and this decision has left me emotionally teetering between pride in myself and a deep desire to drink a case of angry orchard and michelob ultra. I'm not the biggest drinker in the world, but the thought of not having it for the next 6 months makes it sound so amazing right now.

I know this lifestyle change is not going to be easy...but I know it will be worth it. I can't wait for the first results so that I can be even more positive that this is possible.

In completely unrelated news...I just finished the first season of Broadchurch and it is amazing. A-freaking-mazing.

until next time... goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

#diet #fun #not fun #GET THIS PARTY STARTEDDDDD

Start the Commotion

Ahoy. This is not just another weight loss blog...well maybe it is...but hopefully this one is a little more interesting. Let's be honest it will probably just be post after post about the internal battle between my taste buds wanting chic fil a and my chest understanding how much heartburn sucks.

So a little backstory...I'm 25 and I've pretty much been fast for the last 17 years of my life. I don't remember the point when it got to be a little ridiculous and chicken fingers started to run my life, but I do remember that it almost all started to go down hill when Chic Fil A came to town. I'm almost fairly certain that stuff is filled with crack. Crack that has a time delay for cravings only on Sundays. So I'm not going to get into the horrible realities of being fat in high school because I didn't technically have any worse of a high school experience than the average dorky kid who was more into Harry Potter than drinking and having sex. I had a few friends and a lot of acquaintances, I was never ridiculed for my weight. I also never made a big deal about it. I was fat, it wasn't a secret. Everyone preaches about loving your self and your body, but for me I just couldn't. How are you supposed to love the one thing that you hate about yourself?

Despite my wonderful mother's best efforts my self esteem has always teetered between a 2-3/10 moving up slightly to a 3-4/10 when college and real friends happened. I knew why dates didn't happen, I didn't put myself out there and then I didn't want to because I'm a shallow person so why would anyone ever care to date anyone who looked like me. I mean I have bigger hands than most adult men. Why would I be found sexy or attractive? The answer to me was that I never would.

No one will ever convince me that being fat is a thing that I should just love and embrace about myself. It used to be because it was all ugly...no one like jiggly "more to love" skin that just hangs there putting extra pressure on your heart. Now it is because if I don't get rid of it I'm going to die before I've lived a complete life...just because I like my chicken and potatoes fried. This has officially become unacceptable.

I recently met with my doctor and not only am I fat...I'm morbidly obese. I made a few jokes about this, but it truly terrifies me. There's so much life left in me and it could all be gone tomorrow by a sudden heart attack or something similar because of food. (well food and fireball, but that's an ENTIRELY different story for an ENTIRELY different blog) If I'm going to be around to be the best daughter and aunt I can be...shouldn't I start making the correct changes to a healthy lifestyle? The answer you're looking for here is HELL YES! (i promise that is the only swear I will use...there will be some flowery alternatives...but I'll do my best to keep it clean)

So this is where this blog comes in...On Friday I will be going for my first appointment for a Non-Surgical weightless program and embark on a 21 week journey to a new me. The first half of the program is an all liquid diet. I'm both terrified and excited. I'm confident that i can do it...it will not be easy and I will not be the most pleasant person ever...but I'm ready for this more than I have ever been ready for anything in my life. AND since I'll be locking myself away from food at least for the first few weeks what better way to occupy my time than with a handy dandy blog.

I will post as much as possible on here. Most won't be this long and if you are still reading now...props to you my friend!

On top of the liquid diet I shall be exercising and getting the buns of steel that Cher always talked about (or just mentioned once but I'm an exaggerator). Shout out to my fearless trainer Nicole who has never given up on me...time to make you and everyone else proud!

Here's to a great 26th year! Time to get healthy and happy.

#weightloss #optifast #this is gonna be real #probably not fun #i can do this #fitspo

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