Labyrinth @lost-nirvana - Tumblr Blog

Today I went to the beach alone

Today I went to the beach alone. I don’t often get a chance to go to the beach because school, work, and life in general tend to get in the way. But today reminded me that I need to push the business aside, push the excuses aside, and go sit on the beach by myself more often. I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately and being by and with myself has been challenging. Recently, when it is me and only me, is when the dark and destructive thought patterns seep in and spiral out of control. But today reminded me that me is pretty good company. It reminded me that being in my own head is not a bad place to be. I felt a sort of peace just laying there in the sand thinking, reading, thinking, reading. No music, just the sound of the lives that were happening all around me. It was beautiful. It was hopeful. It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t retreat into myself and get tangled in the messy web of my all too fucked up emotional state. As I listened to the families chatted while the children played in the sand, as I listened to the kids screaming and laughing as they ran away from the cold water, as I listened to the friends making jokes, laughing, and creating memories, I too was creating memories. Sometimes when it is just me, I get the most amazing opportunities to witness the beautiful things that usually escape my notice. When I’m busy, I don’t see the children playing or hear their absolutely delighted laughter. Really is there anything more joyful than a child’s laugh? When I’m busy I don’t see the various types of love. Puppy love between the two teenagers walking hand in hand. Established love between the to 50 or 60 somethings sitting side by side. Tender love between mother and child as she wipes the sand off the child’s bum. The love between friends that seems to fill a hole in your heart that nothing else can. Just all the different types of people and the different types of love, that’s the stuff that makes me hope. So today I went to the beach alone. I sat in my own company and was awed by the lives and love in full swing everywhere I turned. So today, I am hopeful. Today, I am peaceful.

#beach #serenity #self #blog #love #children #family #friends

For tonight.

I came home after a week and a half away. I carried my bag up the stairs and lit a candle to freshen the stale air. As I unpacked and the smell of the candle began to waft around the room, suddenly I was struck with a crazy feeling of deja vu accompanied by a feeling of nostalgia. I was struck with memories of you. My room felt foreign and new, which reminded me of when I met you. The candle I lit was the one I lit before you came over for the first time. The night is hot, as it was that night. I turned on my air conditioner and the contrast between the heat of the hallway and the coolness of my room felt exactly the same as it did when you were here. I suppose what I am trying to say is that, in this moment, I miss you. I am grateful for what I experienced with you. And right now, as I smell this candle and feel the warm air outside my door, the cool air behind it, and the odd novelty of coming home, I miss you. But as I take a closer look at my room, I see all the things that are not the same. Minor changes, but changes nonetheless. And I realize, I am not the same. This past year has brought about so many changes that I can’t even begin to count. All this makes me wonder if it is you that I miss or the idea of you. Maybe it is only the way that you made me feel that I miss. The butterflies. The rush of the chase. The feeling of being wanted, desired, beautiful. The feeling of victory when the chase was over and you were mine. Being yours or someone’s. Is that what I miss? I don’t know. What I do know, is that right here and right now, I am thinking of you and I miss you. Whether it is the way you made me feel or all of you doesn’t matter, I am missing you. I am wishing that things were different. I am mourning what could have been. All of these feelings will disappear in the morning when the memories of what followed the first night rise with the sun, but for tonight, I am allowing myself to miss you.

#exes #nostalgia #raw #real #emotion #blogging #i miss you #journal

Blogging

For a while now I have thought about blogging. Not just pictures and whatever, but actually blogging. Every so often, I am plagued by thoughts that keep me from falling asleep and I have started to write them down. For whatever reason, I feel the urge to post them. It doesn’t really matter where. I just need to put it out there somewhere. So here I am. They will probably be few and far between, but I need to put them somewhere.