Lost in this world

I'm lost and can't be found

[recaption]

[especially]

[especially]

[tackled]

[especially]

[inksplit]

[sleepin]

[ahurtlamb-deactivated20200202]

i wanna get drunk and kiss a lot and not think for a while

[boobstouch]

S h m o o d

[lostandalonenow]

How fucking hard is it to reach out to real people on here? I really need someone to talk to but none of my so called friends give a fuck about me

[lostandalonenow]

Like seriously, fuck. Are you fucking serious? Fuck fake friends. Fuck everyone. I fucking hate people. I dont know why I'm surprised. Oh wait. Yes I do. Because this happens every fucking time. Every single fucking time my friends care more about my ex's than they do me. My closest fucking friends. Meanwhile I'm just an expendable piece of shit to them who brings around these people who always fucking hurt me and when things inevitably fall apart my friends care about then because they're out there pretending to be hurt and begging for attention and talking shit about me meanwhile I sit and suffer in fucking silence because I'm too good a person to pull that shit. FUCK THAT. I'm allowed to be selfish. I'm allowed to expect my friends to care about me. I shouldn't have to ask my friends to care about me and come off as pathetic. They just fucking should. That's how it works. I check up on them. I make sure they're okay. But they dont give a fuck about me. I left the country and the entire time I was gone I was checking up with then and making sure they were going well but they couldnt be bothered to see if I was doing well. Newsflash. I fucking wasn't! That's why i was talking to them in the first place. Fuck it. They dont care. I'll forgive them sooner than I should and I'll forget all about this just in time for it to happen all over again. Fuck

[lostandalonenow]

I miss the days when I could listen to twenty one pilots and I could feel something

[lostandalonenow]

I hope writing these recent posts has been therapeutic in some way

[lostandalonenow]

Dear B,

I think my favorite time with you was when we got back from our vacation to Florida. The one you set up. You originally shot down my idea of a group vacation because you wanted it to just be the two of us and you were afraid I would invite "the boys" that would ruin the trip and you wouldn't get quality time. You didn't understand me. I would never do that. I was going to invite b&r who you loved and wanted to vacay with. Maybe r&r or m&a or t&a. You loved them. The only guy I would have invited was f because I knew he would be cool about the whole thing. And you agreed we could have a trip just the two of us in the Pacific northwest. The place you never wanted me to go because you always said I'd never come back. And I told you time and time again I would, I just liked the idea of it out there but I still needed to see it formyself. Maybe that's why you agreed to that in the first place. But then you "just wanted to see" what it would be like to vacay in Florida. And then you "just wanted to see" what it would be like to get a house for 6 instead of 2. And the. You booked it. And invited the people I wanted to invite. Okay, I can always see the Pacific northwest another time, I was glad to be going on vacation with you and my/our friends. And we had an alright time. About what I expected. But that isnt what I miss most. I miss most the week after that.

The week that your mom went on vacation because she copied everything that you do. And she left us no choice but to watch her place because no one else could be trusted. That was okay. We got to spend a week together with your dog, unwinding in a place just the two of us. I would lay on the couch all day watching daredevil or arrow and talk your dog on walks while I got to play pokemon go. And then you would come home from work and we would make dinner, cuddle on the couch, and one night even open the bottle of wine I had been saving for a special occasion just for it to have gone bad after being stored for a year. I was heartbroken because I wanted you to taste this amazing wine and it had gone bad. But you didnt care. You were happy to be with me. That was the week I handcuffed you to the bed, and dropped wax on your bare skin. That was the week you got too drunk at my friends 4th of July party before the fireworks even began. That was the week that I thought that we could work out. After all we had been through there was a lot of times that I "knew" we wouldn't make it. I was really just waiting for something to go wrong because it always and inevitably did. I remember waiting for the weeks leading up to our vacation how we were going to break up and who was going to get the vacation, me and my friends or you and yours. But that was the week that I thought maybe I had been wrong. Maybe being with you wouldn't be so bad. I'm sorry that I didnt treat you better. No. That's not right. I'm sorry that i didnt treat you in the love language that you would have understood. I was too wrapped up in me and how i did things that i didnt even try to use your form of communication. In all fairness though, i think you did the same.

That was the week I miss. I know I'll never have you back, but I will always have those memories and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I wish you all the best.

Love,

-P

[lostandalonenow]

Things I miss about you

I miss how we used to sit and watch the flash together for hours. I dont know if I can watch it again without you.

I miss how we used to watch every marvel movie together. I tried watching the new ones but it's just not the same.

I miss our play fights over nothing.

I miss the way you would giggle when you called me names.

I miss spending hours in your room doing nothing but laying there.

I miss just being happy to be bear you.

I miss how you used to come to my house and kick me off my games just so you could play.

I miss the way you fit perfectly against me while we slept.

I miss how happy you were when I brought you to parties with my friends and you realized that some friendships are good for you.

I miss you always trying to get me to sneak off with you and make love.

I miss your cheesy smile when you knew you were being goofy or spoiled. God, that smile always got the best of me.

I miss how you always wanted to cook me food and make us feel like we had a real home.

I miss you.

I really do.

But I think things are better now.

I dont miss how we used to argue all the time over about things that didnt matter but we acted like they did.

I dont miss how I used every excuse I could to push you away.

I dont miss you feeling the need to explain things to me that to me were just basic common sense.

I dont miss how you used to take everything so seriously.

I dont miss how you wouldn't listen to the advice I was giving you. You always thought it was my trying to attack or demean you but I just wanted you to learn and grow.

I dont miss how sometimes when I would try to 'deliver' the advice I would sometimes attack and demean you.

I dont miss how we rarely saw eye to eye.

I know you and I were looking for different things. But you had that sweet innocence that our relationship would last forever. I know I told you that no ones first real relationship lasts. You put in too much and love too hard and you burn so brightly just for the flame to go out quicker. You bring so much intense passion but dont realise that you only have so much and you're going through it all. And you rely too much on me to bring you happiness when you needed to be happy with yourself first

I hope things are going better for you now.

I really do.

I hope you meet someone who makes you feel wanted. Makes you their priority. Makes you realise that they're not your other half but someone who can help you build and grow.

Most importantly I hope you find yourself.

I hope you feel complete.

I hope you realize that you dont need anyone else in your life. But if there is someone that you both respect each other and acknowledge how you both communicate.

I miss you.

I really do.

But I dont want to get back with you.

[honigimohr]

cant wait until i get cuddled to sleep every night by the love of my life

[cursivewind]

I waaaaant deep connection

[lostandalonenow]

ngl, a homie been feelin' a little heartbroken and sad lately. Doesn't help that im homesick too. I rarely just wish I had someone to talk to about all this