A certain uncertainty

I thought I was lost before, then this.

[lostchipmunk]

Since being diagnosed I've become aware how little people know what MS is or anything about it. It's such a pot luck kind of deal, I've been lucky so far but who is to say if I will be this time next year. Someone could of had it the exact amount of time as me and be in a completely different state of ability or disability. It is definitely something that needs more attention and more awareness raised. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to say "no it's not just being tired, I'm not tired" and in regards to MS no I'm not tired. Sometimes my thighs feel full of concrete or like today my entire right leg feels like it's full of jelly but I'm not tired. Not tired from this anyway.

[lostchipmunk]

Some days are just so much harder

Heartbreak is a bitch, I'm not going to say it's easier but some days I'm more numb now and only just crying but this morning I was abruptly woken up by my dreaming.

A dream where I could hear his voice so clearly and his hand on my shoulder, he just wasn't there when I opened my eyes.

Today was therapy day and that's always like picking scabs off of an unhealed wound, freshly bleeding and raw, so I just hurt.

Physically hurt, emotional hurt.

I never knew missing someone could be so excruciating.

He doesn't seem upset, to miss me or to be struggling without me. Maybe I will always love you and I'm not replacing you was just a lie.

After a stressful week of police investigations (wrong person and poor detective work) and an unexpected letter from the hospital for another specialist that I wasn't expecting this morning I feel spent.

Endocrinology appointment for April all because I have a less than average pituitary stalk which I've been told is nothing to worry about in the past, the way my year is going it makes me wonder if it is something to worry about.

If things are going from shit to shitter why would expect otherwise.

Called my MS nurse near crying and she settled me a little regarding the specialist but gave me an update on my lemtrada.

I'm just so scared of everything right now and that treatment coming up (as lucky as I am to get it and I know that I am) is terrifying me.

MS hasn't had a huge impact on me thus far (again, lucky... very lucky) and I've never really been too ill throughout my life so when I am I don't cope so well and if anything it stands to make me feel like crap for a while, if it works as intended then yes it's worth it but the thought of getting through it? That's a huge hurdle.

[lostchipmunk]

I always thought he would be there.

After I started having problems that all pointed to MS he was there for me.

I joined online groups and people would post about their partners leaving because they couldn't handle it and there I was with a boyfriend wanting to be there for my first MRI and getting upset because he couldn't make the second one.

He sat by my side as I met my neurologist to diagnose me and again for the next.

He felt awful for not being able to make my lumbar puncture appointments but called me constantly throughout the spinal headache that I got afterwards.

He was positive and looking towards being there for me throughout my treatment.

My treatment dates are mid - late march.

He dumped me at the start of February, I was just the easiest thing to get rid of in his complicated life.

Now I'm lost because multiple sclerosis has such an uncertain path but I always felt safe and that there was something, someone I could be certain about.

I felt so lucky that my boyfriend was sticking with me, I guess not.