Spilled Thoughts

With every word that staines the page, I'm one step further from rage

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Here I am at 3 am

I taste you on my tongue with every new stranger I kiss,

I swallow it down in frustration every time they fail to kiss me like you did.

Their breath turns stale on my lips every time I picture you...

You with your messed up hair like a veil upon your face,

The cocky smirk at the corner of your smile, the devious spark in your eyes,

You and the warmth of your body against mine, the soothing sound of your voice whispering in my ears like prayers.

[...]

They touch me with sweaty palms while you dugged holes in me with sun-kissed fingers.

I miss you deliriously.

Your hands, your lips, your arms that swallowed me whole like a home you never wanna leave.

I miss you... Deliriously trying to replace you with something new.

With something better...

But it's dark now, and there's no one on my side, just a void on my left and the cold wall on my right.

I keep trying to find what we had,

To plant the seed and give it life in someone else,

In someone new, in someone better.

I keep trying to water plants that refuse to grow roots into the ground.

I keep trying to feel that warmth, that level of intimacy, of instant recognition, and ease.

I keep trying to feel loved again. A better love, a healthier love,

I keep trying to love someone more worthy of my whole.

But here I am again, thinking of you.

Here I am wishing I never realised I deserve better.

Here I am missing every single inch of everything that hurt me for so long.

Here I am defeated and exhausted of carrying a love too stubborn to die but too sick to flourish.

Here I am struggling to write a chapter in which you do not fit anymore. Here I am trying to bury the only thing that gave me life.

Here I am admitting loving you at 3 am hoping this will make it go away.

I wonder how you are again, and there are days when I wish you to be happy, at peace, and even moved on.

Moved on with someone who can complete you, and accept you in all the ways I couldn't.

But there are moments as today when I hope you're staring at the celling thinking of the missing pillow next to you. Thinking of me in ways that make your heart ache.

Here I am,

And there you are two blocks away from me.

Here I am hoping we are alone together.

What a strange thing to want him gone but wish him closer.

Love is really good at ignoring the warnings of the mind.

It beats its own drums and follows it's own rules. It grows a life of it's own and suddenly you live two lives.

Suddenly your mind ain't quick enough to give reason to your heart.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

The Waltz of The Moon and Sun

You're just like the moon

Constant like a guiding light that never flickers or dies.

Equally present and composed throughout day and night.

I'm the sun,

Although blinding still inviting.

Blissfully warm from afar,

While brutally burning from upclose.

My presence beames in the light

Yet fades away shamelessly into the darkness of the night.

No matter how many times we start this waltz,

You stay rooted on the sky,

While I'm never present for the grand finale.

By A.A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Daughters of the moon

You walk around mothered by earth and fathered by the moon.

You breathe in air like it's your heritage to own.

You swift through life like wind,

You are furios floods that drown and composed rains that nourish.

The stars look down on us only to witness the spark in your eyes

The seas bite into the sand just to grasp the feeling of your humble feet.

You stirr oceans like a flame ablaze in the middle of the water.

The grass itself bends in your presence,

Birds fly only to lead you,

And animals hunt only to feed you.

You carry the sun on your skin,

The moon in your heart,

The earth in your womb,

And the world on your mind.

You are women!

Raise your eyes from the ground, the sky is waiting.

Don't bite your tongue down, it was meant to roar

Don't shy away, a hungry lion wouldn't.

I see you starved, silenced and chained down,

They cut down our wings afraid we'll fly too far for them to follow.

I see what they've done to the daughters of the moon,

I see them enslaved.

Oh fierce women,

Life ends and begins with the motion of your hips,

Life hangs and shudders at your lips.

You who are the foundation of the world,

HOW DARE THEY?

YOU ARE WOMEN!

Never to be belittled, never to be tossed away when you were meant to march through the fields of the fucking world.

You are women and that stands for so much more,

You are women, no one's but your own.

You are feathers, fangs and claws caged for too long.

They said you were born in sin

Buy they brought the sin to you.

By A. A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

The Lovers Of Time

Present rushes right past you like a thrill you cannot grasp.

If Present were my lover

She'd be as rapid as a summer rain,

She'd be split seconds of endless possibilities with every step.

Once you wrong her, such a deed can't be undone.

She's the kind of soul that lives every second like her last,

Whose every breath is a blessing yet to come.

The type of one night stand that engulfs you in the evening but leaves you with the first sight of light.

Present wouldn't finch, wouldn't stumble, beg or cry. She'd just move forward and unless you're fast enough to follow she'll leave you behind.

If you fall behind Present your Past will run you down.

Past is the toxic love your mother warned you about.

He's like a relic on a pedestal, close enough to see yet way too high to be grasped or molded in your palms.

He creeps into your soul while haunting your mind,

He keeps you up at night with all the times you failed in life,

He tears through the stitches of ancient wounds and pokes his fingers inside.

He feeds off insecurity for fun,

He creeps in every time you try to catch up with your life,

He grips you with sticky claws and drags you behind with every leap you take forward.

Beyond Present there's a time not yet seen by the human eye

Future is the kind of lover we all dream about.

The perfect figure, the idilic tone and fragrance in and out.

Future is the sum of all the aspiration of tomorrow,

She's every hope and dream too grand to even consider them out loud.

She is everything we want, altogether with everything we deny ourselves from having.

She is the kind of noble lady for whose courtship you've strategies your whole life, yet never dared to act it out.

We ought to make love with Present, and kiss her breathlessly at every crossroad of our life.

We must make amends with Past, quick to forgive yet, slow to forget.

For Future,

We must make room in our minds.

By A. A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

SCARLET GRAVES

Will my own heart bleed as a consequence of stabbing yours ?

Will I join you in the scarlet pool of it?

Will we synchronise our drowning?

I'm sick of the solitude of being the only one left untampered,

Tired of being unscarred and alone.

For all the sins I should atone

I still set my heart in stone.

This time I want my sloppy lungs to groan

I long for it in my bone

I want it to be Shown,

Known,

And impossible to overthrown.

I'm the most peculiar case of standing on graves without ever finding my own.

By A.A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Certainty and I

What is certainty I often wonder,

And what feelings are or aren't ?

Where do they start and where do they meet?

When do you know?

"You just know!" they say.

What is love I wonder as I look at your figure fading away.

I'm inclined to say not this, and certainly not with you, if I even have to wonder at all.

But maybe love comes in many shapes and this one will no longer try to conquer me with force. Unless, for once, I'm willing to embrace its warmth.

Maybe this love is shy and all this time I've been letting it pale away in a wasteland crushed by stirred waves of a barren sea.

Perhaps it just needs a lil bit of air, while I've been drowning it in violent rain.

I've denied its existence in so many ways it stopped trying to adress me, and decided to patiently wait for me at the gates, standing too tall for it to climb.

Will I do her the courtesy to come? Will I step out of the very walls I've designed to keep them out and me inside?

Or will I once again lock her out.

They say it's not a decision they say "You just know!"

But do I?

I don't know how to open rusty gates or push my way outside.

But maybe this time I'll try,

Maybe this time I'll meet you outside.

By A. A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Cry if you must,

Cry with the dignity of knowing you have felt .

Do what you must today, so it will hurt a little less tomorrow.

If Sorrow is beyond your door, unlock it

If Sorrow knocks, embrace it

Drown yourself in tears

But do so quick and do so now.

Cry if you must,

But don't you forget

Sorrow is meant to visit, yet never stay

The sooner you let Sorrow in, the faster you can make it leave.

Cry if you must,

But then you lick the salt off your lips,

Dry the tears on your cheeks

and you shut the door behind it.

by A.A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

He stands for pianist fingers playing all the wrong notes on violin chords.

Excerpt from 'Names so Unkind'

by A.A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Remember

When you're gone and there's nothing but dust behind

Remember me as the wild flower you shouldn't have picked

If you must leave

Remember me as the girl that freed her spirit on the dancefloor.

As the girl in the white dress hiding away the darkness

Keep me in you heart as a smile you can't seem to stop your lips from forming.

Remember me as sweaty palms,

as the first snow you were expecting as a child

Remember me as a look gazing into your very soul,

as whispers as powerful as screams

Remember me as all the shades of green mixing into one.

But forget the sleepless nights,

the unsaid trying to crawl out of your insides

Try forget the silent treaty while everything inside of you was loud

Ignore all the songs that gave voice to the scars I left behind,

Ignore the times I left.

But remember how I rushed back to you

Forget the tears and just focus on my smile

on your smile

on our smile

on us laughing just by looking in each other's eyes

on my lips crushing yours.

on your trembling voice

on my daring eyes,

Remember that!

Remember your fingertips tracing my figure, like a painter would a work of art

Remember you were happy,

Remember so was I

Forget you were left ruined.

Forget that I was not...

Pretend this time is different

Pretend and so will I

Close your eyes again and let me blind them one more time.

by A.A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Names so unkind

M stands for my very first kiss

it stands for a beating heart and shaking lips

it stands for swallowed fears and hundreds of butterflies all alive in my insides

it stands for steps I won't retrace.

F was a classic

the classic ecstatic that turns to dramatic

the finest fabric turning into plastic

it stands for hushed regrets and unsmoked cigarettes

it stands for lust mistaken for love

it stands for a lesson engraved in my bones

like a drunk tattoo you like to hide

like a part of you, you no longer recognise

Like a limb I use but never call it mine

I took a hungry bite of an apple just to find it rotten inside

your name stands for lies I  swallowed and smiles I borrowed

it stands for a figure I can't stand to see before my eyes

it stands for a version of me I'll never justify

it stands for cutting ties

it stands for spiting out your lies

it's about reaching new heights and touching the sky

It's about counting your lies in gratitude for making me wise.

A was an even bigger lie

he was lies starving me as I was desperate for truth and a bite of something less sly

he stands for how pathetic some men are

A stands for all the moans he talked about that were never mine

he stands for fiction in which I was the porn star

he stands for the worst of his kind, he stands for how stupid I am when it comes to men and their lies.

he stands for greddy hands unworthy of my lands

he stands for all the things wrong in a man.

V stands for my first sight of light

but not the kind that burns your eyes

he was steady, he was calm and he was still there in the daylight

he stands for fooling around in the summer time

he stands for constant smiles and make outs in a haunted house

he was a fresh dose of truth after a never-ending suffocating stench of lies

he was real, he was good, he was more than most men could.

C stands for unshared love

C stands for all I should yet never could

C stands for too many goodbyes followed by hello's

he was constant, he was warm

I was distant, I was cold

it stands for the purest love that of a child unable to understand his partner dining on his soul.

Another A stands for trying in vain,

for reaching for that same damned illusion again

for putting yourself out there just so he'll cast you right back into your shell

he stands for frantically looking for warmth in the wrong place

he stands for pianist fingers playing all the wrong notes on violin chords.

I'm stained by names that couldn't fit mine

Stained by names that fill me with feelings unkind

Names that make my heart sink

Names that filled my paper with ink

And I realise after all this vodka neat I could sure use a softer drink.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

So tell me now that you sold your soul,  will the money replace the hole?

A.A.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Selfish hands

Your  greedy hands turn gold into silver and diomonds into stones

And I'm sick of giving you what was only meant to be my own

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Leaving game

First time you left wast worst

And if the second time hurts more the third time hurts less

So the fourth time I shut the door behind you.

You came back next season desperate to get me back and I smiled with cold eyes.

You plant pain and ripe sorrow and I'm just the mirror smiling back at you.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Nowhere to run

Sometimes it's better to run towards something than to stay with nowhere to run

Sometimes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

Nothing promises nothing and takes even less.

I'd rather cry than fake a smile

Sometimes falling sounds better than keeping your ground

I'd rather have pain stain my soul than to let numbness control my whole.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Spare the Sorrow

Don't use your pain as an excuse to bruise.

Real strength is giving love when all you've known is hate.

It's bringing people up precisely because you've been down.

You're supposed to give what you want to receive.

If someone throws sticks and stones at you, don't pick them up and throw them at the next one.

Knowing the pain why would you inflict it on somebody else?

Only the unloved hate, the unloved and the unatural.

Don't hate them back my love,

pity them...

Cause they are only capable of loving you with the intensity with which they love themselves.

They wanna make you feel smaller so they'll seem taller.

It's the sign of the weak wishing to be strong

But you, you can be better

You can drown in sorrow but share joy.

Stand tall above it all and smile

Smile at those who are hostile

Say sorry and worry

Say please

Say 'stay' instead of 'leave'

Say yes

Say 'I'm here' even though no one ever said it to you before.

Be there for people even though you've always stood alone.

Be good yourself and only then

will you attract the goodness in men.

Be kind, be good, be generous, you can't know who needs it more.

Don't judge.

Don't grudge.

Respect, protect and don't neglect.

Love what you can't understand,

Shelter all those who were banned.

Give to those who demand

Ask but never command

And don't crush others in your need to expand.

Apreciate beauty without questioning your own.

Don't inquire, don't ignore

Care without keeping the score

Don't hate, adore

Be a saviour in this cold harsh war.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Turning Tables

Your mouth shapes every word with care

But there's always a different story your eyes confer.

Only you can say 'I love you' and make it sound like a swear.

Your words bring me closer while your actions push me further.

You whisper then you scream.

You stay just to leave.

Months on a row waiting for a call to prove I'm not alone.

You wanna see me until you do.

You come for sunshine but run from storms.

You watch me from afar afraid to get too close.

You want my love without giving your own.

You bring me high just to throw me down.

Please if you raise your voice don't let your hands follow.

You avoid chores, slam doors and start wars while I'm expected to give nothing but rewards.

You worship flowers but despise the thorns.

You ripped me from the ground to decorate your empty soul, forgot to water me, then threw me out in the cold.

You like me as I bloom, you're here for spring yet you leave me as I start to wither in the wind.

You come and go like seasons,

like I'm nothing but a cheap resort.

Good enough to visit, but never good enough to stay.

[lostmyselfbetweenthelines]

Starting fires

Holding her hand was like holding a butterfly. Or a heartbeat. Like holding something complete, and completely alive. Like barely touching something afraid it might crumble away leaving you alone in the night.

It was like trying to grab a breath or abstain from blinking for the rest of your life. It was like running in the dark and reaching for the stars.

It was unreal, it felt impossible, it felt good, it made him feel alive.

Touching her felt like two melting into one.

Looking into her eyes felt like pulling out for air just before you drown.

Seeing her smile felt like being kept in the dark just to be blinded by the light.

Kissing her was electricity burning his insides. She started a fire without putting it out.

She called his name with honey dripping off her lips and he clung to her like she was holding the universe.

He's a summer rain and she's a hurricane.