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[lostnruined]

I'm feeling every crack and fracture today

I have nothing left, even for me

And the hardest part is seeing that no one cares or notices enough to take care of me

I'm still taking care of everyone, the attention, time, meals, laundry, playing, managing emotions that aren't mine, fixing, prepping, working... So much

And with hardly any sleep, they don't let me sleep

And Manny just pulls away, when I need more support, more hugs, more comfort, snuggles, time, conversation, sex even, anything... he backs off, and I am feeling the cracks grow, spread, and I am running with nothing.

I am hollowing out, leaking like a sive, giving all I can and more, and still, no sleep, no recovery.

No time to even cry, work now, kids after, dinner, chores, needs needs, it doesn't end.

[lostnruined]

Did I do something wrong 😞

You're being so distant

You said it was because you were disappointed that we aren't having a night with just us but now you're outside, without saying anything, without me, and you never sit outside without me, smoking cigar without me and I just feel like either you're guilty about something that I need to know about or I did something to push you away and you've not told me.

I'm just going to leave you alone for now I guess.

[lostnruined]

I say things with silliness and with heart, fun intentions

And I can see and hear you being annoyed and dismiss me

When it happens, which isn't often but enough that I take it to heart, I walk away thinking...

I do my best to never let you see when you annoy me because someday you may not be around to annoy me and I would miss it.

I have to remember that isn't you. And my silliness can annoy you. I'm realizing a few things about me annoy you actually.

I think I need to ponder this, reflect on it and be more aware of when this happens. Of the different ways I annoy you.

[lostnruined]

How do my efforts to reconnect get received by you as fighting

I don't understand it

You retell the situation and I agree with you

I say and you're also missing the other half of this, which is mine

You say the same things again

And I say I don't know what to do. We are stuck in a loop right now and I don't know what to do

You're reaction...

Sorry I'm traumatizing you with my loop...

And a whole new argument ensues.

You're reaction was not a thought of ...

What can we do

Where can we go from here

Offer any sort of direction

Offer anything in the way of resolution or fixing things but to low blow me with words and expect it not to hurt, expect it not to make me want to get away from the pain you just caused.

Even your attempt to come outside and start a conc was with attack...

I can leave if you need soace

While you're texting people out here

You did that to your ex and I'm not him

No invite to come inside and talk

No attempt to apologize in that moment

No accountability then

Why not offer me something to hold on to?

An invite to talk

An option to be there with me

No words, just presence

Offer me accountability

Offer a hug

But you leave and in worse shape than we were, I come inside and with absolute truth I tell you it is a line you have crossed one too many times for it to ever happen again.

You finally apologize, which I am thankful for but I am lost.

I am water and I am lost.

I tell you as much, I don't know what to do, I want to fix this but whenever I try, something is wrong and it makes it worse.

You say nothing. Sit there. You continue to sit there. I finally leave the room.

I need the space I wasn't afforded earlier.

I need to find my center because you're incapable. You can't do any of the things that help me. You've said it plenty of times before.

And while I am here I wonder if I can trust your word to not bring my ex into arguments again.

You've broken so many words of promise to me that I hesitate to believe it. Not like I would have once upon a time.

And I am scared you'll break this promise and it'll break me so completely that this heaven on earth we have will be gone.

I imagine i would live in a car until I had enough for a small apartment or go live with Christine like she wanted to before.

I would die inside.

Your move to Texas and take everything with you. I would only take my clothes, the rest is all yours. I wouldn't want anything from the life of us.

So here I am picturing an end to the happiest part of my life because I'm in pain and you are not capable of easing it.

And yet, I'll always choose you, for as long as you'll have me or until you've broken me enough that I have nothing left.

I pray it never happens 🙏🏻

[lostnruined]

To say you would have had to met me that way, in order for how I dress to be "okay with you", is a bit wild to me.

You met me under circumstances where I was whittled down to nothing, had no self value, and no money if my own to be able to dress how I wanted.

And presently, I still don't have the capital to dress the many ways I wish I could.

How you met me and how I am today is not the fullness of who I am.

I didn't like pink for years because I saw it as a color of weakness, now I see it for the beautiful softness it can represent.

I am water

Somedays a stream

Somedays a puddle

Somedays a storm

I am always changing and to limit what you're okay with based on how I want to dress throughout my life, which maybe limited by my present financial ability, is absolutely wild.

[lostnruined]

Feeling like what I say doesn't matter sometimes. I listen, I acknowledge, I stay present. Then it's my turn to share my thoughts, my opinion, why it may be special to me and I'm met with "are still talking about this"

Dismissal all around.

I really go out of my way to not let anyone feel like their opinions can't be heard.

Dismissal is my Achilles I guess

Always strikes the nerve

And I fight to stay positive on the outside

While my brain is narrowing and my emotions are wavering

My being becomes unsteady and my world unsafe

My heart shakes

My skin chills

Dismissed, cast aside, unworthy of being listened to, regret at having something to say

[lostnruined]

A bit lost today

Small hole found a way into my happiness and it's been slowly getting bigger

Making my head hurt, teeth ache, and neck on fire

Someday, I remind myself, someday this depression won't be a thing anymore, I hope.

I can only hope.

It sneaks up like a whisper and as much as I try to keep it quiet, to ignore it, to set it aside, it gets loud. So loud.

And the effort to look like I'm okay all the time is exhausting in its own way.

It's unfortunate that I don't have the ability to fall apart freely, it doesn't do anyone any good.

Even though it feels like it would be, I have learned a hard lesson, that reality doesn't always handle feelings well.

Just tired.

My thoughts are tired of cycling through the memories I don't want. My heart needs rest from the feelings that break me.

My soul... No strength.

Someday.

Someday.

[lostnruined]

Damn I love you

So much it hurts

I can be gone for a few hours and I am desperate to get home

Just you

Just us

Just our bubble

Just love you

Only you

Forever you

Lifetimes of you

I can't say it enough

You

You

You

I was made for you

I don't care why

I don't even ask

You

For all the wishes and hopes

It's you

My heart was yours before I was born

It hurts even now because time slips so quickly together

I am so aware of time with you

It'll go too fast every day

It always does

I hate it, I hate time

But I love only you

[lostnruined]

I sit and think... You ask if I'm talking to other men. And I can 100% say no I am not. You smile and it settles that uncertainty inside you. It hurts because you looking and following other women, for me, equates to talking to them. So you can't say the same, not to me, not with the honestly I say it to you. 💔

[lostnruined]

You look at women online and I don't understand it.

I don't understand how you can call me beautiful and I see the type of woman I'm compared to.

I don't understand the ownership you claim to want and have for me but look at other women.

I don't understand the excuse of looking at women who aren't me.

I don't understand how you're able to do that to me.

What's the point of me saying anything when you'll have some excuse, some reason, to make it okay for you to keep doing it, I don't understand.

I don't understand why it hurts so much.

I don't understand why the person I love with everything has to look at anyone but me.

You broke my soul open years ago and I don't understand how you dug so deep into me and then are able to hurt me so easily.

Should I be looking at other men?

Should I level the field so it hurts less?

I don't understand.

Not to mention yesterday. I asked if you would be okay with other men hugging me and some how you managed to compare me with Michelle.

You were okay with her being hugged by other men so why wouldn't you be okay with me being hugged. I'm not her. I'm not supposed to be anyone but me. And I thought you loved me so much that you didn't want anyone else touching me, just you.

I don't understand anymore.

I'm lost and confused.

These things I took as treasures, only with you... I am seeing that you don't see them as treasures... You don't see me as a treasure even though you say it, maybe you don't mean it, not in the same way.

I just ...

Don't...

Understand.

[lostnruined]

I'm sad and confused

Since you got home yesterday you tune me out. I'll be speaking to you and mis sentence I can see you're on your phone, not hearing me at all 😞

I know you were worn out and exhausted from the day so I buried my disappointment and cooked dinner.

After dinner more of the same, I talked, you didn't hear me. And at some point you asked if I was okay, I said everything is fine and pretended it was knowing if I said anything it would have become turned around on me. Because you e had a day and I should be aware of your moods.

The other side of the coin, I waited all day in excitement to see you. Send you videos of me missing you, pictures of myself alone at home, messages of my doings, shopping, the bank, the store, came home, changed into a dress and met you at the truck with excitement that you were home and bread with milk because it's your favorite.

So in my happiness to spend time with you, you were bit even aware of me, of my words... And I try not to take it personal because of your day.

But sometimes I wish my excitement and happiness could be met with equal measures.

Not always, not often, just once in a while.

And today it's continued, I'm talking and you interrupt or just don't notice I'm talking to you.

You asked me if I was talking to you and I laughed and said no. Clearly I was but what's the point of saying yes?

I don't need it often. But like you, I wish you could recognize when I'm in need of you just being present, even if what I'm saying seems unimportant. I don't have friends to talk to about nothing and everything, I don't have ppl to just blab about nothing.

Just sad and confused.

[lostnruined]

My mind is telling me that you don't want me, not physically. Not unless the lights are off.

You keep your distance when I wear a dress or when I am naked.

I try to make love to you in the shower and you say no. I think maybe later, but no.

I'm not beautiful but you used to make me feel that way.

And I realize lately, my desires go unmet because I think you don't want me.

I wonder if you're even aware of how many days I go without. I wonder because I've never wanted you to think or feel you need to find any other outlet but me.

So days I go, and I wait and see, unless the lights are out and it's you who needs, I go without the most intimate of things that I only crave from you

[lostnruined]

It keeps playing in my mind. The attempt to make love to you. I play with you and push you on the bed... There sound of annoyance slipped out of your mouth and I looked up to see it in your eyes. I hope and pray I have never made you feel that way. It breaks my heart to think I have. I would do anything to make sure you never felt that from me. I would cry and fill the sea if I ever made you feel that way.

[lostnruined]

A hug to end the argument. An agreement that wasn't really there. An emotional mess you helped create. A soul in need of repair. No longer will I care. My heart can't afford it. The promise I depended on, is no longer as I erase it, I can't afford to lean on it. You didn't remember it anyways. A hard truth in learning that something I held so dear, meant nothing to you. That's fine too, I have placed it in accordance. Once again, it's my fault. No matter how I try, the labels I try are offensive and cause you to be defensive. The effort I make to appease your heart and settle your guard doesn't make a difference. At least not for long. And after all this time, the resolution to my concern, is to delete the reasons for it. To repeat in my head that this is the hard part, the time that matters most, to be careful, to stay in it, to stay here... For it all to end with a masking of my needs in mid sentence and confusion....Just cut my arms and go numb... It's easier than feeling this way.

[lostnruined]

Some days feel lost before you even begin.

Not because you failed—

but because you’re carrying more than anyone can see.

[lostnruined]

Moments that freeze in time for me.

A snapping sound as the laptop closed.

The abruptness of your rising from your chair.

No affection when you left the room.

My body realizing before my mind that I was being closed off.

My breathing held still.

My body temperature dropping.

My mind feeling like a record skipping.

My heart beat loud in my head.

Closed off, rejected, left.

Damn this broken heart that has holes that lets these kind of things in and out. Like a waterfall after a heavy rain, my heart pours the hurt and rejection into my soul, unrelenting.

[lostnruined]

I feel like an idiot...

Spent hours making you cinnamon buns only to have you complain about not having milk.

Just suck the taste right out of these

I could have been focused on other things but for you, I neglected myself 😔

And it's met with what you're not getting... Not with what I made for you.

Just an idiot who loves you and doesn't feel like it's mattered that I spent hours making one of your favorite desserts 🥺😔