I talked to my grandmother today.
When I hung up, I had to hold tears back. She isn't the grandmother I used to have. Conversation is difficult. I can't tell if she's just....not there or her hearing aid isnt working but she'll say things like "that sounds nice" after I asked her how the weather was looking or forget who she's even talking too. She'll ask me questions about things that have happened a long while ago. She's the only reason my family even gathers around the dinner table every holiday, and now she can barely keep our names straight. It hurts so badly. I hardly got to know her, and she's been through so much, I wanted to hear it all, and I wanted to tell her so many things.I wanted her to meet my first love. I wanted her to hear about my future. As I write this its hard not to cry. I can't talk to my mom, she can't talk about it all, I think it hurt her too much. No one really knows about my family, and I mean....who would really give a fuck about my old ass grandma right? Her end is inevitable. It hurts to know that where my grandpa is buried, and where she will be buried is so far away, and I really won't ever see them again. I'm feeling a bit lonely, and I keep going through my phone thinking..who can I talk to. No one. So I go through my phone again, thinking...who can I get drunk with, forget this pain... and surprisingly...I have many people to call. This is the place I vent. At this point, those who read my posts know more about me than anyone in my life. It sucks but maybe I won't be alone forever..... who am I kidding....
