🌈 On this blog, you will find no discourse, a safe space, and sporadic posts every now and then, with the hopes of creativity striking again.
Feel free to say hi!
My Beta reader: the lovely @socialanxietyrabbit - thank you so much for all your support and kindness. Your notes are an immense help, and I appreciate every single conversation with you.
My fanfictions
Thunderbolts*
💛Works in progress:
A Soldier's Worth (currently writing chapter 3)
story | 5 chapters | Winteragent/Winterwalker
3 other WIPs waiting to be written
2 stories and 1 one shot
The Old Guard
💛One Shots:
Safe and Sound (completed)
Night after Merrick | Hurt/Comfort | Crying
Still waters run deep (completed)
Morning after Merrick | BAMF Nicky | Emotional Hurt
Hold me when I shatter (completed)
Nightmares | Hurt Joe | Emotional Hurt/Comfort
May trust be my blanket (completed)
Family Feels | Team as Family | Soft Everyone
Snow and Ashes (completed)
Emotional Hurt/Comfort | Missions gone wrong | Team as Family
Under the surface (completed)
Nile has the team’s only brain cell | Crack/Humor | Angry Nicky
The little things (completed)
Joe and Nicky are in love | Fluff and Humor | Soft Joe and Soft Nicky
💛Long Shots:
The Song of the Lost and Lonely (completed)
💛Series:
Every smile from you is my salvation, every breath from you my song (completed)
Tears on marble face - Nicky Whump | Protective Everyone | Team as Family | Family Feels | Heavy Angst | Hurt/No Comfort
Light in byzantine eyes - Everyone needs a hug | Crying | Heavy Angst | Team as Family | Family Feels | Hurt/Comfort | Healing
Silence is the key (completed)
Silence is the key - Autistic Nicky | Angst and Hurt/Comfort | Dark Past | Team as Family
Hush in the dark - Autistic Nicky | Angst and Hurt/Comfort | Dark Past | Family Feels
Peace found in violence - Autistic Nicky | Angst | Comfort | Booker and Nicky bonding | Team as Family
Quiet Night - Autistic Nicky | Light Angst | Comfort | Emotions | Team as Family | Nicky & Booker bond
Dried droplets of crimson and vermillion speckling the pale skin like sun-kissed freckles - only much more cruel.
They’re painted by today’s suffering.
His reflection looks back at him owlishly, bone-deep exhaustion edged into his features, carved by the knife of his failure.
Too slow.
Screams echo in his ears, wreaking havoc in his mind. Desperately he shakes his head. To silence them? Remove them like water from his ear canal?
Or out of disappointment at himself? Out of sheer disbelief at his own incompetence?
Too weak.
His hands tremble as he turns on the faucet; a failing attempt to rinse off the devastating colors of the dead because he can feel their presence nevertheless.
In his bleeding heart.
Flower petals of burgundy and carmine bloom on the bright sink, transient like the lives lost today, before they get washed down the drain.
The children. Someone’s babies. Lost. Dead.
Because he wasn’t fast enough. Wasn’t strong enough.
He wasn’t enough.
“John.” His name falling from Bucky’s lips should feel like salvation but it drives the shame, guilt, self-hatred deeper into his chest.
“John.”
It needs Bucky calling him a second time to get him to look up from his hands under the running water.
Bucky stands in the doorway of their bathroom, still in his mission gear. He’s covered in dust, drenched in sweat. His hair is tangled, strands of it clinging to his temples. Yet his eyes are kinder than John deserves.
“Yelena told me what happened.” The words are soft, understanding and John hates it.
Why is Bucky, why is everyone, so empathetic toward him when he couldn’t save them?
John opens his mouth to say exactly that.
The heavy sob tearing his throat to shreds takes him by surprise.
“Oh, my darling.” In two long strides Bucky’s reached him, strong, wonderful arms encircling him, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug.
“I-I-I-I c-couldn’t save them,” John chokes out through heaving breaths and burning tears and the weight of the small children resting on his soul. He almost suffocates on the syllables, making today’s terrible loss more palpable, like ashes on his tongue. “I couldn’t…I couldn’t…I couldn’t…”
Someone’s children. Parents having lost their babies.
He’s crying. Whole body sobs, shaking him to his very core, splitting his rib cage open, hurting. His entire form shudders and Bucky holds him close, grounds him.
John clings to him, fearing to drown in the world’s pain if he lets go. “I wasn’t fast enough…I could’ve…I should’ve…”
“Sh, sh, sh, John…I got you…I got you.” Bucky holds him tighter, one hand curving around the back of his head as John’s legs give out and they both sink to the floor. “You did everything you could.”
John’s trembling so hard his teeth are chattering; the children's cries, their tiny hands reaching out to him, helpless and frightened, the scream that got stuck in his throat as the balustrade above them collapsed.
All the emotions, fragments and memories of those nightmarish last few hours come flooding back, a crashing wave pulling him beneath the surface.
“N-Not enough.” His voice is thin and watery, a rope on the verge of snapping. “I had almost reached them…if I only had…oh God…”
He buries his face in the safe darkness of the crook of Bucky’s neck, who whispers things to him that John doesn’t fully register.
When Bucky moves, John clings to him, whimpering, and at first he struggles against Bucky’s tender hands which carefully lift his face and make him look at him.
“Darling, please look at me…” How can Bucky look him in the eye after what he’s done? “John…”
Suddenly, lips are on his cheek, a gossamer touch and so, so gentle. With the utmost care Bucky begins to kiss the silvery pearls of salty sorrow from John’s face.
“You couldn’t save them but John…” Bucky cups his jaw as John tries to turn his face away, overwhelmed by his failure. “…how many did you save? How many are alive because of you?”
Another kiss just below his left eye.
“You did your best.” Lips on the right corner of his mouth, tender and soothing. “You do your best every single day, John. I see that. We all do.”
Bucky’s thumb traces a path across John’s cheek. The blue of his eyes is filled with pain like a weeping summer sky. For John. Because he understands.
“The painful truth is that you can’t save everyone.” A gentle pressure stops John from uttering a hoarse reply. “But you do save people. You’re the first to throw yourself into battle, into danger, without hesitation if there’s even the slightest chance of helping someone. You never give up, no matter how hard it is.”
The final kiss Bucky places directly on John’s lips which involuntarily open in a sigh of relief. He almost drinks in this touch, encompassing everything the mission has denied him, absorbs the love and faith Bucky gifts him with.
As they part, Bucky rests his forehead against John’s, and they spend a few seconds breathing the same air.
“You are enough, John.” Though Bucky whispers, his steely conviction is unmistakable. “It’s not your fault. You always try, and that’s all that matters.”
Nodding hesitantly, John intertwines their fingers, placing them in his lap. “What if…?” The question dies before it can see the light of day.
What if my thoughts get too loud?
Bucky’s soft gaze is brimming with warm compassion. His answer is firm and solid, yet as quiet as a secret shared only between the two of them.
Hey so quick question am I going blind or do you post the all of your fics on ao3 / different account . If it’s on a03 - is it like live for verified users.
I wanted to read your fic but like I can’t find a link to it . Sorry for being dumb lol
Hey!
Don't worry! There are no dumb questions :)
I actually post my fics on AO3 under a different name (Everything99) and it's for everyone. Here's the link, hope it works.
If you're talking about my WIP "A Soldier's Worth" specifically: I haven't posted it yet. I prefer to finish my fanfictions before posting them, so I just throw some crumbs on here every now and then and give updates, snippets etc. (When it's finally done, I'll scream hysterically - not gonna lie haha)
During the period after his second thaw, before Steve and Bucky reunite (you know the point in the timeline I'm talking about), Bucky falls in love, even while under Hydra's conditioning and after everything they've done to him.
The higher-ups realize this could become a problem, so they decide to put an end to it.
They find out who the Winter Soldier has fallen for, discover the base where he's currently stationed, and send men there to deliver a "message."
And the Winter Soldier is forced to watch, under orders...
At least until he realizes they might actually kill Walker. That's when he reacts, even with his mind still eclipsed by the conditioning.
And that's when he promises to stay away, as long as they promise they'll never come after Walker again.
And think about it from Walker's point of view. The men who are after him clearly know the Winter Soldier. So he has no idea whether the Winter Soldier is actually going to save him... But when he's lying on the ground, beaten to hell yet smiling, it's because he knows that if the Winter Soldier does show up, those guys are completely fucked.
And there he is, bruised, bleeding, hurting all over... somehow finding the whole damn situation funny.
When Bucky finally comes to save him… Walker's convinced he's hallucinating.
Explicit / Tags: John Walker Is A Disaster (Marvel), John Walker Being John Walker, Bucky Barnes Being Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has No Idea What He Started But He's Totally In, Accidental Innuendo, They need to COMMUNICATE, Awkward Conversations, super soldier problems, Sexual misunderstandings, Bucky Barnes Accidentally Flirts With John Walker...
Summary:
Bucky Barnes only meant to offer John Walker a helping hand.
He just didn't expect to find out that he might actually enjoy being the one to provide it.
"(...) He shook his head to emphasize his point. He could tell Walker that he liked the chatter, the moments they shared after a mission, or the times they found themselves alone in the tower, Walker working on his old truck, one Bucky could've sworn was almost as old as he was, though Walker took such meticulous care of it that it always looked far newer than it actually was. "I've been through something like that too. It felt like nothing could truly satisfy me."
"Hm... yeah..." Another sip of beer. Walker didn't even realize that two more mediocre swallows and he'd run out of his excuse to keep his mouth occupied. (...)"
The team asking Mr. "I'm fine" (John) how he's doing almost every hour, already expecting his deflecting standard answer ("I'm fine") until one time he says "I'm not fine" and their hearts drop.
Instead of spending my break writing something productive, I somehow ended up writing an absolutely idiotic four-chapter fanfic with a plot I've already kind of written before... but I need more of this niche, okay? 😭
"I didn't want to stand in the way of what you really wanted."
John leaves before Bucky can choose.
The problem is... Bucky already did.
Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationship: James "Bucky" Barnes/John Walker
Additional Tags: Bucky Barnes Loves John Walker (Marvel), John Walker Needs A Hug (Marvel), Bucky Barnes Has a Heart, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, What would you do if the love of the person you love returned, vulnerable John Walker, Bucky Barnes Chases After John Walker
"(...)
The same hallway that led to his room also led to Walker's. His right hand knocked against the door with a dull sound, the side of his fist resting there more than anything else. A moment later, his forehead followed, and he took a deep breath before pressing his hand against the scanner, granting himself access.
"Walker, I..." He wasn't there.
"John?" He stepped inside anyway, his feet following a path they knew so well. The bed was neatly made, as always... but the picture was gone from the nightstand. It took him only a second, looking around with the determination of a trained soldier; the worn Custer's Grove, Georgia cap Walker always left on the dresser was gone too. Just to be sure, he opened the first drawer, where he knew he'd find shirts perfectly rolled to save space and make them easier to grab.
One tiny, miserable frame where we get Bucky standing next to his friend… and then Bucky WITH HIS FAMILY. (The Thunderbolts, obviously. And you can even spot Bob sitting behind John, Bucky's husband, trying to make sense of everything)
