What I need right now. Lord, help me to seek You in this situation where I need to take my eyes off of other people and instead on You. Over and over again You convict me of the fact that only You can bring fulfillment and true joy in my soul. If I were to lose everything in this life, but had You, I would still have everything I need. Help me to address my deeply rooted issues of attention and value. Would you be at the center of everything I do in this life Youāve graciously given me.Ā
I knew upon waking up that my first day of class would be a whirlwind of starting the school hustle again and constantly interacting with people, but it turned out to be a inspiring day.Ā
My first class was an advanced Spanish conversation course. I always get nervous taking Spanish classes because I loathe looking like I have poor skills. But thankfully, my professor was incredibly compassionate and brave for addressing the elephant in the room and telling us not to be afraid, that no oneās perfect, and thereās no shame in asking questions or not knowing how to translate a word in Spanish. She brought up this hypothesis calledĀ āthe affective filterā that can hinder our learning, especially in second-language acquisition. Had my second class about adolescent psychology and Iām so excited for this class because it applies to the career I aspire to have and the professor is also kind. After, I had a meeting with a faculty member who integrates psychology and her Spanish culture into her research and is trying to integrate mental health services and decrease cultural stigma in the Latina/o community. My former/current Spanish professor who has graciously taken interest in me set up the meeting. Basically, the meeting was just talking about the faculty memberās work and learning about the challenges sheās faced and what kind of stigma about mental health exists in the community. She also offered to connect me with her grad students and other psychology faculty working on diversity issues in mental health and counseling. It was so encouraging and inspiring to know that what Iām studying now can truly help a lot of people and that learning Spanish will surely prove to be a special skill set in my career. Above all, I pray that God will be glorified in my endeavors and that by helping others, they would see the grace of Jesus and be drawn to Him.
Iāve spent the past 5 days at Cruās annual Winter Conference. To sum it all up, I would say it was exceedingly refreshing. This past year I struggled with some deep stuff. The Lord unraveled many parts of my life and facets of who I am and it led to a lot of grief and heartbreak. But this conference was exactly what I needed to give me hope. Throughout the time, I felt so loved as I experienced a sense of belonging to RVA Cru and more importantly, Godās people. Iām thankful for the staff and my peers who show grace, patience, and of course, humor. Iām amazed to see how Cru is equipping and sending students around the world, especially in the places where the name of Jesus is rarely spoken. I learned a lot from the speakers about stewarding my pain, bringing my brokenness before God, treasuring my body as Godās temple, and using all of my life to the glory of Him. For me, one of the highlights of my experience was a breakout session led by Moses Lee called Seeing Jesus on Every Page of Scripture. He weaved American politics, history, and Biblical theology to help us see how we need to embrace a both/and paradigm and let go of our racial biases when we read the Bible. It was SO enlightening and powerful as Iāve never heard a topic like this before. God showed me that thereās so much to learn and know about Him and Iām grateful to spend the rest of my life just knowing more and after, just growing more in awe of God.
As 2018 begins, I would like to set some goals. I want to spend this year taking steps of faith for God and following Him wherever He leads me. I want to learn to be more generous to others by making more room for patience and understanding. Finally, I want to be more consistent with Bible reading regardless of the time of year (school, summer, etc). All these things I cannot do without His Spirit within me, and I hope by striving for these things I would make more of Christ in my life and be fearless in sharing the Gospel.
This semester has been difficult, yet God has been gracious in giving me the spiritual sight to see not only the sin Iāve used to struggle with and currently struggle with but also the reasons as to why I am the way I am and why I did certain things I regret doing now.
But as Heās revealed to me the reasons behind my problems, Iāve found myself in a lot of grief over things in my life that I canāt change. Iām the kind of person who wants to take care of everyone else before myself and who wants to help other people with their problems while neglecting to take care of my own.Ā
In my sin and in my circumstances, thereās so much darkness. So much sin. So much pain. So many layers. But I thank God that Heās allowed me to believe in Him, and that I have hope through Him in my deepest trials. I pray that I would seek my joy in Him more and more, so that He may be more and more glorified in my life.
This past year, and especially these past few months, has been incredibly painful and difficult. Itās hard for me to talk about how truly I feel with others, even those close to me. Despite the fact I try to share how I feel through one outlet, this outlet is limited in regards to how accessible it is to me.
But recently, things have been really hard and for some reason I just seem to punish myself by remaining silent. So I do the one thing I know that I absolutely should not do, but continue to do: that is, to fake a smile and make it seem like everythingās okay, that Iām okay.Ā
And so I express this here, because I guess my soul is longing to share these burdens I constantly carry, and itās less terrifying for me to admit a vague overview of how things are going for me to a blog with a faceless audience (if people even read my blog lol)
I've been faced with a dilemma recently and it made me realize something fundamental in the way that I ask for help to other people in my life. Too often do I tell people problem, the way I want to solve it or the decision I end up making and then I listen to them but only to see if they approve of my decision or solution, not to hear their perspective on it. I've pondered this and I truly believe I do this subconsciously. One of my biggest struggles in my life before I got saved and even after my salvation is the desire for people's approvals of me and what I do. It's made me to never rely on my own decisions and rather rely on my emotions, especially if someone doesn't approve and I end up feeling butt hurt. While I should never rely on my own understanding without hearing from God, my own decisions alone can be based on sinful desires and selfish motives. This is definitely something I need to give to God, but I just wanted to confess it here.
Occasionally I am reminded of this really crappy thing I did that hurt someone I cared about at the time. Not that I donāt care about that person now, but at the time that person was a bigger part of my life than now. And I really wish I didnāt do it; that person didnāt deserve it and I was dumb to do it given the circumstances when and where it happened. Itās something that I would never want have happen to me and I donāt get why I didnāt just keep it to myself and let it go away in its own time.
Whenever I think about it, I start thinking about myself negatively and want to beat myself up. Itās the kind of thing that haunts you and you just want to question why you were just so stupid at the time. But if I donāt learn to forgive myself and remind myself of what to means to have Godās forgiveness; if I donāt move on and always use that mistake to define who I am, Iām never going to live in the freedom Jesus has called me to and grasp the true joy only He gives and enjoy all the good (within and out of suffering) He has prepared for me.Ā
So Jesus, help me to forgive myself because You already have the cross.Ā
So I had to quit crew this semester due to financial setbacks, and only a week has passed by and I already feel weird not waking up at 4:45am every morning to do intense workouts and seeing the sunrise everyday haha. Of course, it takes up a lot of your time in general, so without it...I have a lot of free time. Iām sure this free time will diminish as I get into my classes and the other things Iām involved in. But I definitely feel more alone/on my own with things, and knowing that really scares me.Ā
As an introvert and someone who usually enjoys hanging out with people, itās hard because I want to be around others but at the same time I donāt. I like to evaluate how I did interacting with people each week and this week I feel like I did a bad job. I always fall into the habit of if I have nothing interesting to say, donāt say anything at all. But I feel like when I do that, then I appear quiet and/or boring.Ā
Nonetheless, I think that God has given me this time this semester to help me realize some things. One being that I often depended on crew to define my self-worth and give me security. That because I go hard in terms of physical fitness, then I am a good and worthy person. I wouldnāt rely on God for strength but rather my own willpower. Which may work out fine for crew, but not in any other aspect of my life. Iām not sure what else will come out of this season, but I pray that I would be open to hearing God through this Word and my prayer.
āIn essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.ā
Pastor Doug did a sermon on the first twelve verses of this chapter and we talked about it in community group. I canāt list everything I heard from the sermon and what others said, but it was definitely convicting.Ā
I think whenever I read these verses I always skimmed through them and never thought their true meaning. But overall, what I learned was that only God can judge us and He determines what is essential and non-essential. He has given us the grace to believe in Him, and itās not our place to tell other believers (especially those weaker in the faith) that what theyāre doing is or isnāt pleasing to God. What matters is that we believe in His explicit gospel, that He is the one true God and there is a Holy Trinity of the Father, Son, and Spirit, that salvation is attained by grace through faith, not through works, and that Jesus came down from heaven to earth and lived, died, and resurrected so that we may be reconciled to God through His forgiveness and righteousness. Other than that, we need to get over things like whether hymns or contemporary music are played in churches, whether a Christian is vegetarian or eats pork, whether we should worship God on Saturday or Sunday, and basically any non-essential that doesnāt violate Godās Word or how we find salvation in God. While they are important to consider, they donāt determine whether someone is a true Christian or not. Help me God to love others the way that you love them and stop seeing people with a judging heart.Ā
For the past few weeks Iāve been attending Remnant Churchās Sunday services and tonight I went to one of their community groups and iT WAS SO AMAZING AND INCREDIBLE AND THE GOSPEL IS SO REAL AND WOW READ MORE IF YOU WANNA KNOW THIS INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE
The Gospel being truly, and I mean truly lived out within the church is a beautiful, beautiful thing and tonight I got to experience that. A lot of times when I am in a new environment of believers I donāt know, I shamefully believe that Iām going to come in and impress them with all my knowledge as a Christian and that my contribution to discussion will make them think highly of me. Itās quite dumb, especially since I didnāt talk at all during the Bible study tonight.
But maybe I should start off with the whole concept of community group. Regardless of age, walk of life, or relationship status, different families from the church open their homes to invite people from the church and just about anyone to come out, get connected with Remnant, eat good food, and really talk about Jesus. It was a very different experience for me, especially since I am used to Bible studies with people who share my age or even people who share my gender. But the concept of community group, and more so the way Remnant Church functions, is so very Gospel-centered.
And even then, the Bible study is more of a follow-up discussion and reminder of what was preached on Sunday, which is cool because a lot of times I have questions about Sunday sermons back at my home church and plus I feel more connected within the church knowing that weāre all studying the same thing in these community groups.
Thereās a lot of things I could say that made me feel so at home within the community group I attended tonight, but Iāll point out two:
1. The conversation keeps going. Even after we do our closing prayer after we talk about the Scripture preached about on Sunday, everyone naturally still talks about God and it feels natural. We even expanded on our discussion and went in different tangents about the beauty of community and the terrifying, yet absolutely rewarding experience of being vulnerable among believers who remind you that Jesus loves you. Everyone was so honest about their struggles and the struggles that were brought up tonight were ones that Iāve faced and it made me feel like I got closure on what I faced, even if it wasnāt directed towards me.
2. No one judges you if you bring up your struggles/problems/issues/flaws. I have had a lot of experiences where I felt awkward, neglected, and judged if I or someone else in the Bible study brought up something personal to themselves that they struggled with. Donāt get me wrong, I also did the judging and neglecting sometimes as well, but at community group everyone talked about how in doing the Christian life weāre not doing it alone. Weāre walking in fellowship with other believers who are encouraging us and forgiving us and accepting us and loving us. And itās beautiful. The Gospel is good and beautiful.Ā
Last few notes: I am so glad that in Jesus all my desires for love, for comfort, for peace, and for acceptance are fully satisfied in Him. You canāt put it on another human being to fulfill these desires for you because itās like youāre putting your core and foundation of your life on something thatās broken itself. I praise God for being constant, for never changing, for being steadfast. Why shouldnāt I dedicate my whole life to him when he has gave the ultimate sacrifice and made Himself so low in order to relate to me? At his birth, Jesus entrusted his life to two humans who were just as fallen and broken, and He couldāve shown Himself up on earth in any other way, but He chose to do it humbly. What a God I serve and love. The God that I want to dedicate my life to serving in a way that completely glorifies Him.Ā
While I should be grateful for all the blessings, opportunities, abilities, and knowledge God has given me everyday, I am nonetheless grateful for days like Thanksgiving to remind me of all I have in Him.
My heart right now feels stiff and hardened, like itās not in the right state to have authentic feelings of thanks toward God. So God, I pray that you do give me that broke and contrite heart that understands and feels the undeserved nature of every good and bad thing youāve given to me in my life. I think quite often I have thought about what God has given me, and feel happy not because I want to glorify God for who He is, but because I feel blessed that I have something someone else doesnāt have or I feel like I deserved it because Iām a really good person. The latter two are great, great sins Iāve committed, and I feel the need to humble myself over and over again. Iām not a good person. Iām sinful. I am nothing without Him.
I am thankful for the Gospel, and I consider its is absolutely undeserving nature. I didnāt deserve to know it, and I didnāt deserve to be called to share it with others. I am thankful that God covers every one of my sins and calls me His and redeems my life from the pit. I can walk in the newness of life and live my life the way He has intended me too--in community and unity with believers in worship of His glory.Ā
Iām thankful to be able to have new experiences and be open to a whole new mission field at college. Everyday, I am challenged to step out of my comfort zone and be more passionate about my desired major and career. Iām thankful that God strengthens me every moment to physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally get through each day in college and that Iāve been able to make new friends, ones that I hope grow deep and are rooted in Christ.Ā
Being away at college has also made the quoteĀ āDistance makes the heart grow fonderā much more real in my life. My blood family, my church family, and my friends have given me immense support and encouragement through the these past few chapters of my life and the new one Iām currently embarking one. Iām so thankful to be able to go home and know that I am loved and I have so many people to love. They mean so much to me.Ā
Iām thankful for getting to unexpectedly meet this one person this past July and that even though I believed nothing would happen after that, this person has seemingly crossed mountains (in a figurative sense) and faced fears to get to know me and my life. And while I look forward to where God wants to take this, I trust His plan and perfect timing and I do want to walk in this in a Christ-honoring way, despite my temptations to rush through it and act upon my emotions.Ā
God has given me seasons of dryness, doubt, indifference to the Gospel, and the desire to give up. Yet, he still loves me and has made me a beautiful creation, with a beautiful composition and for a beautiful calling (look up Remnant Churchās sermon called A Beautiful Vision for Womanhood) and loves me in my filth, ugliness, shame, and fear. Each day I am sanctified by his grace and I have no good apart from Him. May I learn to hold on to these truths even when no one else around me believes in Him and when life gets hard.Ā
Expect a random blurb to describe my feelings at the moment.
Things just feel weird. I feel like Iām doing my school work well, but Iām not truly learning from my classes as I should be. I feel like some of my friends donāt support me or listen to me the way I would want them to. But does that make them bad friends because theyāre not fitting into the mold or meeting the expectations I hold for my friends? And how I go about handling a relationship thatās not even anything worth labeling, but the situation calls for us to take extra steps to simply get to the first point? Am I doing all I can to further my career, get into my major, and help others? I feel like I keep on making the same mistakes the coaches/coxswain call me out for during practices and that no matter how hard I focus, Iām always going to mess up somehow.
This morning I started telling myself negative things about how I was stupid and kept on screwing up, and then I realized I havenāt really fallen into this detrimental habit in a long time, and that if I start again Iām digging myself a deeper hole. Which is scary.Ā
Today in my Focused Inquiry class this girl presented her project and I just so impressed by it. The art she used to back her story was so thorough and meaningful. Her writing style is literally #goals. She writes with such elaborate detail, yet it still feels like sheās writing only to you. Her structure kept me interested in what she had to say, and the end left you thinking about the message of her writing. The whole class was impressed and our professor even admitted her temptation to get her to revise the essay to submit in this contest.
So that has inspired me to keep up with this blog a little more, sharing about my experiences and things I learn and things to ponder on. Itās also reminded me how much I love to write--itās such a basic skill (unfortunately, there are still illiterate people around the world) but when done intentionally and thoughtfully, can change a personās mindset or send a message. Like just think about the Bible and how God inspired people to write those words. Writing is a powerful tool and I want to get better at it and be more about it.
An overdue post about how Iām doing in college. Itāll be a long one so get ready to read if you wanna hear about it.
I honestly thought Iād hate being here. I thought Iād be incredibly homesick, crying every night, and stressing out about money. Weeks before I had to leave for college, I was already googling transfer student requirements to Regent because I expected it to be that hard for me.Ā
But itās the grace of God keeping me, or itās the fact that everyday I learn something new about the city or society, or the fact that being comfortable is never a good thing. I love it here. I love it more and more each day.
I love that Iām outside of where Iāve always been comfortable. Donāt get me wrong, I love being at home with family and friends and getting to see everyone at church again. But if I stayed there, I really wouldnāt be challenged to step out of my comfort zone. Iād be happy where I was and never want anything to change. And I also needed to learn that church isnāt confined to the walls of a building I walk into on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Itās where the people of God are united.Ā
A few months ago, I didnāt think Iād be where I am right now. In over a month, I have joined a sports club, a campus ministry, started doing work in my leadership program, got a job at the gym (!!!!!!), signed up for volunteering through a mental illness organization, have started getting interviewed to get an editoral made about my life here after doing a week-long freshman leadership program, made some friends, and have had some conversations with others about my faith in God.Ā
Thereās so much to do in this city, so many people to reach out to with the love of Christ, and so many lessons God has yet to teach me. Iām so thankful for the people who pushed me to do this, and even for the people who doubted whether Iād be okay here. Because itās only through God reassuring me through my doubts, reminding of his promises in little ways (I live near a bell tower that plays the instrumental of the hymnĀ āHoly, Holy, Holyā from time to time), and working through people who have Him in their hearts to speak to me that Iām here thriving, living, and learning.Ā
The thing about attending a incredibly liberal and diverse university is thereās a lot of different faiths and beliefs, so itās easy to waver in the faith and lose hope that God can work in their hearts. But through the Cru fall retreat I attended last weekend, I was able to solidify my faith in God going into college and learn how to talk to others about what I believe. Iāve had to confront one of my greatest anxieties/fears this past week, which is good because now Iām aware of it and know that itās worth conquering if it means other people get to have a relationship with God.
In regards to my family and friends, Iād like to bring up the cheesy quote: āDistance makes the heart grow fonder.ā Iām much more grateful for the relationships I have with my mom, my dad, and my sister now that I donāt see them everyday. Iām filled with joy with the friendships I have back at home and that theyāre all willing to facetime me and hear about my life here. Although I miss and worry about my parents a lot, I know that thereās less than 2 hours away and that Iām doing this to make them proud.
Iām so excited to see what God has in store for me the next 4 years and beyond, especially since one of my fav people is coming to live here next month!!! I know things arenāt going to get any easier, spritually, financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically (guys crew kills me omg). I know that while things are going well at the moment, there will be times when everything is falling apart probably due to school or my relationships with others. But Jesus is worth it. He is in control and greater than all these things. He brought me here and Iām not going to give up when I know Heās running the race beside me. May I never lose my wonder and grasp of what the Gospel means for me in my life. May I not be driven by othersā opinions of me, but by the power of Jesus at the cross.
To end, I want to leave this quote that this guy at Cru with a really inspirational story said during large group a few weeks ago that has stuck with me:
āThe only One whose opinion matters has the highest regard for you.ā
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