I will smile in the dark.

Hi, I’m Hannah. I'm 29 and just trying to figure out who I am again.

[lovemeforme0726]

Ok so a little more about last year... I got tattoos!

It was a year of taking control of my life. I've always let others decide for me. I got the lotus first. I kept feeling I was too fucked up from all I've been through and needed a reminder of my potential to create a beautiful life. Lotuses grown in dirty water but are pure and beautiful despite that. It was a healing and exhilarating experience. I knew others might not approve and that's exactly why I had to get it, and get it in the visible place I wanted to serve as a reminder that I am so capable of change and growth. I did this for me and while driving home with adrenaline coursing through me I started yelling and crying about no one but me being in charge of my body. That felt out of nowhere and I've felt so much less disgust after getting this tattoo for all the times others have used my body. I didn't get this tattoo to feel a sense of reclaiming my body but it was a nice side effect for sure.

I got the mountain tattoo a couple of months later. This tattoo is a reminder that I can withstand the storms life brings like mountains do. I chose the stars and moon because it felt peaceful and I hope for some more moments of peace in my life after all the chaos I've been through. I also just think they make it cute too. :)

[lovemeforme0726]

[lovemeforme0726]

Last year was weird

Last year started with me getting out of an abusive relationship and starting therapy. It ended with me getting diagnosed with ADHD, autism, PTSD, and DID.

On the one hand, it's been incredibly helpful to understand this about myself. I feel like I might be able to heal now that I know more of what I need. On the other hand, I feel super misunderstood and not believed. I gaslight myself enough as is, I don't need more of it.

I'm scared to post anything real about myself anywhere else right now. Tumblr has always been my safe place to express myself so I guess I'm back for the time being.

[lovemeforme0726]

I feel like I’m waking up from a 10-year dream

It took things getting physically abusive with my most recent ex to realize that I’ve been abused my whole life. I’m reading through my old posts on here from high school to remember how emotionally and verbally abusive my mom was/is. Driving recklessly when someone doesn’t do what you want them to is physical abuse so I can give her that label too since she did that to me all of the time. 

She taught me love is control and I will never forgive her for that. I want to cut everyone out of my life and find a way to start over. I have so much anger and I feel so used. I’m worried I’m too broken and fucked up to get better. 

I am so confused as to why I thought my mom and I were on good terms these past few years. I don’t even remember when I decided things were ok between us. My memory is fucked up when it comes to my childhood and my 7-year abusive relationship. It’s very scary and concerning.

I’m going to work on figuring out who the hell I am, trusting myself, and we’ll see if I can get to a place of loving myself. That one seems like a stretch when every single part of me has been criticized by the people closest to me my entire life. I’m glad I see the truth now though. I am not bad, selfish, or controlling. Those were all projections from the fucking narcissists in my life. 

All I can say is I’m glad I’m not like them despite the shit I’ve been through. I am a good, loving, caring, thoughtful, insightful, resilient person and NO ONE can tell me otherwise.

[lsleofskye]

Florida | benjhicks

[boschintegral-photo]

Forget-Me-Nots

[asking-jude]

“I’m beginning to recognise that real happiness isn’t something large and looming on the horizon ahead but something small, numerous and already here. The smile of someone you love. A decent breakfast. The warm sunset. Your little everyday joys all lined up in a row.”

— Beau Taplin

[pascalcampion]

Space

#pascalcampion

[freshbrewedlife]

Esra Mese 

[chandelyer-deactivated20241003]

Regal Rose “my darling” ring

[sweetoothgirl]

[wholesome-suggestion]

life works out. i cannot stress this enough. life always works out. it always turns out in your favor even if it doesn’t go according to the original plan. you may be utterly confused and lost right now, it may feel like everything is falling apart and there is nothing you can do to salvage any of it. but believe me when i say that this is just a transition period. things are constantly changing and evolving around you even if you can’t actively see that. life is changing you to prepare you for what is to come. you are growing and as you grow you are being built into the person that you are going to be. because see, life always has this funny way of working out. 

[insane---world]

[r2--d2]

[insaneghosttt]

𝑚𝑓𝑟

[kristina100000]

gently pressing your head against your lover’s back while they cut vegetables, your lover sitting on the kitchen counter while you talk about your day at work and wait for the water to boil, giving them little pecks while they stir the vegetables, eating the food together, washing the dishes together… you know what i mean

[wild-cabins]

Red A Frame

[velvetvetiver]

The version of you right now is deserving of love. Not you two years ago when you had more of your shit together, or the five years later version where you’ll surely be thriving. The version of you right now. The one that might just be okay, or is really struggling, or is bored and unproductive. That version deserves love. Having trouble accepting this is fine, but actively denying it is not. Your value is intrinsic, and finding confidence in that is mandatory.