七転び八起き

•"Fall down seven times, stand back up at eight"••Yza Ruperto••25, young and free•• Love, don't do basic, Your aim is to be at the top•

[itscyran]

REBLOG IF YOU USED TUMBLR IN 2011 - 2013

If so, you knew how turnt Tumblr use to be

[worshipgifs]

[loveyzabell]

Hi, it's Yza

I haven't been active on this for years but I recently felt like blogging. A lot has happened over the years, a lot of growing and continuous healing. A lot of healing is still happening, perhaps it's why I decided to write this.

Lately, I haven't been doing well mentally. I feel that my mental health has been spiraling and I can't seem to get a hold of or handle it properly. Despite going to therapy during the pandemic, I had stopped seeing one after I felt that I was in a better head space. Truth be told I feel that part of the reason why my mental health has declined was possibly due to someone from my past contacting me out of the blue. Even though every fiber of my being knew I shouldn't have responded or answered the call, my first instinct was to respond. Out of fear and anxiousness, I suddenly felt the instant panic. This person called to apologize, I appreciated it. Yet made it clear I just want to move on. Maybe they were sincere, and maybe it was more so for themselves. I'm not sure and I don't want to dwell on it. Though the whole interaction was cordial, I was not doing okay my anxiety was at its highest, and after the interaction ended I had thrown up right after.

Ever since then, I haven't exactly recovered. I was honest, I don't hold hate towards them. Truth be told, I don't know what I feel towards them. Maybe anger? maybe hurt? forgiveness? Indifference? I don't really know. All I know is that this person is someone I can't be near or around because I would get triggered. I'm still healing from everything because no one can just forget everything that happened overnight.

I've experienced panic attacks again, where it felt like this person was there in the same space as me. I started to recall memories I tried to move on from and not think of. I started to feel depressed because I began to recall the moments when I was told hurtful words that had been embedded into my mind. I started to feel hopelessness, hurt/pain, and anxiety. My mental health has spiraled to the point that I began having suicidal thoughts and ideations again because I started recalling the phrases I was told, "People like you should just die" or "Why can't you accept that you're not enough?!" over and over in my head.

Regardless, I am just taking every day one step at a time. I am going back to therapy, and possibly getting a psych evaluation. I've been told by friends that I could be experiencing PTSD from years of trauma (both family and relationship-related). I've never been properly diagnosed and I am hoping that getting an evaluation would bring me some form of clarity. I am taking great care of myself and taking the necessary steps and help I need.

Sincerely,

Yza

P.S. I don't know whether or not this person still uses Tumblr, but if you see this. Move forward, be better like I've said before. Just do and be a better person. Don't treat others the way you treated me. No one deserves to feel unloved and belittled... No one deserves to question their own self-worth or have their self-esteem torn down. I did have a lot to say and ask but I decided to refrain because to me doing so would only open up old wounds that I don't want to ever feel again. I don't want to feel the immeasurable pain again. I already accepted a long time ago that I was never going to get an apology, regardless it is appreciated. I wish you the best in life.

[loveyzabell]

Please know that you are loved, that you are cared for. that you are stronger than what you think. You've been through so much since you were YOUNGER. You had so much weight put on your shoulders, that you had to grow up a little faster than you wanted to. Not only did you act as the OLDER SISTER, but as a MOTHER to your younger brother too. You endured growing up in a broken home, the constant screaming and fighting, between dad, our aunts/uncles, and grandparents. The multiple occasions POLICE would come knocking at the doors because of our family fighting. Enduring the times you'd get physically hit and called ungrateful. Being left in the Philippines with family you barely remember and have hurt you. YOU PUSHED THROUGH ALL. From the continuous battle with depression and anxiety, bullied in school. You still stood your ground. You grew from being in an unhealthy relationship. Learning to realize your own toxic behaviors, taking accountability and outgrew them. You are HEALING from the men that have taken advantage of you, that touched you without your consent, and for that I am so so sorry. But I promise you, it does get better. It will get better, there is so much more ahead of us. You are taking that step forward for you to be happier. It'll take some time, and I can't even begin to imagine just how much happiness it'll bring. Forgive yourself and others, do it for you. So don't let the fear of judgment stop you. Know that you are surrounded by people who truly care and understand. Continue to carry that same love and kindness you always gave to others. Remember that you are deserving too. ❤️

[loveyzabell]

I miss you...more than anything right now. I miss you.

[thepowerwithin]

With everything that you do, do it with peace, love, and a genuine kindness.

-n.a

[loveyzabell]

I'm at the point where I'm just going to let go...I know I said I'll be there and understanding. I had only hoped you'd do the same. I'll still be here for you, but it's not fair to treat me this way. I have to keep going, and I'm not going to sit around and wonder.

[loveyzabell]

I know I've said it so many times, maybe because I'm still trying to process what just happened. You were someone I didn't expect to connect with so much. I grew to like everything about you. But know that I don't regret anything I had with you, the time I got to spend with you. I'll always be thankful for. A part of me wishes that it didn't had come to this but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I wish I could've been selfish, but I couldn't do that to you. No matter how much a part me wanted it to be you. I can't, because I want you to be happy. You'll always be someone important to me, and someone I'll care for deeply. Ill always be here for you when you need someone the most. Thank you for still wanting to be friends. I know things will be a bit different now, and I just need a little time to heal, and be okay again. It doesn't mean goodbye, but rather I'll see you later.

[loveyzabell]

What am I to do?

I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately. This guy I met in January, and am still currently seeing has become someone I ended up liking more than I had anticipated. Our arrangement was supposed to be just something casual, but I didnt do too well from keeping my feelings out of it. Yesterday showed how much I was affected by it. I realized why I was talking to him and apologized for my behavior that I needed to do something outside of him. There was no excuse for how I acted, being upset and hurt because I misunderstood what he had told me about his night before. He told me this arrangement we have is something he seriously needs to think over, whether its okay to continue or not. I understand where he’s coming from, and I dont blame him. I know that if he decided we should end this, I have to accept it and be respectful of his decision. Of course there’s no denying just how much its going to hurt, but i do need to accept it. I just need to learn and move on, be thankful that I at least know we can still remain friends. I’m more than likely going to need more time to myself and hold back from contacting him or seeing him. I have to or else I wont be able to let him go. I have to, because I know that what’s meant to be will be. If it isn’t, then be thankful for the experience that came with it.

[loveyzabell]

I started therapy, I now know I have fear of abandonment. I now understand where all my anxiety and depression came from, and why I've been getting panic/anxiety attacks.. I now know why I've been feeling as if I wasn't enough no matter how much I give and give. I now know and understand that I'm not a narcissist like my ex called me. I'm going to start healing again.

[alien]

alien

[loveyzabell]

It's one of my friends birthdays today. I wish I could celebrate with him, but I can't because my ex is his wife are there. His best friend is my friend too. Sadly, they're there at his house. This friend I appreciate for understanding and not judging me despite knowing I unfollowed and unfriended him. I realized at some point, I was wrong about what I had said about him. Mainly because of what my ex would tell me in the past about them not being there, or cancelling last minute on him etc etc. so naturally I was upset for him, but even so I was wrong. I reconnected with my friend and had a better understanding between us. We're not as close as him and my ex are. But I do consider him like a brother. I just wish I could've celebrated with him and our other friends. But nothing I can do. hate to say it, I just don't want drama or dragging people in it.

[thechanelmuse]

Remnants of the British Black Panther’s Lost Legacy

[clatterbane]

Britain’s black power movement is at risk of being forgotten, say historians

The Cambridge academic Robin Bunce said: “There is a fundamental danger of erasing the very notion of a struggle at all. I’ve been researching this for four and a half years and there have been so many occasions when people have said to me: ‘There was no black struggle in Britain. You’re thinking of South Africa or America.’“

The narrative that feeds it is the one that Britain is the utopia of fair play. We have such a commitment to individual rights, we have such a commitment to common sense and decency that there is no systematic racism in Britain.”…

Bunce said it was not just politicians, but wider British society that would rather not dwell on the less palatable.

[clatterbane]

Bringing this one back, while I’m reminded.

[beyonce-knowles-carter]

TWO YEARS AGO ON APRIL 14, 2018 — BEYONCÉ HEADLINED COACHELLA 

She became the first black woman to headline the festival, and her performance immediately received widespread critical acclaim and was nicknamed “Beychella” by fans. Following the performance, Destiny’s Child sales boosted by 767% and Beyoncé’s by 228%, with Lemonade returning to number one on the worldwide iTunes chart.

Beyoncé’s performance garnered 458,000 simultaneous viewers to become the festival’s most viewed performance to date and the most live streamed performance of all time, with the entire performance having 41 million total viewers from around the world, 75% more than the previous year.

“I told Beyoncé that I was afraid that the predominately white audience at Coachella would be confused by all of the Black culture and Black college culture, because it was something that they might not get. Her brave response to me made me feel a bit selfish and ashamed. She said, ‘At this point in my life and my career, I have a responsibility to do what’s best for the world, not what is most popular.’ I stand corrected.” — Tina Knowles-Lawson, Beyoncé’s mother, on her daughter’s 2018 Coachella performance

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[loveyzabell]

I liked it better when there wasn't a damn pandemic happening

[sartorialadventure]

Benny Harlem, an aspiring singer, songwriter, and model, holds the Guinness Book of World Records’ title for tallest high top afro at 52.07 cm (20.5 inches). Photos with his daughter Jaxyn have taken social media by storm.