Humans are the bane of my existence.
Luke Castellan Vampire x Fem!Reader AU
Warnings: BAD GRAMMAR AND SPELLING, really out of character, cringe and so on.
Being the literally undead isn’t fun during halloween, like come on- do I look to live in a castle with pale as skin? Fucking stereotypes… So when this chick with a vampire costume comes up to my house, asking if this was where the university party was being held? I couldn’t help myself, pay back time.
My ancient wall clock from Ikea ticked to eight PM. My bowl of candy already half empty. This had to be the worst time of the year. The overpriced treats, the overly decorated neighborhood, the boring slasher films that the local TV station keeps on repeating and the stereotypes… Seriously, that was the one thing that pissed me off the most. Stereotypes of us, the undead. Zombies weren’t highly intelligent but they sure as hell wasn’t dumb either. Surprisingly those creatures could do mundane tasks that even my neighbors couldn’t handle. Like remembering putting a leash on their darn dog. How stupid can you be to let your terrifying werewolf wanna be stray? Humans are seriously the bane of my existence…
Speaking of werewolves, their stereotypes were even worse than zombies. Like come on, a man turning into a big dog? Nope, those things are literally dog men whole year around. The closest thing a human has seen to a real werewolf was bigfoot.
But the worst stereotype that this dreaded holiday and history has made? Well that had to go to vampires, aka me. Hurray..?
Look at count chocolate and Dracula. They have made people think that all vampires live in big gothic castles and speak as if they haven’t grown with society. Ridiculous! I’m at least 2019 years old and I know all the latest slang! For the most part. And I live in the most rustic cabin in Connecticut. Not exactly royal like.
Pale skin, cold body temperature and the instinct to drink human blood. I still can’t believe that people truly believe that’s what we vampires are. I can’t BELIEVE I am reduced to a mere batified mosquito. If I wasn’t such a peaceful guy, this world would be crushed.
They make us monsters into jokes, because human brains can’t physically wrap around the thought that they’re living within a ‘magical’ world. So clueless… So careless. The only positive with humans believing I’m make believe is that they won’t hunt me down like they did in the 1800’s. Not a great time to be a vampire kid, I’ll tell you that.
Tonight there has been at least 10 children with those horrible costumes of my species, not even knowing they were receiving candy from the real thing.
Thankfully, it should be all over now. No more trick or treating. Just me, my sofa with a cup of red wine and trash TV. What more can an immortal ask for? Maybe a world that wouldn’t screw me over for legally being dead for centuries.
I was half way through an episode of trash TV when knocking blew my blanket off me. Knocking? At this ungodly hour? Children should not be awake past eight, it was unhealthy as hell. Which says a lot when it is coming from the guy who sleeps upside down, in a coffin.
Like I stated before, humans are the vain of my existence.
Turning towards the door wasn’t hard, but I made sure to take my time. Making it more of a job than a task, so it would be more difficult to complete.
But as I looked down, expecting children. I get met with a chest, embarrassed as hell I looked straight up. Why was there a full grown woman at my door?!
“Hello! Is this where the university party is being held?” I could tell exactly when her breath paused in her sentence, exactly how her lips parted and revealed those god forsaken plastic teeth- Oh come on! This hot chick was a walking vampire stereotype too?
Wait- University party? Was she stupid or a moron. My cabin, as I called it, couldn’t even contain 10 people inside, let alone a whole university party. From the street you could see how small it was too.
“The party? I got an invite saying it’s on-“ as she opened her phone to look at some message containing the address, I realized. She was a freaking moron. The address she was talking about was at least ten streets down, in the more middle class neighborhoods.
I got interrupted by a sudden face right in my face, stars glimmering in her eyes as she admired my mouth a bit too closely for my liking. “Woah, I just noticed your costume. Holy you did amazing, even better than my fake teeth.”
“Right.. Fake teeth.” I gritted my teeth together, putting my hands down my coat. Costume my ass, she would never know what I have to go through everyday.
She pushed me to the side, ignoring my past no to her question. As if it didn’t register in her mind that she had taken a serious wrong turn. “Where are the rest of the party?”
I should have said something along the lines of: “Like I was trying to say, before you rudely interrupted me. The party isn’t being held here.”
But instead I got a wicked plan, so this human girl wouldn’t listen to my words? Might as well mess with her for a bit.
“They already left, an hour ago.”
He had to pretend to cough, keep every single laugh in. The sight of her pale face might have been the most hilarious thing, like ever.
“What? Already?! But- god, you must hold terrible parties then, Percy.”
Percy..? PERCY? AS IN PERCY JACKSON? The same Percy Jackson who instead of lawing my lawn, turned it into a drenched mudfest?! THAT GUY?! I do not even remotely look like that humanized freak, let alone do I suffer from the condition of being a male blond. Just hearing his name made me shiver.
“Luke Castellan. That’s my name.”
There she stood. In my living room, pouring a glass of wine into my mug. My favorite mug at that. This was not going to plan…
“I swore the guy holding the party was named Percy.”
Under my breath I whispered. “Well, you’re wrong. Which isn’t surprising given your… Lack of intelligence.”
“What was that?” She asked.
I gave my flashiest, fake smile. “Nothing!”
I give up, I can’t make fun of this black and red dress chick. For some reason every single one of my defensives were backfiring.
This girl, why wasn’t she leaving yet? I was still holding the door wide open. She must at least have one brain cell in that nutshell of hers. No people was here and I was surely not named after a knockoff Aquaman prankster. She just stood there, all happy and clueless drinking out of my #numberonevamps mug. Her plastic vampire teeth getting an ugly red stain.
Maybe she was drunk, apparently pregaming a party had become popular again with adults. That would explain her moron behavior.
“This red wine is amazing! Come, taste.” Again she was intruding on my personal space, pushing the mug against my lips with a line of giggles following.
“Don’t you think you should be headed home? You seem just a tad bit drunk.. And also highly likely to be a murder putting my expectations so low of your intelligence that I undermine you, so you can stab me when I least expect it.”
“You sure whisper a lot.” Thankfully, she put my mug safely down onto my dining table. But I didn’t expect her to boop my nose right after. “Luuuuke.”
My sight was on her fake stained teeth yet again, the small sharp plastic bits peaking out under her overlip. Holy Christ, why did a drunk hot chick have to pick my cabin tonight?
She slurred her name out after I called her ma’am, with a pout.
To which I responded with: “I- yeah whatever, do you have anyone I can call to pick you up?”
“Pick me up? Now why would you want me to leave already? The party hasn’t even starrrtedd.”
I must have scrunched my eyebrows too close together, since a heavy migraine was forming in my head. God, humans are the vain of my existence.
“I already said the party was over, and also you’re extremely drunk. Not to mention the fact you’re a complete stranger to me. I wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping you here but I sure as hell wouldn’t be comfortable with you out on the streets.” I picked up my phone. “So who should I call.”
Just as I thought I would get a response, she just yanked my mug off the table and sat down on my couch. Drinking the rest of the redwine, costume and all. This is my personal hell, not immortality. But this.
I closed my front door rubbing my eyebrows together.
“You could try Travis, but he’s probably dead drunk at Percy’s.” She shrugged.
I held in my breath, shaking out any frustration out of my system. Once in a while, a vampire needs a glass of holy water. Just to feel something. This- this was one of those times.
It wasn’t long before the duckling followed me into the kitchen, inviting herself to unravel my cabins for ingredients. Maybe she was a robber, stealing things from me. No, that was impossible too. She reeked of spiritus and alcoholism. Parties have never been something I would indulge myself in. Mainly because of that awful smell and unpredictable humans. Humans were nuances when sober, but drunk? The turn into the real monsters.
“You don’t have any type of garlic?” Her laughter vibrated throughout the kitchen. “You really take this holiday seriously, really into the vampire aesthetic.”
My life wasn’t an aesthetic, it was miserable. Imagine being sunburned by the slightest touch of sunlight, or being compared to a yeti when someone touches your skin. But the worst part was watching all my family members die from old age, while I am stuck being in my young adult body until the sun eats up the entire planet. I didn’t answer her teasing. Instead I focused on making some tea for her, so she could sober up and leave as fast as possible. All the while I tugged a few drops of Holy Water. The liquid burning the back of my throat like Vodka would.
My tea box set contained a few different flavors, ranging from strawberry raspberry to ginger lemon. Something in me, something sick and malicious wanted to pick the ginger lemon. Just to spite her.
“What kind of tea do you prefer?” I grumbled as a question, boiling the water in a pot. She was still trying to intrude on my personal space, her hands resting on my shoulders.
I glanced to my tea box set, knowing I had never heard of that flavor. “From the box.”
A small train of Ooooooohhhhh’s followed, as she ravaged through the small paper box, tearing the sides. I had to close my eyes, or else I might have unplugged her eyes out of her skull.
“This one.” She held out the ginger lemon, and I stared at her in bewilderment. Next time, I am not asking a drunk lady what her favorite anything is.
“Know what? I’ll pick it.”
After a brief moment, I picked up a normal caramel apple pocket. Pouring the hot water into the same mug she had used before, and then dipping the tea pocket into the water repeatedly.
But she just stood there, and stared at me. Like fully stared. Was I sweating?
“Where do you get your eye contacts from?” She blabbered.
“… Online.” That was probably the safest response. Human eye colors couldn’t be golden like my natural eyes.
“Gosh, I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I ordered them.” I handed her the warm mug of tea, not bothering to put any form of sweeteners in it.
Her face lit up immediately. She gracefully took a hold of the drink, not caring if it was burning hot.
My Ikea clock in the living room ticked, the weather outside starting to pour down.
The mug covered over half of her lower face. “You’re cute.” She whispered.
“And you’re drunk.” I replied.
“Are you always this kind to drunk strangers?”
Was I? No, usually I would have called their nearest family member or friend to pick them up. Yet I’m somehow stuck in this strange situation, a predictable really.
Her eyes battered in my direction. But I kept my attention towards my window. Watching the droplets fall. “That wasn’t a rhetorical question.”
God she was persistent. “Are you always breaking into people’s homes while drunk?”
“No, not always. But I didn’t break in, the party was held here after all.” If I could feel pain, it would have hurt my eyes from all that turning I was doing. Not long after she answered my question, I had left my own kitchen. Sitting down on my couch, so I could focus on my TV again.
And like the duckling she was, she followed. Sitting way too close for my liking. I could clearly smell the reek of alcohol from her. “You never really answered my question.”
I bit the inner side of my cheek. “I don’t answer stupid questions.”
That made her quiet. Finally… I can enjoy my halloween night-
“What major do you have?”
At the corner of my eye I looked at her, truly this time. I noticed how the neon blue lights from the TV highlighted her full face of makeup, the small drop of fake blood from her lip and her fake fangs sticking out from her lip. My fingers twitched. This lady, even if she was a walking stereotype, was truly magnificent. No one must know that I think a human is anything other than completely useless nonsense.
Her question hanged in the air, and I really didn’t know what to answer. I needed a major that she didn’t have, but she looked like the type that could fit any university studies… Anything but-
Again, she had that look on her face that was almost irresistible to laugh at. But I kept it in, trying to focus on anything else but her.
“I didn’t know our university had that.”
“I’m from another university than yours. I’m surprised you even got invited to the party.” I lied.
“Oh.” She made that annoying, slurping sound when you barely have any more liquid left in a cup for a while. Completely ruining my emerging experience with the drunk lad on TV trying to get laid- or something. “Guess that makes sense… I would remember a cute face like yours.”
Was she- no, there’s absolutely no way she was becoming sober and still flirting with me, right? I shook my head, not letting those silly thoughts take over.
She shifted on my couch, rolling my favorite blanket around herself. She was literally hogging my entire living space. A drunk lady takes over vampire’s house. What a great title.
She broke the silence. “You don’t talk much.”
“Not much to talk about.” I immediately replied, again ignoring some inner devil trying to make me feel bad for stating the truth. I do not care about her feelings.
“Are you even gonna ask what my major is?” Selfcentered much?
This plan of mine, watching trash TV? Well that was obviously not gonna work with her here.
“Fine.” I took MY mug out of her hands, putting it down on my coffee table before turning the TV’s volume down. “What is your major that you sooo desperately want me to ask for.”
Her answer surprised me, because well- it wasn’t something completely stupid. Actually I thought she was a bimbo or something. But no, her major was actually something interesting.
She laughed. “Try not to act interested challenge.”
“What?” I asked- confused.
“That’s what you’re constantly doing Mr. Castellan. You’re trying to push me away but a little something in you is interested. I can tell because your eyes twitch every time.” She pointed to her own left eye, smiling as she got me all figured out. Mostly. Somehow she still hadn’t busted I was an actual vampire.
“You think too much.” She directly stated back which left me speechless. You can’t really argue with facts. Even I know that.
For the rest of my Halloween night I just sat there, on the end of my couch with a muted TV and a sleeping stranger by my side. In the morning she would probably be sober enough to leave, and I wouldn’t have to be bothered anymore. So much for Trash TV Halloween night.
She only started to do some sort of movement at twelve thirty PM, her hands coming over her eyes to shield herself from the sun. I in the meantime had put on a black hoodie, pulling it over my head so I wouldn’t get sunburned.
In her half awaken state she took out her plastic fake teeth, putting them on my coffee table. Where were her manners? Who raised this- this lady?! Now her spit was making a mess on my wooden table, that I would have to clean up later. I grumbled under my breath.
My whole body jumped, when she suddenly yelled out loud. “God I have the worst hangover!”
That’s usually what happens when you drink a lot. Is what I wanted to say. Instead I just went with. “Want some water then?”
Her eyes narrowed as she stared at my face under the hood. Her mind doing some sort of puzzle that I couldn’t quite figure out. But she could, unfortunately. She cracked the freaking code.
“Why haven’t you taken your eye contacts out-“
“Wait.. There’s no way. That’s your real eye color..? And those fangs look too real too- not to mention… HOLY SHIT-“
Her eyes widened, and for the first time in about 1000 years. A human found out my secret, my immortality. And she reacted exactly how I expected. By throwing MY OWN pillow onto my face, while screaming on the top of her lungs. I now prefer the drunk girl from last night, than this screaming somber woman.
“HELP! HELP! I’M GONNA DIE BY A REAL LIFE FUCKING VAMPIRE.” She stood up from my couch, running into my furniture almost destroying it all. Pushing them around as she couldn’t remember where the front door was.
“Can we use logic here for once?” I grumbled, standing up slowly. “If I wanted to kill you, I would have already done so. You’re pretentious really.”
“Y-you’re luring me into a false sense of security on purpose! Waiting until I am ripe enough to drink from.” From her costume, she pulled up a cross made out of cheap materials. Hoping that would safe her from my wrath.
“Blood tastes like pennies. And has the texture of a protein milkshake, a milkshake without the protein. Even an idiot wouldn’t be stupid enough to drink that.” My explanation seemed to take a little off her edge, but only a little. Since she persisted on using that cross between us as protection.
“T-then why keep me here? Huh? For all I know, there was no party here!” She could barely get that sentence out, what happened to that confident duckling from before? But also, I was surprised she could remember so much from last night. When I had a hangover I would remember little to nothing, but that was when I was alive. So maybe I remember the details a little wrong.
I put my hands up, her lips a thin line. “You got me, no party was held here. But, I kept you here because… I was worried a weirdo would take advantage of you on the streets.”
“What was that last part?”
I coughed, a curl coming in front of my slightly heated face. “I was worried a weirdo would take advantage of you on the streets.” How embarrassing.
Her eyebrow raised, but her arms lowered the useless cross. Finally. “Promise you won’t hurt me?”
“Why would I promise something that is normally known as human decency?”
Now we both stood there, awkwardly. What had I expected?
“Sorry, I- I kinda freaked out there.” I couldn’t care less about her apology, it didn’t matter to me. “But if it helps anything, I still find you cute?”
My eyes narrowed. “You’re ridiculous, absolutely absurd.”
She nonchalantly shrugged, and that god forsaken smile cracked back in her face. She moved past me, sitting back down on my couch like she belonged there. “Maybe. Though I have soooo many questions.”
“No, I don’t do ridiculous questions.”
“I don’t think you have a choice, Mr. Castellan. After all, I know where you live.”
Then I asked. “Is that a threat? Are you threatening me?”
“Depends, how would you define threatening.”
“I’m not falling for that.”
“For what?” She questioned.
“For answering a stupid question you-“
“You just did.” Did I? I was left stunned, my mouth hanging open. The hell was this? Punishment from above because I gave that one kid a snickers bar instead of a kitkat? Really?
I sighed and sat down on my side of the couch, my hand on my forehead. “2019. 2019 years old.”
And the rest of my morning went like that, answering stupid vampire questions. Her inspiration for the question was coming from the media too, mainly Twilight. That did not help my mood, when she asked me if I was team Jacob or Team Edward.
“I don’t think I care about such… Nonesense.”
“Okay so totally team Edward.” As she kept on asking me questions about my living situation, she had dragged out a post-it notes from somewhere deep inside her costume. With a pen too. I was being documented, every answer I gave gotten written down. And no one would believe her if she told them. That’s why I didn’t freak out when she wrote more down.
“Ever made-out with a human?”
“When I was alive yes, but as an immortal? No. Humans are impossible to be around.”
She wrote something down again, and I turned to look at her again, again.. I just couldn’t help myself. Maybe it was her eyes, or the small movements her face did. I was mesmerized completely.
I blinked slowly, my head tilting ever so slightly. “Maybe.”
She chuckled at my response, but didn’t move. Instead wrote something down again.
“Are you gonna keep interrogating me? Or get ready to leave.”
She was warm, bringing a certain amount of warmth into my cold living room. I wanted her out, dismissed. So I can continue my life without problems.
“I’m done interviewing you now. But one more question, off the record.”
“There’s always a record, Vamps.” I would prefer if she didn’t call me that. But I didn’t comment on it. “Buut, you think I’m cute, right?”
Her somber self was just as selfcentered and confident as she was drunk. How do you react to a lady, sitting there with such a beautiful face, asking you that kind of question? I hate humans, I hate the fact that they put me into the same box as Mr. Dracula. And I find her so annoying. But cute was not the way I would ever describe her. That word was too little.
“Cute cannot be used to express your beauty.Your physical appearance is nothing more than magnificent not cute.”
My couch sank, as she crawled closer. There she goes, invading my personal space again. Disgusting. She had that smile on her face again, as her fingers came to cup my face. Push her off! My brain tried telling me, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t wanna listen.
My eyes closed automatically, as her breath spread across my face. My heart undead, folded over itself. I counted the seconds of every moment that we were apart, right until she kissed me. I let a human kiss me. A woman I didn’t know existed a night ago.
Her lips were indescribable, not soft nor rough. Not close to anything sweet but nowhere near a sour experience. She was delicate with me, pressing her own lips against mine in a slow dance. Her hands shifting over my ears. The feeling the kiss was bringing was unsettling, sometimes it felt impossible to feel the way I felt in that moment.
We were probably kissing for a solid seven minutes on my couch, my hands completely ruining her costume, tangling it around as I wanted to become closer. Every breath she let out, was a new addiction hell for me.
“You’re a good kisser Luke.” She whispered breathlessly against my lips. She probably expected the whole thing to end in a couple seconds, but if I’m honest with myself. I hadn’t even begun kissing her yet. This, this was child’s play.
She grew the distance between us, her eyes on mine. Fucking hell… I let a human kiss me. A let a thing that stereotypes my whole existence kiss me. And I liked it.
It was hard not to pull her back into another kiss as she was above me. She was still watching my lips, watching them as I would slowly part them. The skin of my lips would unstick from one another, a silent beg for just one more round.
“Thanks..” I whispered. “But I really wasn’t done.” My hand landed on the back of her head, pulling her right back into another kiss. A kiss that I controlled. I almost forced her to open her mouth. I needed her to part those lips of hers so our teeth would fight. My tongue getting to taste those lingering tea bits from last night. I didn’t care if she reeked of alcohol anymore. I just wanted all of her.
Humans are the bane of existence. But she… She’s the only person I want to tolerate in this damned world.
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