LPp

things i cant say out loud

[lppir05-blog]

If you don’t want me in your life then just TELL ME. You NEVER talk to me, you say you’re fine when I KNOW something is wrong. Why do you shut out the people who love you and would do A N Y T H I N G for you. At first I was heart broken because I felt rejected and not good enough, like I had done something to push you away. I shouldn’t feel this way in the first place because you were one of my BEST FRIENDS. And I know I’m not the only one you’ve done this too. Now I’m just mad. i am so mad. I have no fucking idea who you even are anymore. I talked to you about this and you said you were sorry and didn’t mean to come off like this and that you don’t want to drift. Well it is TOO LATE FOR THAT. Yes I get we are far apart but that shouldn’t make a difference. We may be 200 miles apart but our heads are 2,000 miles apart. I have tried to keep this friendship going because I love you SO much. But I cannot do this anymore. If you’re not going to put it in the effort then why the fuck should I. It’s clear that you don’t want me in you’re life. Fine. Cool. AWESOME.

I hope you stumble across this one day so that you know what you’ve put me through.

-lpp

[lppir05-blog]

I told her how I felt. She said she didn’t mean to make me feel this way. I said I miss her. She said she loves me.

But yet she still does it.

-lpp

[lppir05-blog]

She doesn’t care and it breaks my heart. She was once my best friend. When I left it’s like she just dropped me. I try to talk to her and she just ignores me. Each opened message shatters my heart a little more. Whenever I think I can’t miss her more I end up proving myself wrong. I don’t think she realizes how much she’s hurting me. My point guard. My teammate. The one I could tell everything to. Now I’m afraid to talk to her. I don’t want her to reject me. Not knowing would be a lot easier. All I want is for her to be happy. And if keeping me out of her life gets her there than so be it.

Words cannot describe how sorry I am for whatever I did to make you resent me. I still love you though

-lpp

[okay]

When you love someone. When you love someone, you love them in every way. You love their insecurities. You love their imperfections. You love the way they walk, they laugh, they stare at you. You think of them the time you close your eyes at night and every time you wake up in the morning.

When you love someone, you get mad at them. You get hurt. You hurt them as well. You put scars on them, and if you love them so much you try to heal those scars. You try to make them feel better. You make them feel more loved.

When you love someone, you dont just give up on them. It gets harder each day. But then you love them and no matter how hard it is, you stay because it is still harder without them. So you try to fix everything.

When you love someone, you wonder whether they have eaten, they went home safely, whether they are feeling alright or bad. When you love someone you want them to be always in good condition.

When you love someone, you want them to stay with you forever.

When you love someone, you wipe away their tears, you hold them as long as they wanna be held.

When you love someone you just dont let them go away. You dont let them feel like they are nothing. When you love someone you make them feel your love.

[okay]

I HAD TO RE-READ THIS. IM AMAZE I WROTE THIS. THERE ARE REALLY EMOTIONAL NIGHTS FOR ME THAT I WRITE DOWN ANYTHING I FEEL.

[lppir05-blog]

I’ve been home from college for 2 weeks now and it’s been amazing seeing and hanging out with my friends again :) The first night I went to see a movie with two of my girls and went to Steak N Shake for a snack. While we were there we were counting down the minutes till midnight because it was one girl’s birthday (ugh my baby is getting so big). A different night another one of my closest friends and I went and got ice cream at our old hangout spot. After, we went for a night drive and walk on the beach. It sounded so good hearing her laugh again; I was in the purest form of happiness you could find. Next week is her birthday and it breaks my heart that I won’t be able to be there. I go back to college tomorrow and I don’t have a car so I can’t drive home (If I did I would make the 3 1/2 hour drive back in a heartbeat).

Like I said tomorrow is my last day, but there is still one person that I haven’t seen yet. We have been (were?) best friends for 3 years but around the beginning of May we slowly stopped talking to each other. Now we haven’t talked in about a month and a half. We planned to get breakfast in the morning and that will be the first time we have seen each other since June 26th. I miss her. I want our friendship to keep going. What we had was just too good to let go, but we’re so far apart. It’s to the point where I want to text her and ask how she’s been but I just don’t know how. I am so nervous about seeing her. What do I say? Do I acknowledge the fact that we’ve drifted apart? Or should I express how badly I want to be able to call her my best friend again?

-lpp

[lppir05-blog]

Today I’m going home. But should I really call it home? Home is supposed to be where the heart is, and right now my heart is set here. What do I have waiting for me back in my home town? The person I once called my best friend doesn’t even seem interested or excited that I’ll be back. I told her I’m coming but all she said was “yay.” You know what I say “yay” to? Getting a cookie. I thought I was excited to go back but now I’m not so sure. I shouldn’t be nervous to see friends. I shouldn’t have to guess whether they want to see me or not. I shouldn’t feel like I’m being rejected from those who I once called my best friends. But I guess the heart moves on. I’m not going home... I’m leaving home.

-lpp

[lppir05-blog]

I’m not perfect but I swear I’m perfect for you.

[lppir05-blog]

You know that feeling when you’re just genuinely happy? So happy that you can physically feel it in your heart? That’s me right now. I spent the last few hours just sitting and talking with my friends from class (I feel comfortable calling them my good friends at this point). We sat together at a table laughing and joking around instead of doing work, and I am so okay with that. There’s no better feeling than looking around the room and seeing a bunch of people that you care about smiling and laughing. I just think “wow. I did this. I am the cause of their happiness.” It’s like nothing else matters except that moment. And in that moment the aura is organic and pure and good and you can just feel how right everything is. Like the sun and the moon and all the stars in the universe can’t compare to the galaxies in your heart.  

And if that doesn’t make your heart happy, I’m not sure what will. It’s the little things in life

-lpp

[lppir05-blog]

I didn’t make this blog to gain tons of followers and become tumblr famous. It’s more of a way to express my emotions through writing- something I’ve never done before. Feel free to read them; I’ll probably post some pictures along the way.

-lpp