B'Elanna Torres vs The Delta Quadrant

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 50126.4

Happy 27th birthday to me.

This year, Harry found out when my birthday is and toldeveryone. So Neelix made that weird cake and everyone sang to me in the mess hall at dinner time. That wasn’t awkward at all.

At least Harry bought me dinner. That was a highlight. I also got two gifts, one from Chakotay and one from Tom. Chakotay gave me a new pair of running shoes, since I had been complaining that I needed a new pair. They are the same as the old pair… I don’t know how he got the information but I kind of hope he wasn’t going through what I replicate. That could lead to some awkwardness.

And Tom gave me a book: 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. He said it was a favorite of his. I started reading it tonight, and to be honest, it’s a bit dull. I think I’ll have to keep reading because I’m sure at some point he’ll ask me about it. Or I could maybe just read an abridged version. Or see if there was a holographic version made. I feel like I’m in school again or something.

Computer, end personal log

[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 50052.7

I don't even know what to say, personal log. I thought I was going to have to spend the rest of my life on a primitive planet. I thought Tom was dead. I spend several nights wrapped up in Harry’s arms because I was freezing… and then pretending that I didn’t feel his… what does Tom call it?... ‘morning wood’ poking me in the ass. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I could have went my whole life without feeling Harry’s erection against my ass.

But it was nice of him to offer himself as my blanket.

I’m just so glad to be back on this ship. I almost don’t care that the Kazon damaged the ship so I have a ton of repairs to do. I get to take a shower and sleep in a bed. All seems right with the world.

Especially the part about Tom not being dead.

And the part about Seska being dead. I hope she rots in hell.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49932.4

These damn Kazon. For some reason they keep hitting us on the starboard ventral, and I can’t repair it fast enough before they are back attacking the damn things again.

This is all fucking Seska’s fault. What kind of person takes someone’s DNA and impregnates herself with it? That fucking Cardassian. They’re all the same, conniving assholes.

I should go to bed, I have to be back on duty again in 4 hours. Or when red alerts sounds.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49698.2

We have the Captain and Chakotay and are back on course for the Alpha Quadrant. I had dinner with Chakotay tonight and he seemed more distant than normal. Finally I had to ask him what was going on and he said, “B’Elanna, if there is ever someone you really care about, do me a favor and don’t let duty stand between you and happiness.”

It was such a random thing for him to say that I just told him ‘okay’ and went back to eating. I’m pretty sure he was talking about himself and the captain. I wonder if they were sleeping together down there.

Well, I have a new number one thing I’m not going to ask Chakotay.

Computer, end personal log. 

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49694.2

Well, we got the cure for the captain and Chakotay’s illness. All it took was offering up my DNA to those butchers who then didn’t want what we had offered, they just fucking attacked us instead.

I really hate the Vidiians.  

Oh, and to top it all off, my nightmares are back. I really hope this is the last we see of them.

But I guess it was all worth it because we did get the medicine and we are headed back to get Chakotay and the Captain. I’m ridiculously happy that I will be able to see Chakotay again. These weeks have be rough without him. I don’t think I was… taking it very well. And I wasn’t a huge fan of ‘Captain’ Tuvok.

But it’s over now. Everything will be back to normal soon.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49690.1

I feel like shit. For the past three weeks my whole staff has been distracted and can’t get any work done. It’s amazing how much Chakotay and the captain held this crew together. Sometimes I forget about what happened and will think of something I need to tell Chakotay because he will find it funny. And then I remember that I will never be able to tell him anything again. And I get so mad.

I’ve been running at the gym a lot, trying to get rid of this extra energy so I don’t kill anyone on my staff. It doesn’t help that Harry has been extra… something. He keeps trying to get us to rise up against Tuvok. The other day he asked me if the Maquis were upset about all this. If I had not known better, I would have thought he was planning a mutiny or something.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49685.1

I cannot believe we are just… leaving them behind! That Tuvok is the captain now and… and I’ll never see Chakotay again.

I talked to him over the comm earlier today. He told me not to be sad, that he and the captain would be just fine. That I needed to set an example for the crew and take with well. That I needed to be a leader, especially for the Maquis crew. I needed to be their advocate now that he wasn’t going to be there to do it. And he told me how proud of me he was.

I’m glad he couldn’t see me, curled up on my couch, streaming down my face as he spoke. I’m going to miss him so much. He saved me… not only from that damn ship, but also from myself. He… he is the family that I never had. And now I don’t have him either.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49655.2

I do not quite understand how this flower and the transporter created a new living being. I like flowers, but biology has never been my strong suit. Well, the Doctor is working on it now. I hope that he can figure out a way to get things back to normal.

Speaking of which, I think that Tom and I have finally reset. He tried apologizing to me again when we were on the shuttle heading to the planet. I finally told him that what was bothering me was that he lied to my face and I didn’t know. So if he wanted my trust he had to promise to never lie to me again. And he did. Hopefully that wasn’t a lie as well. I hope that I can trust him, I’ve missed him these last months.

It’s strange, I never thought I would find myself saying that I missed Tom Paris.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49616.7

You know, personal log, I’ve never really been afraid of things. I mean, some people are afraid of heights or bugs or whatever, but I’ve never been one of those people.

But I think I might have a fear of clowns now.

Ever since I got out of that damned clown world, every night I’ve had the same nightmare about it. And every time I leave Harry to die in the clown world. I realize it doesn’t take much of a therapist to see the connections here… but I have not been able to get a decent night’s sleep in days. Harry was in there a lot longer than I was. I wonder if he is having these problems as well. Of course, if I asked him then I’d have to admit that a clown is scaring me shitless in my sleep. I think I might just try some whiskey before bed tonight and see if that helps.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49578.2

Well, I drew the short straw this week. Tomorrow get to go on a fun and exciting survey mission with Neelix.

I shouldn’t complain, we need more base minerals after all the repairs we had to conduct after the… I don’t even know what to call it. The proton bust incident? It’s just that… Neelix annoys me so much sometimes. I really don’t understand Kes’ attraction to him. Although, to be honest, I don’t know Kes that well. Maybe I should make an effort to get to know her.

Nothing else of great interest has happened. I had lunch with Harry and Tom today. Things are still a little strained between Tom and me, but we can have a civil lunch now. So, that should make Harry’s life easier.

He, Harry that is, actually came to talk to me about Tom the other day. He said I was being unfair to Tom. That he had been under orders to do what he did. And I knew he was right. I was just… so mad at how he played me. And what he did to Chakotay… and then acted like it was a big joke on Neelix’s stupid morning show. It just… pissed me off. So I’m trying to be civil and give him another chance.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49548.7

Even though I just woke up, I feel like I’ve haven’t slept for at least a week. The ship is slowly coming back together. I’ve never seen it this bad before. When the captain told us we were going to destroy the ship so that the other one would survive, I was kind of relived. I didn’t know how we were going to get Voyager back up and running, I had just watched Harry die, Sam had lost her baby. I don’t usually like to give up, but in that moment, it didn’t seem like such a bad plan.

But as it turned out, they destroyed themselves and we got their Harry and… I don’t know the baby’s name. I guess I should ask at some point.

It took me a day just to catalogue all the damage and make a schedule for repairs. And still, a week later, people are reporting damage they just found. I’ve been grabbing a few hours of sleep here and there, but every time I leave engineering, within about four hours I get called back.

Now that we have the engines back online, things are calming down. For instance, I’ve actually been off duty for 9 hours now. I need to get back down there… I need to keep us moving.

I need to keep moving.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49504.3

I’m furious right now.

First, what the hell was with the people on the Val Jean?! Suder was a killer, Jonas a trader, Tuvok was working for Starfleet, Seska for the Cardassians. I trusted each person on that ship with my life… I sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible judge of character.

Speaking of which, fucking Tom. I am so mad at him right now and I don’t even completely know why. He did what he did for all of us. He was ordered to do it. But… but I am still so mad at how he went about it. I thought we were close, that I meant something to him. But over the last months he shoved me away. He didn’t open up when I directly asked him what was going on. He didn’t even say goodbye to me before he left. He says now that he is sorry and it was all an act but… but can’t help but I wonder who the real Tom Paris is.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49485.2

The Doctor took a piece of my brain to help that Vidiian woman, Denara. I really didn’t want to help her after what those monsters did to me, but, when I saw her standing there… I couldn’t say no. What they did to me wasn’t her fault and that she is sick isn’t her fault. I still didn’t feel good helping her.

Just seeing her caused me to have another nightmare. I woke up last night in a sweat, clutching Toby. I tried to calm myself and ended up thinking about Tom. I miss that Tom that helped me in the mines, the one who worked with me on the warp 10 project. I don’t know what happened to him. I do know that the Tom I have now was thrown in the brig and relieved of duty.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49301.2

I was *this* close.

Stupid god damn ankle.

I was in the finals versus Lieutenant Andrews. He’s big and has a lot of reach, but I’m much faster. I was ahead, I had him just where I wanted him when the stupid ball’s hover mechanism broke and it dropped to the ground. I was in the middle of lunging and couldn’t stop my movement and stepped on it, rolling my ankle. They had to pause the game to replace the ball and I knew the ankle hurt like hell, but I thought, hey it’s just a few strained or torn ligaments or something. I was sure I could finish the game, I just needed five more points. Well, Chakotay saw me limping and called the Doctor over. Evidently I tore the ankle apart and had a fracture. I tried to insist that I could finish the match, but the Doctor wouldn’t let me.

They called it a draw.

A FUCKING DRAW.

I should have won. I’ll win next year.

After the match was called, Tom came over to the bench to… I don’t know, be an ass probably. I snapped at him that I didn’t need him around. I’m done with Tom Paris’ games.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49447.0

Well… in the end I guess I’m not a total screw up. I did stop Dreadnought.

I also caused the death of at least ten pilots and mass hysteria on an innocent world.

Chakotay was right. I never should have messed with that damn weapon. I was so glad to watch the sensor footage of it blowing up. Now I know that fucking weapon with my voice will never kill an innocent person again.

I’m on restricted duty for the next couple days, since I was “singed,” as the Doctor put it. Harry came to see me in sickbay, but Tom… he didn’t. He’s been a giant ass lately and when I tried to ask him about it, he just deflected.

Maybe I was wrong about him.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49410.2

This has been a pretty impressive week, log. I found a dead body, Suder is a serial killer (that wasn’t too surprising… just disappointing), Tuvok goes crazy, and Tom has started acting strangely. Is there something in the water?

About Tom, first he cancels our… date? I’m not exactly sure what it was going to be, but he canceled. I also heard he got into a fight with Lt. Rollins and then Chakotay was telling me that he was running a rigged betting pool. None of this seems like stuff that Tom would do… I don’t know what is going on with him. Maybe I should ask Harry about it.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-belanna-torres]

Personal Log Stardate 49373.4

I do not even know where to begin with this. This should probably be about four personal logs, but I have not had a minute to myself in so fucking long…

So, the short version: Tom died, turned into a lizard, mated with the captain, and is now in sickbay, as a human again, for observations.

Oh, and I nearly made out with him tonight.

That man… I just feel so damn comfortable around him. I’d been going to hang out with him in sickbay since he is trapped in there, and tonight we were playing cards. Things started to get a little… intimate… but before I could ever let that happen I had to know why he betrayed us. So I asked. And he told me. He told me about how he thought that he could do the time, but as the months wore on, the loneliness, the despair, harassment from the other prisoners all got to him. And by the time Janeway showed up, he was broken, and just wanted out. That he had helped them because he was selfish, and that although it has all worked out, he feels hugely guilty about it. The idea that he may have sent me to prison kills him inside.

I was curled up next to him when he said that… and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. I don’t know why… why he is having this effect on me.

In any case, the captain chose that instant to return and here I am nearly making out with Tom in sickbay. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there.

I bet I’ll start hearing in the rumor mill that Tom and I are fucking…  

Computer, end personal log.

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