Poetry

My thoughts when my therapist isn’t there to listen to me

[lucidtinytown]

the same feeling has chased me from where ive stood after all these years

i walk towards renewal but falter at the sight of change

i detest being seen more often than i do being loved

but love is all i live for, the desire being carved into every intolerable wound

i want to change (you)

accept you as you are but i will never be good enough

(I’ll) fight through a battlefield you’ll never understand

and I wont stop being at war, my heart enraged at the silence of (your) stability

I’ll end my life right where you cannot reach me

I’ll suffer right where I am needed

I despise it, this give and take expected of me

I’ll give and take more than you are used to and you will wish I was never alive

correct, you’ll hate that I ever loved you at all

[lucidtinytown]

i wont love anyone ever again

ill make sure of it

i wont let anyone love me

i don’t deserve it

no one should know me

they dont deserve that

how long do i have left

how much longer in this

this arduous game where no one wants to play

where no one wins

only loss is greater than the desire to live

how grief stole your joy

the light gleaming around but never at you

never through because what lies

at the center is a hole that will never be sealed

direct me

guide me

to someone who knows the rules

the way to succeed

point me to the direction please

i beg of you

please

i have nothing for me anymore

nothing

just let me down

and let me lose

[lucidtinytown]

how do you know when somethings too much when theres never enough?

[lucidtinytown]

i gave up

and you gave up on me again

when you gave up i fought

i said i wanted you

when i gave you up you left

willingly

towards others who distract you from the sorrow of me

i swear i have grown

often the ceiling is too tall and nothing is within reach

i curl up knowing the bitter cold of truth

mouth foaming i heave my vision blurry

i wish i swallowed

living isnt fine anymore

i lost everyhting

i gave everything

i cant continue anymore

i was good

i was good

theres no beauty in leaving

only freedom of movement away from everything

i wanted to reach the skies and feel the breeze

float away like a thought never meant to stay

and ill leave

in some way

i require to go now

and i willingly go

dont be sorry filled anymore

i wont be sorrowful anymore

if a promise is meant to stay

let me go

[lucidtinytown]

i have emptied out all the promises that meant something.

pulling them apart, the strings pull themselves together to feign wholeness, genuinity.

but i know the truth, the cruel one.

i have lied to you countless times about truths I convinced myself ceased to exist.

i love you, but i know this will never work. i give up on you, because i know this will never work.

i hurt you, because i know this will never work,

i betray you, because this will never work.

i despise you, because this will never work.

i am terrified; because i know.

convincing me is singing a lullaby to a deafening chorus of disappointments.

i don’t want this to work.

because i love you, i know this will never work.

[lucidtinytown]

dont make me feel like the dream of release is better than the reality of staying with you

being here eats me alive and leaves with no ounce or crumb of hope

I see my future and the one without you is a breath of fresh air

sitting here suffocating waiting for you to finally decide to unravel me from your grip

let me down, but never let me go

because having me is much easier than increasing your capacity to love me, not swallow, me whole

[lucidtinytown]

i stare at you while you glance away

every waking second i walk tortured through your desires

my eyes deceive me, my will never pleased

i convince you to touch me intolerably to have faith in otherwise

you do not want this

you do not want me

visions of others imprinted onto me to make realities of beauty

ive been stripped standing near you

yet naked i feel no vulnerability, it is not me you seek

perhaps knowledge of this shields me from your minds eye

knowing you wish the touch and sound of someone else

perhaps thats good enough for me

maybe it blinds you, this belief of the other in a world you view yourself in

perhaps i too can pretend you are who you will never be

a person who has held my heartstrings and only created melodys

not sad symphony with sympathy for yourself

how lowly is it to think

you could ever love me as much and as easily as you crave them

you crave them

and I’ll never sleep again

[lucidtinytown]

why am i given life by the same dust that births the moon? i do not shine nor affect waves incandescently, though i desire to be a star. i feel too closely to jupiter and crushingly guilty like cancerous black holes. i compare myself to the cosmos to make some sense of my unimportance, and responding to my animosity, they nod at their unimportance too.

why, does their existence serve a purpose simply because they are looked at? what of the planets that hold nothing but storms of dust? the planets frozen, never given the chance to move on? the space matter that fill the gaps between the suns feel empty, a shame that they cannot be understood yet alone seen.

why do i suffer the knowledge that all of this exists to end? a gentle breeze passes by floating between thoughts yet never fully involved, the chirp of birds pitchy with no remorse for those who have had enough, the ground trembling from the weight of life yet holding still, i stand at the center with a desperate question.

will I ever, ever mean something?

the universe answers again.

you always have

[lucidtinytown]

i still grieve over things i wish were never alive

[lucidtinytown]

there is nothing pathetic in my intensity

only those cowards that spit at the thought of a light shining

i suffered and ive lost

but i did it with all of my heart and my entire souls intention

and i lost more intensely that others have ever won

you can look and pity at my mouth full of things i cannot chew

but i bit through it as an act of bravery, wholeheartedly

and if you call it pathetic i do not want to be glorious in your eyes

i have lost, and yet i gain more identity and worth in myself than those of you who win constantly

i lost, and i am proud of it

what does anything of that have to do with any of you?

i lost, and i cry shaking through my grievances

with a clenched fist i heave myself up harder than anyone has ever needed to

and i am proud

because all of this has colored my will and meaning with much brighter hues

than the muted judgement of those who can never relate

to the burning passion that fuels me through it all

[lucidtinytown]

i am never satisfied with less and more gives a false taste of freedom

to have everything in the world, a desire children have to feel a king in a sea of wanderers

when the feeling of fullness tingles under my fingers i clasp onto it like no other

this is selfish to some, to others it is victory

unfortunately whatever others feel is unimportant, i listen to my wants to the detriment of others

this is selfish to most, to the sick and asleep it is a life filled with dreams

taste the edges of glory and want the core of it all, i whisper to everyone who dares to listen

but i do not know what i am even saying, never, not once, not at all

for i am a child, who has now grown tall

[lucidtinytown]

I am glad to have the privilege of knowing you, it means you were near once

[lucidtinytown]

to get who i am is to love the parts you dont want to see

to say you cherish and want me is to swallow the bitterness of my pain

i wish to you that it will go away for both of our sakes

yet the knife you twist at my heart when you remind me my existence is a mistake

this type of person you can’t handle and need

i want you to need me more than i want to continue with your indecency

love and hate you changes nothing when the difference in desperation slaps me in the face

do not touch me anymore, you only like the parts you seek in other people

you disgust me. to say you despise my being would be better than to say you love me at all

i want you to need me

at some point i will suffocate and leave when my heart stops living through your name

i reach out to you and i need you so

my reflection doesn’t feel like me anymore, nothing you do will be enough for me anymore

you cannot feel for who i am anymore

i will stay until the hate that spreads from my rib cage out weighs the brutality of loving you

i hate you, i need you, i despise you, you will never love me, i will always wish you could

ill die at your hands if that is the only thing it takes to be who i need you to want to be

or willingly kill who i will forever never become to you quietly

bitterly accept that you won’t need to feign listening to my soul anymore

the silent prayer for your idea of me to be finalized just so you can love me

without reminders of reasons to ignore the tremble in my voice when i say i love you

[lucidtinytown]

you never need to beg for me to love you above all

go down on your knees and drive yourself insane with the idea of losing me

write the sentences that can never correctly describe how visceral you feel for me

desire less and desire more until you are satiated from tasting all of me

and it won’t be enough because you’ll want to sink your teeth deeper and deeper intimately

to look in the mirror and wish I was looking back at you

that will never be as easy to be done with me as I do with you

blueprints of your outline catch my attention walking past and I cannot stop staring

look and feel the sinking difference between all versions of you

you have moved on it more ways than one while the space next to me whispers your name

the room so big and empty as I feel when you will never reach out again

and I’ll leave, because someone will love me easier than this

the fight will be easier while they stare into my eyes and see the world in me

and I will always remember your dismissal to acknowledge your affect on me

the guilt when you fail and buckle from the pressure of reciprocity

remember that failure and see in front of me what you have been and will never be

look away to those easy to love, while I look for the opposite of you in every person after

I hate you, I will never stop needing you

[lucidtinytown]

when can someone fucking love me without ripping out my soul and tearing it apart

i know i deserve better, when there is space i make for someone better it remains empty

no one tries to fill it, no one desires it unless they fantasize about taking advantage of me

i dont need to be understood or cared about or even seen

i want to be loved without having to spill my guts out and without throwing up the thoughts of reciprocity

i give and give and give but the emptiness moves from what theyve taken from me into my heart

kill me if you must end me to end this game of chasing

i dont want to run anymore, i dont deserve to fight to be loved anymore

ive taught and fought for myself long before i realized no one wants to be good to me

and it has given me nothing paired with no one

fight or die, any choice gets me fucking nothing

[lucidtinytown]

to be understood, an adjective that escapes me

perhaps this sadness is genetic, an inheritance from a woman trapped in her own mind

i name it depth for others to know they have to drown in order to reach the bottom

there is nothing for miles beyond my surface and air contorts away from gasps

this is wailed from the suffocating weights i refuse the freedom of

dare to tread and see, my voice barely a tremble against this wall

to them i am an object of pity desperately inhaling the blood i force out of me

why do i dive, dear god and what for?

my heels and fingers bleed digging through coral, senses ringing against the pressure

dear fearful child why have you come so far for?

i do not swallow my pride but my heart has gone to wish, to be engulfed again

for you i answer, will you drown reaching me too?

[lucidtinytown]

struggles of mine are often unnoticed until i forcefully sit someone down and make them understand

they refuse to listen so they cover their ears and in shame of my desperate attempt at being seen i die without reaching out

everyone who has held my hand when in need pulls back, as if my identity burned itself into their finger prints

despite those efforts i repeatedly find myself being subjected to being the mature and considerate one

im disgusted by that idea, entirely because i am expected to do something no one will do for me

feel the sizzling pain of their palm against mine and bite down on my tongue when it begs to ask if they know me at all