☽ Evelyn’s Desk ☾

22 years old // all writing by me, so please do not steal!

[lucinesnow]

A devious whisper in my ear broke the everlasting silence when I looked at the mirror, and cold arms grabbed me through the glass.  

Such cold they were, I had never felt that intense, freezing touch - as if death itself had caught me by accident. No cry would help me in the cage, and no voice would leave my throat as I tried. Yet, something indescribably enchanting kept me there without resisting at all; as if I was enjoying the pain, sinking deeper into the darkness as my lungs were giving up.  

And, eventually, the hands turned soft. They were all over me, it was a sanctuary, and I was at ease in those arms, those loving arms. So sweet, safe and sound. It was like the kiss of death that tasted so good that I ignored the fact it was fatal.

One day, I wanted to let go, I wanted to run away from her. The darkness was too much for me, I could not stay there any longer as the imagery of heaven shattered before my eyes.  

And, for a moment, I desired the taste of the sea, the kiss of the wind and the scent of flowers. But no, she wouldn’t let me leave. She chained me down, filled my mind me with sweet lies and put me to sleep to dream of the world that was on the other side of the mirror consumed by the dark.  

And so, I forgot who I used to be. As she brought me a mirror to look at, there was no me, there was only her wide smile and a corpse with glazed blue eyes staring into nothingness. Strands of red locks were falling on the floor, and I was shivering in the cold. But she told me that I was perfectly fine, and while crying at my reflection, I believed.

So, I stayed a little longer, and the tighter she held my corpse, the colder it became. The past was as if it had never existed, and I was here, in the abyss, in the arms of death. The mirror was breaking, piece by piece. But little did I know the glass was clear, only my eyes were blinded by her lies.  

One starry night, I tried to climb out of the window as she was sleeping tight, I tried to find an escape route. But eventually, she would grab me again and stretch the mirror to hide the exit from me. A flood came from my eyes, but it didn’t drown me, and I tried to break the glass, but it held too tight. She threw more dirt in my eyes, and my sight wouldn’t last longer – but I saw her clear as a day. Having lost the fight again, I kept sleeping in her embrace, in her control, and staring at the corpse in the mirror that wasn’t me.  

She embraced me again, then asked me kindly: would you like to stay here forever?

And without hesitation, I answered her no. From the depth of my heart, I answered no. I had only desired love, affection – but only received pain, from those once loving arms.

But she laughed at my face and held me tight as she told me that there was no other way. And I refused to stay there, but the arms around me had grown so strong and warm – yet, they were too strong, suffocating, and I could barely breathe.

You’re fine here, and everything is okay, she kept repeating, day and night.

And I nodded through the tears, pulled her closer to me again and closed my eyes. Because there was no way out. And if I let go of her, who would catch me when I fall?

[lucinesnow]

November

Cold wind howling outside,

and still, I lie among the wreckage of my thoughts,

immobile, trapped

like a fly caught in its own web.

No matter what I do,

it all disintegrates,

a slow, inevitable collapse.

Everything I touch

becomes a fading echo,

a distant shadow of what it once was.

Everything I try

ignites into ash,

a hollow flame that consumes with no warmth.

And now it’s nearly December.

What have I achieved?

What is left to show for this endless cycle

but the tears I shed before the mirror,

rejecting every comfort,

every sweet gesture,

like they were poison to my soul?

I scour old photographs,

searching for the me that never was,

hoping to go back,

to undo the pain that haunts me now.

But I wasn’t happy then

only a ghost of what I thought I could be.

And now, I am a storm of sorrow,

flooded by memories and regret.

I’ve been every shape,

a fractured outline of who I was meant to be,

yet no hand has reached to pull me from this abyss.

So why try?

Should I tear away every thorn that shreds me inside,

or let my broken shell decay in peace?

Because no matter how my eyes try to catch the moonlight,

my thoughts always drag me back into the dark,

and I find myself digging my own grave,

one anguished breath at a time

until I slip and fall without a trace 

into the depths of the ground.

[lucinesnow]

disorder

My hands, too large,gripping every inch of my body

through the grime of self-loathing,

through mirrors and plates and chainsaws,

through the thorns that tear, never to the roses,

only to the hollow promises of "enough”

I lie on this forsaken, muddy ground,

marked by the weight of my own mind,

sipping water through straws

waiting for relief that never comes

as my body withers,

my shelves empty,

my soul decays in silence.

Those hands, too tight around my throat,

I choke on strawberry-scented air,

breathing in ashes from the fire that consumes me.

Every gasp is a plea for release,

but the torment stays,

as those hands caress my skin,

twisting my words,

turning my hunger into guilt.

The grip tightens, it seizes every inch,

my fragile body pressed against its will,

my waist, my thighs, my arms

never thin enough,

never pure enough.

Tighter, tighter

I can’t escape.

The thoughts claw at my mind

and I can't stop them,

they dig deep,

pulling me closer to this skin I despise.

Until I am nothing

a shadow of the girl I used to be,

a hollow shell,

waiting to crawl deeper into the pit

where I was always meant to lay.

Somewhere, beneath the surface,

my fractured thoughts scatter like crumbs

blown away in the wind,

as dirt piles over my eyes,

eyes that never saw the truth,

never saw the beauty of being whole.

Safe, at last, from the war within,

but those hands,

they’ll always find someone else.

Someone new to pull down

into the abyss with me,

where in the end

Even the feast of heaven is too much for me to swallow.

[lucinesnow]

june

it's hard to believe that what once I thought was forever,

is now another piece of paper that I read over and over again,

the page I turned with tears in my eyes,

a tear I shed that june night

yet here I am, the same old me.

your green eyes will never meet mine again,

and I cannot help but wonder,

if my name ever crosses your mind,

if your lips turn into a smile when you think of june

or anything, really.

[lucinesnow]

hollow souls; part I

“Well look who decided to come out for once!”

An instant hit in my face.  

I was gasping for air; my limbs were frozen, I should have known it earlier, but here I was again.

A second punch. Now I tasted a bitter, metallic liquid in my mouth, a sharp pain ached my nostril and I raised my hand for defense.

“Stop, please, stop...”

It didn’t help. It was useless, as if I was shouting at the ocean for help, or in the middle of the universe, no one could hear me. Even though I knew they did. Still, everyone seemed to ignore it.  

After all, I was just a boy everyone picked on. For no reason.  

“Don’t ever look at her like that!”

“You hear me?”

I had not done anything, I had not even slightly gazed at the gang girl’s direction, I did not even know her name. But somehow, I knew they knew it as well. Of course, they had only picked on me for no reason and they decided to make it up from nowhere.

“There, don’t ever lay your eyes on her!”

A punch at my stomach. I tried to answer, but I knew it wouldn’t help. I couldn’t even breathe anymore, I felt like I was suffocating and ceasing to exist.  

I had never understood their motivation. They had grabbed me as the target, since I was quiet – but I had never done them any harm. I couldn’t help but feel helpless. I was just a human.

“That’s right for you, Junpei! Keep your nasty eyes off her!” Yelled one of them in the back.

Then, a kick at my face, I was gasping for air again, desperately trying to shout anything, but I couldn’t. All I could do was cry again. I hated the fact that I always ended up crying – but what else could I do when everything hurt?

Please, I swear I didn’t look, I didn’t mean it, I don’t even know her, I tried to yell, but for what? I could barely make a sound.

The guys laughed at me, threw a few burning cigarettes on my face and kicked me everywhere they could, and my tears were like the wind – noticed, but not cared about. As if I was trash laying on the ground.

“Do the same tomorrow and you’ll wish you were dead!”

I was left lying down, bruised with burn marks on my forehead and blood all over my face. And even though the guy had meant tomorrow, even now I wished I was, in fact, dead. It would be such a merciful situation to be in Heaven rather than on Hell that was down here. Every day felt like I was sinking deeper into the abyss, every step was closer towards the fury that burned me down.

I still had no idea how I’d hurt those people in my school. Somehow, I couldn’t understand what wrong I had done to them. I was just existing, in fact, my existence was very quiet, and I felt almost like I was nobody, and no one cared about me.  

I knew my mom kept an eye on me, but ever since I’d switched schools, I had become a target to bullying. Ever since I had not done absolutely anything. And that made me feel like even though I tried to keep my head low and walk down the streets as close to the walls as possible, eventually someone would hit me and call me weak. I knew I was weak. That’s why the strong always bullied me.

Did I get tired of it? Yes, obviously, but was there something I could do? No.

All I wanted was to get rid of it, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew the fault was not me, it was the evil people who put others down, but sometimes I doubted my beliefs.

My only wish was that I could find someone to help me, guide me through my life, someone I could always turn to no matter how bad it was. And as certain as I was about it, it meant love. But for me, there was only suffering. No one would ever love a person like me in this cruel world. I was all alone.

It was a rainy evening when I was walking to a cinema to watch an old movie. It was something I always did when I felt down. I felt a deep connection to characters with similar personalities to mine, so I really enjoyed movies. I could say it was my special interest, and the other benefit of going to the cinema was that it was the only place where I could be left in peace.

“One ticket to Human earthworm, please.”

The cashier was deep in his thoughts and didn’t hear me.

“Ahem”, I repeated, raising my voice a little. “One ticket… uh...” Then, the cashier coldly gave me the ticket as I passed him the money. The rain intensified. I could smell gasoline in the air.

I was the only one in the theatre besides a group of three people. My stomach turned around as I recognized them – they were the bullies from earlier. I tried my best not to get noticed by any of the guys. And I succeeded. Quietly, I sat on the middle row above them, and the lights went out. I took a deep breath. Finally, I was alone.  

But I couldn’t enjoy the movie. The guys kept talking and eating like pigs, yelling, even. I could barely hear the movie itself. Shut up, I kept telling them inside my head. I cannot hear a thing, shut up!

As the movie was reaching the climax, they still had not stopped. I wished I had the courage to yell at them – but as I knew them personally, there was no way I could do such a thing, ever. But God, I was so annoyed, frustrated, and this world seemed to hate me.

“Uh, you guys, we’re trying to watch a movie here”, a chilling, deep male voice said out of nowhere, I had not even noticed the man before. “You should learn to behave, shouldn’t you?”

I looked down and saw him standing behind the three guys – where had he come from? I had not noticed him until now.  

Suddenly, as his hand touched them, they transformed into something I wasn’t sure about. I blinked a few times to see better – yes, they had grown bigger and into transfigured mutations. I had no idea how they had turned out that way, but as I kept looking and the silence pierced my ears, I wanted to escape the theatre as soon as possible.

The mysterious, lakeside blue-haired man looked at me and smiled. I didn’t see myself, but if I did, I would look terrified. I tried my best to ignore him, but he sat right next to me without saying a word. I tried my best to not look at him, but I did anyways. He had scars all over him, as well as stitches. His hair was long and silky, and he was looking away from me.  

“What did you... do to them?” I asked quietly. He didn’t respond. I asked the same question a bit louder, but he just smiled at me.

“Huh, what’s with that scared look?” He asked as if it was nothing. “You should thank me... they bullied you earlier, right?”

“What did you do?” I asked again, panicking. How did he know they had bullied me?  

“Just cleaned the trash”, he shrugged calmly. “Aren’t you happy now?”

“I... uh, thanks.”

He giggled a little. I decided to ignore him again. The atmosphere felt weird; it was as if no one had seen anything happen just yet. I felt like I was part of murder, however, the bullies had already disappeared. What if I had imagined the whole thing? It must’ve been that.

As the movie ended, I wanted to get out as soon as possible.  

The rain was pouring outside, the streetlights were hazy through the mist. I ran in the poodles and prayed that no one was coming after me, hoping my mom had left the door open and the encounter I had in the theater never happened.  

And luckily, the door was open. I could hear my mom and dad arguing behind the bedroom door as usual. A broken bottle of beer was laying on the floor and my dog was sniffing it. Of course, it would be like this again. This was nothing out of the ordinary in my miserable life. I was certain they did not even care about me anymore. No one really did.

Slow enough to make my parents not notice me, I tiptoed upstairs and locked my door.  

“Oh, so you live here.”

My heart jumped in my throat as I looked on my bed.

He was laying hands under his head and legs crossed, his blue hair almost untied and no socks on. His smirk was still painted on his unnaturally pale face. I wanted to run away immediately, but I was frozen in front of the door.

“How did you get here?” I stuttered. “Who are you?”

His eyes were looking straight at me. “I’m someone you need. Or perhaps, your savior.”

[lucinesnow]

january.

icicles hanging from the wooden cottage, cold breath, hazy trees painted in the landscape, really deep piles of snow, gray and white sky, freezing temperature, depression, homemade cinnamon rolls, fireplace, extra long sweaters, frozen lakes and rivers, ancient books, candelights, darkness, storms, sad indie music, longing, warm hugs, longing stares, sweet piano melody.

[lucinesnow]

when the thorn killed the rose

why am I still here? I’m not sure whether I’m walking on flower petals or knives. as I’m with you, I would do either of those. just don’t leave me, not just yet.

I swear I’d walk to the Moon and back for you to hold me. just hold me, and never let me go, not just yet.

lovely isn’t it, how I love you so much. you light me up, and I bow before your will. you’re the fire, I’m the ice, and even if it hurts, I melt as I touch you.

and still even though it hurts, I love you more than anything.

damn you.  lovely isn’t it? how we can leave and come back again. scarred with our lies, and cling to each other for even more scars.  

You keep on breaking me, and I like it. I adore the way you hurt me me, I love the pain and the blood, and the feeling of your hands around my neck.  

do you love me too? Somehow, I know you do, I believe you love me at least a little. But am I a liability to you?  I don’t mind what you think, I only care if you are with me or not.

You leave me standing in the rain, I call it love.  

You leave me with your hands covered in blood, and I call it love.

I shouldn’t. This is all so wrong, I should let you go. Yet, you are like my drug, I’m in the cage of your empire, believing I am free, but you don’t feed me through the bars. I just need to be with you.

is it love? yes, I keep telling myself until I ache. and yes, I keep feeling the same.

I love you, your touch, and your words, and your lies, and the blood, and I don’t mind the pain.

My everything, I say through the tears.

You never call me, and I am scared to leave. You never kiss me in daylight, I don’t either, I am scared to disappoint.

I don’t mind as you look at her. It’s okay, I could change myself too. Because I love you and it’s all that matters.  

And if I love you, do you love me too?

Why am I still here, walking on knives for you? Flower petals are shattered under my feet, but I don’t care since I did it for you.

and you are the centre of the universe, and the king of my heart, the sun of my world. everything I did, I did for you.

Yet my hollow heart was always longing for your love, which I never received. And I did it all for you, and only you.

walked on knives, scarred my hands. withered the flowers, helplessly let them fall. sacrificed myself, now I’m just turning crimson red, all over. and you laugh. why do you laugh?

but I know why, I always knew, deep inside my heart, you were like that, and living inside a lie seemed like fun, as long as it lasted.

Yet I am dying to know, if there was anything you thought of me.

did you love me too?

[lucinesnow]

not real.

why would you let me live in the make believe?

you could have passed by, you could have never met me.

why would you tell me you cared for me?

because in the end, you could have just let me be.

why would you stay with me all these years,

when all you could have done was never met me?

because all those tears I shed for you were genuine like september rain,

but so dry were those tears you would shed for me.

so why did you bother, or perhaps it was me?

just because I cared, I thought it was all real.

[lucinesnow]

sacrifice

holding you in my fragile heart

not letting you get hurt

my mirror is shattering into pieces

and falling down on my maroon skin

but you,

you remain glass clear

[lucinesnow]

teary-eyed dove

She was at peace. The delicate harmony surrounded her, she breathed it, her worries were long gone and her eyes were wide open, looking at the bright sky at the azure sky which mirrored her blue eyes.

Her limbs were resting on flower petals. She could hear the wind howling quietly in the branches of the pines, but it didn’t bother her – she felt complete and whole while lying there without a thought of tomorrow. She knew she wanted to stay there, but something didn’t feel right.

The flowers around her were bright, deep red, and they were roses. Somehow, they looked a little too intensely red, and smelled like iron.

How peculiar, she thought. She was all alone, in eternity, yet alive - in a dream.

Then, the field grabbed her feet as she stood, and those roots tangled up her legs. She couldn’t help it; she opened her mouth wide but no sound would leave her lips. And there, to think, even though she was sinking, or even though she would die if she sank any further into the unknown, her mind was at immeasurable, unconditional peace. As if the roses were taking her all the way to heaven. If that innocence was how it felt to be dying, she craved I now. More than anything. She had to leave, immediately, yet her feet were chained to the ground and would not let her go. A salty tear spilled from her eyes and she tasted the bittersweet despair of betrayal. She knew where she was, and she could never leave. Not until she forgot him.

A pale, soft hand reached out to her as if it was an angel taking her to heaven, and those icy blue eyes pierced her identical irises. She couldn’t let go, neither could she hold on to that pale hand. No matter how soft his touch was, she knew the roses always had thorns, and in this case the thorns would stake her before she could admire the beauty of the flowers. It sent shivers down all of her limbs, she knew it was not good for her, not at all.

The more he pulled her towards his embrace, the more she wanted to fall down to the rose garden. No matter how delicate his touch was, she didn’t want to be deceived again. Something inside her – something so delicate and untouched – awakened as his hazy breath touched her ears. Love, unconditional love. Something she had always had for him, something she would never forget no matter how she tried, and he would take it with a smile – only to disappear without a trace.

He would touch her deepest core; she would see the human, the beautiful human being he was and had always been, only to end up being ripped apart by the beast. And he, he would still admire the beauty beside her, the broken, delicate beauty he would always hold dear.

With a smile, he kissed her fingers, one by one. Her eyes closed with a soft smile on her lips, she enjoyed the brief moment of his rare affection, his angelic touch, and icy lips of the one she would never forget.

Her eyes opened again to see the flowers turning red as she touched those, and for a moment, she felt bliss in his arms, those ruthless arms of a monster which she found beautifully scattered anyways – to her, he was the thorn and the rose, the beauty and the beast, even if the darkness would always end up getting the best of him. He scattered the flowers around her, with a kiss he buried her inside the lilies.

And those flowers were covered in her blood, and always had been.

[lucinesnow]

withdrawn

I wanted to disappear. 

It was my deepest desire to run barefoot to the depths of a forest, escape from all of those responsibilities I was expected to commit and break free from the chains of my chamber. 

Waiting for eternity felt longer than forever itself, and every day was the length of a human life, a Hell on Earth with no exit. I was like a prisoner waiting for her death sentence, an isolated and inhumanly beast that belonged in a cage. I had nothing left but my rusty chains and a stained window, from which a golden light shone its rays through every evening, lighting up my room for only a brief moment.

At night I prayed to the Moon, wishing I could get out, anywhere this world would throw me to. But every morning whilst opening my eyes I could disappoint at the same ceiling greeting me, while shedding salty tears down my cheeks. 

One evening under the silver moonlight I deeply prayed for love, hoping it would shout at me with its bright voice from the shadow of the blue moon, or underneath the tree, to delicately open my heart to it. I kept wishing a day would come for me to feel the freedom and love on my cheeks, I kept dreaming about the passion of the moment and the heatwaves romance caused. 

Evenings on the chilly beach, sand still burning the toes and the red sun setting while there was no rush to go home just yet, it was just me and her. Walking on the city streets while holding hands, kissing in public where every elderly person would stare and judge, though we wouldn’t care at all. Roadtrips to the edge of the world and classic rock playing full volume, nights under the starry skies.

Youth, what a beautiful and romanticized concept of what everything was described to be, as if it was the time of your life – and of which I could only distantly dream of.

[lucinesnow]

jeanne’s complex

“I can’t believe I would run back to you again...”  

The night was silent. The waves were gently caressing the beach and the sea was bathing in the blue moonlight. There were not clouds at all, they would have stained the beautiful, dreamy night that felt like a fever dream.  

She was holding her chest while opening her corset to breathe. Her parasol was ripped, the dress she was wearing was torn half off and she was panting heavily. Her feet were stained in the sand, she had not worn shoes at all.

“Jeanne.”

He stood there, calm as the ocean, his eyes glowing bluer than the milky way. His presence was ethereal, nothing she’d ever seen before. In her eyes, he didn’t seem to be the same selfish man anymore – no, he looked like an angel in this indigo night with eternal silence. The sound of waves calmed her down as she tried her best to not think about him any further, but she knew she would not leave now.  

He turned around to see her and smiled widely. Sudden butterflies filled Jeanne’s stomach, not those fluttering little ones but huge birds that would make her vomit of feelings. Yet, she dared not look away.

“It’s nothing, I just... had something important to tell you”, she gulped, staring at those starry eyes. “Don’t get me wrong, damn human.”

And he laughed; there was nothing funny about it, but he laughed his angelic laugh again. She looked away in embarrassment.  

“You know, Jeanne”, the way he pronounced her name made her heart stop, “you’re so pretty in this moonlight.”

Her eyes flew open as she stared at him again. Something burned her cheeks, as if someone had just thrown fire into them, and she felt her legs chaining herself to the sand. He took a few steps closer and reached his hand out to touch her soft, rosy cheek, but she shook him off.  

“Sh-shut up, human...” she muttered. “I don’t like you; you should know that by now...”

“But you do like my blood, right, Jeanne?”

And he was right. She desired his blood more than anything else in this world. The soft scent was the sole reason she was here, she tried to tell herself, and she would not need anything more, ever. Only his blood would satisfy her eternal thirst.

“Yes, I do”, she whispered. “That is... why I am here.”

He cupped her chin on his fingertips and turned her to look at him, she could not hold the butterflies anymore. His eyes were intensely locked at hers and for a moment, she got lost in that azure heaven.

“Then, you shall have it”, he said with a smile, revealing his bare shoulder.

She had not planned it at all. That was not the reason she was here, and what if she lost control? She should have not even mentioned it, but now that he was offering it for free, she could never refuse. Or maybe it was the reason she had arrived... at this point, she wasn’t even sure anymore.

In a second’s thought, she bit him. He let out a soft moan as her teeth pierced his flesh, and that voice made her want him even more. His blood – it was delicious, bittersweet, filled with rose petals and angels’ laugh, and she wanted it more. And more, and more. She couldn’t stop herself, even though he was moaning a bit louder, she didn’t want to stop.

“Ah, Jeanne...” he gasped. “That... feels so good, actually.”

She felt warm touch on her back as his arms wrapped gently around her, pulling her closer. And she knew she had to stop now, now was the right moment. She couldn’t control herself either way.

He looked at her messed up face and the blood on her lips and smirked. And she couldn’t help but look back at him.  

“Damn you, Vanitas”, she murmured.  

For a moment, he looked surprised. “You called me by my name, Jeanne.”

She blushed crimson red again. He was still holding her tight, so close that she could have almost kissed him if she had wanted to. And deep down, she did want it.

“Vanitas”, she repeated. “I’m not here for this, I... I’m here to tell you an... urgent matter.”

He caressed her cheek so lovingly she was stunned to speak again. He would not let her go, and she would not confess her feelings now. She would not do that. She couldn’t seem like an easy woman. But no, she couldn’t help it; she had fallen for him, way too much and way too deep, like the ocean at night. So dark and mysterious, and no one was waiting for her in the bottom.

“What is it then, Jeanne dear?”  

Her heart was beating out of her chest as he spoke. She tried to contain her feelings and look at him with a professional look, but soon the feelings would overthrow this logical state she was in.

“Don’t look at me like that”, she whispered softly.

“Like what?”

“Like that”, she said again. “You’re making me nervous, Vanitas, almost as if I'd want you to kiss me.”

She regretted it the second she said it and closed her eyes in embarrassment. In a sudden, she felt an angelic force on her, she saw a rose garden, she felt the soft petals falling on her as she felt the first euphoria she had ever felt. Something soft and sweet, like a peach, or a sip of cherry wine, scent of old books.  

Vanitas backed away from the kiss, and she looked at him again, now she could not contain anything anymore.

“I love you, Vanitas”, she gently said. “I... really... always loved you, somehow.”

“And of course, I love you, my dear Jeanne.”

[lucinesnow]

voile rouge

“Would you stay with me? Even if the world fell down on us, the skies crushed us under the weight of a thousand stars? Would you hold me, even if your weak soul was drowning in the deep black sea and the only thing your sacrifice would restore were me, and not even I would be strong enough to avoid it – in the end, our bodies would be scattered on the waves, we’d no longer be. And, even at that cost, would you stay with me till the very end, even at the uncertainty that neither of us would step on the lands of Paradise? As this love of ours has been a mortal sin from the beginning, we’d have to face the consequences – and knowing we’d enter the desperate gates of Hell, even if we never found each other amongst the flames… would you stay with me?”

Those sky-blue eyes mirrored the light of the hidden sunlight, raindrops scattered on the windows as the rain started to fall from the ocean inside those irises. She turned her head away and gasped loudly. 

The raindrops fell on the wooden floor, no matter how hard she tried to collect them. Her eyes were glued to the window, as if they were made of glass. Taste of fear reached her throat, bitter taste of what would come. Her fingers were intertwined tightly together, yet her whole body was shaking uncontrollably like the pine trees in the howling wind.

“Yes”, the other woman whispered, breaking the loud silence. “No matter how long it takes, I would turn every tile of Hell to get to you, we’d never be separated there, as long as I’m with you.” With open arms, she rose to hold her. She covered her ears as three knocks on the door entered their world of make believe. She wouldn’t have to bear with the suffering.  

The thorn killed the rose. And those petals started to fall on the wooden ground as the thorn cried and cried. But she only whispered “thank you”; and kissed her goodbye.

[lucinesnow]

“I can’t sleep...” she yawned and narrowed her eyes at the blue light coming from the laptop on the floor. The small apartment was pitch black; all the curtains were closed to hide the moonlight and skyscrapers. She batted her eyelashes while looking at the screen; it was awfully late at night, and the ticking of the clock along with the keyboard was driving her crazy.

“I don’t even have time for that, I need to work on this case.” He didn’t turn around to face her as he spoke while he was crouching in front of the computer. “You can try to sleep, though.”

She rolled her eyes in the dark and sat up. “I cannot do that while you’re typing and keeping your bright laptop open”, she sighed, hugging her pillow. “In fact, while you are sitting there while I’m lying down is irritating and disturbing… it feels like I’m slacking. Or you’re being weird.”

He eyed her quickly with his dark eyes. In a moment he turned away completely and continued his writing.

“This is important”, he muttered, “you can either sleep or stay awake with me.”

“Why can’t you sleep even for one night?” She asked and raised her eyebrows. “It is always me sleeping and you working, or both of us staying up late... that’s why I, too, am sleep deprived like you. And I might get those black circles too...” She looked away as her sentence slowly faded, and pulled her knees on her chest, because she knew she couldn’t tell him anything. She was almost certain that he’d figure it out sooner or later with his immeasurably impressive intelligence, but she needed to be cautious about saying anything.

He sighed and stopped typing for a second. “I see”, he simply added. “But here’s the thing; you obviously don’t care about my well-being, because if you did, you would have asked me to eat healthy. But now that I think of it, do you want me to...”

“…yes, I do”, she finished his sentence, half loud and still facing the wall.  

“Use medication?”  

“No! I mean…” she stuttered, blushed tried to remain as calm as possible.

“I know you did not mean that”, he added and turned to her. She looked at him for a while, and his eyes were lit up like the laptop.  “I don’t know why... but for a couple weeks, I have noticed something about you.”

“Huh?” She acted as if she had not given any hints. “Like what?”

He sighed and smiled a little, she felt butterflies in her stomach.  

“In any case, it seems like you want me to sleep next to you.”

She blushed even more, but he couldn’t see it in the dark room. Then, without hesitation, he slammed his computer closed and grabbed her to hold her in her arms, and for a moment, he forgot about the case he had been so carefully working on moments earlier.

[lucinesnow]

window

sitting in my room, staring out of the window

the foggy, hazy morning 

faint ice on the cold ground, white trees

even in late october

white sky filled with sorrow as I stare

seasons change in no time

the other day there were still leaves

now they’re lying under the frost

the beginning of the hopeless winter

I remember watching the trees in bloom

those meadows blooming of flowers

blue skies in may

listening to oldies and smiling at life

leaves turning yellow and red

watching the sky turn dark

the starry nights of insomnia

yellow leaves dying on the grass

I’ve seen the world 

every season

but where have I been?

sitting by the window

dreaming you’d come

and take me by the hand

to see the world outside

not through the glass

[lucinesnow]

petals of blood; part I

Loneliness.

I had never felt anything else. My loneliness was my friend, it kept staring at me in the mirror and watched me sleep. It held me tight when I cried and refused to let me go. Some days, it felt like a demon sitting on my shoulder, keeping me from leaving through the door. The world outside was lonely, too: the sun was shining on the clear sky, the trees were holding the snow quietly and the mist trapped the castle on Silent Hill to eternity.

There I was, staring at the door I had just closed behind me. The air was thick and freezing, first snow was falling quietly on the rose garden, and those huge pines leading to the woods were bathed in white.  

Nothing happened here in the hill. There was one small village of which the people never approached me or even looked at the castle. And I had my hollow castle, it was massive and filled with cold chambers and undiscovered mysteries, and I was there all by myself. Some days, I wished someone would knock on my door, yet the day never came.

I had been left all alone in this cold world, and years passed by so slowly, yet it felt like an instant. After my family had abandoned me to the woods in fear of my behaviour, I had never been happy since. The only thing I remembered about that incident was the fear in my mother’s eyes as she threw me in the cave with no food and just a night gown on me. After that, I had fallen into hibernation. A century after that, a little boy from the village had helped me kindly, I did not remember his name, but he had been so kind that I had believed that maybe I would live on. But as time passed by, I did not get to thank him as he left the village with no sign at all.  

Time passed, my hair had turned white, and my eyes had lost their tears, yet I never got older. For a while, I had been looking like a teen, but God knows how many miserable years I had spent here in this damned castle.

I looked up at the clouds that covered the sunlight. The sun had not been there for days, winter was on its way already. I stepped on the fresh snow, wondering if it would be a long winter ahead, but I knew it was always Hell.

As I went to the woods, I kept wondering if the kind villager would ever come back so I would thank him for helping me live on. Those trees held so many memories, and a bunch of things I wanted to let go with the wind, but as I walked past those same branches, my mind was at peace. I had not felt those things in years. They were erased from this land, locked away in my memories. I did not yearn for my past again – it was like a dream; it did not feel real.  

A bird was singing on the top of the tree. Snow kept falling on the ground, soon it was covered in the soft petals of snowflakes, and the cold would freeze everything for a time long as eternity. I would remain in my slumber again, longing for someone to hold me, and it kept wishing it over and over no matter how I knew it would never happen.

I squeezed my winter coat tighter on my skin, yet the cold wind still blew through it. There were no berries anywhere. The snow had already covered all of them, and my stomach fell on the ground, my throat started to ache, but the tears wouldn’t come out. I would never survive the winter.  

My knees froze as I fell on the ground, but there was nothing else. The blizzard was intensifying. I would still find the castle if I left now, only to find myself trapped in the same space as before.

A long spear flew over my head.  

I barely dodged it, and it stuck to the snow. It was glowing in the darkening evening, it seemed like fate, but I had no idea where it had come from.

“The snow appears to be pure”, an unknown, high male voice spoke from the distance. “Seems that I missed my target.”

My heartbeat suddenly turned into a clock ticking inside my ribs. Someone had tried to kill me, and they knew I was here. I was a target. My voice would not come out, my limbs were chained to the ground, and I stared at the trees.  

A swift hand grabbed the spear and saw it almost pierce my flesh on my head, but my legs forced me to get up.  

I had never run so fast in my life. Thoughts of dying filled my head, the cold weather did not bother me anymore as I dragged my feet on the thick snow, praying the spear would not hit me.  

“You won’t get away, monster!” The mysterious voice echoed in the trees, followed by another strike of the spear. In the dark blizzard, I had not seen his face, but I knew that someone out there hated me. Even though I had never done anything bad in my life.  

I slipped on the icy meadow and fell face down on the ground. My feet refused to lift me up, even though I wanted to, my body wasn’t able to stand it any longer. This would be the day I were to die by the hand of this mysterious assassin, and there was nothing I could do.  

Somehow, even though I couldn’t stand my life, I didn’t want to leave this world behind.

“Now, you shall die!”  

His eyes met mine, and I stared at those cherry-coloured, intense eyes. He was so young, it hurt to see him holding a catalyst of death in his hands. His beautiful eyes didn’t hesitate. For a moment, I saw his face looking so full of wrath, like a devil. His rosy strands of hair framed his anger, so cruel but so pretty.  

And those small hands, they were shaking as he held the spear on my neck, yet it did not pierce me. The cross necklace on his neck reflected my terrified eyes, I knew what he was. A vampire hunter.

“Are you lonely?” I whispered.

“Quiet, you!”

His hands gripped the spear tighter, yet it did not reach my neck. I looked up at the sky, the clouds were drifting away and the stars shone their light over the lonely kingdom. My eyelids felt heavy, the snow was slowly pulling me towards its embrace, but I could not rest. Not until his spear was away from me, not until I knew what he was going to do.

My eyes were locked in his, and they looked murderous. “I think it’s rude to try to kill me without introducing yourself first, monsieur.”

“Why do you care about that?” He replied, then stuck the spear in my dress to avoid letting me go. “You’re just a vampire. And vampires deserve to die.”

“My name is Celestine de Sade”, I muttered, ignoring his viewpoint on me.  

He scoffed. “Astolfo Granatum, or Astolfo of Garnet”, he looked away. “I am one of the church’s chasseurs.”

The moonlight shone straight to my eyes, and for a moment, I saw him completely. His eyes widened as his gaze met mine in a moment. I could not ignore that he was a beautiful human for being a male. I had never seen such an interesting-looking person in my long life.

“Astolfo”, I repeated slowly. “Chasseur... I see.”

He was still staring at me, surprisingly enough, and not making a move. I thought that I would have been dead by now, but he did not aim the spear at me, he just kept staring at my eyes and I was staring at his.

“I never thought that I would have to die by the hand of the church, when there is nothing that I can do except lay here and watch my blood spill on the snow.”

Astolfo lifted his spear and pointed it at my chest, lifting it up at the moon’s gaze. My eyelids closed from the world, I waited for the stroking pain in my chest, the one last breath. I had always wanted to die by myself, yet now it seemed that my time was up.

It pierced right through the palm of my hand. I screamed softly; it had not pierced my heart. As I opened my eyes again, I saw the snow turning red, and he was standing face away from me, holding his fists together and shivering, if not from the cold, then from the depth of his heart.

“My sister...” he muttered angrily. “You look just like her laying down there, curse you...”

I opened my mouth to say something, but he brushed his face and turned back at me, eyes filled with hatred and murder. He looked like a fallen angel, his rose-coloured hair was messed up on his face, his knuckles had turned pale.

Then, he swiftly grabbed back his spear and turned to leave. The person he had been a while ago was gone, and instead of flowing rage, there was deeply buried wrath, something I had never witnessed someone having towards me.

“Wait!” I shouted through the storm.

He stopped on the path and met my eyes again. “I will return to take your life, mademoiselle.”

And he vanished in the blizzard, as if he had never been here. The soft snow was painted in crimson red, my heart had almost stopped its endless beating. Yet I realized that he had not called me a monster anymore. But I knew he was going to come back to kill me, but something about him felt restless, like a bird that had just learned to fly, and locked in a cage. And his blood that shone through his porcelain skin, was the sweetest scent I had ever known.  

[lucinesnow]

envy

Jealousy. That destructive emotion towards everyone. Guess you might even call it one of the seven deadly sins; Envy, the deadliest of them all. Slowly killing you inside and shattering your soul into a thousand of irredeemable pieces and slowly you’ll grow to see yourself as completely different. Such an inhuman emotion, not something that flutters in your chest while you look at them, those beautiful people, no; rather, wanting to eat them alive, to steal their beauty, to be a better person. And he, Envy, is to blame.

He opens the door in the shadows so quiet and slow, and gazes at you at the mirror. His nails tear apart your glowing eyes and fill them with only bloodlust, until you can’t see the beauty of your angel face anymore. He stares right at your ruined sight, and you can’t look away because he is as enchanting as he is intimidating. You close your eyes as he grabs your waist, pulls you on his cold skin and feeds your damaged, fragile soul with lies. His kiss is the embodiment of sin, so bitter and so sweet, so vengeful and you can’t help but lose yourself in the heat of his touch.

And you might get jealous of his love when he leaves, saying he will return to hold you forever, but he laughs and won’t come back at all, leaving you scarred, deceived, longing for more. But what are you longing for, if he’s finally left you, you’re at peace and look in the mirror – you see his shadow, watching over you, no matter where he is. You’ve finally let go, but his shadow is upon you, flashing before your eyes and slowly carving out your heart’s deepest wound, hatred.

And, one day, as the pieces of your heart have been gathered from the dust and you’re looking at the stars in the sky, moonlight in your eyes and peace inside your hollow heart, you feel his touch on your shoulder, the touch you longed for so long. His words marked on your skin, his hands on your lungs, his laugh in your head as it all returns to you in a flash before your eyes.  

And you, weak human, you don’t hesitate, you fall into his arms, and he isn’t warm at all, his embrace is like the winter’s night, dark and cold as the world itself. You shed a tear as he tears through your ripped heart, and soon you’re in pieces again, you cannot look into the mirror at all, because there is no you.  

There is only him. You’re a hollow cell, a broken doll, powerless against his will. And he, he makes sure that you stay like that and never open your eyes to see the beauty you behold, but the beauty others have that does not compare to your starlit eyes.