ghost with the most @luckysuckyfucky - Tumblr Blog

I am going to be sad for the rest of my life. That’s just how it ends sometimes.

can I be honest since no one see’s this anymore

or me

lately it completely guts me that max is no longer my best friend

or in my life

A delayed realization

Too late to change it

Would have happened eventually I guess that’s part of starting a family

i wouldn’t know

im happy for you

i miss your wife too

you were both so special to me I just miss

17,18,19,20,21,22,23

I’ve never had a friend like you. I don’t know why this upsets me lately.

I love you. Thanks for everything.

lonequixote

“And so it seems I must always write you letters that I can never send.”

— Sylvia Plath

luckysuckyfucky

I swear to god Sylvia Plath is the only person I’ve ever felt fully understood by

It’s the end of august and I’ve tried to open that journal once or twice this month but it still makes me heart race and it’s like I’m scared to read it

I wish I got over things as quick as everyone else but I still love you

and Greg and Josh and Kim and Tyler and Michael and my first boyfriend Kristian

It’s never made sense to me how someone that once mattered in your life can suddenly mean nothing.

I will always have a soft spot for every person I’ve loved.

Maybe you didn’t really love me.

That’s the hard truth I’ve been slowly facing. I don’t think it was real for you. I hate to think you used me but I think it’s true.

Do you feel guilty? Do you feel anything at all when you think of me?

Do you even think of me?

It’s 4:44 am and I’m sitting on my front porch steps while Aesop roams around to pee and I’m listening to No Surprises by Radiohead wishing the you that would understand the me right now still existed but I shame myself for wishing you were still around cause you’re so far gone and so moved on and there’s no connection left at all between us

just me wishing we were still so close I’d never imagine saying that

One time you wrote on a page in my journal cause you loved reading my journals so much

You wrote “I love you” a dozen times

You wrote “I love you even if you hate me” one time

And you wrote the time

It was 4:44 pm.

Did you see Mesomaya isn’t there anymore?

I’ve blocked you on everything and deleted your number

I don’t want to care anymore but honestly my chest still hurts sometimes to remember you

I don’t think you think of me

So I won’t let you know I think of you.

I never thought I’d log back onto my original tumblr again

The account I had been sharing with you fucking tormented me so I had someone change the password and log both of us out indefinitely. Neither of us have access to it anymore. You don’t need to read what’s on my mind and I don’t need to hope you do.

And now I can say freely without you feeling powerful or in control or get an ego boost from it - no one has hurt me the way you did. I’ve been devastated by people I loved and broke up with but I have never been used like that. I had never felt closer to someone. I have never felt so manipulated and confused and blindsided.

I’ve never had someone convince me to love them back when I pointed out all the red flags, and then not only discard me like I’m nobody but tell me the meanest things like “you mean as much to me as a stranger” and “you’re not special to me just because we dated.”

I’ve literally never dated anyone who hurt me more emotionally than you. You said some of the meanest things to me. You begged me to love you back and I did and I was there for you when no one else was.

How do you not feel guilty

How do you not feel anything

You saw how miserable you made me. I cried for six months and you only got more and more shitty. It’s like everything I begged you to stop doing fueled you to do it more.

You’re not a good person. I hate that I’m tormented by you still.