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Current Cringe Gremlin Level: Using the lip of my shit to hold pistachios and their discarded shells while I watch TV. My bedtime rapidly approaches.

#i need to sleep #my sleep schedule has bedn fucked ever since i got back from visiting my mom #she lives 6 hours behind me 💀#i also couldnt be bothered to get a bowl for my nuts like a normal person bc my kitchen is a war zone rn #i need to deal with that soon #i also did not purchase these pistachios #i do not have pistachio money #my mother bought them and left me the rest of the bag when she visited and ive been trying to savor them #im on my last 20 or so nuts and then ill be sad and without pistachios #i hate capitalism #tag journal #i also have 2 books i need to read to return to the library snd one book i need to read and take notes on for a home project #and the home project is purging my shit and cleaning it finally #and that has to be done before my guest arrives in a week #its not a big home so it should be possible #i have like 550ish sq ft of living space to deal with so thats doable right??#oh look i remembered this account exists #decided this was too weird and pointless for main

The level of h*rny I am for this app match is sad and says a lot about how little I've done for myself

#it really took one specifically poor expedience to shock me into jumping in again #i have high hopes for this woman #we'll see how it goes #i need to get out more uhg

It is not the good way to approach it or whatever but for my sanity I think I need to ignore and pretend that the people in my class are not real

#their ignorance doesnt exist #its fake #that is how i need to think of it #its not real its a play that i am a part of #thats the only way i will get throught it with my sanity in tact #this is about the cursed european history class #for the record i will recount some notable comments later #i need it on the record so when im 40 i can remember this suffering and appreciate whatever current suffering i am suffering

I am such a massive hoe for quality polycules and queer platonic relationships in fiction like I will greedily consume that shit

#this is in response to akagami whichbu sleptnon for 7 years and finally watched and read #i fucking love obi and my only thought fowards him and the main couple is all of them have 2 goddamn hands #HOLD THEM #obi for rhe first time ever feels deeply connnected to others to the point he literally says to a formers coworker #that he feels hes left a part of himself behind with his group #he loves his weird new family hes found in shirayuki zen mitsuhide and kiki #and hes confirmed in love with shirayuki and if you can look at his interactions with zen and think theyre completely normal go away #hes so loyal and he cares so much #only other thruple ive felt this way about is 3zun and even then not all of them mesh well canonically like canonically they have issues #but these 3 all love and respect each other and actively work to keep each other happy #therefore i say let them be together #im having A Week and falling into fictional bliss to ignore my stresses is how why this is happening #sigh #i need to go do shit #im just so tired #what i wouldnt give to be a well paid live in nanny for a rich couple #maybe child care is what i was meant for instead of teaching #who knows #maybe ill look for that kind of work #i genuinely would be stoked to find a wealthy couple in their like 30s or 40s with young children who needed a live in nanny #bc i am a great older sibling or mentor figure i think #like i have actual interest in children and their development and a desire to lessen their school and life related anxieties #and i am physically able to get on their level and play and embarass myself with them #which in my experience is not something that can say for all child care providers #i WILL go to the park with them and attempt the physical challenges and propose various games #i am more than willing to mess around and look like a fool and the fact that i was able to sucessfully play with and be acdepted by #a 13 yr old boy whose parents assumed would ignore me is genuinely one of my proudest achivements #kids are weird but fun and i think i am a quality addition to a child rearing endeavor #okay bye im done #future me reading this can deduce my state when writing this 😐

Everything is FINE

#ill add tah context later but uts FINE #no breakdown to be seen its FINE

It is my opinion that my father is a mildly racist major stick in the mud and my blood pressure is slightly elevated whenever I'm in his presence 🙃

#he pisses me off #my borther and i have told our mom if he wasnt our source of living expenses we wouldnt talk to him #brother fuck this

I wish I was less self-aware

#life would be so much simpler #if i wasnt so #idk what the word is #and im too tired to think of it #i wonder how that womans son feels #i cant remember his name #the woman from my moms group #the last ep of horimiya made me cry real hard but not really bc of the show

I now kinda imagine the ideal marriage arrangement being like roommates who fuck sometimes

#own rooms or spaces #sometimes share a bed #sometimes not #the thought of sharing a bed every single night is horrifying to me #i need space

My brain is dumb tonight but I just had the thoigbt that like.....the only way i could date someone more than like....maybe 2 years younger than me is if theyve had equivalent life experiences

Like I just idk whenever I think about dating ita always someone older bc or no more than a few years younger (but then only as an older adult) bc ive dealt with so much shit and have so little patience for idek what just like nonesense?? That I know all my friends who I hold most dear are fairy thoughtful and introspective and needless to say (to future kenzie) there is one 'friend' I have that significantly less experienced/mature for more reasons than just age which has made me think a bit about age and life experience and how difficult it would be for me to hace certain convos with someone outside of that

#i think maybe if christi wasnt from such an obscenely small town it wouldnt be as stark #but damn i just cant help but noticw how different she is #evwn from us when we were her age #ive been put through a relatively uhg amount of shit #nowhere near what some people deal with but definitely enough to be outaude of the norm #and im reading something where people have an age gap #and it got me thinking about a lot of things #my parents have a good age gap #10 years oof #and i just #i think #with my incredibly limited experience so far #(it will be really funny or interesting to find this one day if i do end up with someone younger #that that kind of relationahip might be hard for me #of course depending on the person #but i dont even like.....know many people whove been through what i have #idk it just got me thinkinf #i need fo sleep yikes #anyways #just some thoughts

I want a wiffffffffffe

The sentence that is the least assuring that you are a mature teenager is "I'm mature for my age" bc like bruh I know I was a mature teenager "for my age" in the sense that i had experienced shit that objectively gave me a different perspective to the majority of my peer group and I was surrounded by friends who were probably kore thoughtful than the majority bc of the situation we were in except NONE of us would have ever uttered that sentence aloud even if we thought it in our heads

Bc. Ya know. Saying it negates it. Like. If you feel comfortable saying "I'm mature for my age" to another human who you are trying to convince of this fact then dvsoxhsks dont. And like right now im almost 23 and am in that weird hell part od life where almost everyone you know is graduated and getting "real" jobs and even though ive STILL had experiences necessarily in life that give me a unique perspective theres no way id say to someone that im "mature for my age" whatever the fuck THATS supposed to mean. I'm 22 (23). Thats it. I'm painfully aware of how much I still have to grow. I only have my life as experience and I'm not full of enough hubris or self-belief that I think I'm above my age group

There's lots of people in this world and even when you think youve got a hold of shit or that you have a good satisfying perspective or "maturity" i guarantee you still have a hefty amount to learn

#mature for her age #im mature for myage #this means nothing im just blabbing #bc im a little but not really surprised that christi said that #like she isnt aware that telling someone 5 years her senior in age and beyond in life experience that shes #is the sentence that helps hammer in more of my opinion of her actual maturity #whatever i dont even really care like this has no bearing on my actual life #i just thought it was interesting #bc when i was 17/18 i NEVER would have said to someone my age #currently #or to any human lol #bc thats so cringey bc i know that defeats the point of the words #im interested to see what christu is like in 1 or 2 years #i feel a little but not really bad saying thats pretty much the only reason ill kesp up with her #bc its fun to talk about shows my other friends dont watch i guess #but otherwise her age shows in convo and its just not as satisfying #theres no way i can be as emotionally candid with a 17/18 yr old ive known for less than a year as i am with my peers #itd probably be different if we grew up together? but then id really be like an older sister #like me and emie #but emie and i are much closer lol #idk im just venting #itd be nice to ACTUALLY have an emotionally mature teen friend #oh wait i already have that in alyssa 😄#shes fun and sweet and down to earth and aware that shes a baby #i love her #shes 15 and has gone through a shit ton but is aware of her age and is just doing her best #okay im done #christi #i guess #is that a topic tag now? possibly

Okay whoopd I over did it

I'm definitely not coping healthily but what else is new

But ive seen more of my dearest frieds this year than usual via twoseven streams which is something

Like gains in one area and losses in others but definitely if I didnt have my friends even lojg distance I would be much worse off

Uhg to straight romances and yes to mako's 2 ex gfs ending up together

Have had a fair amount of dreams about ice skating recently (specifically skating fast and effortlessly like when i was still taking lessons) which keeps igniting this urge to let loose on a rink except for obvious reasons that's definitely not going to happen even remotely soon

#dreams

I'm determined to continue me journal tomorrow because it's been offset talk months and I genuinely think it'll be nice or coil or whatever to read one day

So much had happened these last few months

Gosh that's such a massive understatement

Oof

Have a strong urge to foster a neonatal kitten

For some reason I think mila would benefit from having a baby to take care of

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