always loving.

Lucy | 32 | they/them | AuDHD | MS3 / med student | Not Interested 👋 Every Genre 2026 Posts Pro DEI. Pro kindness. Anti racism. Anti authoritarianism and totalitarianism. All genders are supported here; there is no debate about any letter in LGBTQIA+. Open to new friends, but ONLY friendship (with adults). Not interested in anything more. I don’t respond to simple DMs (too many are people trying to start inappropriate convos).

[lucy-sweats-love]

Just so you all know what to expect when you come to my little block of the internet :)

[lucy-sweats-love]

My patients are actively trying to die.

Not that they WANT to, their bodies are just struggling right now.

One with metastatic neuroendocrine carcinoma of unknown origin who developed a UTI and struggles to eat because of mets to the throat- super cachectic, losing weight in the hospital, and then got a new AKI on Bactrim so we went back to the cefepime but that is likely causing issues with mentation too. I’m worried about them and idk why they aren’t getting tube fed and why nutrition doesn’t want to and tbh I’m worried this is an ACTH producing cancer and that’s playing into their difficult cancer course.

Another one with decomp cirrhosis who has SBE on top of a hepatic hydrothorax but cultures won’t grow anything. Probably needs a liver transplant tbh but questionable alcohol use. Personally I don’t think this pt’s clinical course here and labs support ongoing alcohol use. Not that the etiology isn’t alcohol-related, just that I don’t think this pt has been using alcohol in the last month and am maybe more prone to believing their alcohol use reports. Prognostication overall is giving me a fairly low 90-day survival probability and I’m very worried that disbelief and bias is going to delay getting them on a transplant list and reduce care overall. I spent maybe 1.5 hours at their bedside today, through an acute anxiety episode, got them weaned down on oxygen because I listened and helped clear impaction in nostrils…. Maybe the disbelief I’m hearing won’t negatively impact anything. Maybe I am just a softy med student who isn’t cynical enough. It just. It doesn’t sit right. There’s something in the framing of the notes that isn’t sitting right. I know I’m going to lose patients. I just don’t want bias / stigma to play a role in losing this patient. Or any patient.

Being “just” the dumb third year med student sucks.

[hiveswap]

[Doesnt do it] [gets stressed] [gets scared thinking about doing it] [doesnt do it because it's scary] [keeps not doing it]

[homoeroticjunoincident]

reblog to make prev stop having headaches

[lucy-sweats-love]

A summary of my last couple weeks:

Progressively get dizzier and more unsteady -> oh it’s worse with standing up? Sounds like maybe I’m dehydrated -> try to drink more and add electrolytes -> difficult 😞 tummy gets so upset because no gallbladder and I can’t drink enough -> still getting worse -> okay I’ll go into urgent care and see if I’m dehydrated and can get an IV -> urgent care can’t do labs so late and sends me to the ED, wants a head CT w/ and w/o contrast -> spend 10 hours at urgent care, eventually get blood drawn and my CT done… -> I’m literally still in the waiting room and it’s 4am so I decide to just leave because I NEED sleep, so the tech removes my IV and I leave -> view my labs myself, potassium on the lower side but ekg is fine -> supplement with potassium citrate and magnesium bisglycinate -> start feeling better…

5 days later…

Oh my IV insertion site is starting to hurt more… -> uh oh the pain is migrating up my arm… -> okay now it’s 2” above my IV insertion site and it’s hard to move my arm around without pain… this is probably a thrombophlebitis / superficial venous thrombosis of the cephalic vein -> go into urgent care -> “I can’t feel a palpable cord, rest and NSAIDs” -> 4 days later, still migrating up, getting worse, can’t straighten my arm -> forearm and hand starts aching, need to hold my arm above my head for some relief -> notice gravity dependent venous distension at my wrist -> decide I probably need an ultrasound to determine extent of the clot -> research what urgent cares can do ultrasounds same day -> go to the one urgent care with on-site imaging department -> ultrasound folks left after lunch -> urgent care sends me to the ED -> wait 4.5 hours at the ED to be seen, it’s too late so I have to reach out to site director and senior resident to let them know I’m unable to go in tomorrow -> provider sees me for 2 min, instantly decides yes I need an ultrasound -> ultrasound tech is a girl I went to second grade with, neat! -> I was right about the clot -> does not meet criteria for anticoagulation, rest and NSAIDs, told to come back if it gets worse -> leave at 3am -> realize I can’t go back to that hospital if it gets worse because on 8/1 they will no longer be in network for my insurance -> crash -> wake up -> get a migraine -> mom brings rice bags to use as warm compresses because washcloth not staying warm for long enough -> rice packs apparently too warm, develop early erythema ab igne

Anyway I’m tired and my arm hurts and my head hurts and I am getting dizzy again.

[depsidase]

[lucy-sweats-love]

I’m feeling really torn rn with medicine because I am really, really enjoying my time in IM so far, and I don’t really know what it means or if it should alter my course.

Psych has been the goal for a while. I know I love psych.

But.

I’m enjoying IM, I think I’m enjoying this program specifically rather than IM as a specialty.

On my own I find the actual medicine of IM fairly boring (diuresing heart failure patients, managing various insulins, etc), but something about how they teach here keeps me engaged and actually enjoying the medicine. I have learned so much, feel safe, don’t dread each day like I did on surgery or in preclinicals.

This is the first time since working in dermatology that I actually felt some sense of belonging in medicine in general. It’s also the first time I’ve felt regularly interested and engaged, not just transient interest that quickly fades with time.

I’m not racing to totally alter my plans, but it’s got me thinking about what matters most, a specialty I know I like or a program I feel good in.

[unholyminty]

Happy disability pride to all of you. To the "annoying" or "stubborn" ones, to all of you who are struggling to come to terms with being disabled, to those who aren't quite sure what it means yet, to those who are a "problem", to those who go out of their way to not be, to those who have themselves figured out, to those unable to speak up for themselves, to those able to, to those who are undiagnosed, to those who are fighting to be taken seriously, to those who are learning to advocate, to those we lost, to those I haven't mentioned. You're valid. You deserve to be here. We all do. Let's have a good one

-🎶

[belmasworld]

[iamnotawomanimagod]

me seeing a mutual's happy post: "hell yeah buddy :)" *hits like*

me seeing a mutual's sad/vent post: "aww no buddy :(" *hits like*

[lucy-sweats-love]

IM clerkship starts on Monday. I move back into student housing tomorrow. Husband and my dad are going to help me with the move in process, and im in the exact same apartment as before.

I’m tired and nervous about the actual clerkship with a think thread of dread start thing them together. I have a long didactic day every Monday- honestly too long for my attention span- and Tues through Friday are 12 hour days, meaning with commute and personal care I have to do (like, getting dressed and eating), I’m either going to have no time to study or prepare ahead of time or be really sleep deprived. Which also means that regularly taking my Vyvanse is risky- low sleep + stimulant = higher risk of migraine. I also don’t know how well my body is going to hold up, as I am still weak and I’m dizzy like 24/7 these days. There’s also the question of eating and my tummy being stupid. Idk it just bothers me greatly that hours and expectations vary site to site and the mostly random assignments usually mean that some students won’t get needs met.

After the surgery rotation, I kinda feel like I’ve had some bad luck in terms of scheduling / my sites. Surgery wasn’t a bad site in the sense that I don’t think it should be a site at all, it just was so mismatched for my personality, learning style, and disabilities. I hear medicine likes more discussion and longer, drawn out thought processes, but I don’t know if that is going to be true for my specific site… and I guess I’ll be rotating through different services every other week? And it’s all hospital based, minus one continuity clinic one afternoon? Idk

I’m worried that this clerkship is going to be similar to surgery in all the ways that I struggled with- low communication and clarity about what is expected of me, frustration when I need a minute to shift through my thoughts myself so I can coherently speak, desire for some kind of hierarchical deference on a grand level (not just deference for medical knowledge) that I don’t believe in, etc. Ultimately people saying they “can’t read” me, that I’m disengaged (when they don’t even try to engage me?), and then never really telling me what I’m doing wrong so I can adjust. 🙃

Also. Friday, I was SO DIZZY (after I was sick for a few hours after driving back to Spokane). I felt so terrible that my husband went out to get me actual oral rehydration solutions and not just Powerade. He got Powerade too but like, I needed actual Pedialyte-type ORS. I drank 42oz of ORS within a few hours before transitioning to the Powerade… have had probably 5L of Powerade all within ~30 hours or so (I think it comes out to over 6L total). I am absolutely not peeing that much, and I’m not feel super thirsty, I’m just so dizzy and the fluids seem to be helping so I keep downing them. I’m hoping that means I’m actually rehydrating whatever has been depleted and I’ll maybe be less dizzy on Monday when I start the clerkship. Am still very worried though.

Actually I am dizzy again. I know I need to sleep, but I can’t, and this dizziness is quite annoying. Powerade, pretzels, and grimshire I guess until I feel sleepy.

[thepeacefulgarden]

[gramarobin]

needed this reminder just now.

[akindplace]

joyfulsmolthings

[lucy-sweats-love]

Sometimes I’m confused by feedback. This is not a kind post so I’m hiding it.

Trust, I want feedback. I generally want to do well and learn and be engaged etc. But feedback should be timely and actionable. “The feedback about you was… not positive” is fine to lead into but when you go on to summarize themes about things that are either very vague or could have been addressed earlier, it stops having much meaning.

Like “they couldn’t really get a good read on you” and then saying I’m too informal and continually saying “the docs aren’t your friends” and not giving any examples of WHY this is the feedback and how I could actually improve is so frustrating to me. I 100% expect people to have a hard time reading me because I am holding back my actual personality because I am treating everybody professionally and not like friends. So I genuinely do not know where the “docs aren’t your friends” is coming from. I am more informal, for sure. Formalities feel stuffy. I’ll always call them Dr. [Last Name], defer to them, take whatever feedback, etc. So idk if the issue is that I used contractions and didn’t call people sir? If I asked too many questions about what they wanted vs just tried to assume? Said i didn’t know when asked a question? Tell me exactly how I should be more formal though because i do not know what formality means to any one person. Im not saying their experience is wrong, but you should be able to articulate what I could do better.

Also they mentioned what is essentially initiative… she didn’t say that outright but that’s how I’d summarize it. But like, yall never set expectations for me? I showed up and did what I was told to do, I was available if you tried to reach me (phone, text, email, etc). I tried to set expectations for what you wanted me to do, you didn’t engage in it? So idk how that’s entirely on me? I guess I was “hard to find” which is fine as feedback but I’ve told them: I get lost easily. They can reach out to me however they want. Im happy to do whatever you want, but my gooooddddd you need to tell me what you want because I. Will. Not. Intuit. It.

Also did I mention the one doc repeatedly using the r-word, saying something kinda racist to a Black colleague, and completely ignoring any attempts to communicate even about logistics? Like bruh.

Anyway the feedback hit me so hard. Not because I’m averse to bad feedback but because I was genuinely trying my best and felt like they were not doing their part at all. I was so not set up for success even when I tried to set myself up. It genuinely feels inequitable and unfair.

But because I am the student I’m expected to, essentially, accept all responsibility and smile and say “thank you for the opportunity.”

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*remembering the band bare naked ladies contains no ladies* call me back when they transition

[andrewrnease]

They're also fully clothed.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

One life change at a time

[scramratz]

Definite banners and possible bumper stickers for the shop

[rainwashedsoul]